From oracle-request Mon Mar 27 16:22:22 1995 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA05073; Mon, 27 Mar 1995 16:22:22 -0500 Date: Mon, 27 Mar 1995 16:22:22 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #719 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: '0b2xC}Fg0Z6}wg?(CMkyOY?Mjh@$OR;gORd)phLm"X%ygJV(M7'!~+DSZy?Ck3! FR%|G!qEbv>t/RbK(Z9%Lj/u.GsW4z8m\c'F3(D0przTCuHs5~F#p{J7iy[MAqFy dq9A~o%*m"]A@9*BlHpfC$6n15zn{NECTul!=kFoZ)%!9Ytr%xS,%\XHT`<`|JB\ GEc6!ERG`4!+)^2?\7d{xuQMym*Jap,CMSC]3X#u_,u3oNaAU+aQFe[FoCJ>>Q(a U+EG0Blu$:fWEj+usu@bv1>d?3ZJR?/"_yl0 X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 719 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #719 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Mon, 27 Mar 1995 16:22:22 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 719 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 714 93 votes ahpw9 bhtt7 8ivnd jpjka cqzg4 inrdc agzq6 jzqb2 rEh81 kAr82 714 2.7 mean 3.1 3.0 3.2 2.8 2.7 2.8 3.0 2.4 2.1 2.3 --- 719-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Disser The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, > > I used to be your most devoted supplicant. Day and night, I > feverishly composed countless kilobytes of cleverly-worded queries > for your consideration. My mail queue was all yours, my name stood > high on Kinzler's List, and nary an Oracularities Digest went by > without a contribution from me. > > By the force of sheer will power, I have conquered my addiction, and > for the past month I have refrained from sending you any questions > at all. I have broken the chains, and am no longer bound by your > power. Free, yes, free at last! > > How's by you? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ungrateful supplicant, } } You've lost that soothing grovel, } Oh oh, that soothing grovel, } You've lost that soothing grovel, } So its: } } ZOT! } ZOT! } ZOT! } } Ohhhh, oh, oh. } } You owe The Oracle a Serpent's Tooth --- 719-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (William T. Petrosky) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Maxwell Smart's Shoe-phone Number And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oracle: This is confidential information, isn't it Chief? } Chief: Yes ... so. } Oracle: Bylaw 12:4h states that we must take anti-surveillance measures } if we are discussing confidential information. } Chief: Why do we have to follow Bylaw 12:4h? } Oracle: Because Bylaw 17:1p says "Always follow Bylaw 12:4h." } Chief: We don't have any anti-surveillance measures. } Oracle: I demand the Cone of Silence. } Chief: Lower the Cone! (The cone lowers over their heads) Max, Kaos has } stolen the ... } Oracle: I can't hear you, Chief. } Chief: KAOS HAS STOLEN THE } Oracle: I STILL CAN'T HEAR YOU. SPEAK UP. } Chief: I SAID - KAOS HAS STOLEN THE ... } Oracle: NO USE! } Chief: Raise the cone. } Oracle: (As the cone raises) Then I insist we use measure 5. } Chief: Not measure 5. } Oracle: The rule book says ... } Chief: Okay ... measure 5. } (The Chief goes to the wall and removes a painting of him and his dog } Gopher. Behind it is a large wall safe. He opens the safe, and the two } of them crawl in. Chief closes the door behind them.) } Chief: Max, Kaos has stolen the first three parts of the Pondlegrant } formula. If they get the final part, they will be able to build the } Pondlegrant K73 fighter. } Oracle: Oh no! Not the Pondlegrant K73. If they get the Pondlegrant K73 } we're in big trouble, Chief. Why, they could take over the world if } they had the Pondlegrant K73. Only one question - what's the } Pondlegrant K73? Chief: It's a fighter that can be smuggled into the } country in the pocket of one of Herve Villachez's sports jackets. It's } a scientific breakthrough, undetectable to all forms of radar and } surveillance. } Oracle: Of course, the old Pondlegrant K73 fighter in the Herve } Villachez sports jacket trick. } Chief: We're sending you to Cairo to stop them from infiltrating the } meeting in which the final part of the formula is being discussed. We } need your Shoe Phone number to contact you if anything fails. } Oracle: I can't give it to you. } Chief: What do you mean you can't give it to me. } Oracle: My shoe was stolen. } Chief: Stolen? } Oracle: Two hundred and fifty biker clansmen attacked me in my } apartment. I fought off thirty of them, but they got my shoe. } Chief: (Indreculous) Two hundred and fifty? } Oracle: Would you believe ... 