From oracle-request Wed Apr 30 09:22:41 1997 Received: by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.5/IUCS.1.75) id JAA28697; Wed, 30 Apr 1997 09:22:41 -0500 (EST) Date: Wed, 30 Apr 1997 09:22:41 -0500 (EST) From: "Internet Oracle" Message-Id: <199704301422.JAA28697@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> X-Authentication-Warning: sunos.cs.indiana.edu: daemon set sender to oracle-request using -f To: oracle-list Subject: Internet Oracularities #902 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 902 ================================================================== Title: Internet Oracularities #902 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Wed, 30 Apr 1997 09:22:41 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 902 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 897 124 votes 8mRz6 hAGl8 mCIh3 aCBu9 brFve beAFm dFDq5 hsBqg 8tJuc 5vOu8 897 3.0 mean 3.1 2.7 2.5 2.9 3.1 3.4 2.8 3.0 3.1 3.0 --- 902-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is the answer to life, the universe and everything?? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The scene: A small classroom somewhere in Indiana. } } A older man, quite distinguished in appearance and rather well } dressed, if I do say so myself, enters from a door on the left side } of the room near the front. He walks over the podium in front of a } large projection computer monitor. } } The Man: Good morning class. } } Class : Good morning Oracle! } } Oracle: In today's lesson we continue the thread on dealing with } repeat questions. Particularly questions in which the } supplicant quite obviously expects a specific answer. Take } the following example: } } } } > What is the answer to life, the universe and everything?? } } Oracle: Now, who can tell me where this comes from? Yes, John? } } John: Douglas Adams _Hitchhiker's_Guide_to_the_Galaxy_ trilogy? } } Oracle: Correct. I see you have done your required reading. Now, with } such an obvious reference, what is the supplicants prupose in } asking this question? Yes, Laura? } } Laura: The supplicant wants to see if we take the easy way out and } just give him the stock answer from the book? } } Oracle: Maybe. Anyone else? John again? } } John: The supplicant obviously thinks he's being funny. He wants to } get in on this Oracle thing but can't muster up the orginality } to come up with a truly good question on his own. So he hopes } to ride the coattails of popular comtemporary author by simply } quoting form one of his most popular works. } } Oracle: Very good, John. That's possible, but I really don't think } so. One more. Tim? } } Tim: Could it be that the supplicant really wants to know? } } Oracle: Doubtful. Most supplicants don't have the brain power to } really be interested in that kind of thing. Look, class. This } supplicant thinks he can outsmart me. He asks some obvious } question, which is so overasked as to be lame and boring. In } doing so, he hopes that he can get the better of me, hoping } I'll just say "42" and be done with it. } } But we can't do that. That would mean he would win. So how do } we handle this? How can we turn such a lame question into a } truly insightful and humorous response? } } Laura: Zot the bastard! He didn't grovel! } } } } Oracle: Very perceptive Luara. A "No grovel" can usually result in an } off the cuff Zotting. However, doing so would also make him } think he had gotten the better of me. That would be the } same as saying that I couldn't think of anything better. You } in the back, Heather. } } Heather: Give him a Top Ten list? Maybe we could do something like: } "From the home office in Heaven..." } } } } Oracle: Alright, alright, quiet down. Not too bad an idea. Needs a } little polish though. In many cases, a top ten list can } indeed get you out of a tough spot. But I don't think that } really fits the bill here. } } John: So what do we do? If we can't Zot him, a top ten list isn't } right, and there's no way we can just say: 42, you owe me a } towel. } } Oracle: In this case, the best approach is to pretend to actually } consider the question as real and go from there. } } Laura: But how can we do that? The only way to find out the answer } to life, the universe and everything is to actually die! } } Oracle: Precisely! So here's the response: } ------------------------------------------ } } The answer to this question cannot properly be written down. It } requires one to be fully immersed in the experience of the } answer. However, that requires one to actually be deceased. } } Don't worry, I'll take care of that little part, too. } } *****ZOT***** } } You owe the Oracle an original question. One that hasn't been asked } 4,345,782 times. --- 902-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: noe@platsol.com (Dr. Noe) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, whose ego is matched only by his hygeine, who invented/first > articulated the woodchuck blasphemy? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } *Sigh* how tiresome, 3 of 4 queries this morning involve } woodchucks, and they're not very imaginative at that. Ewww. } The fourth involves Tom Jones. At least this isn't going to } take very long. } } Sorriest of Supplicants, whose charred bones...wait... } } >>> ZOT <<< } } ...whose charred bones lie in a small pile, dull & black in } the golden sunshine of morning... } } ___ Qa14338 ...none. Groundhogs don't live in log houses, } and neither do their mother-in-laws. And if } they tried, we would burn & raze their stinking } hovels, so it just DOESN'T MATTER. } } _X_ Qa15003 ...the identity of the sad miscreant who first } asked the "WC" question has been lost in the ashes } of time. As are the names of countless nameless } fools who followed, of which you are the latest. } Take heart, in just half a sec you won't be "the } latest" anymore. } } ___ Qa16684 ...this recipient (oracle@cs.indiana.edu) refuses } all mail from your host address (marmo.rodent.edu) } as it is regarded as a rogue site; neither a } spammer nor a marmot be. Please change providers, } hire a good plastic surgeon, and resubmit your } question. } } ___ Qa21083 ...we apologize for the inconvenience, but the } Oracle has been quite irritable lately (his } British Open qualifying round is next week), and } he has summarily issued a ZOT on grounds of "no } grovel" rather than think about Tom Jones. } } (He did mutter something about "Far better fit } for an Alfred E. Neuman impersonator", then } shouted "Funk this!" or something quite similar, } and disappeared in a cloud of sequins. Oh sorry, } wrong TJ.) } } You ALL owe the Oracle a break...and a mulligan. --- 902-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh oracle, who can make even Genesee Cream Ale drinkable, this unworthy > has a question... > > Why is it that Americans drink such thin, watered-down, bodiless beers, > (ie. Budwiser, Pabst, Miller, Schlitz) in copious amounts when rich, > thick, full-bodied beers (ie. Guiness, Labatts, Sam Adams, Becks) are > available for only $1 more a six-pack? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It all goes back over 200 years ago, to the Declaration of } Independence. Although generally thought to be a manifesto, the } document is actually a contract between the nascent United States and } Britan. The little-known final page to the Declaration has been lost in } the mists of history. But, being omniscient, it's no biggie for me to } quote some of the highlights: } } >In exchange for the above-mentioned freedom, self-representation, } >life, liberty, pursuit of happiness, etc., the party of the first part } >(The United States of America) does hereby provide to the party of the } >second part (Great Britain) the following consideration: } > } > - All the good bands } > - Doc Martens } > - All rights and use of the accent, although the party of the first } > part may still develop derivative accents } > - Monty Python } > - "My Word" } > - All beer and gin, with the exception of beer and gin that sucks } > (See section IV, paragraph 3, under the heading "British Food" for } > the legal definition of "suck") } > - The lyrics (but not the music) to "God Save the Queen" } } Of course, in these modern times, non-sucky beer is readily available } at the local grocery store. The tendency to not drink it is considered } patriotic, and it is in the most patriotic section of America, like the } rural south, where poor beer is most readily consumed. Attempts to } create decent beer that appeals to American's patriotism, such as Sam } Adams, have been met with only marginal success. } } You owe the Oracle a Black & Tan --- 902-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If you throw a cat out the window of a moving car, does it become kitty > litter? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Supplicant, if you try to throw a cat out of the window of a moving } car, what you will get is a number of very slow healing, deep claw } marks on your face. After you wipe the blood out of your eyes and } swerve suddenly to avoid the very large truck you are about to hit, } spin around and finally stop dead still in the middle of the road, you } will look in the back seat and find the cat, perfectly composed, } absorbed in licking itself clean. } } You owe the Oracle something to clear up these hairballs I keep } getting. --- 902-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Rich McGee" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great Oracle, sharper than a straight razor, > > How much wood would a woodchuck chuck before you can call him a man? