From oracle-request Wed Mar 26 18:33:08 1997 Received: by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.4/IUCS.1.75) id SAA13190; Wed, 26 Mar 1997 18:33:08 -0500 (EST) Date: Wed, 26 Mar 1997 18:33:08 -0500 (EST) From: "Internet Oracle" Message-Id: <199703262333.SAA13190@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> X-Authentication-Warning: sunos.cs.indiana.edu: daemon set sender to oracle-request using -f To: oracle-list Subject: Internet Oracularities #894 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 894 ================================================================== Title: Internet Oracularities #894 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Wed, 26 Mar 1997 18:33:08 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 894 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 889 107 votes gyvm4 ctzo7 86uvw 6mors 7qxy7 3yAq8 btEl6 9mAnh 5dzBh 9eBvg 889 3.1 mean 2.7 2.9 3.7 3.5 3.1 3.0 2.8 3.2 3.4 3.3 --- 894-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, how does "freezer burn" happen? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh, I'm so glad someone asked this question. Freezer burn is a } burgeoning health crisis of immense proportions for you puny earth } mortal types. } } Freezer burn, quite simply, is a process whereby the skin of the victim } becomes burned and blistered, and in some instances removed entirely. } It occurs when one suffers from too much exposure to the harmful } radiation emitted by the lightbulb within most freezers. } } The tragedy, of course, is that this can be easily prevented. } Take the Oracle's advice: } } 1. Spend less than two hours in front of an open freezer. } 2. If a lengthy amount of time is necessary, use a freezer screen of at } least FPF 45. } 3. Wear hats when deciding on that next frozen entre. } 4. Don't lick the metal lining inside of a freezer. } 5. Don't use a freezer to tan. } 6. Don't take a shower, coat yourself with Wesson oil, and curl up with } a good book inside of the freezer. } 7. Don't have sex in a freezer. } 8. Just assume that the light goes off, and quit trying to open the } door quickly to catch it before it comes on. } 9. If you must have sex in a freezer, remove the light bulb... from the } socket... } 10. Map the location of everything in your freezer to minimize "open } door" time. } } You owe the Oracle a pop-sicle, a bottle of wesson oil, and a good } book. --- 894-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Scott Forbes The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wise one whom i worship religiously.... > > I am a lowly college student having difficulty in my classes. So much > of the poetry and literature i read seems, according to the professors, > to make references to the Bible. As one who was brought up in the > grand tradition of Oracle worship, I am not familiar with this text. > COuld you please give me a summarized or abbreviated version of it??? > I simply don;t have the time to read the whole thing. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Okay, here's the Cliff's Notes version of the Bible. } } A very long time ago, but not nearly as long ago as geologists say, a } fellow by the name of God created the universe. It took him six days } to do this (quite a trick, when you consider that days are measured by } the rotation of the earth, which hadn't been invented yet). } } God also created a man, whom he named Adam. Adam was okay, but he } looked as if he needed company, so God made him a couple of wives. } Adam didn't like them very much, so God took them away and tried to get } everybody to forget about them. But the next wife he made (who was } called Eve) turned out to be acceptable. Adam and Eve lived in a nice } place called the Garden of Eden. } } Eventually, Adam and Eve discovered that they were naked. Apparently } this was very naughty - not being naked, but noticing it - and so they } got evicted from Eden and had to go and live in the Middle East. } } Adam and Eve had some kids. One of them killed his elder brother, thus } becoming the first murderer. The other one got married, but God really } doesn't want you to know where his wife came from. One thing led to } another, and before you knew it, there were thousands of folks roaming } the countryside. } } Eventually people started to get uppity, and God (because he was so } very kind and loving) decided it was time to get rid of them all. So } he decided to drown them, much as one would