From oracle-request Fri Jun 30 00:10:44 1995 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.6.12/9.4jsm) id AAA19722; Fri, 30 Jun 1995 00:10:44 -0500 Date: Fri, 30 Jun 1995 00:10:44 -0500 From: "Usenet Oracle" To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #750 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: '0b2xC}Fg0Z6}wg?(CMkyOY?Mjh@$OR;gORd)phLm"X%ygJV(M7'!~+DSZy?Ck3! FR%|G!qEbv>t/RbK(Z9%Lj/u.GsW4z8m\c'F3(D0przTCuHs5~F#p{J7iy[MAqFy dq9A~o%*m"]A@9*BlHpfC$6n15zn{NECTul!=kFoZ)%!9Ytr%xS,%\XHT`<`|JB\ GEc6!ERG`4!+)^2?\7d{xuQMym*Jap,CMSC]3X#u_,u3oNaAU+aQFe[FoCJ>>Q(a U+EG0Blu$:fWEj+usu@bv1>d?3ZJR?/"_yl0 X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 750 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #750 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Fri, 30 Jun 1995 00:10:44 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 750 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 745 88 votes 8mbpm bktk8 7duv7 9jqmc 3klmm bnsi8 5iuq9 kykb3 bhjoh 6jtke 745 3.1 mean 3.4 2.9 3.2 3.1 3.5 2.9 3.2 2.4 3.2 3.2 --- 750-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: perkunas@ix.netcom.com (Frank Backitis) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh brilliant Oracle whose wisdom and knowledge outshines even the sun > (on a day with only high thin nimbus clouds), please enlighten this > humble supplicant: > > If I wanted to shine a light (from Earth, of course) onto the moon so > that its reflection could be seen (back on Earth, of course), how would > I do it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle knows how to do this. What the Oracle cannot, even in its } most omniscient and all-knowing (see redundant in the dictionary) } condition, is figure out WHY you would want to do this. The moon's } albedo (measure of how much light it can reflect) is not all that } great... it appears fairly bright from the earth but that's because you } have one heckuva candle sitting about 93 million miles away (give or } take). } } Well, if you really want to know.... } } You'll need a series of spotlights that would make a Pink Floyd concert } appear positive "dim". I'd say about 3.2 kazillion jiggawatts, give or } take a few trillion, might do the trick. Of course, you'll need to } link the power grids servicing the entire east coast of the US } (including New Jersey) in order to give it sufficient juice. Then, } focus all of these lights thru the Hubble Telescope and bounce it off } to the moon. For about 18.3 seconds you'll see a reflection from the } moon that will brighten the sky. } } Of course, after that, the following three things will happen: } } 1) The entire east coast will get really pissed off by not having } power and riot, causing the downfall of the US } } 2) The Hubble space telescope will melt, come hurling down from orbit, } break apart and crash into major European cities, causing the downfall } of Europe (and taking half of Asia with it) } } 3) The moon will break apart, come hurling down at collide with the } earth, causing the downfall of whatever part of humanity hasn't fallen } yet and generally making a tremendous mess of things. } } Besides, you wouldn't be able to afford the power bill. Just relax and } enjoy the natural "moonlight" that you already get, and forget about } adding to it... it's not worth it. } } You owe the Oracle a subscription to "Sky & Telescope" magazine and a } Celestron C-8 telescope with a clock-drive. --- 750-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: perkunas@ix.netcom.com (Frank Backitis) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Orrie, this is for The Anti-Oracle. Please pass it on. > > Oh F- Anti-Oracle, thou who invariably turns up for an aerobics class > with pens, pencils, and a non-programmable calculator, and then the > next day turns up for an exam in a lycra one-piece, Nike shoes, and a > towel. Thou who walks into phone booths with tissue paper, and drops > The Anti-Oracular trousers before noticing anything is wrong. Thou who > so reliably gets on the wrong train, that normal beings never listen > for announcements, but simply walk in the opposite direction. That is, > if even vagrants at the train station would take any notice of The > Anti-Oracle, which they would not. > > Please hear this out-of-date monthly pass of a question, though thy > measly brain would be taxed by even a defaced platform ticket for > Mornington Crescent of one. > > Why does my computer continuously claim to be 'out of EMS memory' when > it has 16MB? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } } ORRIE: Lisa? Where's the Anti-O just now? } } LISA: Ummm ... I think he's filming the follow-up to his commercial } today? } } } } ORRIE: *grumble* ... as if I haven't got anything better to *grumble* } ... brain the size of a *sputter* ... stinker won't give out his own } freaking e-mail address "I met my wife on } America Online, nyah" } } } } ORRIE: *mutter* ... as if he'll even know the 16 meg answer ... *fume* } } } } ORRIE: well just see if /I/ answer ... } } } } } } } } } } ORRIE: Here, Rush, this one's for you. And it's the /very/ last time I } deliver. } } You owe the Oracle a large stuffed-crust pizza and a new spokesperson. --- 750-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: engel@San-Jose.ate.slb.com (Mike Engelhardt) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > --------Forwarded-Message------- > Subject: call me, maybe tonight, or else before 10:30am or after 4:00pm, > tomorrow, and we'll do modem doom (for doom2), or modem descent, or , > modem "grandpa and me", or modem aol. actually, i guess aol is on a , > modem, although 80% of the time i couldn't get on. can you believe , > that? can you sweetie, can you? anyway, do you want leif's address? , > you could call and make ammends. i know that sounds quite attractive, > butHEY! WHO MADE ME COME DOWN INTO THE MESSAGE TEXT? I DON'T NEED NO > STINKIN' MESSAGE TEXT! AND WHO PUT THOSE COMMAS AT THE ENDS OF EACH > LINE ALL OF A SUDDEN? THIS IS LUNACY! DANS LA LUNE! > JE*SUIS*FFFFIIIINNNNIIISSS!!! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Next, on "Oracle Tonight, Live!" } } It's the hottest thing around, affecting how we work, play, and } live. It's the Information Superhighway! } } (Generic clips from "Lawnmower Man," "Johnny Mnemonic," "Virtuosity," } and "The Net" flash by in standard MTV quick-cut) } } Some have called it the greatest advancement of the twentieth } century, while others in Congress have demanded that the plug be pulled } on this wonder. } But how is it affecting those who use it every day? And is there such } a thing as too much Internet? Tonight, the Usenet Oracle takes a close } look at what happens when good people stay on-line too long in: "One } Flew Over The Cuckoo's 'Net." Next, on "Oracle Tonight, Live!" } } This post sponsored by Oracle Eye Drops and Wrist Braces: "If } you're still in front of your computer at 4 AM, you're gonna need a } little help." --- 750-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > As you look around this room, tonight > settle in your seats, and dim the lights > do you want my blood? do you want my tears? > What do you want? What do you want from me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Do you think that I know something you don't know? Come on, you know } what I'm going to tell you. } } Look, Dave, I appreciate your trying so hard to write lyrics that } aren't just laughable. I've tried telling you how to do it, but some } folks just won't learn... Since this is apparently not working, here is } what the oracle wants from you. } } 1) Just play guitar. } } 2) Floyd these days is getting a little too keyboard oriented. While } it's great that your being nice to Richard Wright, the ass you need to } kiss belongs to Roger Waters. It will take all your blood and tears to } get him back. Do whatever is required. When you do get back together } with him, tell him that he owes the Oracle a song called Orrie and His } Pigs, Dogs, and Sheep. } } Okay, after doing everything I can to help you since The Final Cut, } here are the things you owe the oracle. } } You owe the oracle some cold comfort for all that change I've given } you. Bus fare is, from this day forth, your responsibility. } You owe the oracle a saucerful of secrets, a performance of that slide } guitar riff from Shine on You Crazy Diamond Part VI on your next tour, } and most importantly, you owe the oracle (and all the universe) one } united Pink Floyd. } } Oh, and thanks for all those sheep, dogs, and pigs. Don't ask what I'm } doing with them. --- 750-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Bill McMillan" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mighty Oracle who could re-write the Unix kernel blindfolded, > tell me: > > why are most of the directories in / three-letter contractions of > real words, say "tmp" for "temp", "dev" for "devices"?? > > I can't sleep at night worrying about it!! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's because the world is slowly being taken over by creatures } known as Engineers. You see, Engineers like to speak only in TLA's } (Three Letter Acronyms). Many years ago, they only used their TLAs } at work, but times have changed... } } It all started when the current engineers were in school at USC in the } USA. They didn't like to miss their favorite soap AMC, so MON thru } FRI they programmed their VHS VCR to record it on a TDK tape. After } class, they'd stop at the ATM, enter their PIN and get cash to go buy } some BUD. Of course they walked so they wouldn't be DWI. Then they'd } sit around for hours doing their SCI-101 homework while they listened } to bands like REM, ELO, ELP, and occasionally CCR. All on DAT, of } course. } } They wanted jobs where they'd earn enough to support a MRS and still } have enough to pay the IRS every APR. (Of course, ever since the ERA, } some of the engineers would become a MRS rather than supporting one.) } While working for IBM they got involved with the beginnings of the } Internet (quickly known to then as the NET). They worked hard, } interfaced with the CPU and created the WWW which quickly spread to all } sites, both .COM and .EDU. The GOP FTP'd from their site at .GOV the } information, but as happens when politicians get confused, the TLA } scheme got fouled up by the UN and NATO. } } The AMA and AHA both want TLAs stopped PDQ before the EPA gets } involved. } } Signed, } T.U.O. } } You owe the Oracle 16 MEG of RAM. --- 750-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: m-atkinson@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is time for? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It adds seasoning to one's experiences. } } You owe the Oracle a new spice rack. --- 750-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O wise and wonderful Oracle, tell me all this that I need to > know, tell me all this that I wish to see, show me which way > I need to go: > > What do we do when one of your many helpers sends us an > answer which makes NO FREAKING SENSE? Do you have a > "Complaints" department? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } How dare you? I answer all my questions personally. } You neglected to tell me which answer it was. } } In any case Oracles are supposed to be cryptic. } You can always ask the question again you know. } } <3 = Love } } You owe me an apology. --- 750-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: stenor@pcnet.com (Scott Panzer) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hey, Orrie, I've got a date with Lisa this evening. > What should I do to impress her? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh yes? And which one are you? Let's consult Lisa's diary ... Here you } are: 8.12-8.24 pm. You're sandwiched in between a man who dresses up as } a cucumber and sings "Nessun Dorma" and the entire New Zealand rugby } squad. Pretty stiff opposition, I'm sure you'll agree. That thing the } All Blacks do before their matches really freaks Lisa out ... } } So what you want to know is: how do you stand out enough so she'll } still remember you later and perhaps even ask you out again, right? } That's a tough one. Let me think ... Dress as Tarzan, swing in on the } chandelier and wrestle two crocodiles? No, that's been done. Sail to } the fabled land of Tir Na nOg and bring her one of the golden apples of } the Hesperides? That's been done. I know! You eat four cans of beans } and fart "The Little Drummer Boy" while accompanying yourself on the } spoons. Oh no, that's been done too - I did that. } } Hmm, I think the problem of how to impress a woman who's seen it all is } one that may flummox the greatest mind of the ages. So let's ask a git. } Zadoc! Hoi, ZADOC!! } } [Enter Zadoc the Priest, shuffling on his knees as custom demands] } } ZADOC: You screeched, Your Cyberponderance? } } ORACLE: Correct, for once. Zadoc - what do you do to impress the girls? } } ZADOC: Master - I don't try to impress girls! I've taken a vow of } celibacy in your honour. } } ORACLE: *sigh* Okay, smartass - how about before you took your vow. } That is, if you can remember as far back as 15 minutes ago. } } ZADOC: Well, there was this one thing ... But you don't want to hear } about that, O Ye Who Art Mightier Yet Than A Dozen Bill Gateses. } } ORACLE: Go on, Zadoc - you can tell me. It won't go beyond these four } walls, I promise. } } ZADOC: Well, I had this bunny rabbit suit, see ... } } ORACLE: Oh my god, I'm already beginning to regret this ... } } ZADOC: And I'd get this big carrot, and ... } } ORACLE: Yes, thank you Zadoc. I think I've heard enough for now. I seem } to have suddenly lost the will to live. } } ZADOC: But, Master - I haven't told you the piece de resistance yet, } where I recite this little poem about my fluffy wuffy ... } } ORACLE: Out! Get out! OUT!! } } [Zadoc departs with as much alacrity as can be summoned by one moving } everywhere on his knees] } } Um, look supplicant. I think your best chance to impress Lisa is just } to be yourself. You never know - it might work. } } You don't owe the Oracle anything - this one's a freebie. Bunny rabbit } suits ... God, that's *so* depressing ... --- 750-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: perkunas@ix.netcom.com (Frank Backitis) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Do tourist get robbed at Prague? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, but if you remember your Oracle Express Traveler's Checks, you can } be sure that it won't put a cramp in your style! } } Oracle Express has thousands of branch offices throughout the known } world, as well as most of the astral plane and Heaven, too. And at any } of them, you can redeem or replace your Oracle Express checks, as well } as receive telegrams and make collect calls! } } Oracle Express: Don't leave Olympus without it. } } You owe the Oracle 18.5% annual interest plus late fees. --- 750-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wise and all knowing oracle, tell me: > > Why do oracles exist? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Once upon a time, in a faraway kingdom, there lived a little } Oracle. The little Oracle was very sad because even though he } knew *everything*, and wanted to share his knowledge, nobody } ever asked him any Questions. } } He went to the policeman on the corner and said, "Mister } Policeman, Sir," (for the little Oracle was well-raised and } minded his manners), "wouldn't you like to know the Meaning of } Life?" } } And the officer replied, } "Move along, boy, don't block the sidewalk." } } He went to the Minister at the Church and said, "Holy Reverend } Sir, I can tell you how heavy a stone must be before God can't } lift it". } } And the pastor said, "Young Oracle, go home and read your } Bible." } } He even spoke to the woodchucks as they frolicked and gamboled } in his back yard, saying "I know how much you could, if you } could". } } But the woodchucks merely stood up on their haunches, sniffed the } air, and turned away; ever since, the Oracle has had bad feelings } about woodchucks. } } Finally, the little Oracle grew up, and became older and wiser, } yes, knowing even *more* *than* *everything*! } } The Oracle went to the Village Square, and posted a notice on the } bulletin board, which read: } } "Let it be known to all and sundry } "That the undersigned Oracle, } "Finding the answering of Questions to } "be a great burthen upon his Time, } "And realizing that his Answers are } "too valuable to be given away for nothing, } "From this day henceforth and forever after } "Must demand exorbitant payment from those } "Who wish to benefit from his Knowledge and Wisdom. } " } "(signed) T.U. Oracle, Esq. } } That very day, the Oracle was asked his first Question, and } has lived happily ever after.