From oracle-request Fri Dec 9 15:17:59 1994 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA17492; Fri, 9 Dec 1994 15:17:59 -0500 Date: Fri, 9 Dec 1994 15:17:59 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #698 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: #uz~Ma5G?lX"lQv,9/$d0hEy7pk]l$U^|3Otd8>?b"!\/AE_F0Lm!['3"[}DQFw9 qxsx)mp$|3:}1pa:lK6H"H8TH+;E(w1r09e:3vpnx4zyC.v?+v%088"=)bs-,Q[: c2NWk',v>VQ^Hhf_zG5Okg;[vkGO%8`7T*XW0SepJNfCbVa",Dmvk-C/K|-uX*!e uK1Yc!-``R-$q(;"a@3 sgw_x[EK!Z)HJ~yxbd+mg{krWs0NA!1h/aXR X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 698 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #698 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Fri, 9 Dec 1994 15:17:59 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 698 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 693 86 votes aork5 6cmB9 3dpsh 8ivib eqne9 8hnpd arpi6 fooh6 eote5 abfsm 693 3.0 mean 2.8 3.4 3.5 3.1 2.7 3.2 2.8 2.7 2.7 3.5 --- 698-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Do vampires really exist? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, although not in the precise form that popular } legends ascribe to them. Next time your tax return } is audited, take a look at the tax agent. } } You owe the Oracle a toy rubber bat. Contributions } are tax deductible to the extent permitted by law. --- 698-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Deep Thought" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Gracious one, > > Why do Scooby and Astro sound so much alike? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Rell, it's rike riff. Rooby-Doo and Astro are really rerated. } I recked Astro's renearogy and I round rat Rooby-Doo is Astro's } rreat-rreat rrandfarrer. As ror rhe ray rey ralk, it reems Rreat } Ranes rave rrouble riff ronsonants. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of the Flintstone Family Shrub. --- 698-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Great ocacle, > Plaese tel me: Whi i am so dum and ugly ?? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Supplicant, supplicate thyself. } } Twenty years ago, when you were conceived (under the pool table at the } Dog & Duck) one of my priests just happened to be running spot checks } on a variety of persona. He noted that when you matured } (cronologically, if not physically and mentally) you would ask this } most unsubmissive question. The matter was brought to my attention, } and as punishment I chose to intervene and give the unlucky sperm a } proverbial nonoxyl-9-pie-in-the-face. } } In sperm terms this is not good. } } The result stares you in the mirror every morning. } } You owe the Oracle another question with a large dollop of humility. --- 698-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David BREMNER The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Will there be any big news stories this Christmas? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle would tell you about the good news } you'll hear about on Christmas day, but that } might count as helping you to open your Christmas } presents early. And that would be bad. } } Therefore, I present to you: } Five Bad News Stories that will come to light on Christmas Day: } } 5. BARRY CONCEDES } Dave Barry announced today that he is conceding the 1992 } presidential election. At his concession speech, he told } his supporters, "Don't be bitter. We must stand behind } President Truman at this pivotal time in our country's history. } Ha, ha! Just kidding. I'm mad as hell. Let the riots } begin!" Secret Service agents assigned to the former candidate } expressed sorrow at the announcement: "He always gave us free } beer, and pretzel sticks if we asked for... } } 4. CHIA PETS: GREEN AGENTS OF SATAN? } Singapore-- } An internaltional task force made up of police from Thailand, } Malaysia, and Thailand report that they have broken up a drug } distribution organization with ties to American Satanist } groups. "They were achieving some sort of mind-control effects } by means of these 'Chia Pet' objects," said officer Peng Tze. } "People would eat the plants that grew on the objects, and } become addicted. Soon they would be drawn into cult ways... } } 3. FOREIGN FILMS CAUSE CANCER, STUDY SHOWS } Radiation given off by subtitles shown with foreign films has } been linked with a form of brain cancer. Researchers say that } in extreme cases, the thinking of those affected may be so } altered that the subject may suffer from delusions. "We've } seen cases where people had started to think that Bergman's } 'The Seventh Seal' had 'something to say about life'--whatever } that means," said Eustace Dingleberry, head of the research } team. He suggested that people worried that they had been } affected by the subtitles see "a good old-fashioned American } picture--like 'Tapeheads' or 'Joe versus the Volcano'", and