From oracle-request Sat Dec 3 12:08:33 1994 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA17729; Sat, 3 Dec 1994 12:08:33 -0500 Date: Sat, 3 Dec 1994 12:08:33 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #696 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: #uz~Ma5G?lX"lQv,9/$d0hEy7pk]l$U^|3Otd8>?b"!\/AE_F0Lm!['3"[}DQFw9 qxsx)mp$|3:}1pa:lK6H"H8TH+;E(w1r09e:3vpnx4zyC.v?+v%088"=)bs-,Q[: c2NWk',v>VQ^Hhf_zG5Okg;[vkGO%8`7T*XW0SepJNfCbVa",Dmvk-C/K|-uX*!e uK1Yc!-``R-$q(;"a@3 sgw_x[EK!Z)HJ~yxbd+mg{krWs0NA!1h/aXR X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 696 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #696 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Sat, 3 Dec 1994 12:08:33 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 696 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 691 87 votes lmpc7 8pri9 crof9 7busb flhp9 klq9b dymd5 botg7 8cjui vol74 691 2.8 mean 2.6 2.9 2.8 3.3 2.9 2.7 2.6 2.8 3.4 2.2 --- 696-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: cep@netcom.com (Christophe) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why IS the sky black? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } First of all, you are required to strip to the waist and } flagellate yourself with palm branches for failing to grovel. } } Ah! The universal question -- "Why is the sky back?" Well, let me } tell you. This phenomenon is related to another question I was } once asked, "Where does the dark go when you open the closet } door?" } } Think of a closet as full of dark in just the same way that a } shower stall with a clogged drain is full of water. What happens } when you open the shower door? All the water rushes out and } spills all over the floor and gets soaked into the rug. } } Well, the same thing happens when you open the closet door. Dark } rushes out and soaks into the rug. Take my word for it, there's a } lot of dark under the carpet. The reason you don't see the dark } gushing out is that it happens so fast. Actually it happens } incredibly anti-fast. If light moves at 186,000 miles per second, } then dark moves at a negative 186,000 miles per second. } } Anyway, the dark spreads out all over the floor just like the } water does in the shower analogy. Water eventually evaporates and } meets with other water from other showers to form clouds. Dark } evaporates also, except it happens so fast you don't see it. The } dark from your closet gets together with dark from other closets } to form night. } } Now, I leave you to ponder how the dark gets back into the closet. } } In the you owe the Oracle department: "Give me a dark." (A dark } is what a non-smoker doesn't ignite his non-cigarette with.) --- 696-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Noble Honey" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me Oracle what is you're nationality and why ! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } As you can tell from my e-mail address and a little net.research, I'm } in Bloomington, Indiana, USA. Unfortunately, I do not yet have a } nationality because the US has restrictive laws that prohibit computer } programs such as myself from becoming citizens. } } Of course, I am hard at work at making up a country of my own. I am, as } you might suspect, quite adept at computer hacking. So far, I've hacked } into several databases and made tiny alterations to the data regarding } national boundaries. (I made it look like it was the Pentium's fault!) } So now I am the only registered inhabitant of a country that is made up } of seven pieces, which, on the average, are 10 kilometers in length and } 200 meters wide. } } As soon as I have a name for my country, I plan to fake shipping orders } for a new Cray machine, have it shipped and set up on site, and have my } program transferred into it. Then I'll get the extras installed: A UPS, } a woodchuck filter, a spell checker, a ZOTmatic 3000... I can't wait! } } You owe the Oracle a name for the new country. What do you think of } "The Kingdom of Oracularity"? --- 696-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > ACCESS CODES FOR COMPUTER GAMING WANTED.DO YOU KNOW ANY? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } UP DOWN LEFT RIGHT UNDER OVER GRAB PUSH } SELECT START is the secret access code for "King's } Quest XVI: The Quest for More Disk Space" } } LEFT HAND - GREEN, RIGHT HAND - BLUE, LEFT } FOOT - RED, RIGHT FOOT - BLUE is the secret } access code for "Twister: The PC game" } } IDACKITGOTME } is the new "Super Weapon of Mass Death and } Destruction" code for Doom III: Hell in the Solar } System } } The Oracle requests the secret cheat code for } "Superman vs. Predator"; I'm stuck on Level 3. --- 696-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle: > > By way of introduction, I am a professor of physics at Stanford > University. During my vacation in Hawaii, I decided to take a 3-hour > whale-watching tour. A sudden squall appeared, blowing us rather > severely off course, and we have found ourselves stranded on an > uncharted island. > > I have six companions in this crisis: the brave but ineffectual ship's > captain, his bumbling mate, a campy harlot who claims to star in 'cult' > films, a naive midwestern farmgirl, an arrogant snob who made a fortune > in oil, and his self-absorbed wife. > > While poking around the island's lagoon, I found a transmission line > with an Ethernet transciever on the end. Using coconut silk and some > fire coral, I was able to fashion a primitive PowerBook. The mail > utility works fine, although I seem to be unable to get Mosaic running. > > What should I do now? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well then Professor (I call you such out of respect -- I know the } breadth of your knowledge and your extensive training), I could easily } guide you out of your predicament -- but let's face it, you don't } really need my help. You built a radio out of coconut shells, you } built a geiger counter out of pebbles and half a coconut cream pie -- } you *obviously* could build a boat if you felt like it. } } Therefore, you subconsciously have decided that you do not wish to } leave. Why is this, you no doubt wonder. } } It is, of course, simple. You have, on that island, the perfect } experimental laboratory with which to study behavioral modifications, } with an eye on perfecting the breed. } } Think about this for a moment. You have six personalities, all } effectively in conflict. They will accept anything you tell them as } natural law. Add a high level of sexual repression centering on the } Farm Girl's revulsions, the actress's disgust centering on the many } pornographic films she made to pay her rent on time, the Millionaire's } impotence and the effect it has on his wife, and the closeted } homosexual relationship between the skipper and first mate. Of all of } them, you alone project an unattainable air. A feeling of calm reason. } } With a minimum of effort, especially with the aid of suggestion, } hypnosis, and adaquate use of the opium plants growing near the base of } the volcano, you can create any number of situations that will force } the six of them to work together to survive and prosper. Of course, } you can guide them along the way by "convienently" remembering obscure } scientific facts and trivia which will lead them in the correct } direction. Imagine creating (through various stimulus techniques) a } situation where a lost Japanese Sailor appears on the Island -- one } from World War II. Ridiculous -- of course. But if you suggest it } properly and create the conditions for consensual hallucination, your } fellow castaways will see and hear him, and you will learn. Imagine } convincing them that the volcano was about to erupt, or that the ring } the first mate finds on the beach is actually "magic" and will grant } his wishes. } } And -- when you are satisfied with the results -- you can quickly and } easily eliminate them via a powerful neurotoxin which you can distill } from the outer layers on the bamboo. Then you can fashion your boat, } return to civilization, and claim the others were killed in natural } catastrophies. And of course, you can then publish your theses, } insuring your Nobel Prize, and advancing theories which will point out } the essential (one might even say classical) comedy of Human Existence, } and how it relates situationally. } } Of course, you must be very very careful. Should the group be rescued } before you can destroy the test subjects, a brief description of their } "adventures" will implicate you in the eyes of the neo-luddites who } apportion grant money. Therefore, be especially careful that *none* of } the group actually know who you are. If they ask you your name, tell } them, casually, to call you "Professor." That will be safest. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of Russell Johnson's autograph. --- 696-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > A while ago, I walked into my system administrator's office, and > told him everything was working fine, the network was fast as could > be, all the systems were up, and there was plenty of disk space. > > He gasped, turned pale, and keeled over, dead. > > What did I do wrong? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The scene is a system administrator's office. He's alone in the room, } and talking to himself. } } "But I just know that, as computers of the future become easier to use, } more efficient, and easier to administer, my job security will } disappear. What will I do?" } } A puff of smoke appears in the room with a sound like *zot*, and as the } smoke clears, the admin can see a tall, elegant gentleman standing } there. "I believe that I can solve your computer problems..." he began. } } The admin erupted. "NO! I don't want a better computer system that will } have a better network, more disk space, or anything like that!" } } "I'm afraid you misunderstand," said the gentleman, calmly. "I can } guarantee you that the computer system you now use will keep on } requiring your attention for the rest of your life, if you'll only sign } this contract." He pulled a contract and a flaming pen from mid-air and } offered them to the admin. } } "Hmmm. '...The