From oracle-request Wed Jun 18 08:26:24 1997 Received: by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.5/IUCS.1.77) id IAA06511; Wed, 18 Jun 1997 08:26:24 -0500 (EST) Date: Wed, 18 Jun 1997 08:26:24 -0500 (EST) From: "Internet Oracle" Message-Id: <199706181326.IAA06511@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> X-Authentication-Warning: sunos.cs.indiana.edu: daemon set sender to oracle-request using -f To: oracle-list Subject: Internet Oracularities #913 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 913 ================================================================== Title: Internet Oracularities #913 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Wed, 18 Jun 1997 08:26:24 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 913 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 908 99 votes 7brBh 3gxyd 69nHi 8pBja amzei gzzb2 bsvo5 kmoq7 48owv 7uBi7 908 3.1 mean 3.5 3.4 3.6 3.0 3.1 2.5 2.8 2.8 3.8 2.9 --- 913-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why are you so ugly? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It is an ancient Oracle, } And he stoppeth one of three. } "By thy long grey beard and glittering staff, } Now wherefore stopp'st thou me?" } } He holds him with his glittering staff-- } guest@wedding.com stood still. } And listens like a newborn calf: } The Oracle hath his will. } } "The van was gassed, the 'fridge was packed, } Merrily did we drive } Onto the street, and o'er the bridge, } and up I-65. } } And now the storm-blast came, and he } Was tyrannous and strong: } The plugs were wet, the clutch did slip, } In short--something was wrong. } } The nearest exit we did take, } The tailpipe billowed smoke, } With leaden hearts we took a poll: } Each one of us was broke. } } At length did cross a Woodchuck: } Along the road it moved; } And for a time, with healthy whine, } The engine did run smooth. } } "God save thee, ancient Oracle! } From fiends that cause ill will!-- } Why look'st in trouble, you?"--"With my VW } The Woodchuck was roadkill. } } Oh I had done a hellish thing, } And it would work 'em woe: } For all were bitter, I had killed the critter } That made the motor go. } } A "Quickie-Mart" did then appear, } But our pockets they were hollow; } As empty as a our mouths did taste: } We had no beer to swallow. } } Lager, lager, everywhere, } Our eyes began to bug. } Lager, lager, everywhere, } Nor any drop to chug. } } My travelmates did scorn me, } I was a nervous wreck. } They scraped the Woodchuck off the grill, } and hung it 'round my neck. } } For hours, guilt and hellish stench } Did assail me from all sides, } Till at long last, the miles passed, } And soon so did our ride. } } But I did not arrive unmark'd, } Pocks and wrinkles I acquired, } As if a sentence for my crimes; } My eyes were dull and tired. } } And so I stayed in Bloomington, } Where I gained my omniscience-- } The knowing of every atom's goings, } All under one condition: } } That I do guard this terminal, } And answer every query, } Although the e-mail never slows, } And though I may be weary. } } And all the time my countenance, } So hideous and creased, } Shall mark the grey and dreary day } I killed that loathsome beast." --- 913-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: noe@lccsd.sd.platsol.com (Dr. Noe) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mighty Oracle, who could make *every* answer appear in the > Oracularities, but apparently doesn't want to, please tell me... > > At the top of every Oracularity is a spiel about how to score the > Oracularities. Quite apart from the fact that mere mortals are > actually *rating* your answers, what the heck does the first > line *mean*? > > 906 106 vote 9jwzb 4eADd 5lAue axsob LBf70 2jnBp 4xDka azCh6 ckysc 4ovkr > 906 3.0 mean 3.2 3.4 3.3 2.9 1.8 3.6 3.0 2.8 3.1 3.4 > > At a wild guess the second is the average for each oracularity, but > the first line is just line noise to me. What does it all *mean*? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } That's the special "Oraclespeke" that the priests have to use to } communicate with me. (Why? Because I can, that's why.) Here's what } they were trying to tell me this week: } } 9jwzb...9 jerks were zotted, boss. [The priests have some authority to } zot people without having to get me involved.] } 4eADd...4 e-mail addresses were added to the spam filter. } 5lAue...The 5th line in this oracularity contained an unusual epithet. } axsob...Please terminate the employment of a certain crying person. } [Or maybe this priest meant the other meaning of "sob."] } LBf70...Los Angeles beat Florida 7-0. [I have one priest assigned to } send me baseball scores.] } 2jnBp...June 2nd is before