125 angry hippies? } Chief: No. } Oracle: How about a homeless bum with a tire iron? } Chief: Do you have the shoe or not? } Oracle: No. I lost it. } Chief: You made me go through all these surveillance measures so that } you could tell me that you don't have the shoe? } Oracle: Sorry 'bout that Chief. } } You owe the Oracle a weekend at Blue Mist Mountain. --- 719-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (William T. Petrosky) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Militia And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle studied question and realized you didn't want the current } answer to militia because that is easily found in any dictionary. } } However, the origin of the original word is quite esoteric, and your } Oracle had to consult many ancient texts not available to the general } public in order to research your question thoroughly and thus give you } the most accurate answer possible. } } Militia: This is the name of an ancient recipe from the ancient land of } Atlantis. The recipe (which follows) eventually spread to Rome and } Athens where its name gradually evolved into the word delicious } (because of differences in Greek and Roman pronounciation) and where } its ingredients also underwent great change because of the war-like } nature of people not from Atlantis. } } Recipe for Half-Baked Militia... } } With your sharpest sword, peel one dozen scalps from the nearest corps } of enemies. Chop fine with a short dagger and saute two cups at a time } in olive oil until translucent. When finished, mix the entire amount } with two quarts (sharkops) of tomato sauce seasoned with basil and } garlic. Layer the mixture onto sheets of lasagna. Place in a pit fire } until half-baked. } } Remove from friendly fire and sprinkle generously and heavily with } fresh gunpowder to a depth of 38mm. To serve sequal portions to all, } return half-baked militia to the fire and order guests to cover their } ears. } } Serves 300 or more. } } You owe the Oracle one free pass to the Mess Hall. --- 719-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Ohh wise and exalted Oracle, I a humble supplicant, ask you in your > all-knowing ways to answer a question that is not worthy of your > magnificence. > > If we can put a man on the moon, why can't we make a deodorant last > past noon? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } We, as Supreme Authority in the field of predictions, foretellings, and } good bets on the stock market, have regretfully to inform you that } putting a man on the moon (several, actually: alas, I had to watch } their childlike skipping from the deck of my otherwise peaceful summer } residence in hyperspace) and making deodorants with effective } half-lives of 87 minutes were both part of the same marketing strategy. } } The responsible multiplanetary, SpamCanCorp Ltd (of which I am an } honorary director and whose per diems keep me in long lunches at } the Restaurant at the End of the Universe) carried out this highly } successful plan quite a while back -- when Ban was a word for both } one of the few mortal products sold to sanitize a hygienically } confortable but socially insecure populace, and for the proposed } end of a highly lucrative arms race. } } Our VP for strategic planning (now retired on the very satisfactory } bonus earned from a similar scheme involving cheap handguns, burglar } alarms and movies about serial killers) had the simple but effective } idea of co-marketing two products against which North American humans } had few defences: the desire to climb to the top of the highest visible } peak and do really silly tricks, and the desire to stand at the centre } of attention and make everybody love you. } } Of course once a human does either of these things successfully once, } what do you do for an encore, and how much are you willing to pay for } the same thrill all over again? We decided the cost-benefit of } underwriting another first-man-on-the-next-planet expedition was } unattractive; and besides, timeshares on Mars were an up-and-coming } market our Board didn't want to break out too early. } } Our creative team had the unoriginal but effective idea that the next } best market enhancement was to just, sort of, shorten the life of the } product somewhat. After you get everyone hooked on that nice gentle } scent and clean feeling at 9 AM, you just engineer it to tail off at } 11:35 AM, just before that date with the truly interesting guy/girl you } met at your last aerobics class. } } You have no idea how this generates sales -- how many bottles of the } stuff get left behind in office washrooms or lost at the back of desk } drawers. You have even less idea how rich that VP got on replacement } purchases, even before the thing with the handguns. } } Shame, you say. Immoral. A waste. But our former VP drives a } Galaxy-Class Porsche and holidays in another dimension with much better } weather. } } Being an immortal and all, with an image to protect, I personally go } for more ethical development schemes. I could interest you in a project } to preserve the heritage features of threatened Black Holes, if you } had a few extra quadrillions to put up and were willing to wait a while } for return on investment. } } In any case, you don't get insider information for free. You owe the } Oracle a new deck umbrella and a round of well aged green cheese. --- 719-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O great Oracle I beg of you to help me with my difficulty. I have been > perusing the ancient text of Homer, 'The Odyssey', and two questions of > beneficial importance have befallen upon me. > Firstly, o great one, please tell me what the crucial qualities of > Odysseus' character are. > Secondly, o heinous wonder, to what extent does Homer seem to approve > of the aforementioned qualities? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Odysseus is widely agreed to be the prototypical male. His adventures } spanning, oh, a whole wack of years, demonstrate the one fundamental } male trait. This trait can be summed up as "Whenever you're lost, } DON'T ask for directions." Wander for years, consult that AAA map (the } one that's been folded and unfolded so many times that it has become an } origami animal with a life of its own) at least once every hour, stare } determinedly ahead at the endless road as if sheer willpower alone will } make the exit for St. Louis magically appear, heck, let a few of your } friends get turned into pigs if you have to, but the LAST thing you } should ever do is stop on the nearest island and say, "Hey, Dmitri, } which is the quickest way out of the Aegean anyway?" } } As for Homer's opinion of these qualities, I think he prefers beer and } donuts myself. But it can't hurt to ask. He's probably over at Moe's } having a brew. } } You owe the Oracle directions back to Indiana University. But don't } tell anyone I asked. --- 719-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: m-atkinson@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O glorious and most greatly high Oracle > > Almighty high dude and gnarly wave shredder > > Please enlighten your humble supplicant > > I wish to come up with an impressive name for my friend's new yacht, a > name that nobody has used on a yacht before in this country. > > What name would The Almighty Oracle suggest for this wonderous yacht? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Obviously, to choose a name that has never been used before, we must } examine the naming schemes that have been used in the past. The Oracle } is an avid boater, and in fact, contrary to popular belief, He was the } first person to circumnavigate the globe in a primitive watercraft. } This was in the First Olympian Regatta, which the Oracle would have won } if he hadn't been disqualified for *ZOT*ting the competition. } } The most common naming scheme for boats seems to involve the name of a } woman. Usually one that you are infatuated with at the time you buy } the boat, and who winds up spending all your money, drinking herself } into oblivion, and constantly complaining that "you spend too much time } on that damned boat." So, the world's harbors are filled with boats } named things like "Gloria's Hope", "The Anna Lynn", or "The Love Boat", } and boat captains who sulk a lot and who would love to take a can of } spraypaint to the backs of their boats if only they didn't have seven } years of payments left. } } So, women's names are right out. The next most popular theme is to use } a name that conjures images of adventure: "North Wind", "Next } Horizon", "The Love Boat". Names like this make the captains feel like } the dashing heroes of old who would find new lands and vanquish } pirates, when instead they tend to spend most of their time talking to } their therapists about Gloria and Anna Lynn. } } So, the best thing to do is avoid these topics and pick a name that is } as totally unlike those mentioned above as possible. The added benefit } is that by not naming your boat after a woman or an adventurous ideal, } you will save yourself thousands of dollars in paint and therapy. } } The Oracle suggests the name "Bob's Boat". } } You owe the Oracle a wedding picture of