From oracle-request Wed Feb 15 16:38:02 1995 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA28916; Wed, 15 Feb 1995 16:38:02 -0500 Date: Wed, 15 Feb 1995 16:38:02 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #711 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: #uz~Ma5G?lX"lQv,9/$d0hEy7pk]l$U^|3Otd8>?b"!\/AE_F0Lm!['3"[}DQFw9 qxsx)mp$|3:}1pa:lK6H"H8TH+;E(w1r09e:3vpnx4zyC.v?+v%088"=)bs-,Q[: c2NWk',v>VQ^Hhf_zG5Okg;[vkGO%8`7T*XW0SepJNfCbVa",Dmvk-C/K|-uX*!e uK1Yc!-``R-$q(;"a@3 sgw_x[EK!Z)HJ~yxbd+mg{krWs0NA!1h/aXR X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 711 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #711 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Wed, 15 Feb 1995 16:38:02 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 711 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 706 81 votes 8like dgqi8 1axji 5kjod 9hola 7jloa 3omlb bfpic cppf4 hjgib 706 3.1 mean 3.1 2.9 3.5 3.2 3.1 3.1 3.2 3.1 2.7 2.8 --- 711-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Wise Oracle, > whose majesty reigns glorious, > whose orb transcends all, > > please tell me: > > Is it only in England where people can have whole conversations along > the lines of how to drive from A to B ? > > e.g. "You don't want to go that way. You want to take the A318 to the > ringroad, just past the Elsbury turnoff, and then it's best to turn > down the B3407 to Sandhurst, except on Tuesdays, of course, when it's > market day in Little Botherington, and then ..." > > Hmm! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, of course not. We have those conversations here in the States, } too, but they tend to be a bit more terse. While the Brits can ramble } on endlessly about the history of a particular stretch of roadway, our } directions are concise and to the point: } } Driver: Excuse me, Sir, could you tell .. } Man: You have ten seconds to get off my land, buddy, or I will } exercise my Constitutional right to kill you. } Driver: } Man: Not fast enough! } Gun: Blam! } } Urban drivers have similar problems. In England, the drivers have to } stop every fifteen minutes to get their bearings after driving on the } wrong side of the road for so long. This invariably leads to droning } discussions of the road matrix. In the U.S., of course, we don't } belabor the point. } } Same Driver: Excuse me, Sir? When you finish urinating on the } sidwalk, could I have a word? } Different Man: Got five bucks? } Driver: Uh.. sure. Here you are. Can you tell me how to get to } Indiana? It's rather urgent. This woodchuck question has } been bothering me for weeks. } Man: You jus' go down t' the MiniMart and as' t' see the map. } Driver: Oh. Of course. How do I get to the MiniMart? } Man: Got five bucks? } } } } Driver: Good evening. I was hoping that... } Clerk: Jesus H. Christ! Most people that come through here downgrade } their title to "Pedestrian" before they enter the store! } Driver: Sorry. I had to use my braking and exhaust system to pay the } gentlemen who gave me directions at 23rd and Tyler. Anyway, } could I use your map? } Clerk: Did you buy gas? } Driver: Um, no. I don't really need.. } Clerk: I can't give you directions unless you buy gas. Or a Slurpee. } } As you see, humble supplicant, England does not hold a monopoly on } friendly and educational conversation. Unfortunately. } } You owe the Oracle a back path to quartz.rutgers.edu. --- 711-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Omniscient Oracle, please tell me, your humble supplicant; > > What is a mojo, and how can I tell if mine is workin'? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } So I'm at the HoJo down in SoHo eating a Hostess Ho-Ho with my cocoa } when some hobo askes me, the Oracle, for my ol' O-know on his mojo. So } although I'm thinking "Oh, no!" and telling the mofo bozo to go or I'll } stow my toe in his downbelow, I know that that would be a low blow. So } when the dumb Joe Shmoe looks like he'll give me only slow-mo until I } tell him what I know, I say "Look, you'd know if your mojo was ready to } go, but if you don't know, then no, your mojo is a no-go or at best } only so-so." } } Yo, you owe the big O a yo-yo. --- 711-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Bill McMillan" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, most worldly-wise > Pleasing to my dazzled eyes > It seems that now I have been cursed > To supplicate in half-assed verse > > I've summarized my trying trouble > So help me now--on the double! > Oh sorry now, did I offend? > This curse just shown an ugly trend. > > Oracle! Perform your art! > Prove you can do more than fart! > (I told you once, I told you twice > This rhyming curse just isn't nice.) > > If you can help me speak in prose, > I'll eat the jam between your toes. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Obviously you're in a mess. } (I doubled over in stiches, } Doing WHAT with those witches?) } But I'll help you with my best, } It should go well, without hitches. } For further help, you may need pictures. } } All good cures start off by travelling west. } So set off into the setting sun, } And here we strike problem one. } To reach the sun, a rocket's best, } But to pay for it, ahh there's the fun! } See what the Administration has undone! } } So perhaps we'll go for the next option. } } Eye of newt, toe of frog, wing of bat...forget all that! } Hunting animals is pathetically weak to overcome the way you speak. } Hmm let me see, what have we here? Do I look as if I care? } Oh I know there's a job to do, but asking me, well I ask you... } } ...You may have answered your own question. } Look amongst your lines of verse. } Hidden within is your solution } Your tounge will help you to reherse, } Having toejam in your digestion. } I know this seems quite perverse, } But I the Oracle have your solution! } } Just put your foot into you mouth } And lick it all around. } Now do the same for your spouse } Don't complain, not a sound! } } Now you feet fill up your face, } Distasteful