From oracle-request Wed Dec 7 16:50:51 1994 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA05009; Wed, 7 Dec 1994 16:50:51 -0500 Date: Wed, 7 Dec 1994 16:50:51 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #697 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: #uz~Ma5G?lX"lQv,9/$d0hEy7pk]l$U^|3Otd8>?b"!\/AE_F0Lm!['3"[}DQFw9 qxsx)mp$|3:}1pa:lK6H"H8TH+;E(w1r09e:3vpnx4zyC.v?+v%088"=)bs-,Q[: c2NWk',v>VQ^Hhf_zG5Okg;[vkGO%8`7T*XW0SepJNfCbVa",Dmvk-C/K|-uX*!e uK1Yc!-``R-$q(;"a@3 sgw_x[EK!Z)HJ~yxbd+mg{krWs0NA!1h/aXR X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 697 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #697 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Wed, 7 Dec 1994 16:50:51 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 697 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 692 89 votes Dme77 lsod3 bampl 9iuie jxlb5 nkr9a 2cpwi msp95 ahohl eivi8 692 2.8 mean 2.1 2.4 3.4 3.1 2.4 2.6 3.6 2.4 3.2 2.9 --- 697-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alan M. Gallatin" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is software so hard to produce? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Software production is made extremely difficult by a number of pests. } One of these pests is the disk weevil, which somehow mysteriously } causes your File Allocation Tables to lose sectors. So far, there } is no natural cure for the disk weevil. The only thing you can do } to rid yourself of the disk weevil is to make plenty of backups and } to do a Norton Disk Doctor to the disk. You'll lose half your files, } but it's better than nothing. --- 697-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alan M. Gallatin" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If a man is doing what he wants to do but he is not hurting any one but > people still just don't like it! Should he pay attention to them? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This is a constructive dilemma, the bible says one thing, a person } with his own religion might think of something else, whilst the } religion of me (THE Oracle) says a third. } } One more important thing to take in accordance, is that I only answer } your question, about what happens if a *man* does this, not a woman. } } THE oracle religion says that the man is doing wrong (see THE book } chapter 78, paragraph 45) "Thou shalt only think of THE oracle, } nothing else", a man who thinks of himself (he obviously does so in } this case is doing wrong. } } You owe the oracle a visit to "ftp://ftp.std.com/pub/jttoys/catalog" --- 697-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: cep@netcom.com (Christophe) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why aren't christmas lights packed in Hershey's Chocolates? > I mean, why? Why WHY WHY?!?! > > Glowing Candies in Beaver........ And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Whiny, demanding ingrate of a supplicant ... it's only because the } answer to your question takes such a minuscule portion of my brain to } answer that I'm even bothering with you. Did your mother never teach } you to grovel? } } Actually, it was not Hershey, but M&M Mars who test-marketed this idea, } with their popular "Snickers" candy bar. The slogan was: "Packed with } Christmas Lights, Snickers Really Satisfies!" } } The tiny christmas lights in each bar were crunchier than peanuts, and } shattered in your mouth with a satisfying "snap!" } } But, although the label clearly warned of the dangers of laceration and } permanent disfigurement, M&M Mars suffered a number of lawsuits and was } finally forced to withdraw the product as "irresponsible." } } Hershey sat back and gloated over the whole affair, as if they hadn't } been poised and ready to launch a line of shard-filled candies and } kisses if the snickers-snappers hadn't fallen flat. } } As it happens, Hershey is, right now, test marketing in remote sections } of Canada an auto-luminescent confection packaged inside ... you } guessed it ... a live beaver. The beaver comes ready for } butchering/skinning, and imagine the squeals of the children as each } glowing candy is revealed! } } You owe the Oracle a humble, sincere grovel and a box of } chocolate-covered pencil-shavings. --- 697-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Nah-nee-nah-nee-boo-boo! You can't catch me! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, you have it almost right, but you're forgetting that in Class VII } verbs, reduplication indicates the past tense. Thus, we have the } following forms: } } Na nina nibu. You can't catch me. } Na nina nibubu. You couldn't catch me. } Na ninoe nibubu. He, she, or it couldn't catch me. } Na nina a-nibubu. You couldn't catch us. } Zei relina tara ai molikwe, nina zotting-hwake roba na kreda hwakeke. } If you misconjugate that verb one more time, you're going to } catch a zotting like you wouldn't believe. } } You owe the Oracle a Kel-si grammar text. --- 697-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: cierhart@oeonline.com (Otis Viles) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Please O Faboo Oracle Most Wise, whose boots are shiny with the > grovelings of many, I ask thee...... > > Why don't sheep shrink in the rain? > > -Most Humble of Supplicants And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ewe have asked and I wool answer: sheep shrink not from rain, } for shearers shirk their chores when sunshine vanishes. } Unshorn sheep need not seek shelter, since their pelts repel } the pelting pellets of precipitation's pour. Porous yes, but } pour oil on troubled waters, and the pores are full of lanolin. } } You owe the Oracle a shank of mutton. --- 697-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, > > I decided I was thinking too slowly, so I had my brain replaced > with a new quadruple-speed model. > > Trouble is, my hands move same old speed when type, so boring > and often forget by end of sentence what. What? > > Worse, seems like spend 32 hours a day at work. > Commercials on TV so lo-o-o-ong! Worse than before! > > Oracle, > the rest, always the best, pls tell me > what to do about it? > > Quick! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oop. Lookssllikeeyyou'reeiinnfforrmmoreepproblemsstthannyyouueexpected. } Sinceeyyou'veennowwggottIIntellIInsideeyyourrhhead, youummayyffinddiit } strangelyyddifficulttttooccarryyooutteevennssimpleettaskssrrequiring } anyypprecision, likeerreadinggyyourrmmail. } Apparentlyynnormallssentences willlsstartttoobblurriintoooone. } } Whilsttyyouummayytthinkktthatteeveryyooneeelseeiissaalsooeexperiencing } theseepproblems, actuallyyttheyyaareeffineeaanddaareellaughinggaattyyou } forrsspendinggssoommuchhoonnssuchhaannuunnecessaryyppieceeooffwwetware. } } Youuooweettheeooracleeaaabbuckettffulllooffsspaces. --- 697-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Alright, Oracle, here we go again. > > I've asked you this question sixteen times, and SIXTEEN times I've been > zotted. It's getting old. The constant electrical barrage has > rendered me sterile and I can't taste popcorn anymore, nor enjoy Murder > She Wrote as much as I used to. > > I've taken preparations. In front of me I am holding Mother Theresa > and the Pope is behind me, with Ghandi on the right and godlike > director James Cameron on the left. Above me is a small innocent > child. If you zot me, they ALL go. If your aim is anything less than > perfect you'll hit one of the Power Rangers, whom I have tied to poles > in geometric points around me to act as lightning rods, each with a > small Barney doll on their heads. > > I don't want to know much. I don't even want to know the answer to my > sixteen time asked question; I just want to know this. If you're so > smegging omnipotent, answer it. > > I just want to know if you even KNOW the answer to 'How much wood would > a wood chuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck would'. The amount is > trivial. But do you even know the answer, or are these zots covering up > the one hole in your omniscient mind? > > I'm bracing myself for the answer as we speak and have written out a > will. If I die, my lottery winnings go to Al Gore with instructions to > 'Get in there and bring righteousness and purity to usenet'. Tipper > will receive a similar envelope, and Canter and Siegel will get enough > money to purchase France. > > So. Your answer? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh overly cautious supplicant, } } Okay, kid, keep it cool. Put the baby down, give Gandhi's glasses } back, and let go of Mother Theresa's habit. No need for such caution, } we're all friends here, just relax... that's right... yes... Okay. } Good. Have a seat. } } Now, normally I'd just gently zot you at this point and send you on } your way. The Oracle knows all, but doesn't necessarily tell all... } there are some answers the mere human mind isn't ready for. But this } is a special case. You're obviously a determined individual, and if I } don't give you some kind of answer you're going to go do something } irrational. No, put the Barney doll DOWN. He can't help you now. } That's fine. Sit back. You maybe want a drink? } } Now pay close attention. Once upon a time, woodchucks COULD chuck } wood, all the wood they wanted, and they did it a lot. The hillsides } were covered with chucked wood. Nothing but chucked wood, as far as the } eye could see. As each piece was chucked, it fell to the ground, making } a horrible noise -- even when there was nobody around to hear it. } (This was around the same time that pin-dancing became such a fad among } the Anglos... No, I said _ANGLOS_, the other was a mistranslation. } Tribes of Celtic nomads used to gather together every solstice to dance } on the stumps of pine trees and celebrate the season's chucking. Pine } trees, I said. PINE. What's the matter, you got something in your } ears? Pine-dancing. Pay attention.) } } Now all this was well and good, until one day one of the Anglos heard } someone scratching at the door of his tent. Yes, they lived in tents in } those days. Stop interrupting or I'll never finish. He lifted the } tenflap, and to his surprise he saw a -- well, let's just say it was a } mammal. With big eyes. From Madagascar. What? No, I don't have } anything against Madagascar. I did NOT sound angry just then! I had } something caught in my throat. Never mind. Are you going to let me } finish this story or not? } } So this -- this _mammal_, he asked the Anglo whether he thought it was } right that the woodchucks got to do all the chucking, when the Anglos } had to spend all day dancing around on pine stumps. 