From oracle-request Thu Jul 24 16:28:27 1997 Received: by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.5/IUCS.1.77) id QAA15944; Thu, 24 Jul 1997 16:28:27 -0500 (EST) Date: Thu, 24 Jul 1997 16:28:27 -0500 (EST) From: "Internet Oracle" Message-Id: <199707242128.QAA15944@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> X-Authentication-Warning: sunos.cs.indiana.edu: daemon set sender to oracle-request using -f To: oracle-list Subject: Internet Oracularities #924 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 924 ================================================================== Title: Internet Oracularities #924 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Thu, 24 Jul 1997 16:28:27 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 924 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 919 113 votes atEq8 3cmDB 4btJo 9lFqg cIuj8 mxyg8 37jJD lEri7 cuwjk euBn9 919 3.1 mean 2.9 3.8 3.7 3.2 2.7 2.6 4.0 2.6 3.0 2.8 --- 924-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hail great Oracle, who stoppeth > one of three, > > Do you know the lyrics to that > -and they all went to University, > "Little Boxes" song? Ever since > they stuffed me into a cubicle > -and they all work in little boxes, > at work the two lines I know > have been driving me slowly > -and they all look just the same. > insane. > -and they all work in little boxes, > -and they all look just the same. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } --And they all work on Windows boxes, } --And they all look just the same. } --They all work on Windows boxes, } --And they all worked kinda lame. } } But one wasn't like the rest, } He had a web server to play with. } A machine which stays up for months? } Most thought it was just myth. } } --He was making Linux boxes, } --"'Cause it's better", he'd claim. } --He was working on Linux boxes, } --And gave each its own cute name. } } They couldn't understand his OS, } And the flexibility it gave. } He could use another window manager } And change how windows behave. } } --He was using Linux boxes, } --That set Windows users aflame. } --He was using Linux boxes, } --Of course it was he they blame. } } They plotted to stop him, } And procurement they did persuade, } Through many illogical arguments, } To deny him a system upgrade. } } --But he never got new boxes, } --Using 486's he'd reclaim. } --He was using Linux boxes, } --That put Windows boxes to shame. } } Unfortunately his days were few, } The managers would all agree, } That he couldn't be taken seriously, } When they learned his OS was *free*. } } --And they all work on Windows boxes, } --And they all look just the same. } --They all work on Windows boxes, } --And they all worked kinda lame. --- 924-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Be an Uber, > > Not a knave. > > Nietzsche uses > > Burma Shave. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Shaving's bourgeois, } } Much too slow. } } Schopenhauer } } Lets it grow! } } You owe the Oracle an arrangement of _Also Sprache Zarathustra,_ } arranged for kazoo band. --- 924-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most medically-wise Oracle. > > She left me, my heart aches. Do you know of a good painkiller ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } There are many different painkillers which can be used in a case such } as this. Unfortunatly most of them have side-effects. Rather than } prescribe one of them I think I should give you a list } } 1. Ihateyouphedrine } Often taken by those suffering later stages of a break-up. The } drug works by stimulating the bile duct causing large amounts of bile } to be spat out by the user of the drug. } Side Effects: Dependance, user may become addicted to the drug and } may continue to show the drugs effects long after the initial need to } take the drug has passed. } Repelance, Frequent exposure to bile produced by this } drug often causes friends and relatives, initially sympathetic to the } medical problem to show reluctance to be in the vicinity of the user. } } 2. Newgirlfriendemmet } A rather risky drug to try. The drug may have different effects } on the same person. The main reason for this is the large number of } different brand of the drug available. Effects range from euphoria to } depression. Furthermore the drug taker slowly gains tolerance to the } drug and may even start to show signs of allergic reaction. Another } problem is that the user may become dependant on the drug. Should the } drug then no longer be administered the user may show symptoms worse } than the original ones. } } 3. Gettingonwithlifex } One of the better painkillers on the market. Unfortunatly it is } very hard to find. Must not be confused with the similar but less } effective pretendingtogetonwithlifex } } 4. Becomingatrappistmonkamine } By far the strongest drug on the market. Should only be used by } those in the greatest pain. While absolutly curing the pain the drug } has a wide variety of side effects including, Hair loss, inability to } speak, insomnia (victim sleeps okay at night but gets up at 5 in the } morning). } } 5. Vowofchastityoic acid } Don`t bother with this one as it is mearly a placebo. The user } has no release from the pain and often stops taking the drug the second } the pain has gone. } } 6. Babycomebackadrine } This drug has been known to work on some occasions causing relief } of pain and showing no side effects (well no effects that user wasn`t } suffering from before at least). However in many cases it has no effect } on the pain and may even still cause side effects, which may include, } insomnia and depression. } } 7. Alternative Treatments } } Homeopathic Remedies } Often chosen by sufferers because