Passover? } 4xDka...This is the 4th time this supplicant has used "deka" instead of } "deci." } azCh6...There's an attractive anchorwoman on Channel 6 in Arizona, so } swing the satellite dish in that direction. } ckysc...Check your stun control. [The zot staff has been acting up } again.] } 4ovkr...I have 4's over kings, right? [I've been teaching this priest } how to play draw poker.] } } By the way, your "wild guess" is incorrect...the numbers are an } indication of how much of a priority I put on each one of these } messages, with the lower numbers being a higher priority. For example, } I gave "LBf70" a high priority because I need to call my bookie about a } few things; I gave "2jnBp" a low priority because the priest asked a } stupid question which could have easily been cleared up by using a } calendar. } } You owe the Oracle a translation of "A Tale of Two Cities" into } Oraclespeke. (I'll even get you started: "8wBst, 8wWrs....") --- 913-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Please wise oracle, answer my meaningless question: > who is doctoring the tardis? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } And thus spake the Oracle: } Correct. Who is doctoring the Tardis. It's his job. } } [Supplicant] Who's job? } [Oracle] Exactly! } [Supplicant] Exactly? } [Oracle] No, who! Exactly is a mechanic that works on the Tardis } occasionally, but Who is the one who takes care of it full time. } [Supplicant] Who takes care of it full time? } [Oracle] Exactly! } [Supplicant] But I thought you said he was only a mechanic. } [Oracle] No. He is a dentist. Who is a doctor. And the mechanic is } Exactly. } [Supplicant] Exactly who? } [Oracle] No, they are two different people. I suppose if they got } married... } [Supplicant] Who got married to who? } [Oracle] No, who can't marry himself. } [Supplicant] Himself? Isn't he your insurance salesmen? } [Oracle] NO! He is a dentist. Himself is the insurance salesmen. } [Supplicant] That's not very good English! } [Oracle] I said it perfectly! } [Supplicant] No, you said himself is the salesmen instead of he is the } salesmen. } [Oracle] But HE is a dentist. } [Supplicant] Just stop. You obviously are so confused you cannot tell } your left from your right. } [Oracle] Left is a direction. Right is the opposite of wrong. } [Supplicant] You really need help. } [Oracle] Help? He's a psychologist. } [Supplicant] I though HE was a dentist. } [Oracle] Well, yes, but help is a psychologist. } [Supplicant] Again with the bad English. Just end it. } [Oracle] Exactly! } [Supplicant] Isn't he a mechanic? --- 913-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Rich McGee" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why does 2+2=5? I'm close to finishing an M. Sc. in Mathematics, and > I still haven't figured it out! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Permit me to suggest that your manifest talent is wasted in a field as } restrictive and dogmatic as math when you have the makings of a top } management guru. Your main difficulty is to make the transition } between two such different fields. Fortunately, there is a discipline } (sic) available in all self-respecting modern universtities which not } only overlaps both Math and Management, but has the advantage that } success in it requires neither the personal contacts of the first nor } the rigor of the second. I refer, of course, to economics. } } Your first step is to enroll yourself to the Economics faculty. This } needs some care; you won't have any trouble from the lecturers and } professors - no-one working in a field which invented "seasonal } adjustments" and "invisible imports" is going to blink at the sudden } appearance of a new masters candidate - but the administrators are } another matter. Best do it out of normal hours; Feynman has some } useful hints. } } Now, your economics thesis. Your incomplete math one will serve nicely } as a start, but you'll have to do something about those equations. } It's not that they're wrong (they are but don't worry about that just } now), it's just that there are too many of them. Economists don't like } equations, they prefer human interest stories, though naturally they } don't call them anything so understandable. You're a little short of } time for a full-scale investigation, but fortunately a "small-scale } survey" supplemented by "anecdotal evidence" will do just as well. } Intersperse these with the more impressive of the equations from your } math thesis, and include it, unedited, as an appendix. Make sure you } identify it as "work in progress" (in small print) to explain its } incompleteness to anyone who notices. Finally, you need a better title } that intrigues without