Anna Lynn and your therapist. --- 719-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Although I work for an oracle, sometimes it's the wrong one. > > I am lost! I want to mail to several people that are locked up in the > X400 worl d. How do I do this? For instance, consider the following > adress: > > G=FN S=LName PRMD=OLYMPICS96 ADMD=ATTMAIL C=US > > How on earth do I go about reaching this very dear friend of mine on > mail from norway? > > My own mail connection is through a gateway on the company's WAN, but > all this does, is chucking the messages out on the internet. I have > heard there are gateways out there, but I do not know how to access > them. If you know the answer, please help me with syntax and adresses > to mail her, and also instructions for her on how to mail me back. > > As a return favor, I can help with information on how to mail between > internet and IBM's IBMMAIL network in the closed world of AS400's and > larger blue beasts. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You say you work for an oracle and that the WAN just chucks } e-mail out on the Internet? The first thing you need to do } is ask your oracle, "How much e-mail to my girl friend can } your e-mail chucker chuck, if your e-mail chucker could } chuck e-mail?" This will ensure that the system has } sufficient e-mail capacity for your needs. } } You could also post a message to several hundred Usenet user } groups about your problem (say, every one with "mail" or } "computer" in its title. You will be sure to get many } interesting responses. } } Or, JUST SEND HER A #()&^&* LETTER ASKING FOR HER INTERNET } E-MAIL ADDRESS! If she's got one, your e-mail chucker } should chuck it right to her, for chrissake! Or give her a } phone call and ask!! } } You owe the Oracle a grovel (a good one), and 12 suggestions } on how I can get supplicants to think for themselves. --- 719-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu (Rich McGee) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Can anyone tell me how to acess bulliten boards? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Certainly. I'm absolutely sure *somebody* can tell you. } Oh, you want *me* to tell you? Well, why didn't you say } so in the first place? Take a seat, and do try to be a } little more precise in future. } } There are a couple of different kinds of bulletin board. } They have in common a cork surface, to which notices can } be attached with thumbtacks or push-pins. Thumbtacks are } the time-honored tradition, but the newer push-pins are } easier to remove, and are thus better suited for items } that you expect to take down after a short time. } } Some bulletin boards are publicly accessible - all you } have to do is walk up to them, hold your notice up to the } board, and impale it with one or more tacks. The number } of tacks required depends on the physical size of your } notice: a full sheet of paper requires at least two } tacks, and preferably four (one in each corner). Any } note less than 1/6 of a sheet can be posted with just a } single tack in the middle of the top edge. } } There are other bulletin boards which are kept locked, } with a glass cover over them. The notices on these } "read-only" boards can be observed by anyone, but in } order to post notices, you need building manager access } privileges. This is most often gained by use of a small } device called a "key," with a special access password } encoded on it as a sequence of bumps and dents. The } usual method of getting the key is by making friends } with the building manager, and then simply asking her. } There are other techniques, well known to bulletin } board "crackers," but I'm not going to go into those. } } As a final note, I must mention that it is possible to } write notices directly on the cork surface of a bulletin } board with a pen. However, this is considered to be } very bad form, and I strongly discourage you from doing } it. } } You owe the Oracle a bunch of 3"x4" slips of paper. --- 719-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh No > > that wasn't a magnetically shielded multimedia speaker then And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Voiceover [off camera]: "That's right, Mr. Bill! It was a case of TNT!" } } [Cut to close-up of Mr. Bill's head] } } Mr. Bill: "Oh, nooooooooo!" } } Oracle: *ZOT!* } } [Mr. Bill vaporizes in a flash of exploding Play-Doh] --- 719-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: m-atkinson@nwu.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Your question lacks substance.