From oracle-request Wed Oct 2 13:43:51 1996 Received: by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.7.6/IUCS.1.62) id NAA07013; Wed, 2 Oct 1996 13:43:51 -0500 (EST) Date: Wed, 2 Oct 1996 13:43:51 -0500 (EST) From: "Internet Oracle" Message-Id: <199610021843.NAA07013@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> X-Authentication-Warning: sunos.cs.indiana.edu: daemon set sender to oracle-request using -f To: oracle-list Subject: Internet Oracularities #862 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 862 ================================================================== Title: Internet Oracularities #862 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Wed, 2 Oct 1996 13:43:51 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 862 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 857 105 votes olun7 bhtui 4hyCc adsAi atxq7 epAl9 cfrxi 8pvpg 8otA8 8itpp 857 3.1 mean 2.7 3.3 3.4 3.4 2.9 2.9 3.3 3.2 3.1 3.4 --- 862-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is the PVCS Configuration Builder such a pain in the > backside to use? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } If I'm not mistaken, that's not the place you are supposed to use it. --- 862-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do people spend a fortune on hormones, electrolysis and dangerous > surgery when I can get a Complete Gender Change Kit for $19.95? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Included in your Complete Gender Change Kit: } } 1 pair Large Scissors } 2 bottles rubbing alcohol } 1 "Acme Gland Removal" cranial drill } 1 Tire pump } 30 feet of sanitary gauze } 5 rolls of high-stick tape } 1 woodchuck } } Also included in your "M->F" kit are: } "Pump-M-Up" epidermal breast inserts } 23 tubes of "Burn-Les" brand hair removal lotion } 1 pair silk panties } "How to PMS" instruction book } } Also included in your "F->M" kit are: } "Pump-M-Up" genitalia package. } 11 pounds "EZ Stik" human hair (assorted lengths/colors) } 1 pair all-cotton briefs } 1 all-cotton white T-Shirt (Slightly soiled) } "How to get the most from your Belch" instruction book } } You owe the Oracle, incarnated as $19.95, } plus shipping and handling. --- 862-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Where did those black smudges on my shirt sleeves come from? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear Sir, } } If you examine those smudges very closely you'll notice that they } aren't actually smudges at all. Rather, they are patches of burnt } fabric. In fact, as you read this response, you'll note that they have } now spread to your collar. } } Of course, by now you are experiencing the true mind-clearing } enlightenment of a slow motion ZOT. Perhaps the crispy sounds of } your hair turning to smoke will remind you that supplicants grovel in } front of the Oracle for a reason. } } You owe the Oracle a dry-cleaned shirt and a decent grovel. --- 862-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis and Jane Ferriby-Viles The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, most discerning, whose jokes I am unworthy to decode, why > are some Oracularities funny and well-written while others are > simple-minded and uninspired? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You think answers are chosen for the digests on individual merit? Join } the '90s, pal. Nowadays the priesthood are forced to balance each } digest for submissions across a wide band of age, race, gender, sexual } preference, occupation and physical ability. As most of the oracular } incarnations are 17-25 year old white heterosexual male computer geeks, } this can cause difficulties selecting all high-quality answers. There } is a 78 year old disabled black lesbian social worker who's had an } answer in every digest since #712. } } You owe the Oracle a political correctness filter. --- 862-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, what is it about American culture > that makes them think the epitome of female beauty is > an anorexic figure with small bones and no flesh on them? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, a trick question. You said "American culture". } } You owe the Oracle an oxymoron. --- 862-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh dear oracle almighty, > > please enlighten me on this question: > > Why does MS-DOS suck? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because if it blew, all the bits would fall off your disk. } } You owe the Oracle a VAX. --- 862-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Disser The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, I have heard a lot of people (mostly on > alt.binaries.pictures.erotica) grousing about JPEG images > being poorer quality than GIFs. But I have found the opposite > to be true: JPEGs are good quality, but GIFs usually have a > very odd appearance - they look like those old paint-by-numbers > pictures. Why is this? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } GIF stands for "Girly-picture Information Format," and JPEG stands for } "Juveniles Peering-at Exposed Genitalia." Although GIF is an older } file format, it is generally regarded as higher quality than JPEG, } since JPEGs are usually pictures from less classy magazines, like } Hustler, High Society, and Swank. GIFs are usually scans from Playboy } and Penthouse, which are publications that are worth reading for the } reading material, not just for the dirty pictures included in the } middle. } } Now as for why the GIFs don't look as good to you as the JPEGs, I can } only guess that you might have impaired your own vision somehow. } } You owe the Oracle a trip to the eye doctor, before you go blind. --- 862-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Disser The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wonderful Oracle, who is so very big, and vast, and > huge, please do not squash this humble grovelling supplicant > like a bug. I beg of you, oh large and giant one, please > answer my insignificant question: What is hell like? I > work for the government, can it be any worse than this? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Many think Hell is a place where they bathe in molten lava and } funny-lookin guys in red suits stick pitchforks in their butts. That } is, however, an exclusive spa outside of Santa Fe. Others think Hell is } like the "Got Milk" commercials, of which the Oracle is very fond. } } However, the truth is that Hell is like using only Microsoft products, } on 8088 machines running at half speed, with 64K of memory, on a fuzzy } amber screen with a blurry spot in the middle and no brightness } control, with no mouse, with a keyboard that has no vowels, on a desk } made of dried, packed asbestos, in a building in Florida in the middle } of summer with no air conditioning, while wearing a wool suit over a } hair shirt made from porcupine quills and woodchuck fur, working on the } revised whitepaper of a proposal for a second comment on the response } to the initiative paper of the advisory committe to the office of the } assistant undersecretary of transportation deal with traffic cone } color, while an intercom system picked up from a New York City Transit } Commission auction blares Kenny G tunes and funny looking guys dressed } in red suits stick pitchforks in your butt. } } In other words, it's *EXACTLY* like working for the government. } } You owe the oracle an Animaniacs Pez dispenser with a cherry refill. --- 862-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > The whirrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.... Keeps on > going.... What makes it do that? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh, jeez. Did you just put a Moebius strip in the shredder? --- 862-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh greatest Oracle, who's flatulence I am not worthy to smell, > please answer your humble supplicant's most unworthy questions: > What would it be like if Microsoft made something else, like, > say, Furniture or a tasty meal you can eat from a can? Would > Macintosh also go into the furniture/food business? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well actually Apple already *is* in the food business. But don't } tell Bill Gates - he hasn't found out yet. And if he does, you'll } be seeing advertisements like: } } Fresh Microsofts - only $1.99/pound. In the produce section. } } And you wouldn't want that, would you? I mean, imagine going to a } friend's house for dinner, and finding out he's made microsoft pie } for dessert. A less appetizing confection is hard to imagine. } } You owe the Oracle a vow of silence.