actually being innaccurate, something like } "2+2=5? Possible effects of a new paradigm in an academic } environment." } } The audacity of your central premise will guarantee success - } economists are fashion junkies, sorry, they "place a high marginal } value on novelty", and you'll be asked to join the faculty. Agree, but } but *only on a part-time basis*, because you will need time to oversee } your new economics/management consultancy company (which will } conversely, of course, gain credibility from your position on the } economics faculty). You will have little difficulty acquiring and } satisfying clients - business is always on the lookout for someone } with an air of authority and independence to reassure them that what } they've already decided is the Right Way, and the management } consultancy industry exists to service this need. } } Only one thing is now needed to achive guru-hood in your new } profession: the best-selling book. Dust down that old thesis again, } and rewrite it in a popular style. It's not difficult; cut out all the } remaining equations, add the amusing tales you've heard when } consulting (the corporations can't be identified, of course, but your } author profile will mention who you've been "advising", and everyone } will have fun trying to match the stories to the companies), simplify } and exagerate the human interest, *make it sound as if it's something } the person in the office cube needs to know*. Most important, give it } a snappy title covering contemporary concerns, eg, "2+2=5! How to } Succeed in the New Millenium!" } } From now on, your main concern will be which requests and offers to } turn down. Lecture tours are OK, honorary professorships do no harm } but visiting ones, being paid, are better. You don't advise } corporations any longer, but you may be prepared to consider leading } seminars for their top management. Instant opinions for the media: CNN } is OK, Playboy Channel isn't (sorry about that). You can afford to be } consulted by a few presidents and prime ministers - think of it as a } loss leader. } } Whatever you do, don't allow yourself to become involved with the } World Bank or even worse with the Federal Reserve Board. No-one likes } accountants. } } You owe the Oracle 20% of the gross as creative consultant, and } another 20% as agent, let me see, by your reckoning that makes 50%. --- 913-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most wise one, who's wonderous thought process I cannot compete with > by any means. > > It's the end of the year, and though I really like my spanish teacher > cause she has taught us so much, and she is kind at heart and cares for > the students, she is such a crab!!! How can I get her to crack a smile > and appreciate my thanks before the school year ends on Wednesday? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Sidle up to her and, when she's least expecting it: } } 1) Whack the bejeezus out of her with a pinata stick; } 2) Ask, "Quanto costa por indecencia con un burro?"; } 3) Put a red blanket over her head and jab spears into her; } 4) Enrage her and force her to chase you and 100 friends } through the streets of Pamplona; } 5) Paella Diving. } } I'm sorry, I've had a downer on the Spanish since that nasty } business with Torquemada. Something about "Soothsaying" or } some such. Most unpleasant. } } You owe the Oracle a holiday in Portugal. --- 913-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Pray oh knowledgeable one what is the answer to this? > > Lou Reid has a song Perfect Day, > What Album's is it on and what TV/film soundtrack uses it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Never heard of Lou Reid. } But Lou Reed's "Perfect Day" was in Trainspotting. } The soundtrack album of the same name has said tune on it. } } You owe the Oracle a promise that you'll have the neighbor kid show } you how to do a web search. --- 913-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is my horoscope today and why should I care? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } WHAT'S IN STORE for June 16, 1997 } } ON THIS DAY: } * BORN: Stan Laurel, comedian (1895) } * HISTORY: Ford Motors incorporated (1903) } * ORACLE: First woodchuck question received (1911) } * BORN: Joyce Carol Oates, novelist (1938) } * BORN: Patrict Stuart (no, the other one) (1968) } * SPORTS: Chicago Bulls win fourth NBA championship (1996) } } YOUR HOROSCOPE: } ARIES: The biological warfare lab secretly located in your city } explodes in mid-afternoon, exposing thousands to } genetically-engineered ebola virus. New opportunities may come from } an unexpected source. } } TAURUS: That coworker you always had your suspicions about goes } postal and takes out five of your friends before you heroically } wrestle him to the ground. Good thing you're wearing your Kevlar! } Green is your lucky color today. } } GEMINI: Thanks to your early-morning decision to fly to Mexico, } Kenneth Starr finds your house empty when he comes by with a subpoena } for Whitewater. Romantic life causes you difficulties but keep an } open mind. } } CANCER: 2. 