From oracle-request Thu Dec 1 17:28:13 1994 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA24136; Thu, 1 Dec 1994 17:28:13 -0500 Date: Thu, 1 Dec 1994 17:28:13 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #695 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: #uz~Ma5G?lX"lQv,9/$d0hEy7pk]l$U^|3Otd8>?b"!\/AE_F0Lm!['3"[}DQFw9 qxsx)mp$|3:}1pa:lK6H"H8TH+;E(w1r09e:3vpnx4zyC.v?+v%088"=)bs-,Q[: c2NWk',v>VQ^Hhf_zG5Okg;[vkGO%8`7T*XW0SepJNfCbVa",Dmvk-C/K|-uX*!e uK1Yc!-``R-$q(;"a@3 sgw_x[EK!Z)HJ~yxbd+mg{krWs0NA!1h/aXR X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 695 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #695 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Thu, 1 Dec 1994 17:28:13 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 695 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 690 87 votes yya63 lolg5 groe6 gerka 8Aod6 9gxja 8ekol 5ivna 6izl7 8dmpj 690 2.9 mean 2.0 2.5 2.6 2.9 2.7 3.1 3.4 3.2 3.1 3.4 --- 695-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > other planets? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No thanks, I've had 4 already. --- 695-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, wise in countless ways, please tell me how the moon was > created. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } O lunar supplicant, } } I haven't told anyone (except my Oracular buddies, of course) about } this. But MAN are those scientists gonna be surprised! This answer } will change the way people look at reality! And it even makes sense! } ___________________________ } Anyway, the luna/****************************\killed everyone and it } was really scar/******************************\urs were smashed up by } huge gravitati/********************************\the messangers of doom } /~~~~~~~~~~~~WE APOLLOGEYEZ FOR THIS INTERUPSHUN~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~\ } } THE UNITID STATE SENAT HAS APRROVVED THE US OF FORIGN-BOUGT DAIPERS FOR } DAMPNISS CONTROLE OF YUNG JOOVINILES MAINTTAINED BY GOVERNMINT } EMPLOYEES } } THIS HAS BIN A GOVERNMINT-SPONSERED INNTTERRUPPTTION. WEE NOW RETURN } YOU TO YOU'RE REGULARLYE SCHEJULED ORACULARITEE. } } --DAN QUAYLE } \___________________________________________________________________/ } } And now you know. Spread the word! You may even win a Nobel! } } You owe the Oracle Dan Quayle's head on a pike. --- 695-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is the net called internet and not undernet. > > quit. > > ********************************* > Mail: xxxxx,xxxxxxxx@xxx.dk > Name xxxxx xxxxxxxx. > Street xxxxxxxx xxxx xxx. > P.O xxxx Xxxxxxxx. > Country Denmark. > Voice +45 xxxxxxxx. > ********************************* > [Priest's note: I didn't want to edit it, but I thought I'd better] > > ***********^]'.^F > --- > ^]fS CmpQwk #UNREG^]fS UNREGISTERED EVALUATION COPY And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } [Here. I'll keep him busy while you dispatch the agents. } I'll stall him as long as I can.] } } Well, it's like this. Have you ever looked at a net? It's mostly } made up of a lot of holes. That's right -- a net is really more } _nothing_ than _something_. That goes for webs as well as nets, so you } can save that question. } } Now, let's look at some sample words that begin with either inter- or } under-, shall we? } } The funeral is just an INTERlude before the UNDERtaker leaves the corpse } UNDERground for INTERment. } } An INTERview may be INTEResting, but if it's not UNDERstandable, it's } INTERminable. } } If an UNDERgraduate has INTERcourse with an UNDERachiever, the } INTERposition and INTERplay are best seen from UNDERneath the } UNDERbelly. } } As you can see, inter- words are used for things that are, basically } useful or long lasting, or both. Under- words, on the other hand, are } used for things that we mostly want to forget about. And, furthermore -- } } [Suddenly, two agents of the Oracular Software Licensing Authority } burst into the room and confront the supplicant, who cowers in } surprise and fear.] } } Agent Mulder: Okay, Chief, we've got him. } } Agent Scully: All right, supplicant. You are being charged with } knowingly using an UNREGISTERED EVALUATION COPY of your software. How do } you plead? } } Supplicant: I didn't do anything wrong. I'm innocent! } } Mulder: Hmm. He looks like he means it. } } Scully: When are you going to stop getting taken in by appearances? } } Supplicant: Haven't I seen you two on TV somewhere? } } Mulder: No. } } Scully: What you say we