it is to speak, } In words that tumble in a race, } And send us off to sleep! } } This may all sound quite outreageous, } And in places, almost dangerous, } But have faith and be courgeous } I just hope it isn't contagous! } } The Oracle now has great fears, } You owe a book of Pam Ayers! --- 711-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: engel@San-Jose.ate.slb.com (Mike Engelhardt) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > ...oh mighty Oracle > > Why is it, whenever I have an exam, the less I revise, the better I do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Sounds like you're suffering from a classic case of brain fatigue. } } You see, by the time you finish a test, your brain is fatigued. When } you go back and revise your answers, your brain stumbles just like a } marathon runner in the last leg of a race and you screw up your } perfectly reasonable answers with poor corrections. } } You need to do some brain exercises. Let's do some together. (The } Oracle, being a pro at brain aerobics, will hold back so not to } outpace you.) } } First, let's do some cranial stretching. Think all the way to } infinity. Now think all the way to negative infinity. Now back to } positive infinity. Now back to negative infinity. Now back to } positive infinity. Now back to negative infinity. Now back to } positive infinity. Keep it up! Now back to negative infinity. Now } back to positive infinity. Now back to negative infinity. Now back } to positive infinity. Feel the burn! Now back to negative infinity. } Now back to positive infinity. Now back to negative infinity. Now } back to positive infinity. OK, that's enough stretching. } } Now let's do some hemisphere presses. First, construct a poem from } the viewpoint of a gnarled old oak tree. Now, derive a generalized } function for the volume of a pyramid with a n-gon base. Now, compare } and contrast Homer's _Iliad_ with _2001: A Space Odyssey_. Now, } compute the pH of 50ml of solution that required 120ml of 5M NaOH to } neutralize. Fingerpaint. Do some logic puzzles. Write a novella. } Program a computer. } } Whew! We're really working up a sweat here! (I use "we" in the } clinical sense; I'm not even warmed up.) Time to cool down. Plop } yourself in front of the tube. Start watching "Masterpiece Theatre" } and work yourself down to "Married with Children." } } Feeling better? Thought so! Now, go out and ace those classes! } } You owe the Oracle a copy of "Jane Fonda's Calculus for Beginners." --- 711-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu (Rich McGee) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > great and all knowing oracle i have herd of people on email getting > put on this dating list several times. exactly what is it and how can > a person obtain one? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear Supplicant, } } These dating lists are not what you may have been led to believe. } Oh, sure, they claim to help match people to their perfect partners } for lots of mad, passionate sex, but in reality they're just a scam. } Shown below in the left column is an ACTUAL solicitation for an email } dating list I saw a few months ago; in the right column is my oracular } interpretation of what it actually means. } } === The Ad === === What it really means === } } THE INTERNET CONNECTION Innocuous title, at least it } doesn't contain the odious words } "Infor*****n Sup*******ay" } } There is now a service for Internet } that can bring together compatible compatible = any 2 primates } people, } } matching others to your particular sight-impaired geeks never } way of viewing the world. get dates, even with this service. } } Once our extensive questionnaire See above definition of } is completed, compatibility scores compatibility. You aren't even } of 80% or higher will be matched. guaranteed a primate! } } Each member of the Internet } Connection is guaranteed at least } one electronic mail adress per Yes, you'll get an "adress", not } month, or there will be no charge an address. } for that period. } } When a match has been made, each } member will receive a copy of a } portion of the other's } questionnaire, of which no Non-personal information is your } personal information will be shoe size and golf handicap. } given out. } } The members can then contact each } other with a foreknowledge of Typical commonality: both are } what they share in common. geeks } } If you're interested in becoming } a member of the Internet We've changed the email address } Connection, please respond to this to protect the innocent, but this } post or write an e-mail to message did come from a site } name@host.dom with any questions well-known for being the source } you may have. of spam and spewage. } } There is a non-refundable, Just one new sucker a month and } processing fee of $20 to begin he covers the cost of his account. } your membership, followed by a The rest is profit, since the } monthly charge of $5. Visual Basic program that does } the matching was free. } } Please keep in mind that the What sort of compatibility can } members you will be matched with this guy promise if he can't even } may not be in your state. If match the two letters in your } this is a problem for you, state's abbreviation? } please reconsider joining. } } The Internet Connection accepts Tried to be PC, but forgot about } members of all race, sex and religion, veteran status, and } preference. physical/mental/social disability. } } Since this service is just } beginning, we will waive the } initiation fee for the first } 100 members. Once we've receive You'd be number 101 -- what a } 100 applicants, we will begin coincidence! } sending out questionnaires. } } We'll introduce you; you can Laughable, considering the message } take it from there. was posted to *.singles and } *.personals groups everywhere! } } Look, supplicant, rather than bother with shysters like this, select } a person of the sex you're interested in and ask him/her/it on a date. } Have you ever been on a date? Oh, you haven't. Well, try it. And move } out of your parents' basement. --- 711-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Greg Wohletz The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > oh mighty and fine oracle please give advice unto me with your ever so > pure wisdom..................... > > why cant I just be happy with the way things are. i always get > so stressed out over things that I have no control over--- help me > before I go insane..................................................... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } fate (n) - the principle or determining cause or will by which things } in general are believed to come to be as they are or events } happen as they do : syn. destiny } } Blleeaaaccccyhhhh! Once again Merriam-Webster is no help at all. Let } me see if I can clear things up for you a bit. } } fate (n) - 1. the force that causes you to run out of gas just as you } are pulling up to a filling station 2. the force that } causes you to bump into your beautiful ex-SO just as the } both of you are just ending relationships unamicably and are } missing each other 3. the force that causes you to zone out } on the way home, miss your exit on the highway, making you } take a way you usually don't; and, in the process, detouring } you around the five-car collision that would have tied you } up for over an hour 4. the force that blows out two tires } on your professor's car the day the mid-term you didn't have } time to study for was supposed to be 5. the force that } causes someone to mail an anonymous check to a charitable } organization that no longer exists whose address was one } letter off from yours but illegible on the envelope 6. the } force that causes a major gust of wind to alter the path of } the stray bullet that ordinarily would have hit you square } in the back of the skull but instead whizzes harmlessly past } your ear 7. the force that causes you to trip and fall just } as a silent maniac stalker is about to swing for your head } with an axe 8. the force that causes the sadistic } cartoon-loving criminal to buy the brand-name rope instead } of the cheap rope, so that when he cuts a strand, it takes } five seconds longer to break than was planned for, and } instead of getting beaned you walk casually under, oblivious } : syn. dumb luck } } Moral - don't worry about control. I'd say we're in pretty good hands. } } You owe the Oracle a new frikkin' dictionary. --- 711-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise and Powerful Oracle, please spare a meager morsel of wisdom for > this your humble supplicant: > > Why does my brain hurt? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } That's an interesting question, and reminds me of a funny story... } } It was almost lunchtime, and the little boy said to his mother, "Mommy, } my stomach hurts..." } } "That's because there's nothing in it," said the mother. } } "Oh." And so they ate dinner... } } Later on, the pastor of the local church came over, and mentioned that } he had a terrible headache. } } Said the little boy, "That's because there's nothing in it." } } Soooooo, when you ask why your brain hurts... } } You owe the Oracle the Star Trek ep. "Spock's Brain". --- 711-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I am Pentium of Borg. You will be approximated. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Approximation is as approximation does! The } enema always attacks from the rear. --- 711-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do kids pee the bed? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because it drowns the monsters underneath. } You owe the Oracle a rubber sheet. --- 711-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Will our move to Amsterdam from Canada in August be a success? Will my > position with SupportNet prove fruitful? > > Oh wise Oracle, please, ease this mental uncertainty... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Thank you for writing to the Oracular Friends Network. Your query will } be billed directly and discreetly to your home Access Provider account } at $3.99 per kb of the response message. } } Your message has been queued. There are 255 questions ahead of yours. } } While you are waiting, check out these testimonials from other } satisfied supplicants. } } "I was beside myself with worry. I tried clapping with one hand until } I developed Carpal Tunnel Syndrome, but I never heard a doggone thing. } Then a friend recommended the Oracle. He had to type my message, } because my arm was numb and twitching. I got my answer in no time, and } I'm back to a normal life with only a 40% loss of mobility. It's } funny, in all that arm-swinging I never heard anything that sounded } like *zot*, but the Oracle knows best, I guess..." } } Your message has been queued. There are 113 questions ahead of yours. } } You may never get to meet the Oracle in person, but that shouldn't stop } you from getting a souvenir! Send email to drhodes@canter.siegel.com } for our catalog, and choose from a wide selection of t-shirts, coffee } mugs, and wall hangings. With every order over $20.00 ($60.00 } Canadian) you'll receive a wallet-sized "The Oracle Done Told Me" } Supplicant card. } } ***NEW*** Oracle Milk Bottle Caps! ***NEW*** } } Your message has been queued. There are 23 questions ahead of yours. } } Muddled by mysteries? Puzzled by paradoxes? Ask the Oracle! This } supplicant did: } } "All I did was ask if there were any safe but effective poisons that } would help with this woodchuck problem I'm having. I never got a } direct answer, but the next day in the mail I got a check for $50,000!" } } Your patience has been rewarded! The Oracle has heard your question! } } Your question was: } } >> Will our move to Amsterdam from Canada in August be a success? } >> Will my position with SupportNet prove fruitful? } } The answer to your question has been forwarded to the municipal airport } in Barcelona, Spain, where it will be placed in your luggage at a later } date.