From oracle-request Tue Dec 13 09:56:06 1994 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA22809; Tue, 13 Dec 1994 09:56:06 -0500 Date: Tue, 13 Dec 1994 09:56:06 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #699 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: #uz~Ma5G?lX"lQv,9/$d0hEy7pk]l$U^|3Otd8>?b"!\/AE_F0Lm!['3"[}DQFw9 qxsx)mp$|3:}1pa:lK6H"H8TH+;E(w1r09e:3vpnx4zyC.v?+v%088"=)bs-,Q[: c2NWk',v>VQ^Hhf_zG5Okg;[vkGO%8`7T*XW0SepJNfCbVa",Dmvk-C/K|-uX*!e uK1Yc!-``R-$q(;"a@3 sgw_x[EK!Z)HJ~yxbd+mg{krWs0NA!1h/aXR X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 699 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #699 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Tue, 13 Dec 1994 09:56:06 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 699 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 694 87 votes mrq93 8ptj6 eeoih 3hnpj jsmd5 4irmg 9gtif 2gssd f8qrb 9bmol 694 3.1 mean 2.4 2.9 3.1 3.5 2.5 3.3 3.2 3.4 3.1 3.4 --- 699-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How many more undiscovered bugs are in the Intel Pentium processor? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } There are are still several as yet undiscovered, or at least } unrevealed: } } 1.) The internal calendar bug: Unknown to Intel, when the year 2000 } comes up February becomes a 30 day month. This isn't too much of a } problem for the average home user, but companies using the computer } to plan orders, billing, and delivery of goods will find them selves } in a world of hurt. } } 2.) The Pentium Pentagram Bug: A small defect, really, and an } accidental off-shoot of the calculating errors already known. } Several little-known satanic cults will vanish over the next year, } because they will no longer be able to type and distribute any of } their rituals. Whenever the number six hundred sixty-six is written } out in numerical form in a word-processing application, the Pentium } rounding error will cause the number to be rendered as 665, thus } destroying any evil accompanying the thought. With the evil spirits } dispelled from their midst, the cultists will wander aimlessly off } to become rutabaga farmers. } } 3.) The CD Music Box Bug: On extremely rare occasions, if you are } using the Music Box program to play a CD while you are competing } with the computer in back-gammon the Pentium can become confused } and start playing the music back-wards as well. Sales of backmasked } music will increase dramatically when word of Intel's problem reaches } the music world. Advertisers will pay to be backmasked onto already } existing songs in order to boost sales. In fact, Nike is already } planning their campaign to go on Aerosmith's "Walk this Way" and a } cradle manufacturer in Sussex has been reported to be considering } Queen's "We Will Rock You"... } } 4.) The Intel Intel-igence bug: Not really an unplanned bug, but } a bug more in the sense of wire-tapping or intelligence gathering. } A "feature" included to detect users trying to ridicule their product. } Whenever such activity is detected, the user's computer is locked } into an infinite loo... locked into an infinite loo... locked into } an infinite loo... locked into an infinite loo... --- 699-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is one and one two? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because two comes after one, and in the new scheme of things every } number when added to itself produces the next number in the series. } ( 2 + 2 == 3, and so forth ). } } The reason I have decreed this new numbering scheme is that it makes } arithmetic remarkably difficult, and will greatly boost the sales of } pocket calculators. } } I realize that you have no difficulty calculating in your head that } ( 2 + 1 == 2 1/2 == 2.1 ), but when I ask you to determine the } square root of 3 -- aha! } } Remember that the use of the old-style numbers, even as an } intermediate stage in your calculations, is severely forbidden by } Oracular Law (H.O. 532, section 3.14159, 3.1 December, year 2.1 of } the Oracular Era ). } } Calculators can be obtained from your local Priest for a small sum. } Better be quick, there will be quite a crowd queuing up for them } when the deadline for conversion approaches. } } You owe the Oracle a bigger piece of the pi. --- 699-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (William T. Petrosky) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is Betsy Zliman at Saint Louis University a Vergin or not? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Zounds! Zuch a zad ztory... of a zilly zo-and-zo azking perzonal } queztionz what ain't hiz biznizz anywayz. Zay your prayerz, zlimeball! } 3... 2... 1... } } ZZZZZZ ZZZZ ZZZZZZ ZZ } ZZ ZZ ZZ ZZ ZZ } ZZ ZZ ZZ ZZ ZZ } ZZ ZZ ZZ ZZ } ZZZZZZ ZZZZ ZZ ZZ } } You owe the Oracle (incarnated az Zdenko Zliman, Becky'z father) an } apology and a lifetime zupply of Zima (lightly chilled). --- 699-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alan M. Gallatin" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, who is good friends with Norma Loquendi and Gloria > Mundis, > > Last week I moved into a nice new apartment. Oh, how nice! > I had a shiny new refrigerator in which to keep my collection of > snowballs from last winter, a flowerbox in the window with > blooming pansies, a hook on the wall to keep my car keys, and > a hallway along which my puppy could run and chase a ball. > > This morning, as I was walking to the train station to go to work, > several big trucks were pulling up, and I heard one of the neighbors > remark "There goes the neighborhood." > > I thought nothing of it at the time. > > This evening when I came home from work, I discovered I was > homeless. In fact, the whole block I lived on was gone! > It seems I moved into a towaway zone.... > > O Oracle, this is why I must ask you, > where are my snows of yesteryear? > and where have all my flowers gone? > and where are my car keys? > and where, oh where, has my little dog gone? > > -- > swright@otherside.ice And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Steven Spielberg has them at Amblin Studios. He needs them for } his latest movie. } } Steve is working on the sequel for _Jurassic Park_. Despite the } success of the first one, it seems that the idyllic Isla Nublar wasn't } familiar enough to audiences, so JP][(tm) will take place, in part, in } a suburban neighborhood. This is why he needed your neighborhood, as } he destroyed the last such available neighborhood in _Poltergeist_. } } The plot of the movie is reminiscent of the enormously successful } Godzilla movies, except it will be done on a scale never before seen, } and the reptiles will instead be attacking the U.S. instead of Tokyo. } (Inside sources at Universal say this is at the firm request of } Universal's parent company, Matsushita. Something to do with "it's } about $(JAPANESE_EXPLETIVE)ing time...") } } Here are some highlights from the story outline, which I lifted } from the Amblin computers (Steve may be a magnificent filmmaker, but he } doesn't know jack about computer security). The script is still a work } in progress, and as such is provided devoid of any and all warranties } against failure, merchantability, or fitness for a particular use. } } -------- } } JURASSIC PARK II: THE UPGRADE } } INTERIOR DAY. OPULENT MANSION LIBRARY. DR. HAMMOND IS GOING OVER SOME } DESIGNS BY PONS AND FLEISCHMANN. } } "Doctor Hammond, there are reports of dinosaurs arriving on the } shores of Florida." } "Impossible. None of the dinosaurs I engineered were capable of } swimming." } "It seems that the genetic merging with amphibians has allowed } them to get around that limitation." } "Dammit, why does nature keep interfering with my designs? Do } the authorities know?" } "Well, not exactly. INS seem to think they're Cuban refugees in } ridiculous disguises, and discover slightly too late that they're } wrong." } "Good, then there's still time. Quick, send my grandchildren } down to DisneyWorld." } "Won't that put them in danger?" } "Of course not. I designed the dinosaurs to be mortally repelled } by anyone with a similar DNA pattern to mine, so any member of my family } is safe from them. I've thought of everything." } } EXTERIOR DAY. FLORIDA SWAMPS. TWO MEN IN A ROWBOAT. } } "Did