take him somewhere and beat him with a FAQ until } he confesses? } } Mulder: We could just flame him. } } Scully: Or maybe he could be spammed into -- } } Supplicant: I confess! I confess! I really did know that it was an } UNREGISTERED EVALUATION COPY, but I just couldn't help myself. It's a } shortcoming of my inability to use computers properly; I don't know how } to properly end my e-mail messages. My .signature file is too long and } it's corrupt, too. My e-mail address even has a comma in it. AND I can't } put a question mark at the end of my questions. See. } } Scully: Mulder, this guy's pretty pathetic. Let's just leave him here } with his 300 baud modem. That's punishment enough. } } Mulder: I feel we should ask for something more. } } Oracle: I can handle that. I need to re-furnish my office. Supplicant, } you owe the Oracle some of that Danish Modern furniture. Can you get me } some of those really cool-looking chairs? --- 695-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, > [obligatory grovel], what's the deal with pop tarts cereal? and rice > krispies treats cereal? > Your Humble Supplicant. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Suplicant, suplicant suplicant. Obligatory grovel is not enough! } Would it be ok if, at Thanksgiving Dinner, you had said "Obligatory } Grace?" I think not. } } ZOT! } } In order to understand the concept behind these cereals, one must enter } the mind of a Kelloggs executive.... } } Executive: You know, I need a raise. The kids want to go to see OJ } Simpson's house in Los Angeles, and I just don't have enough cash to } rent out a private jet for the weekend. And I need to hire extra } security guards to keep that Ralph Nader guy out of our Frosted Flake } Frosters sweatshop. God help us if he finds out what we do to those } guys. So what to do.... } } } } Secretary: Kelloggs Corp, Grain for your Brain. Can I help you? } Exec: Denise, do I have any messages? } Secy: Oh, Mr. Kevorkian...well, your plumber called, and said your hot } tub will need to be replaced because all the beer you filled it with } had ruined the jets, and a guy named Phil M. Everything-Nabisco called. } Exec, : Yessss! Thanks, Denise. } } } } Phil: Uh, hullo? } Exec: Phil? Bill Kevorkian here, you called? } Phil: Those Nabisco guys caught us. They've threatened to expose us } for grinding up 19 year old college students to put in Product 19 (why } do you think it's called that, anyway) and for grinding up slower } kindergraten students to put in Special K. } Exec: Gasp! Our business will be ruined! If we had to use real } ingredients, we'd be.....gulp...NATURAL! } Phil: That's what they're saying. } Exec: Tell them we know what those black spots are in Cookie Crisp } . } Phil: They don't care anymore. They demand that we stop, or they're } going to start using super-addictive sugar in their cereals, and } introduce a new one....Triscuits Cereal! } Exec: AIGH! Everyone loves Triscuits! Well, we can't back down from } Special K and Product 19. We'll just have to be more covert. Thanks } Phil. } } } } Secy: Kelloggs Corp, Insane in the Membrane, Insane into Grain. Can I } help you? } Exec: Denise, connect me to the lab. } } Doctor: Kelloggs Lab. Dr. Spock here. } Exec: Spock, it's Bill. I need that super-sugar, and I need it now. } Our cereal business is gonna go down the toilet if I don't get it now. } Doctor: Well Bill, there's a problem. It only seems to work with Pop } Tarts and Rice Krispie Treats...we hide it in the glue that holds the } ingredients together. Kids that eat them wind up cooing in a corner } after 5 bowls, though. It's great stuff. } Exec: Spock...I don't care what it takes, but make those into a } cereal. } Spock: How? } Exec: Call the Frosted Flakes Sweatshop, and see if they can get some } guys on reducing full size Krispie Treats and Pop Tarts to cereal size } using that nuclear radiation treatment we bought from the Energy } Department. (Isn't the Peace Dividend great?) Oh, and Spock, lets not } make any more Special K or Product 19 for a while. Go imprision a few } more of those California Raisin freaks instead. } Spock: Understood, thanks. } } } } Exec: Whew, I earned my raise today. Off to the Mezzaluna I go.... } } There, supplicant, you see? An innocent question....but so many evils } behind the scenes. } } You owe the Oracle a box of 100% Jimmy Hoffa Flakes. --- 695-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Jonathan "Dr. Who" Monsarrat The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why does everyone around here MUD so much? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } There are four main reasons why playing Multi-user Dungeons has } grown so common among college-age youth. Here, the Oracle presents } them in increasing importance: } } 1) Approximately 10% of the population contains a subtle genetic } flaw which prevents their bodies from producing a valuable endorphin. } This endorphin, however, can be produced by certain programmed } behavior, which includes reading the text phrases } "Levellllllllll!!!!!!" and "Anyone want to take me to the Drow City?" } } 2) With the collapse of the Soviet Union and the end of the Cold War, } youth have found a need to find enemies to replace them. For some as } yet unexplained reason (the Oracle knows, but I'm not saying), Beastly } Fidos fill this deep-seated psychological urge. } } 3) Most Mudders would be the segment of the population with no } friends, no social life, and no activities. Mudding is the first } chance in human history this class has had to perform social } activities, such as they are. The remaining Mudders are those who have } always done what everyone else is doing. } } 4) Most importantly, most people mud because they are only a few } points away from leveling. } } You owe the Oracle a working version of Epic's code. --- 695-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: csf7m@faraday.clas.virginia.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wise Oracle of time and space, > > Being a humble student of Judeo-Christian values (and of the local > community college) I need some information for an article I'm writing. > Could you tell me if God is on the internet? An e-mail address would > also help if available. > > Your devoted fan and dedicated servant And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Here are several email addresses you might try. } } god@heaven.org } The Big Guy Himself } } christ@inri.cross.org } His son } } jhchrist@harley-davison.com } "JHC on a Harley" } } holyghost@dockmaster.ncsc.mil } Yet another spook } } pope@vatican.gov } Mr. Funny Hat himself } } pope@popeyes.com } That's "Pope Yes" (not "pop-eyes"), as in "Pope Yes Chicken," the chain } of Catholic fast-food restaurants } } satan@hell.org } You know who } } bgates@microsoft.com } Alternate address for you know who --- 695-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dr. Noe The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear almighty, > > what will I get during Xmas holidays? Have I been evil or good > this year? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, at least you won't get coal. In fact, you can rest assured that } no naughty kid need ever get coal in his stocking again. Santa's } finally becoming environmentally conscious. } } As global warming is threatening to melt the Northern ice cap and dump } the Santa Claus estate in the sea, fossil fuels have been banned at the } North Pole. The energy that runs the industrial facilities today is } produced by an obsolete former Soviet nuclear plant, transported to the } Pole and refurbished in a magical engineering project of an } unprecedented magnitude. } } For four months, nearly two thousand reindeers were flying three round } trips a day between the Pole and Novaya Zemlya. The endeavour claimed } at least ninety lives, not counting the suicide team that had the task } of transporting the radioactive reactor core. The core is so massive } that proper shielding would have made it impossible for the overworked } standard reindeers to lift, and the ten special heavy-duty lifting } reindeers were on the other side of the world at the time, mining crude } uranium at a secret Australian site. Any delay would have put the } entire operation at risk of detection by Russian officials, so the } Chief Engineer in charge, Colonel Twitchy, decided to transport the } component unshielded. } } The fourteen brave volunteers selected for the task perished to the } last elf, and their names are forever engraved in the ice shielding of } the reactor core that their heroic sacrifice brought home, the reactor } core that is even now churning out fourteen hundred megawatts of } much-needed power without the backstab of global warming. Clean power, } power to produce the goods -- the Christmas presents that keep every } child and childish-minded adult in the world from being bad! } } Yes, it's no more coal from Santa! From this year on, naughty kids will } get enriched-uranium fuel pellets in their stockings. } } I have been in communication with Mr. Claus regarding the possible } long-term consequences of such an arrangement, but he has refused to } listen to me, saying: "This is what we've always done with the naughty } ones. Originally we gave wood, then we gave coal. Now we give enriched } uranium. Changing the technology isn't going to change the principle." } } We shall see. I shudder to imagine a future where employing naughty } children would be a competitive advantage for nuclear power companies. --- 695-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Bill McMillan" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around will it make any > sound? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } O most unhumble fool of a supplicant: } } Trees that fall alone in the forest will make varying sounds depending } on the circumstances of the fall. In most cases, the fall is of } the accidental, stumbling variety, in which case said tree will } generally breathe a sigh of relief because no one saw it happen. } Sometimes the fall is of the premature pratfall variety (cf. Gerald } Ford, Chevy Chase) in which case the resultant sigh will be of a more } wistful nature, since nobody was around to be amused. Still other } falls are due to age and its attendant illnesses and infirmities, in } which case the tree in question will exclaim something on the order of } "I've fallen and I can't get up." } } Of course, nobody's around, and if they were, they wouldn't speak tree, } so the oak or what-have-you generally dies a lone and solitary death. } Trees being what they are, assistance from other trees is limited to } moral support. Don't ever ask this question again. } } You owe the Oracle a shrubbery. --- 695-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Dreamchild" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Was Schumacher guilty in the incident at the grand prix in Australia? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh, great. Just great. I go from Font Of Wisdom to courtroom bookie. } While you're at it, why don't you just go ahead and ask The Great } Oracle if OJ is really guilty or not? (answer: guilty as sin). Okay, } to your question... } } Let's look at the accused's name, shall we? Schumacher is clearly } German of origin, and we know that all Germans are guilty. Well, they } used to be, anyway. I mean, first you had World War I, and then WWII, } and you had people with obviosuly German names like Colonel Klink } running around doing all sorts of evil things. Heck, it was easy to be } a Oracle back then. Well, anyway, then the end of WWII came along, and } you had your East Germans, who were part of the Evil Empire (read: } bad), and you had the West Germans, who were part of NATO (read: good). } Given that, I would have to summon forth my powers to figure out if } Schuaacher was a EAST German or WEST German name, and then you had your } answer. But now the Wall is down, and Germany is reunified, and all of } Germany is our goodest and bestest buddy now. The answer should be } simple, no? But this is where it gets tricky! There are plenty of } Evil Good Germans, like Neo-Nazis. Or, maybe, just maybe, Schumacher } is just a Polish name pretending to be German. Why, this could all be } a far-reaching plot to cover up the OJ trial! I'm gonna have to call } in a couple of favors on this one and get back to you. Something } smells funny about this Schuamcher/Australia/Grand Prix thing. } } You really want a answer? Okay....best I could say is: Wait for the } movie. --- 695-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: m-atkinson@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Last Christmas season, my four-year old daughter asked me "What is the > difference between baby Jesus and regular Jesus?" I didn't know and now > Christmas is coming up again. What shall I tell here most wise one? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The grown-up Jesus walked on the sea of Galilee, } the baby Jesus filled his diapers with pee. } } Big Jesus raised the dead and cured the deaf, } Baby Jesus raised the roof with deafening cries. } } Jesus the man prayed this cup would pass from his lips, } Jesus the babe drank his fill from Mary's tits. } } Older Jesus preached the Sermon on the Mount, } Newborn Jesus grunted, pewled, and burped. } } Shocking heresy? } to be a man, He had first to be a babe, } lest all else be done in vain. } } You owe the Oracle, so please don't ask } what Jesus did at age sixteen.