From oracle-request Thu Aug 14 10:49:46 1997 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.7/8.8.7/IUCS_2.5) id KAA22285; Thu, 14 Aug 1997 10:49:46 -0500 (EST) Date: Thu, 14 Aug 1997 10:49:46 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199708141549.KAA22285@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list Subject: Internet Oracularities #930 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 930 ================================================================== Title: Internet Oracularities #930 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Thu, 14 Aug 1997 10:49:46 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 930 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 925 101 votes cCqdc cpuoa 9hyz6 ixpfa 6kEq9 2bBEb lhoof cmvjh blktk ftwh8 925 3.0 mean 2.8 3.0 3.1 2.7 3.1 3.5 3.0 3.1 3.3 2.7 --- 930-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson_Nesbit" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle, whose credit rating has an infinate number of A's, please > tell me... > > Are bankers really human, or are they scum-sucking, brain-dead, > leeching greed-heads who deserve nothing more than to be hosed down > with oven cleaner before being flogged naked through a patch of cactus > and then driven over a cliff into a pit of molten lava? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Calm down, Mr. Clampett. We don't need any more feuds around here. } Yes, Mr. Drysdale lied to you _again_. Yes, he's pretentious and } boorish. Yes, Ellie Mae's newborn son looks a little like him. But -- } } Put down that shotgun! Put it DOWN! Where are you going to find a } preacher at this time of night? Stop it! } } Now, where was I? What you may not realize is that you, your mother, } your daughter, and your nephew have all been living out an allegory } of Western Civilization. You are Antrobus, the Everyman, wise in } your simplicity and kind to your fellows. Granny represents the } combustible elements of the human soul, the excitement that is } aroused by discoveries, frontiers to explore, revenooers sniffing } at one's cache of Tennessee corn-squeezings. Jethro is the naive } thirst for knowledge and sophistication, the impulse to count the } stars at night and do some cipherin' ... three, six, naught, naught, } there's at least forty-seven of them buggers up there! Finally, Ellie } Mae is Eros, the human need for raw sexuality. Her fascination with } her "critters" is a cosmic hint concerning a certain trans-species } affinity that you humans have long suppressed. } } That's not snoring I hear, is it? } } *sigh* } } VITTLES IS SERVED!!! } } Now, stay awake! Oh, all right, here's a plate of pureed possum } for you. >>POOF<< Pay attention. } } Everyman (you) discovers a vein of exploitable resources out in the } untamed wild. Greed and vanity (Mr. and Mrs. Drysdale) tempt you out } of your unspoiled surroundings into a plastic land of inauthenticity } and existential angst. Ms. Jane Hathaway, who suggests an entwining } of moral uprightness and dog-ugliness, tempers the interaction between } their wicked schemes and your naive acceptance by ... } } Dangit. Snoring again. } } PAW! LOOKIE HERE! THERE'S A BOBCAT IN PEARL'S PETTICOAT! FETCH THE } SHOTGUN!! } } No, not really. Stop pointing that thing at me. If it goes off, I'll } *ZOT* you right where you used to _really_ _itch_ long about January. } } All right, Jed, let me give it to you straight: Mr. Drysdale is part } of you. You and he are tied together. You're like yin and ya -- no, } that'll put you back to sleep. } } Is this simple enough? If you give him that shotgun blast to the } nether regions that's been making your trigger finger itch, you'll } have to figure out the tax code all by yourself. He may be evil, } but last year he got you a big enough tax refund to hire Bill Gates } to play ukulele at Ellie Mae's slumber party. Lay off him. } } You owe the Oracle a check. Just start writing numbers and stop when } your doctor diagnoses Carpal Tunnel syndrome. --- 930-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I have a live walrus sitting on my computer, and it looks angry. Is > this something that should cause me concern? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Absolutely not! There are NO scientific studies proving } conclusively that walruses can be damaging to a person's health. } Not even second-hand walrus exposure is worth fretting about. Really. } But if you're STILL concerned, the best way to ensure that walruses } will STAY safe for the general public (that includes you) is to donate } generously to your preferred political party on behalf of the Blubber } Industry. But above all, relax! Those tusks aren't real! Enjoy your } new friend. He's just a little touchy right now because he's teething. } But just incase he ever does get restless, he'll probably go for } your large neighbor from across the street first, provided that he's } standing closer to the walrus than you. Simply position yourself, } your neighbor, and good ol' Wally advantageously, and you're all set. } No worries! --- 