you hear that, Clem?" } "Hear what, Jed?" } "That noise." } "Swamp's full of noises, Jed. C'mon, let's get back 'fore it } gets dark." } } PULLS STARTER CORD ON OUTBOARD MOTOR. MOTOR JAMS. } } "The hell? I just fixed this this morning." } } CLEM REACHES UNDERWATER TO UNJAM PROPELLER. } } "Careful, Clem, you might get your hand bit." } "C'mon, Jed, what could possibly happen?" } } SHARK^H^H^H^H^HDINOSAUR BITES DOWN ON JED'S HAND. JED IS PULLED } IN WATER. } } "AAAAGGGHHHHH!!! JED! AAAGgrgl....." } } JED IS PULLED BELOW THE WATER. SILENCE. A FEW BUBBLES RISE TO } THE SURFACE. SILENCE. SUDDENLY, AN OBJECT EXPLODES FROM THE } WATER. A BLOODIED HUMAN SKELETON WEARING A SKOAL CAP LANDS IN } THE BOAT. JED SCREAMS. } } LONG SHOT OF BOAT IN WATER. BOAT IS SUDDENLY SWALLOWED WHOLE BY } SHAR^H^H^H^HDINOSAUR. } } INTERIOR DAY. SCHOOL CLASSROOM. BIOLOGY CLASS. SHOW-AND-TELL. } } "And what did you bring to show us, Billy?" } "I found this really weird egg the other day." } "My, that is interesting. Jenny, what did you bring?" } } BILLY TAKES EGG TO BACK OF ROOM, PLACES IN INCUBATOR. SETS ON } HIGH. } } "My God, Jenny! A skull?" } "Yep, with a Skoal cap on it, just like my daddy wears. By the } way, my mom says if any of you see him, tell him to come home. } } THERE IS A LOUD CRASH FROM THE BACK OF THE ROOM. BILLY SCREAMS } IN AGONY. } } "MY GOD! WHAT'S THAT ON HIS FACE?" } "I'd swear it was an embryo female diloposaurus merged with } amphibian genetic material." } "SHUT UP, WESLEY, AND GET THE PRINCIPAL!!" } } EXTERIOR DAY. REMOTE ROAD. RED CAR SPEEDS DOWN ROAD, STEAM ISSUING } FORTH FROM THE OVERHEATING RADIATOR. DENNIS WEAVER DRIVING. IN CLOSE } PURSUIT IS A LARGE BLACK 18-WHEELER, DRIVEN BY A VELOCIRAPTOR. [Damn, } those things are smart.] } } EXTERIOR DAY. SAILING SHIP PERMANENTLY MOORED TO DOCK. THE CAPTAIN } HOLDS A SWORD, SEARCHING INTENTLY FOR AN UNSEEN OPPONENT. } } "Smee, where is that Pan?" } "I could have sworn he went up the rigging, sir." } } A MAN EMERGES ON TO THE BOOM OF THE MAIN SAIL. } } "Or so it appeared. Little did Smee know that I was just a } holographic projection. Oh no, my Duracells just went dead. } BEEEYOooop! Don't you just hate when that happens?" } "And now, right heeere on our shoe, a very rare guest indeed, give him } a warm welcome, Mr. Hook!" } "What?" } } A VELOCIRAPTOR EMERGES FROM THE CARGO HOLD. } } "The crock!" } } THE VELOCIRAPTOR DEVOURS THE CAPTAIN. } } "If something's eating you, take time out; don't take it out on } your kids..." } } EXTERIOR DAY. DISNEYWORLD. HAMMOND'S GRANDCHILDREN ARE ON THE } AUTOPIA, ATTEMPTING TO OUTRUN A TRICERATOPS. } } "Can't you make this thing go any faster?" } "Sorry, but this car runs on Windows-NT. I don't know *that*." } "We're dead..." } } INTERIOR DAY. LABORATORY. DR. HAMMOND IS WORKING INTENTLY. } } "Igor! I've done it!" } "What, Newton recognized your handwriting?" } "No! I've discovered what's gone wrong all this time. I now } know exactly why my designs keep falling apart." } "The Pentium bug?" } "That's part of it. But more important, I know how to fix it. } And it's so simple. All we have to do is..." } } *CRASH* A T-REX BURSTS INTO THE LAB. HAMMOND IS CLOSEST, AND IS } DEVOURED WHOLE. A BUNSEN BURNER OVERTURNS, IGNITING HAMMOND'S } NOTES. A BULK ERASER IS KNOCKED ACROSS THE ROOM, LANDING ON THE } STACK OF BACKUP TAPES. MEETINGMAKER RECEIVES A NEW MEETING } PROPOSAL, AND THE MAC CRASHES, DESTROYING ALL WORK. } } EXTERIOR DAY. NEVADA DESERT. LONG SHOT OF COLLECTION OF DINOSAURS ALL } IN ONE LARGE GROUP. PAN DOWN TO REVEAL CONCRETE BUNKER. } } "Four. Three. Two. One." } } NUCLEAR EXPLOSION. ALL DINOSAURS ARE OBLITERATED. A NEW ENGLAND } BEACHED WHALE DISPOSAL TEAM TAKES NOTES. } } "Phew! Glad that's over." } "Yeah. Lucky thing someone was reading Hammond's Web page on } dinosaur pheremones before his lab got wrecked." } "Yup. Threw a few hundred gallons of it in the desert, and we } couldn't keep 'em away." } "So. Lunch?" } } EXTERIOR DAY. BEACH ON THE ATLANTIC SEABOARD. CAMERA LOWERS AND DOES } SLOW CLOSEUP PAN ON FLOTSAM. CAMERA COMES TO STOP. HOLD FOR A MOMENT } AS A CRACKED BARBASOL CAN WASHES UP INTO THE FRAME. } } -------- } } So there you have it. I won't spoil the surprise involving your } dog, your car, the keys, and the velociraptor. } } You owe the Oracle a front row reat. --- 699-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: RICH MCGEE The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why did Intel call the Pentium, Pentium? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Pentium, Pentagram... Well, I thought it was obvious, but then again, } I'm omniscient. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of the Satanic Verses. --- 699-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Since your wisdom is only surpassed by my wit, I need you to tell me... > > If I had a chicken, a moose, and a fox, and I had to lead a horse to > water, could I teach an old dog to catch a pig in a poke? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This is a very old logic problem. You can't leave the chicken alone } with the fox because the fox will eat the chicken. You can't leave } the chicken alone with the moose because the chicken will squawk } and frighten the moose. You can't leave the moose alone with the pig } because the moose will step on the pig. You can't leave the pig alone } with the horse because the pig will gross the horse out with bad } Lithuanian jokes. You can't leave the horse alone with the water } because the horse will drink the water. You can't leave the dog alone } with the fox and the poke because the dog will poke the fox. } } First row across with the fox and the moose. Tell the moose the fox } is a chihuahua with AIDS. Tell the fox the moose is a St. Bernard } on steroids. The two will eye each other suspiciously the whole time } you are gone. } } Row back and tie the boat on the horse's back. Send the horse across } the river, first telling it that it's auditioning for a role in } Kevin Costner's next Western. When the horse is 2/3 the way across, } get the dog's attention, point to the horse's rear, and shout } "Sic 'em!" } } Now grab the chicken and the pig and stuff them in the poke along with } a pound of rice and a quart of boiling water. Begin wading across the } river. By the time you get to the other side you will have a } delicious Cantonese entree. } } Oh, dear. It seems that in the meantime a group of PETA activists } have freed all the other animals, and are furiously denouncing your } non-vegan dinner. Empty the pig-and-chicken from the poke and } replace them with the PETA activists. Insert several heavy stones, } tie, and throw into the deepest part of the current. } } Now sell your story to Oprah. } } You owe the Oracle a treatise on non-commutative functions. --- 699-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Disser The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > HOW can I send a posting to a news group using email? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Boy o boy. What is happening with young people these days? (Everyone } is young compared to the mighty Oracle.) No grovelling, no sacrifice, } no offering of a pewter startrek chess set. } } And then I have to endure these no-brainer questions. Listen up, this } isn't the } "I'm-a-silly-newbie-tee-hee-and-I-need-help-with-my-computer-hee-hee" } channel. The only good thing I can say is that at least it doesn't } have to do with those damned woodchucks...(BTW, Lisa made an } _excellent_ woodchuck shake for me last night. It was a little hairy } but it went down O.K. Yummy!) } } So now I'm face with a bratty, snotty, whiny, indignatious worm of } a supplicant before me with a below-my-intelligence question. So what } am I supposed to do? I wonder if I _have_ to answer this question?? } } (The mighty Oracle rumages around his cubicle and finds his contract.) } } Let's see...the party of the first party of the cousin of the second } party, but only if the cousins are in West Virginia....yadda yadda } yadda... no vacations....no holidays....no pay...work for the rest of } my life...Boy, I must have really been drunk to sign up to this } contract.... } } (The Oracle continues to swear as he reads the contract.) } } Ah...here it is...let me condense it... } } The