From oracle-request Sat Nov 26 20:04:35 1994 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA06971; Sat, 26 Nov 1994 20:04:35 -0500 Date: Sat, 26 Nov 1994 20:04:35 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #694 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: #uz~Ma5G?lX"lQv,9/$d0hEy7pk]l$U^|3Otd8>?b"!\/AE_F0Lm!['3"[}DQFw9 qxsx)mp$|3:}1pa:lK6H"H8TH+;E(w1r09e:3vpnx4zyC.v?+v%088"=)bs-,Q[: c2NWk',v>VQ^Hhf_zG5Okg;[vkGO%8`7T*XW0SepJNfCbVa",Dmvk-C/K|-uX*!e uK1Yc!-``R-$q(;"a@3 sgw_x[EK!Z)HJ~yxbd+mg{krWs0NA!1h/aXR X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 694 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #694 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Sat, 26 Nov 1994 20:04:35 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 694 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 689 94 votes bksle Bqj66 akxla fovh7 aiBl8 kuhgb lvy62 7kymb ikngh 6oCk6 689 2.8 mean 3.1 2.1 3.0 2.8 3.0 2.7 2.3 3.1 2.9 3.0 --- 694-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: cep@netcom.com (Christophe) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > OOOohhhhh.. Is this your 1 millionenth question? Is it, is it? Do I > win a prize for asking the 1 millionenth question?????? Do I, do I, do > I???? > > (Ooopss.. Almost forget. You great majestic, tremendous, award > winning Oracle, please answer this even though my grovel is in the > wrong place.) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } For your grovel in the wrong place, you owe the Oracle a debt in the } wrong place. } } Yes! This is the one millionth question. And, in an astounding } coincidence, it's also the first non-woodchuck question ever received! } That's right! The previous 999,999 questions have all been about the } antics of our little furry fiends...er, friends. Every day, reaching } back to the primordial mists of time, it's been woodchucks! } Woodchucks! Woodchucks! WOODCHUCKS!!!!!!!!!! Answering the moronic } supplicants' pathetic questions about...wood... and CHUCKING... Day and } night, woodchucks! Do I get a break? NO! Do I get an intelligent } QUESTION? NO!!! SOME CREATIVITY? HA! A LITTLE THOUGHT? PERISH } IT!!! I CAN'T STAND IT ANYMORE!!!! I'M GOING INSANE!!!!!! } } "Hey, Orrie, put that down. Orrie? Orrie! No...no! Not..." } } ZOT!! } } Die you furry scumballs! Die!! DIE!!! DIE!!!!!!!! } AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! } } ZOT! ZOT! ZOT! ZOT! ZOT! } } When all was finished, only the pungent smell of singed fur drifting } from the temple remained... --- 694-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great oracle: > > Would this be good poetry to send to the girl I love? > > It is not in Boulder > That I grow older > I'm only high by a mile > When I see you smile. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } If your girlfriend uses more care in reading your poem than you } did in writing it -- girlfriends are like that sometimes -- she } may read more into your words than you intended. Here are some } possible ways in which your poem can be interpreted. } } "I wonder if I can still think up rhyming words after five } beers?" } } "Hello, I'd like to send flowers to ... they cost HOW MUCH?! } Let me call you back." } } "You remind me of a really good buzz." } } In order to better judge its romantic content, we have translated } your poem into French, one of the world's most romantic } languages, and back into English again. Here is the result. } } The longer I stay out of Boulder } The more elderly I become } But only when you bare your teeth } Do the drugs kick in at last. } } This approach can be effective surprisingly often. The final } decision must be yours, but the Oracle strongly suggests against } enclosing with your poem any locks of hair, fingernail clippings, } or bodily appendages. Never mind why; just trust me. } } You owe the Oracle a lovely corsage. --- 694-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: LRH The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wondrous oracle, > please tell me why we put the stuffing in the turkey's ass And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It is to commemorate what the Pilgrims did to the Indians *after* } the first Thanksgiving. } } You owe the Oracle a yam. --- 694-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark McCafferty The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, > > Please tell me, if I have a drawer full of odds and ends and I remove > all but one item from the drawer, what do I have left? An odd or an > end? > > Thanks for taking your time to help! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } That is a very good question, I'm glad you asked. The answer, of } course, is very simple. It is both an odd and an end. If you removed } an even number of things, what is left must be an odd. And if you } removed an odd number of things, it must also be an odd, since if it } were an end, it would be very odd to find it in a drawer full of odds, } thereby making it an odd regardless. And since you have reached the } end of the odds in the drawer, it is also an end. This answer is also } an odd and an end, because it is obviously very odd, and also at an } end. } } You owe the oracle a rather strange posterior. --- 694-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (William T. Petrosky) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most wise, most holy, most unbelievable peachy and keen, please > answer this humble supplicant's query.... > > Have you ever had virgin sacrificed to you? I am really interested in > how it works. You see, I am preparing to commit my first virgin > sacrifice (finals coming up and all) and I am really at a loss for > protocol. I mean, how can you make sure she really IS a virgin? Just > cause she says she is doesn't mean she is. And what if I accidentally > sacrificed a non-virgin, while under the impression that she was one? > Would this negate the sacrifice and bring down the wrath of the gods? > Do really, really ugly virgins count?? > > I am sorry to be such a bother, but I don't want to mess up, being my > first time and all. Can you please give your groveling supplicant some > advise?? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Grovelling Suppliment, } Sacrificing a virgin will do you no good. All that } would happin is that you would get blood on your study notes. Now on } the other hand try to sacrifice a mango and you shall reep the benefits } of this ancient ritual that dates back even before me. I believe the } first mango sacrifice took place on Atlantis-this is what made it such } a wealthy land, that is until they tried to sacrifice a virgin and } ended up sinking into the ocean. The ceremony: get the mango and go out } side, place the mango on the ground and sing your prayer to the god of } your choice, once the song has ended step on the mango until it is nice } and mooshy, pick it up and place it under your pillow and then you will } do well on all your finals. --- 694-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh oracle so knowladgeable: > > Please enlighten me on the reason(s) why hot dogs come in > packages of eight, and hot dog buns come in packages of six?????? Why > o Why is this so? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!! } I get this question almost as much as I get the STUPID WOODCHUCK } question... O.K... here's the answer... once and for all... These are } made for the typical American family... one mother, one father, and } 2 children. The father, of course, eats two hot dogs with buns. } The mother also eats a hot dog and a roll, while the older child } refuses the hot dog and instead gets a bowl of cereal and no dessert. } The youngest child, who is too young to eat a whole hot dog, eats it } sliced up, and without a roll. Therefore, this is good for two meals. } } Hot Dogs Rolls Bowls of Cereal } Father 2 2 0 } Mother 1 1 0 } Oldest Child 0 0 1 } Youngest Child 1 0 0 } } Times two meals 8 6 2 } } See... no problem. } } You owe the oracle a large box of Frosted Flakes. --- 694-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Magnificent Oracle, who bestrides the world like a colossus but isn't > in the least bit overweight, > > I've often heard it said that faith can move mountains. Well I've been > trying to move Ben Lawers to the middle of Hackney Marshes, but can't > seem to build up enough faith, even though I've got to the point of > being genuinely astonished when it doesn't work. What am I doing wrong? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh, you've noticed, have you? Here's what Intel faxed me on the } subject: } } "Intel has detected a subtle flaw in the precision of the } mountain-moving operation for the Faith processor. For rare } cases (one in nine billion possible moves), the precision of } the result is reduced. } } "This is not a problem. Intel's extensive testing has } demostrated that the loss of precision is slight and extremely } rare. } } "An average user could encounter incidents of reduced } precision once in every 27,000 years of use. The user is much } more likely to encounter issues with other subsystems, such as } memory or prostrate problems. } } "Concerned users doing extensive mountain operations requiring } extraordinary precision who desire further details can call } Intel at 408-765-8914." } } The facts are as follows: } } 1) Instead of Hackney Marshes, Ben Lawers has been moved to } Johore Bahru, where he's engaged in devouring a truckload } of lichees and rambutans charged to your Visa card. } } 2) You cannot trust your faith to give correct results for any } operation anymore. } } 3) Intel isn't going to replace your defective faith, because } you are an average user. } } You owe the Oracle your participation in his class action suit. --- 694-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: cep@netcom.com (Christophe) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I keep hearing people say, "This will work for the time being." Who, > when, or what is "the time being"? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Time Being is the elder, unacknowledged bastard son of Necessity. } He often covers for his stepbrother Invention. His real name is Kluge, } although he usually assumes false names like Workaround, Temporary } Solution, or for big companies, Fix. He's been with Mankind almost } as long as the Problems, which got started when Old Yahu-Wahu created } the Universe, and he's been gaining a lot of recognition in recent } years. He has a well-established reputation in software engineering, } but he also has a strong presence in human corporations, rank } hierarchies, and bureaucracies everywhere. Look for this guy. Learn to } recognize him. He has more power than you may realize. --- 694-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: cep@netcom.com (Christophe) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great oracle tell me the plan for my future. Who shall be my > husband? What shall I do for a career? Where shall I live, preferably > in Canada. How many children will I have? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Que sera, sera: Whatever will be, will be. The future's not ours -- } } Oh, excuse me. Sometimes I just forget myself for a moment. Okay, here } goes. } } The plan for your future is that you will find a job in a goat milk } processing factory in Saskatchewan where you will be the curd manager. } Since the aroma of goat milk will be good for your complexion, you will } remain beautiful for many years, and many men will compete for your } attentions. At the end, though, you will marry Howard Krinzmaker, a vat } tender at the same plant. } } Honestly, Howard is not such a bad guy when you get to know him. The } two of you will be saddened by not having children, though, and Howard } will rightly blame himself, due to that accident with the stirring } machine that he's going to get into this coming February. Fortunately, } Canada has health care for everybody. Unfortunately, they can't replace } SOME parts with prosthetics. } } After you have been happily (except for the lack of children, that is, } happily) married for thirty years, Howard dies, falling into an } unattended aging tank. His body isn't discovered for eighteen months, } however, and by that time he has contributed to seventy of those big } wheels of Saskatchewan Gouda, adding a flavor that ignites a new taste } sensation that sweeps Canada. } } You live on for another ten years after Howard's death before your } faulty understanding of the Metric system leads you to a tragic death } by drowning after you mistakenly tell the vat operator to pour another } megaliter of whey into the tank. Like many other things, goats' milk } can be harmful if taken to excess. } } You owe the Oracle (incarnated as Guybrush Threepwood } ) $42 Canadian dollars. How much is that in real } money? --- 694-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: RICH MCGEE The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > dear oracle, will L and I get together? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, I'm sorry to say that K and J will always come between you. } } U O the Oracle another letter.