From oracle-request Fri Feb 2 17:15:29 1996 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.7.1/IUCS.1.47) id RAA07866; Fri, 2 Feb 1996 17:15:29 -0500 (EST) Date: Fri, 2 Feb 1996 17:15:29 -0500 (EST) From: "Usenet Oracle" Message-Id: <199602022215.RAA07866@moose.cs.indiana.edu> X-Authentication-Warning: moose.cs.indiana.edu: daemon set sender to oracle-request using -f To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #813 Bcc: Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: '0b2xC}Fg0Z6}wg?(CMkyOY?Mjh@$OR;gORd)phLm"X%ygJV(M7'!~+DSZy?Ck3! FR%|G!qEbv>t/RbK(Z9%Lj/u.GsW4z8m\c'F3(D0przTCuHs5~F#p{J7iy[MAqFy dq9A~o%*m"]A@9*BlHpfC$6n15zn{NECTul!=kFoZ)%!9Ytr%xS,%\XHT`<`|JB\ GEc6!ERG`4!+)^2?\7d{xuQMym*Jap,CMSC]3X#u_,u3oNaAU+aQFe[FoCJ>>Q(a U+EG0Blu$:fWEj+usu@bv1>d?3ZJR?/"_yl0 X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 813 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #813 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Fri, 2 Feb 1996 17:15:29 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 813 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 808 100 votes 8qslh 5dylr 6rww3 auGh1 3qEjc 46pGn hcquf 5hurl asBh8 8gArd 808 3.2 mean 3.1 3.5 3.0 2.7 3.1 3.7 3.1 3.4 2.9 3.2 --- 813-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > why arnt their hot wimin on this use net work? are you tye sysop ot > the bbs or can i volintear and get some babes free logons or like that? > oh yah, i like the hot sex forims the use net bbs has! man, i cant > waite to convert the files to graphic raster output that i can print to > my screen! woo hoo!! do you have a file changer i can install on > this???!!!???!!! far out man!!! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Wrong newsgroup. Try alt.hot.women.wanted. That's where they all hang } out. They're so frustrated by the lack of attention shown them by men } in person that they flee to cyberspace and wait, biting their nails, } for you to announce yourself. That's when the flame war starts, and } all the women begin ripping each other to pieces, degrading one } another, and posting pictures of themselves that would embarrass Sharon } Stone. This continues until you, the available man, select two or } three to be your constant love trophies, and parade about in front of } the other men who thought they were so good-looking, but who now are } merely green with gut-wrenching envy, and take it out by beating each } other up. But for the love of God, let them down easy when you get } tired of them. There's nothing I hate to see more than a wasted, used } up Usenet babe. They come to me asking questions like, "Ever since Ed } moved on, all I find are overly muscled, perfect-skinned, wealthy } bachelors hanging all over me. Don't they understand that what I } really care about it what's inside? Will I ever meet another nerdy yet } nice guy like Ed on the 'net, or should I just give it up and become a } lonely, single lingerie model?" } } You owe the Oracle a date. Can you get me one, too? --- 813-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Uh huh, uh huh, uh huh! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Testify! Jump back! Kiss myself! } } You owe the Oracle the James Brown box set. --- 813-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, > What color are thine eyes? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Mine eyes aren't gray, they are not blue, } Nor any other different hue - } Not green nor black nor hazel brown } Not red post-party-in-the-town. } All-seeing Oracle am I } But metaphorical my eye } In fact, (perhaps a slight surprise) } The Usenet Oracle has no eyes! --- 813-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alan M. Gallatin" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me, oh wise and groovy Oracle, who knows all sorts of neat stuff, > > If you're the Oracle who knows all, is there also an Opticle who sees > all? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, in fact there's a whole tribe of us. No wonder Mt. Olympus feels } a little crowded at times.. } } The Oracle - Knows all there is in the world. } The Opticle - Sees all there is in the world } The Auricle - Hears all there is in the world. } The Follicle - Has all the hair in the world. } The Metrical - Owner of all centimetres, litres, and hectares in the } world } The Sphericle - Makes the world go 'round } The Imbecile - Keeps asking me about Woodchucks. } The Popsicle - A sweet fellow, but so cold-hearted.. } The Hypotheticle - What would you do if such a person existed? } The Rhetoricle - A Grandiloquent chap - prone to using fancy words } The Bicycle - Loves to travel } The Particle - Not a terribly big person. } The Barnacle - Nice guy, but so hard to get rid of... } The Politicle - Lies a lot, has a fondness for kissing babies } The Practicle - Always makes the best out of a bad situation } The Biblicle - Tends to knock on your door early Sunday morning } The Cuticle - Nice fingernails } The Manacle - Doesn't like to let you go } The Typicle - He's just the kind of guy you'd expect. } The Magicle - Has a fondness for rabbits. Keeps disappearing in puffs } of smoke. } The Article - Writes an awful lot. } The Ventricle - This fellow has a good heart. } The Criticle - Never thinks anyone can do anything right. } The Wrinkle - Really showing his age these days. } The Carbuncle - He's a pain to be with. } The Monocle - Has a one-eyed view on the world. } The Medicle - Always concerned for your health. } } You owe the Oracle net.access for all of the above - wouldn't it make } life just so much easier? --- 813-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Arrrg matey! > Couldst thou bestow upon me a few words of wisdom? > What helpless shore shall I pillage next? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } now, now, Mr. Turner. take off that pirate's hat and get rid of the } parrot. you'll own Nickelodion and HBO soon enough. } } you owe the oracle Jane Fonda walking the plank. --- 813-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, help me, help me, help me.... > > I have been afflicted by the most terrible disease known to mankind... > > COMEDY HAIR. > > Yes, it's gone apeshit this morning. Some diseases just spring > themselves on you without warning, and Comedy Hair is definitely one > of them. There are no precautions you can take. > > I got up this morning as normal, washed my hair as normal, combed > it as normal. Yet by the time I got to work (as normal) my hair was > sticking up in sixteen different directions, the parting was halfway > down the wrong side of my head and it had all gone curly at the back. > > Tell me, O mighty, omniscient Oracle, what can I do?? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Poor supplicant! Comedy hair is only part of your problem. I've } rewound your life for the past year (yes, that's what that was) and } have listed some things that have conspired to cause you grief: } } 1. Get rid of the convertible. } } 2. I know you enjoy your work, but you must stop break dancing } when you arrive each morning. } } 3. After you comb the wig, don't stuff it in your pocket! } } 4. You didn't realize it, but this past March you had the Medusa } Syndrome. The stone statues should have been a clue. } } 5. Stop stuffing bread in your mouth and sticking your fingers in } the toaster. That's not how to make toast. } } 6. In June you had lice. Big lice. Big hyperactive lice. } Fortunately, the finger-in-the-toaster routine did the trick. } } 7. I know you're combing it "as normal", but try using a comb. Your } hand and fingers may look like a comb, but trust me . . . } } 8. You have Hair 95 and it acts up periodically. Hold down your left } earlobe and right eyebrow at the same time and hit the DELETE key. } If that doesn't work, cycle power on yourself. } } 9. In August you caught a Buckwheat Germ. Try some Alfalfa } sprouts and wash your hands. } } 10. Get used to Marilyn's father - I know those bolts in his neck are } strange and the scar on his forehead is hideous, but if you keep } getting upset each time you pick her up, this is going to happen. } } 11. Stop going on TV and saying "I'm not just the president of Hair } Club for Supplicants . . ." You're jinxing yourself. } } 12. Each strand of hair is experiencing a slightly different time } dilation. Reroute the backup EPS conduit through the warp matrix. } If you time it just right, you'll slingshot all your follicles into } the same dimension! But be careful, just one femtosecond early or } late . . . well, let's not think about that. } } 13. Your head is in a maze of twisty little passages, all alike. Use } the wizard word! } } You owe the Oracle a giant tub of that hair cream . . . a little dab'l } do ya'! --- 813-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is ftp.cdrom.com always unreachable? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 530-Sorry, the current infinite limit of anonymous supplicants has been } reached. } 530-Please try again in a few aeons. } 530- } 530-User anonymous access denied } Enlightenment failed } } This time, you owe the Oracle nothing. --- 813-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Scott Panzer The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > tell me if it will stop raining again in spain And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } TO acertain the answer, we must go to Jane, who lives on the plain of } Spain and watches the rain. } } "Jane, with your weather vane, tell me about the rain; is it starting } to be a pain?" } } "Ah, Orrie, the reign of the rain here on the plain of Spain } is plainly becoming a pain. We work in vain to retrain the } rain and remain sane, but the rain refuses to wane; it's } plain that it is our eternal bane." } } "Oh. That's too bad. *pauses* Bummer." } } You owe the Oracle a new rhyming dictionary and a copy of "My Fair } Lady." --- 813-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@icabod.ih.att.com (Scott Forbes) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Greatest Oracle, I have a question for your fearful omniscience: > > I am in love with a woman, but do not know if she feels the same way > for me. Please tell me if this is an acceptable substitute for > picking daisy petals: > > #include > #include > #include > > void main() > { > randomize(); > if (rand()%2) > printf("She loves me!\n"); > else > printf("She loves me not.\n"); > } And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } not bad, but it can be optimized to: } } #include } #include } } void man() } { } printf("She loves me not.\n"); } } } } You owe the Oracle at least one daisy } with an odd number of petals. --- 813-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Scott Panzer The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Could warp speed ever be achieved? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dammit, supplicant! I'm a soothsayer, not an engineer!