From oracle-request Thu Apr 6 08:27:56 1995 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA10214; Thu, 6 Apr 1995 08:27:56 -0500 Date: Thu, 6 Apr 1995 08:27:56 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #721 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: '0b2xC}Fg0Z6}wg?(CMkyOY?Mjh@$OR;gORd)phLm"X%ygJV(M7'!~+DSZy?Ck3! FR%|G!qEbv>t/RbK(Z9%Lj/u.GsW4z8m\c'F3(D0przTCuHs5~F#p{J7iy[MAqFy dq9A~o%*m"]A@9*BlHpfC$6n15zn{NECTul!=kFoZ)%!9Ytr%xS,%\XHT`<`|JB\ GEc6!ERG`4!+)^2?\7d{xuQMym*Jap,CMSC]3X#u_,u3oNaAU+aQFe[FoCJ>>Q(a U+EG0Blu$:fWEj+usu@bv1>d?3ZJR?/"_yl0 X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 721 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #721 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Thu, 6 Apr 1995 08:27:56 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 721 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 716 88 votes 6wyd3 5wtf7 9pql7 balug 4jru7 gitdc arpj7 ihsi7 4hrsc euni3 716 2.9 mean 2.7 2.9 2.9 3.3 3.2 2.9 2.8 2.8 3.3 2.6 --- 721-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How is it that police officers can pop in at the least expected times > while driving fast. IE on a very long straight road where you can see > for miles.?? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Police officers are issued several licenses after graduation from } Authority Academy. One better-known license is for firearms. But very } few mortals outside of the sphere of the police themselves are aware of } the standard-issue Dramatic License. This allows officers to } conveniently ignore or modify the laws of physics if doing so would } advance your personal story line. So, given a moment in which it would } be most poignant or ironic for a summons to be issued, a cop will } invoke the old DL, and *ZOT*! There they are. } } You owe the Oracle license and registration. --- 721-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > So I guess I'm going to get blamed again, huh? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, it is all your fault, isn't it? After all, you were responsible } for the sinking of "One Australia" in the America's cup yacht race, you } were asleep on the job at Chernobyl. You left your iceberg in the way } when the Titanic sunk, you put your black t-shirt in with your mum's } white sheets in the wash. You were in the audience of the pilot for } 90210 and voted yes, it should go into production. Remember, if all } else fails, blame the new guy who doesn't speak the national language. } } Thank you for not burdening the Oracle with all your mistakes, but you } still owe the Oracle a new pair of socks. --- 721-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, when a musical group releases a greatest hits > compilation album, and then later releases an album with > completely new songs on it, does that mean that the new > songs aren't great? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } We spoke with Fred Schmertzwerth, the lead screecher for the } up-and-coming Seattle rock group Dumping Ground, for the lowdown on } that question. } } O: [ding] Mr. Schmertzwerth, it's me, the Usenet Oracle. } } S: Orrie! I'll be right down. } } We walked into his living room, a pleasant, homely (if spartan) } accomodation smelling pleasantly of marijuana and sauteed shoes. } } O: Thank you so much for your time, Fred. } } S: Glad to help, Orrie. } } O: As the viewers at home know, you've just released your greatest hits } album, Taking A Dump. And of course, next month is Dumping } Ground's next record, Sailing the Seas of Tofu. What we want to } know is, does that mean such classics as Federal Bong and My } Girlfriend's Cat is the Antichrist are no longer great, what with } the impending release of more potential classics? } } S: Well, Orrie, that's long been a subject of debate among the music } community. My personal take on the subject is that any song } written after an attempt to smoke your own height on the bong is } great. Even greater if you actually do it. } } At this point Fred began to demonstrate. He did in fact have a bong as } tall as him, and managed to suck down about four feet of smoke before } dropping to the floor in a coughing fit. He then sat up and wrote the } following song: } } Weird Fudge, by Fred Schmertzwerth } } As if my pasta chef cared } Not like I ever dared } The pizza is purple } The chicken parm is fresh } I like to sing like Adam Sandler } And jam on the theremin with John Tesh } } refrain } So kill my spaghetti demon } And fry my linguini lord } and hit the lights with the baccala } and bonk me with a gourd } } sukiyakiyukiyakiyukiyakiyukiyaki } } And tomorrow's just a black hole } On the ravioli of today } And the spiedini in the bowl } All have something to say } But my linguini lord has lost it } And so have I, I'm a manta ray! } } refrain } } And they say every song needs a bridge } So this is it } We don't usually put one in because it's tough } We'd rather pig out on italian food } } (At this point, a musical bit that can only be described as a couch } solo) } } And I don't wanna rhyme } And I don't have to make sense } Because I'm from Seattle } And I don't have to } } Refrain until deafness } } And I have to admit, after a couple of hits, it really started to make } sense. } } So in general, the whole question of...wait a minute, what was it } again? } } Oh, frig it, gimme a Twinkie. } } You owe the Oracle a logic board. I fried mine. --- 721-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: cierhart@oeonline.com (Otis Viles) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hey Rocky, watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } But that trick never works. } } And now, here's something I know I'll really like: } } <> } } (No doubt about it, I gotta get another batch of supplicants.) --- 721-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@icabod.ih.att.com (Scott Forbes) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mostly (OK, totally) mighty Oracle, > > How many licks does it take to get to the center of a soda pop? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hey, an original question! I don't know the answer! } } So let us experiment. } } } } Hi, gimme six Cokes. Thanks. Do you take Olympian Express? No? Okay, } I won't force it on you. } } } } Hmm... Well, I suppose the procedure is clear. Start counting! } } Lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick . } Lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick . } Lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick . } Lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick . } Lick lick lick lick lick lick . } Lick lick lick mmgg. I gotta get a glafthfht of watebtb. } How mady wafthf How many was that already? } } WHAT?! I told you to keep count! Damn. Well, we'll have to try a } fresh one, this one's ruined now. } Ahhhh. Now, keep careful count! } } Lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick . } Lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick . } Lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick . } } How many is that? } } 33? Hmm. The soda pop doesn't seem much affected yet. I'll carry } on. Ready to count? } } Lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick . } Lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick . } Lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick . } Lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick . } Lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick . } Lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick . } Lick lick lick lick lick lick lick . } Lick lick lick lick . } Lick lick . } } How many is that? } } Um.. This may take a while. Count. } } Lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick . } Lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick lick . } } [57 minutes and 7081 licks later:] } } lick lick lick Bleah. } } I don't think this is going to yield a result. } Will you take a lower constraint for an answer? } } Oh, have mercy! } } Fine. Fine! Count!! } } Lick lick lick . } Lick lick lick . } Lick lick lick . } Lick lick lick . } } [... and so it goes, until ...] } } Lick . Hey! I'm tasting something! I'm tasting } something! Lick lick lick lick I'm through! I can } stick my tongue through the hole! I CAN REACH THE CENTER! } } That's it! } } Phew! I must have ingested 20,000% of the Olympus RDA of aluminium. } See, my tongue is reflecting the sunlight! } Hee hee... How many licks was that, then? } } You sure? You really counted every one? 117651... Wow. } } Well, now we know! --- 721-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > tell me the meaning of life o great oracle And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } That's an intriguing question, o seeker of knowledge! Interestingly } enough, there isn't just one meaning of life.... it's different } for everyone! Depends on who you are and what you are destined to } accomplish in life! } For example, a young man asked me that question a few days ago. } Knowing that he is going to solve the mystery of cold fusion twelve } years from now, I told him the meaning of life is: PHYSICS! He went } happily on his way, another satisfied customer. Not too long ago, } a tall guy who was questioning some career choices he made recently } asked me about the meaning of life. I told him, "Michael, my man, } it definitely ain't baseball!" and he's much happier now. } Of course, all of this doesn't answer *your* question! For you, o } pilgrim, the meaning of life is "Spam." --- 721-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh magnificent Oracle who is, no, who can, no...hmmm let me start over. > > Orrie, you and me have been Instead of the normal grovelling, O, let me > tell you a little story. And I swear, I am not making any of this up... > > I left my previous employer almost three years ago. You know, the one > who provided me with mail and news. Arriving with my current employer, > I discovered that I had no news, no mail, and alas, no Oracle. As a > frequent grovelling supplicant and incarnation, I suffered severe > Oracular withdrawal. Oh sure, I had printed some digests, but even your > wisdom can get stale as the paper yellows. > > So I knew I had to act. It was difficult, painful, and time-consuming, > but you already know how motivating withdrawal can be, right? First, I > had to convince my new employer to get us online. To do this I first > had to get rid of the old sysadmin and install my own hand-picked > replacement. This took a year, during which I developed severe eye > ticks and wore the edges off the printed digests. > > Having done that, we then had to convince the finance people that they > could make money by buying something. This was not easy, but > eventually we prevailed. Another six months. My psychaitrist prescribed > dexedrine to keep me awake and valium to help me sleep and the printed > digests fell apart at the folds. > > So we buy the hardware, select a provider, dump the provider, select > another provider. Six more months. I'm on Prozac now, and the digests > have crumbled into dust. > > I get assigned to another project, with a different network and a > different operating system. My handpicked sysadmin quits and his > replacement doesn't have time to install a newsreader. I find a free > news site that I can reach via two telnet hops, and nearly a babbling > idiot, for the first time in almost THREE YEARS, I read the words as > they pour life-giving energy into my depleted body: **ZOT**. > > So, that's it for the grovelling. Sincere grovelling. And now my > question: Did you miss me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } **ZOT** Missed } **ZOT** Missed } ***ZOT ZOT ZOT ZOT ZOT ZOT**** } } Got him. Don't miss you anymore. } } You owe the Oracle a flame broiled bacon burger. --- 721-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Greg Wohletz The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Most magnificent woodchuck of them all! > > My adoration for you is without bounds, uncomprehensibly large! I > grovel in front you, almighty! The species of woodchuck is the most > nobel one in the universe, and You, Oh Greatest One, are the absolute > best of the best, on heights more unreachable than the most far of > quasars! Please consider my humble question, if I am not unworthy... > > What should I do to get ZOTted? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Arrgh.. I can't believe my eyes.. You DARE call ME by that name, that } species, that furry spawn from hell.. well, I COULD just *ZOT* the } hell out of you, but I'd rather tell you what you REALLY are.. A } spineless woodchuck worshipping sphincter-brained turd eater! Hah! } What do you have to say to THAT? } } >incoming message from axon@senate.gov } } Uh oh.. Now I've really done it.. } } >This message has been sent to inform you that the e-mail message you } >are currently composing has been found to violate the Net Decency Code } >in several ways, notably uses of the words "hell", "sphincter", and } >"turd". Further use of such obscene terms will result in federal } >prosecution with a possible fine of up to $100,000 if convicted. } } Wait a minute. I'm an omnipotent being! I'm not subject to U.S. } federal laws! } } >You are conducting business in U.S. territory, therefore our laws } >apply to you. Be happy. Be productive. Pay your taxes. That is } >all. } } Sheesh... Something has to be done about this.. } } zot exon@senate.gov } } Hmm.. It looks as though I've answered your question. All you have to } do is be elected to public office, and be directly responsible for the } Imminent Death of the Net(tm). } } You owe your signature on the petition against S. 314. --- 721-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu (Rich McGee) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, > > Pleased to meet you, won't you guess my name? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Axl, why'd you bother doing such a cheesy cover of that song? You } should have known you couldn't top the original. And you send me the } question with no groveling at all! I'd *zot* the hell out of you, but } all that would accomplish is that you would be martyred like another } singer I could name.. (Hint: The line "forever in debt to your } priceless advice.." Guess who he was asking for help. Everything was } going fine too, til he asked me that damned w**dchuck question..) } } Anyway, give my best to Slash, and get yer ass back in the studio. } } You owe the Oracle a _decent_ followup to _Appetite for Destruction_ } and a concert where you take the stage on time. --- 721-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@icabod.ih.att.com (Scott Forbes) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Internal Revenue Service > Washington, D.C. > April 4, 1995 > > Attention Mr. "Oracle" -- > > This is to inform you that you are about to be audited. The > Internal Revenue Service (henceforth referred to as "The Spanish > Inquisition", or "the I.R.S.") has a number of concerns regarding > your past returns. A few representative examples: > > -- For the tax year 1993, you declared gross income of $6,125.25, and > deductions of $12.4 million, thus resulting in a net taxable income > of zero. However, a survey of your publication "The Usenet > Oracularities", indicates that you requested payments in kind > equivalent to a cash value of $137 million, in the published responses > alone. This is, to say the least, a serious discrepancy. > > -- In addition, no royalties for said publication (the "Oracularities") > have ever been declared. As well, no payroll taxes were paid for your > employees (the "Priests"); you indicated that they are entirely, as you > put it, "involuntary volunteers", compensated solely in Spam(TM). No > large purchases of Spam have ever been registered in your name; > however, there has been a suspiciously high rate of disappearance of > house pets all over the state of Indiana in the past few years. > > -- Six months ago, Mr. Jack Snodgrass, an IRS investigator, was > dispatched to secure an in-depth interview with you and scrutinize > your accounting practices. He has not been seen since, although > possible traces of his DNA were located in a suspicious pile of ash > discovered later. Mr. Snodgrass' family is considering legal action, > involving possible punitive damages. > > In the light of these distressing events, we have determined that it > would be best for all concerned for a full audit, with the usual R&T > (Rack and Thumbscrews) procedures, to be held as soon as possible. > Expect an IRS team of commando accountants and legal paratroupers to > arrive on Thursday at 2:00 PM. > > Yours Truly, > Alvin DeSade, > Auditor in Chief And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Alvin DeSade } Auditor-in-Chief } Internal Parasite Service } Washington, D.C. } } Dear Mr. DeSade, } } From the tone of your letter, it appears that you are unaware of } a recent change in the tax laws. As part of the GOP's "Contract with } Valhalla" (lesser known than its cousin, but so much more important), } Oracular Entities have been granted tax preferences of which you } mortals can only dream. } } Indeed, I recently wrote off all the expenses of this temple } here. Business deduction, doncha know. My priestly servants? } Writeoff. SPAM(tm) costs? Writeoff. And with the distribution costs } of the Oracularities -- I write off the total cost of the Internet } every year. } } Punitive damages? Hah! Just try and get me in Court. The } federal courts lost jurisdiction over all Olympians on January 2. } } In return for these benefits, we provided little services to the } present leadership of the House and Senate. For example, Loki here } clouded the minds of most of the State of California (and you wondered } how Prop 187 passed!). Aphrodite there made Bob Dole appear lovable. } Yes, you're too late, DeSade. Too late indeed. } } Love, } } Orrie