they are well known to have no } side effects. Unfortunatly this is because they have no effect } whatsoever } } Aromatherapy } Sniffing her purfumes will not help! Give it up now. } } Accupucture } Put that knife down this instant. } } ORACLE HEALTH WARNING } } The above list is only a guide. Consult your doctor before beginning } any course of medication. } } You owe the oracle a copy of The Guide To Aphrodisiacs. --- 924-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why bill Gatel is gay ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I beg your pardon? This doesn't sound quite right. Things must have } gotten mixed up in transmission--unreliable protocol, you know. Let's } see if we can straighten this out. } } (shuffle shuffle) Will I, sly, get by a hag? } } No, that can't be it. Let's try again. } } (shuffle shuffle) Will a shy gila get by? } } Nope. } } (shuffle,shuffle) Why bag Lily?--get Lisa. } } What? What about Lisa? } } Yes, I will bag thy gal. } } You'll do no such thing! Who are you? } } Lyle with baggy Lisa. } } All right, Lyle, let Lisa go and I won't hurt you. And what do you } mean, baggy? } } Baggy wet hilly Lisa. } } Well, hilly, okay, but . . . } } Leggy with sly labia. } } Look, Lyle, Lisa's privates are none of your business. Now LET HER GO! } } Lye bath--Lisa wiggly. } } *Lye bath*? What kind of monster are you? Lisa! LISA!! } } Bale thy wiggly Lisa. } } Do you have her tied up somewhere? Is she all right? I swear, Lyle, } if you've hurt Lisa I'll ZOT you like I've never ZOTted anyone! } } Why, it's a li'l gag. Bye. L. } } A *gag*? This is your idea of a joke? You are really sick, Lyle, do } you know that? You owe me big time. And don't worry, I'll collect. --- 924-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great allmighty oracle, > > Whose ears are never full of wax, > Who's computers never are a vax, > Who's wisdom is like the flowing rain, > Who's knowledge drives a man insane, > > Please, tell me the future: > > I'm a little worried about Apple. Will they make it, or will we all end > up running Windows? Is there anything at all we can do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ha ha ha, silly mortal. Of course Apple will pull through - but like } all things in this transitory illusion you call reality, it will live } by changing into something else. Metamorphoses is the word, and the } question you should be asking is "What _form_ will Apple take in the } future?" Once the gentle giant of the computer world, Apple will adopt } the aggressive, obnoxious marketing tactics once practiced by Data } General. This "in-your-face" attitude will percolate throughout the } company, and a new corporate culture will develop - a "take no } prisoners" approach will transform not only the sales force but the } very core of the company, the programmers themselves. No more } touchy-feely user-friendly software folks! Replace that inoffensive } little wastebasket with a proton-neutralizer rifle, and blast your file } into sub-atomic particles! Yes, in order to save Apple, they will } destroy it. } } You owe the Oracle a beta-release of "Doom V - The Operating System } (Macintosh Only)", just as soon as it becomes available. --- 924-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: noe@platsol.com (Dr. Noe) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > why nobody speak italian ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well noticed!. Actually nobody - not even the Italians - speak } Original Italian these days. The story goes like this. } } In the early days of the earth all men shared one language, the } original one spoken by Adam and Eve and which they taught their } children (Cain's first word was "Rock" rather than "Mama" which } should have been a give-away). It was the perfect human tongue; } both concise and beautiful and when you spoke to God in it you got } a straight answer rather than strange looks from passers-by. } } But as is recorded in the Book of Genesis the people of the earth } got themselves into all sorts of trouble. Their Tower of Babel } project was cancelled, although the concept of a place where an } entire population could be brought together for no useful purpose } was to resurface later in schemes such as the "Restaurant of } McDonalds" and "Theme-park of Disney". } } The outcome was that the Good Lord got everyone to stop what they } were doing and made them choose a language of their own from a wide } variety that He'd designed earlier. (Omnipotence doesn't mean less } work, just the chance to always be prepared). } } So all the soon-to-be nations queued up and made their choices. } } The Germans jumped in first and took what looked like the easiest } language to learn as it only had a few words. Unfortunately this } meant that all the other words they needed had to be made-up by } stringing those few together in ever-increasing length. It turns } out that the original German language was a notation left-over from } God's design for DNA. } } The French snapped-up the language of poetry and romance, best suited } for lovers to share their intimacies whilst locked in passionate } embrace. Their sting was a cuisine composed mainly of garlic and } strong herbs. } } The English chose a tongue that lacked a lot of key words and resulted } in a history of empire-building, trade and basic conquest in order to } obtain nouns from everyone else. } } The Maya got an advanced version of HTML by accident - all those } pictographs are really icon bit-maps. Egyptian has a similar root } which not only explains the pyramids but means that the accurate } translation of the hieroglyphics "little-bird / hand / eye / ankh" } is "Make Money Fast!". } } Others made seriously