drown an unwanted litter of } kittens. } } But one man, by the name of Noah, was still well behaved, so God } decided not to drown this one. Under God's instruction, Noah built a } boat big enough to hold himself and perhaps a dozen head of cattle, and } somehow managed to cram a mated pair of every species of animal in the } world into this barge. Except for unicorns - there wasn't enough room } for them. } } So everybody drowned except Noah and his family, and then everything } started all over again. There were wars and disasters and repressive } governments, and lots of people were killed horribly. } } Eventually one man started telling people that this wasn't such a } wonderful idea, and they should all love one another. This man's name } was Joshua, but the Romans (who had occupied his country) called him } Jesus. The Romans didn't like what Jesus was saying - they didn't want } to love their enemies; they wanted to kill them in horrible ways - and } when he revealed that he was the son of God, they scragged him. (It is } not mentioned how God is exempt from the law regarding adultery, but } earlier references in the Greek literature may provide some insight.) } And people continued killing each other in horrible ways. } } Eventually, the world is going to end. You will know when this happens } because Very Bad Things will happen. } } You owe the Oracle a seat in the back pew, closest to the exit. --- 894-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > moron? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A subatomic particle (one of the gauge bosons). Morons are the } particles which transmit the force of Stupidity, in much the same way } that gluons transmit the strong force and photons transmit the } electromagnetic force. For many years, morons were theoretically } postulated, but it was only in the last few years that morons have } actually been observed. The initial discovery of morons was made on } Usenet, where they accumulate in messages with titles such as } "MAKE.MONEY.FAST". Recently, researchers at America On Line have } succeeded in synthesizing morons. No commercial use has been found for } them, however. } } You owe the Oracle a single quark. --- 894-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, I just got on this Internet thing and I am very worried > about downloading viruses. I tried to put a condom over the modem > socket but then it wouldn't plug into the outlet properly :( What > should I do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You must stretch the condom over the entire computer, not just } the modem socket. If your computer is bigger than a "Baby AT" } or "Minitower", you'll need to use a Magnum (or a comparably sized } prophylactic of another brand). } } Make sure you use a latex condom, not a sheepskin one, because (a) } the latex ones stretch better, and (b) the sheepskin ones aren't as } effective against the transmission of viruses. } } If your computer has dictation capabilities, such as OS/2 Warp's } VoiceType, be sure to use a dental dam whenever you talk to your } computer. } } You owe the Oracle the email addresses of five newbies to send "Good } Times" warnings to. --- 894-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most wordy and literate Oracle, who knows that able was I ere I saw > Elba, please hear my plea.... > > Do you know a palindrome referring to a city? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "Not New York," Roy went on. --- 894-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most wise and grave Oracle, whose macros I am not fit to debug, what > are the nominees in tonights Oraculary Awards? Will there be a musical > number? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } ANNOUNCER: Live, from the Stephen Kinzler pavilion in Bloomington, } Indiana, it's the 69th Annual Oraculary Awards! Brought to you by } Microsoft: responsible for more Oracle humor than every other software } manufacturer combined! By the U.S. Postal Service: hey, anyone } remember us?! And by Oracle: we're sorry people think } rec.humor.oracle has something to do with us! Now, here's your host, } Billy Crystal! } } [Applause turns to laughter as Billy walks out wearing a woodchuck } suit, holding several logs.] } } BILLY: All right, let's get this decided once and for all! [Throws a } log across the stage] One! [Throws another log] Two! } } [Uproarious laughter. Suddenly, fireworks go off loudly. Billy lies } prone on the