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } [A warm, humid, dark, cloudy day. A light but steady rain is falling } and a moderate wind causes the palm trees to bend to the west.] } } "That hurricane is gonna be here in coupla hours. I'd shore like to } buy some plywood to board up my winders, but the damn gummint says you } can't charge more'n the reg'lar price for wood. All the wood that was } already here is gone. } } [The rain intensifies. The palm fronds whip around noisily, and an } occasional sheet of aluminum flies by.] } } "I know they's plenty of folks who'd be more'n happy to load up they } pickup truck up North and brang me some wood. I'd pay five times the } regular price. We cain't do it because the gummint says we cain't. } } [The sky darkens. The rain is now falling in torrents. The palm trees } are ripped up by the roots and disappear into the Western sky. A } traffic signal on an abandoned street turns from red to green, then } crashes to the street in a shower of sparks. An occasional mobile home } flies by.] } } "We need some kinda super hero, I guess. Somebody who'd come down here } and chuck us a whole mess o' wood. } } [The rain is now falling so hard it cannot run off as as it falls. The } streets grow deep in warm, muddy water. The wind whips the surface of } the streets into a maelstrom of rancid brown foam.] } } "Yep, if somebody would come and chuck us a big ole mess o' wood, we } sure could save a lot of heartache. He would be a real hero. } } [Towering waves rise out of the ocean and crash miles from the shore. } The once placid landscape becomes a vast lake of mud, broken boats, } building debris, mangled tree limbs, and drowned livestock. As the } storm receeds, the din begins to fade. The rain wanes to a drizzle, } the wind to a gentle breeze. Above the sound of rushing water is heard } the plaintiff cry of the one human who stayed, hoping beyond hope that } his prayers would be answered.] } } "Damn woodchucks!" } } So that's it, supplicant. The answer, my friend, is ... } } (No, not even your Oracle would stoop to a pun that low.) --- 902-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Wonderful Oracle, In who's feculance I am unworthy to wallow, > Who's cud I am unworthy to chew, who would never feed me a load > of udder bull... > > I'm trying to write "The Big Book of Cow Puns", but I find > that after about 5, I just can't come up with any moooooooo-re. > Could you hoof some to me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } O supplicant who cowtows so bovinely, I'm pleased that you chose to } milk your grovel for all it was worth... some people tend to be a bit } bossy (those, I usually zot in the dairy air. They have to be } wheeled out on a guernsey.). } } Anyway, enough stalling. I hate to break this to you, but the time } for puns is longhorn past. In their hayday, you cud go on for } heifer, or at least a long whey, on a single topic. But now, the pun } industry is no longer stable. Most of the punwork is farmed out to } foreign countries, resulting in puns not fit for manure beast. I'd be } O'Leary about publishing such a book. } } You owe the Oracle a cup of decalf. --- 902-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How do you learn English ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Post to USENET. If your knowledge of the Official Language of the Net } is lacking, you will be rapidly educated by the world's finest writers. } } You owe the Oracle a speling checquer. --- 902-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > *What* did you just say to me, young Oracle? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ooh, Lisa! I like *this* game! --- 902-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Rich McGee The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Most cool Oracle, who knows what the Babes want & how to give > it to them, please help this luser supplicant get some too. > > I got the Corvair station wagon loaded with camping gear, I'm > gassed and ready. > > Leon Redbone is playing in the 8-track, the chops & beers are > iced down in the cooler, I gots reservation at the Elk Creek > Campground in Grand Lake. > > What do I hafta do to find a woman to go with me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Stop being so shy. You've got her number. Give her a call, and she'll } go with you. Hey, if you don't take your cousin out, somebody else } will. } } You owe the Oracle a genetic screening. --- 902-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Scott Forbes The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If I were to declare war on New Zealand, would it be legal, under > international law, for me to use landmimes? > > Thank you for answering, oh Oracle whose hair is as thick as spaghetti > and whose feet are as handsome as Lawrence Ferlinghetti. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No. Under the Geneva treaty, you may no longer use any kind of mime } during warfare. Also forbidden are Zamfir (master of the pan-flute), } sauerkraut being cooked, life-sized photographs of Michael Jackson, and } anything having to do with Gallagher. } } You owe the Oracle a treaty banning the use of Windows 95. Not just in } wartime, you understand.