see } if they like it. He cautioned, "If the movie doesn't seem to } make sense, then some sort of effect or affectation has definitely } set in. Researchers are looking to artificial butter as a cure... } } 2. PRESS CENSORSHIP NOT PROBLEM, INSIST REPORTERS } A survey of newspaper journalists revealed that most feel that } their editors do a [good] job of presenting their stories. "The } paper is owned by a family very even-handed in its politics," } said one reporter who begged not to be indentified. "Yesireebob, } they... ran that article about the..., thus showing they... care } about the plight of aboriginal peoples of the rainforest, for } instance." } } 1. INDIANA NAMED "WOODCHUCK STATE" } In a poorly-attended meeting of the Indiana State Assembly, } State Measure #30124, which decrees that Indiana will from } now on be known as "The Woodchuck State", was passed yesterday. } The measure was not expected to pass, and some analysts claim } it wouldn't have if more than three assemblypersons had been } present for the vote. "Only three people bothered to show up } for the meeting--it was Saturday and Christmas Eve. I guess things } got a little silly," said Assemblywoman Maria Terry... --- 698-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alan M. Gallatin" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Most powerfull Oracle, tell me does the (near) perfect woman for me > exist ? And can she be found in Cyberspace ? > Is she connected to Internet ? > If so what is her Email address ? > If you can give me these answers mighty Oracle I owe you forever. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Mein gotte! Don't you people ever get tired of these boy/girl games? } First Mr. Lonely Swimmer, now you! [Note to high priest: restock the } grape-bearing houris, replace the burnt-out choir angels, and fix the } question dispenser] But it's not _just_ that. After all, were it } _just_ that, I would write it off as being human nature and refer you } all to psychiatrists. No, the thing that _really_ bugs me is, nobody } *grovels*. Just once, I would like to see somebody get down on their } knees and plead! Whine and whimper and shamelessly brown-nose! If I'm } going to answer their questions, I want people to lick my boots, to } give me their first born children, to sacrifice lambs and virgins to } me! Oh, yes. I am sick and tired of questions, questions, QUESTIONS! } I'm fed up with it, I tell you! "Most powerfull Oracle" isn't gonna } cut it anymore body! And you _already_ owe me forever! Oh, the } merciless cruelty of it all! Here I am, an intellect the size of a } Ringworld*, and what do they ask me to do? Find the perfect girl! } Life, don't talk to me about life!... } } Oh--look at me. I'm a nervous wreck! Excuse me for my outburst. Now, } on with your question. As to the perfect female and where she can be } found, here are the data you requested: } } Everybody knows the perfect female is three feet tall, with } handle-shaped ears, and a flat head (to set down the beer bottle).** } And, fortunately for you, she's wired! Yes, she can be found in } Cyberspace. Unfortunately for you, Cyberspace exists only in novels. } Fortunately, she is also connected to the Internet. } Unfortunately, she doesn't have an e-mail address, but that's only } because she's (fortunately) directly connected via leased line--I } wasn't joking when I said she was wired. } } There, I've answered all your questions. } } You owe the Oracle one forever, thorough documentation on the VGA } registers, and a mailer that doesn't lose characters. Come to think of } it, a Coke would be nice about now. [Note to priest: Refill } underground Coke syrup tanks at earliest convenience.] } } * All fanciful space habitats mentioned in this document (to be } hereafter referred to as an "Oracularity") are the sole peoperty, } intellectual and otherwise, of their creators. } } ** Just so we don't get those Oraclettes mad--the perfect man is also } three feet tall and has handle-shaped ears, but has an eighteen-inch } tongue. --- 698-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What powers do Vampires have? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } O foolish supplicant - } } Vampires have the power to control the box office and run it into } the ground with stupid second-rate mock-horror movies featuring fading } boy-toy lead actors and pathetic screenwriting. } } You owe the Oracle a refund. The Oracle went to see "Interview } with a Vampire", after all. Hopefully, this will not make you stop } addressing the Oracle as "wise". --- 698-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise and knowledgable, perhaps you can shed some light > on this mystery for me. > > After years of dealing with American drivers on their own highways, > I simply cannot understand why they do some of the things they do. > The thing which really amazes me is how many of these people zoom > up behind me and start tailgating me. They follow me for miles. > They do this even when there is no other traffic on the road, and > they have ample opportunity to overtake me. > > Please tell me, Oracle, why do they do this? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } There is a code deep within the human genome that is responsible } for triggering inherent and deeply profound behavior *especially* when } the human involved is lonely, and trying to avoid sleeping on a long } and boring drive (ie. any road in the mid-west). The behavior is "get } really, really close to another human being". If you were to travel } long enough the car behind you would actually sneak up and climb into } the backseat and sit there for a while the driver has a beer and } reminisces about how they don't grow real tomatoes these days and how } the weather has gone strange since they started to send all those } rockets up. Fortunately this extreme behaviour is repressed these days, } and is most often expressed by people who, rather than tailgate, just } zoom up, pass you, then slow down to a crawl. } In reality, what you should do when someone displays this } anti-loneliness behavior is to help them by slowing down, especially } when the road gets a few bends and blind corners. You will know that } you are getting through when they start flashing their headlights. } This means they are enjoying your company, and are feeling better. } } On the other hand though, tailgating drivers might just be trying } to respond to the "Honk if you're Horny" sticker on your bumper. } } You owe the Oracle a tank of petroleum derivatives. --- 698-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Mighty Oracle, I continue to quail before your stupendous sagacity, > and appreciate that you've probably got a lot on your plate at the > moment, but I really do need an answer to this, so may I timorously > point out that you've been pondering it for three days now... > > For the second time of asking: > How can I convince Libertarians that they're talking garbage? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You can't. Contrary to popular belief, Liberarianism is not an } opinion. It's a rare medical disorder caused by the intake of } excessive amounts of lecithin. Currently there is no cure, but } research is currently underway. You can help by sending your } donation of $5 or more to the Lecithin Poisoning Foundation and } for goodness sake, lay off of the lecithin. --- 698-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alan M. Gallatin" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Almighty Oracle, who can travel at fantastic speeds without the > use of motors: > > When I buy a "transfer" for the bus, why does it say "not > transferrable"? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You're in a lot of trouble. I'll bet that when you bought the thing } you transferred it to your pocket. Then you transferred it home } where you transferred it from your pocket to the hall table. Then } some pesky kid came by with some silly putty and made a transfer of } it. Sit tight. The mass transit police are on their way. --- 698-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Ms Wilson" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > From: > O Oracle who is wiser than wise, please unravel this paradox > for me! The theologians and philosophers have punted the issue > back and forth about God and the Heavy Rock, but what about you, > in your meditative bliss in the IUVAX? > Can _you_ ask a question that _you_ can't answer? > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, I can certainly give you an answer you can't question, and } question an answer you can't ask. But now the question you asked me to } answer. } } Can _I_ ask a question that _I_ can't answer... } } Yes, unfortunately, yes. I have always avoided this question. I have } zotted almost everyone who asked me that question. I simply don't know } the answer. } } And sometimes, when I am in a suicidal mood, I start asking myself that } question. But, wiser than wise as I am, I always realise that it would } be an enormous waste to zot myself. } } Well, anyway, I think you already know that question, not the answer of } course, because _nobody_ (having a body) knows the answer to this } ultimate question: } } "How much wood would a woodchucker chuck, if a..." } } You see, I can't finish the question, it's just, well...ehm... rather } painful. } } Please excuse my accent and the inavoidable errors. I just incarnated } as a Dutchman, his language-module is not quite perfect. But the cheese } is wonderful! } } The one and only Oracle } } You owe me, the Oracle, the question that belongs to the answer: } "43 penguins in a Hilton-hotel with mushrooms, shouting 'Kill the } judge!', wearing bright red bikinis."