stage.] } } BOOMING VOICE: You have just been zotted. And you owe the Oracle...a } great awards show. } } [Billy jumps up.] } } BILLY: Oh, is that all? That's no problem, big guy. Welcome to the } 69th Annual Oraculary Awards, where the question on everyone's mind is: } Who will win the Orrie? Ladies and gentlemen, the Oraculary Awards } Dancers! } } [Applause. Eight hundred ninety-three dancers, each one representing } an Oracularities Digest, come out and perform a truly amazing dance } number during the following song.] } } Who will win? } Who will win? } Who will win? } } It's Oraculary Awards time again, } Time for us to ask who will win, } Who out there will be given the honor? } It's time to let the show begin! } } ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, Bill Gates! } } BILL (solo): They never stop laughing about me, } Those incarnations that I adore, } All those jokes about me just don't matter, } 'Cause I'm worth a billion or four. } } [Applause.] } } ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, Canter & Siegel! } } CANTER: They must have forgotten about us! } SIEGEL: Well, that really wasn't so hard. } CANTER: Because we've been kicked off the Internet! } BOTH: Anyone need a green card? } } [The audience boos. The song continues.] } } ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, the Oracle Priests! } } ALL: They locked us in a room with a computer, } And the modem's always humming, } They say we can come out } When the questions run out } OTIS VILES (solo): But they just keep on coming! } } [Applause.] } } It's Oraculary Awards time again, } Hearts pound and throats are knotted, } As everyone wonders who will win, } And wonders who will be zotted. } } Who will win? } Who will win? } Who...will...win? } } [Thunderous applause. Billy Crystal returns.] } } BILLY: And our first award of the evening is, as always, Best Starring } Performance in an Oracularity. To present the award are head Oracle } priest Zadoc, and head Oracle girlfriend Lisa. } } [Applause. Zadoc and Lisa walk to the podium.] } } ZADOC: You know, Lisa, it's surprising that we're giving this award } together. } } LISA: How's that, Zadoc? } } ZADOC: Because our relationship with the Oracle is so different. When } he calls my name, it's usually for punishment. But when he calls your } name, it's usually for pleasure. } } LISA: I wouldn't be too sure about it not being for punishment, Zadoc. } } [Laughter.] } } ZADOC: The nominees for Best Starring Performance in an Oracularity } are: } } LISA: Bill Gates, 861-09! } } > That's pretty amazing! Nobody at the whole company has either sent } > or received e-mail for the last 20 minutes! } } [Applause.] } } ZADOC: John Hallmark, 889-01! } } > Oh Oracle most wise, why is there such a long time between holidays? } } [Applause.] } } LISA: Zadoc, 883-04! } } } Yes Master. Here you are. } } [Applause.] } } ZADOC: Lisa, 789-03! } } } Senator Packwood, when are you going to get it through your } } skull that 'Cease and desist' is not a term of affection? } } [Applause.] } } LISA: And finally, the Internet Oracle, 872-04! } } } Oh, well, time to walk the woodchuck. } } [Thunderous applause.] } } ZADOC: And the Orrie goes to...[opens envelope]...the Internet Oracle, } 872-04! } } [The band plays "Theme from 872-04." The audience gives the Oracle a } standing ovation as he walks slowly up to the stage. He embraces Lisa } and completely ignores Zadoc.] } } ORACLE: Oh, yeah! Hey, what is this, 69 in a row? Well, that's what } happens when you know who the voters are and have the power to zot } them. Anyway, I have a few people I'd like to thank. First of all, of } course, the lovely Lisa for standing behind me in every way possible. } I'm sorry you didn't win, honey, but at least we have this to put on } the mantel. And I'd like to thank the Association of Computer Monitor } Manufacturers for making my words look so good all these years. And I } can't forget... } } [The band starts playing. Orrie looks surprised.] } } BILLY CRYSTAL: That's what happens when you go past the } 7-and-a-half-line limit with your acceptance speech. Well, folks, } that's the 69th Annual Oraculary awards. Congratulations to our } winner, and...AWK! } } [Billy falls over.] } } ORACLE: And this time, it's a real zot, you Shecky Greene wannabe. As } I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted... } } ANNOUNCER: Costumes provided by Acme Taxidermy of Beverly Hills. This } has been an Internet Oracle