bad choices. The Eskimos for instance } discovered their language really does have all those words for snow. } The only way they could hold sensible conversations was to abandon } their Bermuda shorts and sun-block and head off up north. Every Eskimo } is a world-class surfer; they just haven't discovered it yet. } } And so on. Until we get to the Italians. Well, they were last, having } been out for an extended lunch, then stopping off for ice-cream (just } missing the Eskimos who otherwise would have had found something good } to do with all that ice) } } By the time the Italians arrived at Babel, all the languages had been } passed out and the other nations had wandered off in search of } translators. This left the Italians the only people on earth still } speaking the original, perfect language of Adam. Which by default was } now called Italian. } } It didn't take the Good Lord long to spot what was going on. The } Italians were walking around communicating with each other perfectly. } Left to themselves they would have rapidly developed a superlative } culture and a science and technology that would have made them masters } of the Earth for all time. God certainly wasn't having that! So He } stepped in and confused their language big-time. He'd been looking for } a good home for the word "linguine" anyway. } } In the end the Italians didn't do too badly. They kept enough of that } original language to form Latin and get the Roman Empire started off. } Of course, the Germanic folks eventually swept in from the west and } stole it, but there was just enough left to help out with the } Renaissance later on. } } The only Italian to ever work out the truth was Leonardo. He reverse- } engineered the Original Italian language one wet afternoon, but was } wise enough to keep it to himself. He wrote it up in a dictionary, } spent an extra half-hour thinking up PGP in order to encode it, then } invented the JPEG format to represent the resulting binary pattern as a } picture he could paint. The result? - the Mona Lisa of course. Now } you know what she's smiling about. } } You owe the Oracle the Mona Lisa, a scanner and Leonardo's PGP key. --- 924-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great Oracle, who never forgets a name or a face, if anybody can > answer this question, it must be you. > > On the classic "Seinfeld" episode called "The Junior Mint", Jerry has > forgotten his new girlfriend's first name. But he does remember one > thing: The name rhymes with a word for a female body part. Eventually, > the woman says, "You don't even know my name, do you?" and Jerry has to > guess. "Mulva?" he says, and she storms out. > > Please, Oracle, tell me what her name really was! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Icontinentia -- Buttox! } } Whoops, wrong TV show. Let's see, I'm not much for American } TV, even though I live here. Everything went downhill after } Gilligan's Island, you know. But the one thing you can count } on about American TV is that it's always predictable. So if } you want a woman's name that rhymes with a woman's body part, } all you have to do is go for the obvious, which in this case } would be: Harriet. } } No? Rats. Let's see, how about Myrtle? No, that's not it. } Beverly? No, that doesn't rhyme with anything at all, does } it? Susan? That kinda rhymes with bosom, doesn't it? Nah. } Jo? That definitely rhymes with toe! So that must be it. } } You owe the Oracle a home for all these dang kittens. --- 924-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, I recently noticed that the Jetsons kid > (I can't remember his name) looks an awful lot like Billy in > the Family Circus. Are they related somehow? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Humble Supplicant, your question of Elroy and Billy will now be } answered. } } Of course they're related. They would have been fraternal twins, but } the Two-Child Quota Act of 2164, coupled with the Dole-Thurmond } Non-abortion Act of 2054, required the family to give one of them up } for adoption. The agency sent the two-day-old fetus back in time to } the Family Circus family's mother's womb. He would grow up to invent } the anti-gravity device that keeps hovercars and floating signs in the } air, as seen in "Back To The Future" parts 2 and 3. } } This agency is responsible for the placement in history of unusual } people, among them Albert Einstein, Leonardo Da Vinci, and Jesus } Bar-Joseph. They made a small timing error in that last case, but they } sent a representative of the company to try to clear things up. } } You owe the Oracle one pink Mattel Hoverboard. --- 924-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How's it going? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This Zog. Zog see bright light, puny geek step out, say he make time } hole. Zog go in light. Hole close. Zog in big cave. Lot of rock in } cave. More puny geek. Many geek. One... two... many. Geek run away } when see Zog. Rock have pictures on them. Pictures of square, with } squiggly black stuff in them. Some have pictures of real hot women } (but women no have tails---why?) One rock have question for Oracle. } Zog answer now. } } So, how go Zog day? Thank for ask. Day go nasty, brutish and short. } But Zog that way, too, so it OK. --- 924-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, is this new movie "Contact" any good? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Exploring new spheres. Coming in contact with foreign bodies. } Hurtling through the air without any idea of the destination. Being } lost without ever being found. } } Gee, I never realized the life of a contact lens was so interesting. } } You owe the Oracle some saline solution.