Oracle must answer any question posed, in any manner as the Oracle } sees fit but must not answer the question with a question. Questions } not posed as questions can get queued, queried and quoted but not } questioned. The quixotic requester of such a queriless question can be } subject to a quartet of quarlsome woodchucks of questionable lineage. } Questions of a quarter-brained nature (aka, half-assed) must be } answered but quickly and quietly so as to quash any quell of quizzical } questions of such a quarter-brained quadrature. } } (The Oracle puts down the contract and prays so as to not black out } from reading all those q's.) } } Hmmm...It seems Steve has been taking Sally Struthers' courses in home- } lawyering. I'm going to have to talk with Steve about his contract } writing skills. } } All right, due to a legally binding contract, I must answer. However, } the contract is open to interpretation. All it says is that I must } answer your question in any manner I see fit. Well, here it comes... } } } } You owe the Oracle a quilly willy penguin, quick-set in quicksand, with } a dash of quicksilver and a kiwi on top. --- 699-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Disser The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Planc's constant And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Seven. Ed Planc, one of history's lesser known theorists was the first } to develp a specific mathematical value for use in calculating days } of the week. (No one else had done this because it was incredibly } obvious, but sometimes the really important discoveries are of } obvious things...) After publishing his article on the derivation of } his constant (Calandar Analysis: A Theory of the Number of Days in a } Week), Planc was bombarded with criticism from other theorists of } his time. (Mainly asking if he didn't have anything better to do and } how he could possibly have submitted such a stupid paper.) } Unfortunately, most people agreed with this evaluation of his work. } Planc eventually went insane trying to develop a constant to describe } the number of days in a month. (Ever wonder how we got that "count } your knuckles" thing? From a crazy man.) } } Don't confuse Planc with Planck, the German physicist who formulated } the quantum theory. Planck also developed a constant term, h, which } had something to do with calculating energy emitted with any given } level of radiation. Planck's theories met with marginally better } acceptance than Planc's. } } You owe the Oracle some Energizers for my ZOT gun...that dam bunny } took off with them again. (They keep going, and going, and } going.....) --- 699-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh ardent Oracle, hear thy humble supplicant in this plea. My youngest > son asked me the other day, "Mom...why *did* the chicken cross the > road ?". > > I didn't have the heart to feed him some neo-philosophy about "getting > to the other side...", so I wondered if you could furnish him with a > more intellectually satisfying answer. I don't wish to indoctrinate > him to a world full of stereotypes either, so would you please make > the answer non-(sexist/ageist/racist/religious/political/ethical/ > moral/philosophical/stoical/hypocritical/sanctimonious/diminutive) and > above all, inconsiderable. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because his dick was stuck in the other chicken. --- 699-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Greg Wohletz The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What are vampires? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Press Release: } } The Society of Nocturnal Blood Connoisseurs has deemed "vampire" } to be a derogatory term and finds its use when referring to group } members to be unacceptable. According to Vlad, president of SNBC, } the term "vampire" now brings to mind such disgusting and evil } things as lawyers and politicians which causes the senseless } persecution of society members. From now on, blood-drinkers of } all types are to be referred to as the "hemoglobically-addicted", } the "photonically-challenged", or the "Christeophobic".