production, in association with An } Incarnation With a Lot of Time on His Hands, Incorporated. Stay tuned } for...AWK! } } [The announcer falls out of his booth.] } } ORACLE: I was going to say, that I can't forget Zadoc, who took on } many of the production responsibilities for me this year. But it seems } that he's done QUITE a poor job. Start running, Zadoc! } } ZADOC [offstage]: I'm already out the door......... --- 894-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > !toz And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } . . . lamron ot snruter gnihtyreve os dnA } } ***TOZ*** } . . . etartsnomed ot em wollA } . . . eetTOZ eht era latrom eht ,uoY .retTOZ eht sa ,gnitTOZ eht seod } ohw I si tI ?siht si ssendam fo dnik tahW } } ,tnacilppuS desufnoC raeD --- 894-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hello Orrie, knower of all and all around good guy, could you > please tell me how many peppers peter piper picked? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Everyone knows that Peter picked a peck of peppers, what is far less } well known is that he later filed a suit in superior court charging his } employer with unfair labor practices. That case, settled out of court } made Peter a wealthy man. He never picked another pepper. --- 894-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mighty Oracle, whose name I cannot refuse to pronounce, whose > hatred of woodchucks is shared by all of the unworthy supplicants, > and whose nostrils I am unworthy of sleeping in, please give me a > minute piece of knowledge from your vast canister of knowledge.s > What does it take to become a priest of the mighty Oracle? > May I attempt to be a Priest of the mighty Oracle? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } ~~Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain!~~ } } _You_ want to be a Priest of the Order of the Oracle?? } Well, since you asked: } There is an initiation. And a fee, and so forth... } } INITIATION TO THE SECRET ORDER OF THE ORACLE (ITTSOOTO) } Choose one of the following: } 1) Stand on your head and invent palindromes for ten minutes straight. } 2) Stand on your feet and invent a ten minute palindrome in one minute. } 3) Stand on my head and say "yasdna aehym nod nats." } 4) Send fifteen boxtops, a self addressed, stamped envelope and the } color of the Order Robe Belt (ORB) you desire to: } Secret Order of the Oracle (SOO) } PO box 25 } Paris, TX 72802 } No grovelling accepted. No box tops, no membership. } } RULES OF THE ORDER (ROTO) } 1) You must never mistype "oral" instead of "oracle." } 2) You must never mistype "oracle" instead of "oral." } 3) Never reveal the true meaning of the oracular anagram: B.L.T. } 4) You may never punch somebody in the nose for calling you a "frater." } 5) Members who violate the vow of chastity shall be excommunicated. } } VOW OF CHASTITY (VOC) } 1) (Raise you right hand) "I, ________, of the _________ Chapter of } the WeBeLoPs (We'll Be Loyal Priests), do solemnly swear, that I would } rather be a sparrow than a snail, I would rather be a hammer than a } nail, and I would rather be chased than chaste. If I could, I surely } would." } } You are now a Priest of the Order of the Oracle (POO). } (You can put down your hand now.) } } MEMBERSHIP FEES (MF) } Members who are presently living in a fuedal country may pay in sacks } of grain or salt. Members in collective regimes should pay in black } market tobacco, wine, or jeans. Members who are joining in chapters } located in capitalist states or social democracies shall pay in cash, } US dollars or the equivalent -- pesos, yearly or monthly , through the } nose. } } DISCLAIMER } The Order of the Oracle (OO), is not responsible for any loss due to } theft, swindling, or accidently flushing down the toilet. Anyone who } believes the PO box above shall be excommunicated _a priori_. } } Note: } Upon reading this statement, whether the supplicant chooses to join } the odor, I mean order, or to continue his / her miserable life of } dull driveling about the difficulty of getting decent oral response, I } mean oracle response, or not, shall name his / her first born child or } the next one that comes out with the initials of the secret anagram: } B.L.T. } } (I said you can put your hand down already! Geeez...) --- 894-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Write an essay about Poe, in the style of Poe. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Nevermore!