'Why don't YOU } do some of the chucking,' asked the mammal. The Anglo thought about it } for a minute, decided that chucking wood did sound like it'd be a lot } of fun, but he didn't know how it was done, and thought he'd better } stick to what he knew. Like pine-dancing. } } 'Follow me,' answered the mammal, and led the Anglo up the hillside. } 'Hush,' cautioned the mammal, as they neared the top; 'be quiet! Here, } hang on to my tail, I'll lead you the rest of the way.' So carefully, } stealthily, the Anglo and the mammal snuck the rest of the way up } the hillside, and hid themselves behind a convenient oak stump which } was there. 'Look,' said the mammal, and the Anglo carefully peeked } over the stump, where to his amazement he saw -- what, your drink's } empty already? Hang on, hang on... I could use another myself... all } this talking... Now, where was I? Oh yes. } } Well, he saw the woodchucks, of course; great herds of woodchucks doing } what they do best. Mighty forests fell before the powerful woodchucks, } and as the Anglo watched he felt an ancient jealousy and strength swell } within him. He flexed his muscles, made limber and supple by years of } pine-dancing, and said to himself, "Hell, I can do that!" } } And so he did -- the very next day he gathered up a bunch of the } Anglos, told them to stop dancing, and they set to chucking wood. And } they were good at it. My, they were good. They went on chucking right } past the amazed woodchucks, chucked the whole island before sundown, } and built themselves little log cabins to rest in. Here, have another } drink. Go on, take the bottle. } } Well, the next day, they were out of trees -- the woodchucks were kind } of wandering around, kicking things, muttering to themselves, and the } Anglos gathered in what used to be a nice grove of aspen and had } themselves a discussion. Wasn't long before one of the Anglos said to } the group, 'Hey, why stop at chucking wood? We can chuck anything we } want to!' (Later on, when someone asked him how he came up with the } idea, he admitted that a little furry guy with a ringed tail had given } him the idea.) So the Anglos started chucking stones, and they moved } out of their log cabins into little stone buildings, and later on big } castles. Pretty soon they had to invent new things to chuck, and } started chucking bronze, then steel, iron, concrete, complex polymers, } and silicon microcircuitry. They spread off the island, chucking } everything in their path, until finally one group of Anglos chucked } something really huge and powerful at another group of Anglos, and the } whole world turned into one huge chuckhole, forever and ever amen. } } But you asked about the woodchucks, right? Sorry, I wandered off the } topic. It's been a long day -- you wouldn't... hey, guy? Hello? Are } you with me? Geez, what'd you do, drink the whole bottle? Hey, wake } up! Yo! Hey Supplicant!! WAKE UP!!! } } ::sigh:: } } Alice? This is Orrie... could you send a couple of priests up here to } take care of a supplicant? He's had a bit too much truth for one day; } I think he needs to sleep it off. That's right, room 1. Thanks, Alice. } You're a peach. No, I'm fine, just a little tired. Thanks for asking. } G'bye, Alice. } } ::sigh:: } } You owe the Oracle a new bottle, of a good vintage. The Oracle doesn't } drink the cheap stuff. --- 697-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: engel@San-Jose.ate.slb.com (Mike Engelhardt) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle Most Wise, please tell me, > > Is it better to be dead or red? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Lab report 94-12203, Preferred states of being. } } Hypothesis: It is better to be dead than red. } } The Experiment: } } Four identical Madonna-clones were specially grown for this test. } } Subject A was painted entirely red and placed upon display in an } uptown art gallery. } } Subject B was killed by means of a combination steamroller and espresso } maker, after applying meat tenderizers, Lava soap, and Turtle Wax. } (Note: This was conducted in conjunction with experiment 94-11930, } We're still trying to find a way to kill Madonna.) Subsequently Subject } B was placed on display in a very trendy art gallery. } } Subject C was killed in the same way as Subject B. (Note: This was } conducted in conjunction with experiment 