8. 11. 16. 25. 32. } } LEO: You are the one millionth customer. Sure, it's only K-Mart } crap, but $2,000 of free merchandise is $2,000 of free merchandise. } Envy of other horoscopes is in the cards. } } VIRGO: You talk to that girl at the party. By this time tomorrow, } your sign is happily ironic. You will face problems with coworkers. } } LIBRA: The first bungee cord you try will be defective and snap, } causing you to plummet 300 feet to a splattery death on the concrete. } A family member offers unexpected insights. } } SCORPIO: The cyborgs eat your brain and everyone else's on the } Skynet development team. Don't worry about what you can't control. } } SAGITTARIUS: You will find that selling your soul to the devil does } not provide a good return on investment, and burn in hell (starting } around six o'clock tomorrow evening) forevermore. A friend asks for } heartfelt advice. } } CAPRICORN: She may be lovely, but her name is AIDS Mary. Food } provides a distraction from boredom. } } AQUARIUS: Large, soft-spoken gentlemen of Italian extraction remind } you that your gambling debts are past due. Your doctors inform you } that you will never regain full use of that knee. Your dedication to } your work yields rewards. } } PISCES: It may look like a mosquito, but it is really an } ambassador from an advanced space-faring race. If you swat it, } you will be declaring interstellar war. You are in a creative mood. } .... } } But hey, I don't care, so why should you? } } You owe the Oracle dirt from Jeanne Dixon's grave. --- 913-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson_Nesbit" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I was wondering if you know why there seems to be only a few stars > that we can see, when we know that there are trillions of stars out > there in space and millions more being created. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } One word: ratings. --- 913-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: noe@lccsd.sd.platsol.com (Dr. Noe) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Orrie, how many uses can you think of for an old cookie sheet? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "987 Things to Do With An Old Cookie Sheet" by The Oracle. } New York: Forward Movement Press, 1997. ISBN 0-1-488901-X } 390 p. $21.95 } } Reviewed by Morris Markham } } The Oracle is back with another volume in his "Things to Do" series of } books (see reviews of "102 Things to Do With A Staff of Zot" and "1039 } Things to Do With Supplicants Who Don't Grovel Properly" in previous } issues). And, once again, he's in fine form. } } Most of his suggestions are what you might expect -- using old cookie } sheets to hold flowerpots so any run-over won't stain the good table -- } but some are unusual and intriguing. Who would have thought of using } them as a bullet-proof vest liner? Or using tin snips to cut out a } Frisbee (TM) for some exciting Saturday-afternoon fun? } } There are even a few uses I don't quite understand. For example, #199 } reads, "Heat up the cookie sheet by placing it on two bunsen burners. } Allow the sheet to reach at least 500 degrees. Working quickly and } carefully (wear asbestos gloves!) place some fresh grass, carrots and } celery stalks on the sheet. Move the cookie sheet to the entrance to a } local woodchuck burrow. Stand back and watch the fun!" } } But the most wonderful, delightful and funny of all the suggestions } is... Well, you'll just have to buy the book to find out. } } You owe the Oracle $21.95 (plus shipping and handling). --- 913-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson_Nesbit" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Orrie! How's it going? > > My email at this new place doesn't seem to be working. > I don't think I'll get your reply, so I'll have to read it in > the Digest. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh no you don't! Trying to tear down the fourth wall AGAIN, eh? } Well, it's gotten pretty drafty in here, and I'm sick of it. I've had } people in here all week trying to fix the fourth wall, and there you } go trying to break it again. Well, I've had enough, and you're not } leaving here until you've fixed the thing. Here's some spackle. } } And you can just stay here and KEEP fixing it until you think of a } decent question.