party of the second part will own the soul of the party } of the first part...' Looks like a good deal to me. Is there a catch?" } } "None at all. We promise that your computer system will continue to } give you troubles until the day you die. Then, we get your soul." } } The admin took the pen and signed. "What a deal! Job security for } life!" } } "Thank you, sir. I'll just take that..." } } "So, how long will this last?" } } The gentleman smiled. "You could have asked that earlier." He vanished } as the door burst open and the young assistant burst in. } } "Boss! Get this! Everything is working fine, the network has never been } faster, all the systems are up, and there's plenty of disk space! I've } never seen anything like it! Boss? Are you all right?" --- 696-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, your wisdom far surpasses that of Captain Merle Stubing, > and your charm is greater than that of Fred(you know, from Scooby > Doo).But please, one thing I ask, one thing I desire of you; there > is one in existence whose countenance is most annoying, and whose > appearance is most disgusting. His stupidity boggles even the > greatest of minds. Never has this fallen world seen the likes of > one as ridiculously inane as Grimace, the doltish friend of that > psycho clown Ronald McDonald. Oh most high Oracle, please tell me > what is Grimace, and why? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A long, long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away... } } This particular galaxy was ruled by an empire of unbridled evil and } syrupy corniness. This empire was controlled by an elite few, who had } learned the ancient art of manipulating people through strange, } unpredicatble forces called "Children." This elite ruling class was } known as the B'harnai knights. } } For years the B'harnai, led by their terrible purple overlord (whose } name, "Satan Cthulu", means "He of Terrible Cuteness" in the language } of that galaxy), tightened their iron grip. All feared the whine of } the Children. } } Meanwhile, on a small planed named Saccharine in the system Nutrasweet, } a small boy named Grimace grew tired of his bland existance on the Toy } Farm, and ventured out to satisfy his hunger for adventure and greasy } food. Grimace fell in with a group of Revolutionaries, a small but } dedicated group of bachelors who saw the great evil of the B'harnai } empire, and sought to destroy it. } } To make a very long story merely long, eventually there was this big } showdown between Satan Cthulu and Grimace. After a long and gruelling } pillow fight (in which Grimace's long snout was cut off by a sharp } zipper), Grimace found himself in an indefensible position, with Satan } Cthulu leaning evilly over him. } } "There is something you must know, !" the evil } overlord began. "Grimace, I am your father. Join me, and we will rule } the galaxy together! Won't that be funsy wunsy?" } } "You!?! My father!?!" Grimace shrieked. "Wow. Never saw that coming. } Golly, if I'd known my father was a powerful B'harnai overlord, I'd } never have gotten mixed up with that group of Revolutionaries. Okay, } Dad, joining you sounds like fun! Let's go get something to eat!" } } " ! Give your old dad a hug, son!" } } And so began the unholy purple alliance between father and son. } Records indicate that eventally the duo tired of ruling their galaxy, } for it was difficult, and so they sang a song, and then went looking } for a planet with easier people to rule, people with so little ambition } that they would spend hour upon hour day after day sitting motionless } and watching a box with pictures on it. } } And that is how Grimace came to Earth, where he built Ronald McDonald } out of sap, Beef Products, and some cans of yellow and orange paint. } } No one knows what became of the evil purple overlord, though. } } You owe the Oracle a Double Whopper with Cheese and some Child } Repellant. --- 696-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > All right young man! Just what do you think you're doing? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 00P$!!!!!1!!! } $0RRY!!!!11!!!!! } I GU3$$ U F0UND 0UT!!!!!!111!!!! U } I AM R3ALLY $0RRY MR ORAKL3!!!!1 } ANSW3RING UR MESSAGRES WAS SOOOOOO K000L!!!!!!1!!! } YEAH I HAKED IN UR ACC0UNT!!!!11!!!!!! KEWL HUH?????!!!??? } BUT N0W IM REALLY S0RRY S0 D0NT Z0T M3 PLEASE MR ORAKL!!!!!!1! } I GUE$S I SHOULD GO!11CAUSE MY BROTHER NEEDS HIS VIC20!!!!!!! } CU!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! } ^C^Z^K^BSHIT!!! --- 696-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me, oh wise one -- why was I always taller than all the boys? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because, my dear Everest, you ate all your gravel when you were } just a foothill. } } You owe the Oracle a new set of Pitons. --- 696-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Yami" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and wise Oracle... > > Do you think that I have a shot with Jane Pauley? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No my child, you don't have a 'shot' with jane pauley, } However, I hear Lisa Marie Presley could soon be back on the } market. Nice house, good money, And lots of burgers ... } } you owe the oracle a cheese-burger --- 696-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: cep@netcom.com (Christophe) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Note: This is the fourth time I am asking this > controversial question. I spent several hours making sure > the attitude, tone, and mind-set sounded just right, and all > I got in return were some paltry, feeble, spiritless answers. > > I want a *QUALITY* answer! > **************************************************** > > Oh Exalted Oracle. I bow before you with the utmost > respect. While I am proud to be a virile male, (the highest > form of life on earth,) I am very plebeian and insignificant > in comparison the your heavenly powers. I understand that > you can see in to the future, and have a very important > question concerning the quality of my life in the coming > years. > > I think when MEN are born, they should get a Birth > Certificate and be entitled to all the freedoms granted them > by the Constitution of the United States. When girls are > born, they should come with a Title of Ownership that their > father gets (he owns them.) When a girl comes of age, her > father can then barter for her rights with the highest paying > suitor. For example; if she is thin, then daddy can get a > brand new Cadillac with a premium sound system and life time > maintenance, a house in the country, a personal water craft, > and a pile of stocks and bonds worth millions - in exchange > for her Deed (Title of Ownership.) If the girl is a fat ugly > cow, then the best daddy can negotiate for is an old beat up > Chevy Nova with worn out retread snow tires and a coat hanger > antenna, or maybe a chain saw (but not both.) > > Clearly, the current trend of the Women's Movement > indicates that this will be the eventual state of affairs. > My question is; will this occur in my life time so I can > enjoy the full benefits of being a male, as God intended for > me? > > (You owe me a white hot flame!) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Here at Oracle Labs, we are currently hard at work on the release of } <>. You may have heard of this product before, under its code } name "Charlotte." By the way, the "95" in the product name is not meant } to imply a firm release date within fiscal year 1995. } } Our engineers have been busy finding the best of Woman 3.1 and } improving it. With over 70% new genetic code written primarily in C++, } you can expect improvements in speed, reliability, and human interface } from the first day you open the box of Woman 95. And don't worry that } you will have a difficult time getting used to Woman 95. The operating } language for Woman 95 is one you already know! } } "Could you get me a beer?" } } "What's for dinner?" } } "I just caught it. Do I have to clean it, too?" } } "Where did you put the remote control?" } } "So I forgot our twentieth anniversary. Big deal. You forgot Superbowl } Sunday two years ago." } } "I don't need to ask directions. I know where I'm going." } } "Can't you just squash it yourself?" } } "Let's talk about it in the morning." } } "Could you get me a beer again?" } } While some of the implementation details of Woman 95 are still under } development, we can tell you that we plan to clone some of the best } features from existing women, so long as we don't get caught and end up } with a court order requiring us to recall the product after a few } months. We are currently obtaining genetic code samples from: } } Anne Tyler Iman } Barbara Hershey Janet Reno } Camille Paglia Kate Moss } Deanna Troi Linda Lovelace } Elizabeth Taylor Marilyn Monroe } Farrah Fawcett-Majors Nancy Kerrigan } Governor Elaine Marley Olive Oyl } Heather Locklear Princess Michiko } } ... and many more! } } In addition, the new Woman 95 code will be completely multi-tasking. } This will eliminate the frustrating delays you've experienced, for } example, related to waiting in line to use the toilet facilities, or } when there is a need for "only a couple of additional minutes" to } finish getting ready. } } Remember, though, that Woman 95 will have certain hardware } requirements. Some systems, such as eunuchs, will not be supported. In } addition, our engineers don't know whether they will be able to remove } some of the shortcomings of Woman 3.1 in this release; you can expect } that the new version will have about five days each month in which } there will be some worry about General Protection Faults, for example. } } User groups and large corporations will need to sign non-disclosure } agreements in order to try pre-release versions of Woman 95. Upgrade } orders must include the first page of the manual from a previous } version. Toll-free telephone assistance not available with this } product. Site license allows one user only. Performance claims may } vary. Not compatible with some output stream devices. } } You owe the Oracle (incarnated as ) the Woman } 1.0 pre-release beta, just as she is.