From oracle-request Sun Jun 22 08:50:42 1997 Received: by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.5/IUCS.1.77) id IAA24142; Sun, 22 Jun 1997 08:50:42 -0500 (EST) Date: Sun, 22 Jun 1997 08:50:42 -0500 (EST) From: "Internet Oracle" Message-Id: <199706221350.IAA24142@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> X-Authentication-Warning: sunos.cs.indiana.edu: daemon set sender to oracle-request using -f To: oracle-list Subject: Internet Oracularities #914 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 914 ================================================================== Title: Internet Oracularities #914 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Sun, 22 Jun 1997 08:50:42 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 914 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 909 96 votes 7uxo2 4anqx btzh4 4izng 3nAr7 57Fpi 7Dzc3 etmq5 3lux9 hutj1 909 3.0 mean 2.8 3.8 2.7 3.3 3.1 3.5 2.6 2.8 3.2 2.6 --- 914-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson_Nesbit" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, who must know just about everything past, present *and* > future, tell me this: > > I want money, lots of money ... how can I do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } MAKE MONEY FAST! } WORK FROM HOME!! } BE YOUR OWN BOSS!!! } } Make money from home by dropping the endings of sentences, as this } supplicant has done. } } He turned: } > I want money, lots of money ... how can I do it? } } into: } > I want money, lots of money ... how can I do? } } In so doing, he saved himself 10c off his Internet bill (25c for } AOL users)! He can then go to a word-meet, and swap the word with } other entrepeneurs, eventually being able to create whole sentences } from the offcuts of other people's email. } } So, not only do you save money by not typing the word, but you also } make money selling it to others. The clever people amongst you now } realise that to really win at this, treat it like a game of scrabble - } try to end sentences with expensive words, and them drop them. } } Bill Lucas, 25, has retired after using this method for the last four } years - he started out dropping the words off the end but he eventually } escalated to not writing any email at all. With the money he saved } off his Internet bill, and the money he made from selling the words } on the literary market he is now a multi millionaire. } } You too can follow his example, and comfortably retire in just a few } short years! } } You owe the Oracle. --- 914-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: noe@lccsd.sd.platsol.com (Dr. Noe) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How do I put this on? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Put the device on a glass topped table. Now, connect flap A to tab B } after making certain the flange on the outside of the lid makes } contact with the staple indentation on side 3. Now apply the glue and } press firmly, holding for a minimum of 30 seconds. At this point, if } you have not glued your hands to the outer casing raise the top of the } casing with your left hand. As you lift, look for a red and a green } wire. When you can get the wire cutters under the top of the casing } and the wires are visible, stop. The timer should cease at this } point. You have exactly thirteen seconds to cut the wire leading from } the positive terminal. Don't cut the wrong wire! Once this is done, } take the metronome and set it to 67 beats per minute. In time with } the metronome, turn the combination dial to the serial number listed } on the bottom of the device, but DO NOT TURN THE DEVICE OVER. That's } why you have to use a glass table. Once the combination is entered, } put your left thigh on the edge of the swivel table taking care not to } knock off the melon. Put both elbows in the supplied sockets inside } the casing, turning the device over and above your head in one swift } motion. Now simply extend your arms inside the box through the holes } in the bottom (the plastic wrap should break when you do this) and } extend. Presto! It's on. } } You owe the Oracle one case of Oreo(tm) cookies (if you survive). } } To get it off, send the Oracle $2 million in unmarked bills, postage } prepaid, and I will answer. No dough, no answer. Capisce? --- 914-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, > What is the future of the Internet in UK Secondary schools? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmm. Interesting questions. Let me look into the future... } } 1998: Prime Minister Blair, following the lead of U.S. President } Clinton, decides to wire all U.K. schools for the Internet. } } January, 1999: A "B1FF" virus from the United States infects U.K. } schools, causing British schoolchildren to begin writing in alternating } upper- and lower-case letters ("sHaK3Sp3r3 RuLz!"). The European } Community, alarmed that the infection (dubbed "Mad Spam Disease" in The } News of the World) will spread to the rest of the EEC, cuts all } communication lines between the U.K. and Europe. } } May, 1999: Mad Spam Disease spreads throughout the Commonwealth. } Children in New Zealand and Tasmania are particularly hard-hit. The } United Nations threatens economic sanctions against the U.K. unless all } schools are immediately disconnected. Prime Minister Dennis Thatcher } threatens retaliation. } } July 1999: U.K. sends fleet to South Georgia and the South Orkenys to } put down B1FF riots. On their way back to Britain, they stop to bomb } Argentina just on general principle. } } October 1999: Dennis Rodman is finally hunted down and stoned to death } by an infuriated crowd of basketball team owners. } } December 1999: U.N. Peacekeeping forces, comprised of units of the } Bosnian National Defense Force, the 112th Azarbajaini Coastal Defense } Brigade and the Northern Michigan Militia fight their way up the Kent } coast towards London. } } January 1, 2000: All computers in the world lock up, due to the '00 } Effect. } } January 2, 2000: MS/U.S. President Bill Gates offers "foreign aid" to } all countries affected by the '00 Effect in the form of free copies of } "Windows 2000". In return, he requires that all schoolchildren } throughout the world have bar-codes tattoed onto their left forearms } and that they immediately become citizens of the People's Republic of } MS/Seattle. } In MS/New York, the MS/UN offers its support of President } Gates' aid package. } } Doesn't look good, does it? } } You owe the schools of the U.K. sets of flashcards, some good textbooks } and enough pencil and paper to do their homework. --- 914-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > askme please! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } tellme why? --- 914-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle-- > > Yesterday my mom told me to reformat my room and I did and while I > was doing it, I deleted my little sister by accident. My undelete > utility gave me an error message because one of its files was > corrupted. Now what do I do? Please help me, Mr. Oracle, or I'm > going to be in big trouble when my dad gets home. > > --Billy And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Billy, I'm very disappointed in you. I've told you before, *always* } make sure tht you have a full back-up before you reformat. And *of } course* one of the files was corrupted -- remember when you convinced } your sister to swipe that candy bar from the 7-11 a couple of months } ago? Well, then. } } You could just tell your parents and have them re-install your sister, } but (1) that will take some time and (2) there will be a lot of lost } data (about 6 years' worth, as I recall). Of course, that would mean } admitting to your parents that you deleted your sister. } } Fortunately, there is a solution. Your room has an older backup } program, but you can use the "restore" command to format into the } proper version of your room's operating system. Find the disk marked } "Sister 2.0", insert it into the a: drive and type: } } restore a:\*.* /s } } Be sure and use the lower-case /s because it was your little sister. If } it had been your older sister, you would use /S } } Since it's an older backup, you'll lose about five month's worth of } data, which means that your restored sister won't know her addition } tables that she learned in April and May in school. Big deal. She would } have forgotten them by the end of summer anyway. } } You owe the Oracle a back-up copy of Liv Lindeland. --- 914-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise And Gracious Oracle > We Know You're No Witch > So, Please Can You Tell Me > Why Life Is A Bitch.. > > Why Not A Sod Or An Arse? > > Three Hundred Expletives Are Yours For > The Taking Master... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I have an itch, for the pitch, } by men and women alike, } Who say that life's a bitch } and then preach on family life. } } The latest that has come to light, } Is the Baptists vs. Disney fight. } They thump their bibles, and raise their hands; } Then speak in tongues, and shout demands. } } Mickey must be a rat they say, } Because Ellen turned out gay. } Mickey and Minnie they say are swell, } But Goofy with Mickey shouldn't dwell. } } Suplicant to my word give heed, } Enjoy your life in word and deed. } Life isn't more of a bitch today } Than it was on yesterday. } } My advice, which you may scorn, } Is to consider this bit of wit: } Life is like licking honey off a thorn } and laughing at the sticky bits. } } You owe the Oracle, a smile. :) --- 914-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O wise and wonderful Oracle, who dwells at the end of the yellow brick > road, tell me this: > > How do you solve the ADVENT text adventure? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You get to the 25th day, and then Santa comes and gives all the kids } presents! } } You owe the Oracle a Red Tricycle, because he has been a good boy } this year. --- 914-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > *grovel* *grovel* *grovel* *grovel* *grovel* *grovel* *grovel* *grovel* > *grovel* *grovel* *grovel* *grovel* *grovel* *grovel* *grovel* *grovel* > *grovel* *grovel* *grovel* *grovel* *grovel* *grovel* *grovel* *grovel* > *grovel* *grovel* *grovel* *grovel* *grovel* *grovel* *grovel* *grovel* > *grovel* *grovel* *grovel* *grovel* *grovel* *grovel* *grovel* *grovel* > *grovel* *grovel* *grovel* *grovel* *grovel* *grovel* *grovel* *grovel* > *grovel* *grovel* *grovel* *grovel* *grovel* *grovel* *grovel* *grovel* > *grovel* *grovel* *grovel* *grovel* *grovel* *question* > *question* > *question* *question* *question* *question* *question* *question* > *question* *question* *question* *question* *question* *question* > *question* *question* *question* *question* *question* *question* > *question* *question* *question* *question* *question* *question* > *question* *question* *question* *question* *question* *question* > *question* *question* *question* *question* *question* *question* > *question* *question* *conclusion* *conclusion* *conclusion* > *conclusion* *conclusion* *conclusion* *conclusion* *conclusion* > *conclusion* *conclusion* *conclusion* *conclusion* *conclusion* > *conclusion* *conclusion* *conclusion* *conclusion* *conclusion* > *conclusion* *conclusion* *conclusion* *conclusion* *conclusion* > *conclusion* *conclusion* *conclusion* *conclusion* *conclusion* > *conclusion* *conclusion* *conclusion* *conclusion* *conclusion* > *conclusion* *conclusion* *conclusion* *conclusion* *conclusion* And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oraclular question statistics generator beta v1.0 } } 0x3d "grovels" } 0x28 "questions" } 0x26 "conclusions" } } Grovel / Question ratio: 1.525 (passes auto*ZOT* filter) } **Warning - Error code 37: More questions than conclusions. } ** 02 excess questions, 2 conclusions needed. } } **Error - Error code 13: 00 viable questions found. } **Analysis terminated at 14:37:03 Fri June 20, 1997 } } Autogenerate reply? (Y/N/ZOT) Z^M } } *ZOT* } } You owe the ora**Error - Error code 0: supplicant not found. --- 914-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Rich McGee" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Lucifer And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Of course I know him. Tell him I said hi... *ZOT* } } You owe the oracle a copy of Dante's 'Inferno'. --- 914-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How do I wire up a lead to connect 2 computers by their parallel prots? > --J And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hi J! Glad to see you got the tachyon multiplexor fixed on that } theta-band phase space generator... Those things are, like, LETHAL if } you wire them up backwards. Actually, I wasn't sure if the red plasma } conduit or the blue plasma conduit went to the green duct when I } answered, but since you're still here, evidently I guessed right. } } Anyway, here's my easy 10-step guide to parallel prot connections: } } 1. Make sure the two prots are EXACTLY parallel to each other. Use } your laser collimator's highest setting for this. } } 2. "Iron" spacetime between the prots with a Hawking-class baby } blackhole. The objective is to get rid of any wrinkles which might } affect the parallelity. } } 3. Look up "parallelity" in the dictionary, to make sure it isn't } misspelled. } } 4. Solve the misspelled/mispelled spelling controversy once and for } all. } } 5. Make sure you are properly grounded. } } 6. Don't be such an idiot -- you don't have to route the wire all the } way to Terra (17 megaparsecs away), just to the nearest gamma-class } planet. } } 7. WATCH OUT!! No, not there, to your left! Cylons Attacking!!! } SCRAMBLE ALL SHIPS AND REPEL INVADERS! } } 8. Steal an X-Wing from the main hangar bay (distract the guards by } throwing a small pebble while hiding behind a barrel. When the } first goes to check, cut open the other guard's throat -- this is } no time to get squeamish -- then hide the body and wear her armour } and the face-concealing helmet. This will let you get close enough } to the other guard to dump him into the antimatter fuel dispenser. } } 9. No, I have no idea where you can get that pebble from while on a } starship. Use your initiative, OK? } } 10. Fly the X-Wing to the closest Imperial Supply Depot. Go into the } computer shop and ask for a "ECP/modified Centronix (tm) PLIP [PPP } variant] compatible bi-directional native client/server host--host } parallel connecting device for hispeed prots". } } You owe the Oracle a serial prot.