94-11940, Now that we've got } the hang of it, killing Madonna is so much fun we want to do it again.) } Then, Subject C was painted completely red and placed on display in } a truly avant-guard art gallery. } } Subject D was the control Madonna. She was placed in an art gallery } that was on the skids. } } The results: } } Subject D said, "This really sucks! You've got to get some better } stuff in here." Then she left. } } Subjects B and C never complained at all. During the course of the } experiment their body temperatures dropped by an average of 17 degrees } Celsius, but the Turtle Wax kept them looking good. } } Subject A said, "This is sooooo cool! It's kinda trippy being } painted red. I wish I had thought of this years ago. Oh, look! } It's Kevin Costner! Hi Kevin! Neat, huh?" } } Conclusion: It seems that it is better to be red than dead. However, } it is not clear from this experiment whether it is better to be red } and dead, or dead without being red. It also is unclear whether the } results can be generalized to non-Madonna life forms, but we're having } so much fun that we don't care. } } Notes: At the end of the experiment, the surviving clones were thrown } into the shark tank. (Refs: 94-9735 & 679-07.) } } Thank you for the suggestion. You owe the Oracle still another } experiment that can be performed upon Madonna. --- 697-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ken McGlothlen The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Do you know where I can get the Klingon translation of the Bible ??? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } tlhobwl' -- } } qatlh bImachbe'a' tlhobwl' } } To keep you from running to your dictionary, that's "Why didn't you } grovel, supplicant?" (More literally, it's "Why didn't you make } yourself small , asker?") } } For not groveling, I sentence you to write the Klingon translation of } the Bible, which was never written because... } } Alright. Here's the scoop. A while back, a supplicant came to me and } asked how to translate Yahweh into Klingon. Seems he was working on } the Klingon translation of the Bible. So I told him to start with the } English translation of Yahweh (which is from the initials YHWH, which } stand for "I am who/what I am"). He said that the trouble was with } the lack of a Klingon phrase for "I am." I replied that it wasn't } *my* fault that Klingons don't have the brains to philosophize about } existence and therefore didn't need a verb for "to be". He got mad, } saying "QI'yah" and declared war. } } So I ZOTed him. No biggie. } } Now *you* have to translate the Bible! And don't you dare ask me how } to say "to be!" } } You owe the Oracle tickets to Star Trek: Generations. --- 697-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: cep@netcom.com (Christophe) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What do you think about the Federal Institut of Technology In Zurich > Switzerland (ETH), especially about the department of electrical > engineering? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hummm. While the Oracle really doesn't approve of industrial spying, } this time I'll make an exception. Here are my files on the FIT in } Zurich, Switzerland (Especially the DOEE): } } WARNING*WARNING*WARNING } This is a top-secret Web Oracular Observation File (WOOF). Please do } not read this if not authorized by the appropiate Web Oraclular } Authorization Hierarchy (WOAH). Failure to heed the above warnings } with result in Immediate Oracle ZOTting (IOZ), Woodchuck Joke Exposure } (WJE), Flogging with a Wet Noodle (FWN), and any other Three-Letter } Acronyms (TLA) we can think of. If you're still reading, please Kill } Yourself Now (KYN). YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. Have a Nice Day (HND). Or } Else. (OE ... so we're one short. Sue us.) } WARNING*WARNING*WARNING } } FEDERAL INSTITUTE OF TECHNOLOGY (Zurich, Switzerland) } Oracular Agents report that the Swiss here are busy with secret "Black } Projects", especially the infamous Department Of Electrical } Engineering. Deep penetration raids into their database systems (secret } Internet address: Go_Away@Secret.Swisscheese.Edu) have indicated that } they are working on upgrades to the little known about Swiss Army } Knife/Intercontinental Ballistic Missle. With this diabolical new } weapon, the Swiss will be able to not only vaporize any location on the } face of the Earth, but to open cans, trim their nails, and get the cork } out of bottles of wine at the same time! Also mentioned was the } Hypno-Swatch Project ("Operation Tacky Timepieces") with a fashionable } and accurate Swiss Watch with the ability to hypnotize their wearers } and to turn them into drooling, mindless zombies who are at the mercy } of their Swiss masters! } } Oh, and they make damn good cheese, too. } } END FILE -------------- } } There you have it, Supplicant. You can be assured that we're gonna } keep a close eye on these characters! } } You owe the Oracle a Baby Goulda.