930-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > how to access usenet through email or listserv And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Answering this kind of question is not my Forte, but I'll give it a } shot. } } Accessing through email is the easiest. What you need to do is get the } email addresses of 12 people who read the newsgroup in which you're } interested. (12 is the preferred number because more than that is } impolite, but less than that and there's a chance it won't work.) These } twelve people are your Newswatchers. } } Anyway, ask someone to help you write a login script that sends an } email message to each of the 12 people for each newsgroup each time you } connect to your service provider. This email message should contain the } equivalent of the following text (change the newsgroup to be the one } you wish to receive): } } > Hi! Could you forward me all the posts in } > alt.binaries.pictures.erotica.fighting.fish? } > } > Thanks! } } This will guarantee you lots of email. } } You owe the Oracle a tin of rn. --- 930-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson_Nesbit" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Orrie, > > Why do you pretend to be wise when I receive answers that have less > intelligence than a woodchuck? > > Yours no more, Globbb. > > PS. I have grown tired of your Zot's, which seem never to arrive > anyway. I will now seek wisdom from my dog, who have bigger ears. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear, dear supplicant. You don't know all that much, do you? } } The question you ask can be analogous to asking "How can you say } you're so tall, when every time I meet you, I can't smell anything?" } Your question is nonsense, and I'll explain why. } } Intelligence and Wisdom are two very different things. It is possible } to be one, but not the other. In your case, I can see that you lack } intelligence, but I can't remark about your Wisdom, do you see? } } Intelligence is a measure of raw knowledge. An intelligent man } knows that you use an RS-232 Cable to connect a Daktronics EDU to } an Intel x86 COM port. If you know a lot of individual things, then } you have great intelligence. Obviously, being all-knowing, I have } much intelligence, but not many people ask the oracle questions that } require intelligence, usually I need Wisdom. } } Wisdom is a measure of the application of intelligence. A wise man } knows to put an umbrella over his head, because he will not get wet } if he does. If he does not get wet, he may not get ill. If he does } not get ill, he can still work and earn money, because if he didn't } earn money, he would not be able to buy food, he would starve and die. } This series of thoughts marks wisdom, but of course to a rather lesser } degree, since any idiot can realize that you'll get wet if you don't } use an umbrella. It was the oracle who first explained to one of } the first cavemen that it's not a good idea to throw his pregnant } mate into the fire. A man that can apply ALL of his intelligence to } a quandary is considered very wise. Even if the man has very little } knowledge, if he uses it all, he is still wise, although many people } may not recognize it. } } Most people don't want to know "How many potato chips are in a bag", } most people want to know "What can I DO with 349 potato chips?" } Most people ask the oracle for wisdom, not intelligence. The people } who ask intelligent questions, get intelligent answers. Everybody else } gets just plain fluff. } } As to the ZOT staff, it's a slightly more sophisticated tool then it } used to be. In the past, it was sufficient to reduce an irritating } supplicant to a pile of smoldering ashes. This effect has a slight } drawback, and that is the fact that a smoldering pile of ashes tends } to attract law suits and lawyers. Instead the ZOTs that we give now } have a simple effect of detracting from the victim's intelligence. } We didn't want to decrease the wisdom of the foolish supplicants, } as this would increase the number of supplicants asking mindless } questions, but by removing intelligence, the supplicant becomes } wiser, as we tend not to eliminate commonly used knowledge, thus by } the removal of unused knowledge, the used to unused ratio improves, } and we have more wisdom. Unfortunately, we end up with wise morons. } This ensures that the Oracle will never lose his job. Thank you very } much for your support. } } So, you can see exactly why you get the answers that you do, and the } fact that you consult with your dog's ear further proves my point } about the ZOT staff. According to my records, you should be somewhere } between Dan Quayle and a turnip. You're actually progressing faster } then you should. If you wouldn't mind, please send me a sample of your } brain tissue, so that we might understand why ZOTs are affecting you } more quickly then normal. } } Thank you for your time, and you owe the oracle a picture of your } dog's head...shaved. --- 930-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson_Nesbit" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I walk the line. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Not a bad idea. Most of our geometric units paper trained pretty } easily, but lines are a hard case. We eventually got the parallelogram } to use the litterbox, but the line can't seem to catch on to the idea } of cutting itself off -- it just wants to run on and on and on ... --- 930-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > So... > > What's a nice deity like you doing in a dump like this? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } SHEESH! Can't i take a vacation? i curl up in a nice TRS-80, and a } supplicant STILL manages to find me. } } ______________101 reasons to sleep in a TRS-80 (c) _________________ } } 1. No one minds (who uses 'em anyways?) } 2. Bullet proof } 3. Vacuum tubes make good lovers } 4. Power Supply keeps yer pizza warm. } 5. ever sleep within a sun? } 6. If you make you bed on the floppy disk drive, it massages ya } 7. Some like it hot } 8. the BOFH told me to } 9. actually it was the PFY } 10. Nudists hate it } 11. yer mother is a nudist } 12. you get to mount the disk drive } 13. radiation from monitor provides nice green glow } 14. dust mites are friendly } 15. except for the really big ones } 16. or the nudist dust mites } 17. is Zadoc a nudist? } 18. Wanna complimentary gif? } 19. it's better than a hovercraft full of eels } 20. it only costs 14 Zorkmids a night } 21. My sword is glowing blue. } 22. Wait uh.. that not a sword... } 23. NeverMind! } 24. Cpu's are sexy. } 25. girls from Cmu are sexy } 26. girls with cpus at Cmu are sexy } 27. no, I'm not a Cmu girl with a cpu at msu. } 28. are you? } 29. 42. } 30. Are you a Supercalafragalisticexobitionist? } 31. would you like to sleep here too? } 32. I'll leave the red led on for you. } 33. if you can't come, send me a picture at cpugirl@cmu.edu } 34. would you like a cigarette? } 35. thank you, that was divine } 36. I am no longer infected } 37. really, I'm not } 38. why? because. } 39. because what? I gave it to you. see? i don't have it any more. } 40. living in one always a good conversation starter. (you live in a } trailer down by the river? well, i live in a tsr-80!) } 42. 29. } 43. device 41 no longer available. } 44. Capacitors make great pillows } 45. a good place to practice yodeling } 46. no one cares if yer naked. } 47. It's just not a good idea } 48. especially if it's plugged in. } 49. Unless your Zadoc. } 50. Did you get you winky caught in the cpu fan? } 51. HA! didn't think i'd get this far did ya!?! } 52. it is fun being in peoples computers and screw things up. } 53. What? you thought you saved that document? let me fire up my } degauser here.... } 54. Pimpbot 5000 told me to } 55. The spice girls are here } 56. bring your noose } 57. or your moose. } 58. A moose bit my sister once } 59. No really } 60. Moose bites can be nasti mind you } 61. This is to inform you that the incarnation responsible for this } list has been sacked. we are sorry for the inconvienice } 62. whats the topic? } 63. sleeping in a trs-80? why would anyone want to do that? } 64. well, here goes } 65. My mommy told me to } 66. i like it } 67. the green m&m on tv is sexy } 68. What, i did not mean to say that } 69. Arghhh...this list is stupid anyway, whose idea was this?? } 70. i quit! } 71. } 72. } 73. please stand by, technical dificulties } 74. or sit if you like } 75. just relax with your cigar } 76. perhaps some good wine too } 77. i just have to take this cattle prod and fix our problem } 78. YEOCH!!!!!!!! } 79. This is to inform you that after a few thousand volt from the ZOT } prod the replacement is ready to return..in once piece } 80. well not really } 81. whooo..kewl when will the room stop spinning? } 82. i'll just eat these harmless looking mushrooms while i wait } 83. hey! i'm donald duck! } 84. Quack Quack Quack! } 85. ZOT } 86. This is to inform you the people responsible for sacking the people } who have been sacked have been sacked and replaced by the people } that were sacked previously } 87. whoa, can you diagram #86 out for me? } 88. kill teachers } 89. the last replacement is in detox } 90. if i just spew out a few more who will notice a little fluff? } 91. beer } 92. spam is god } 93. lisa and zadoc have a kid } 94. but its wherebouts are unknown } 95. jukeboxes give me a rash } 96. see? right there } 97. indecency? Ok, i'll get that back on } 98. anyways, about lisa and zadocs kid } 99. nobody knows its name or its whereabouts } 100. in fact the only person who knows.. } 101. is me. and i will reveil it in the next # } 102. out of subscript error } } you owe the oracle your tsr-80, and get the case back on, i'm trying to } sleep here! --- 930-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, > > I am answering Oracular mail, and some crumb-bum didn't grovel. > Can you believe it? > > Please compare and contrast the following methods of punishment, pros > and cons: > > 1. Boot to the Head > 2. Tickle Torture by Lisa > 3. Replacement of Computer with Mac > 4. Chinese Water Torture > 5. Bamboo Under Fingernails > 6. Answering Oracular Mail from AOL > 7. 50 Copies of MAKE MONEY FAST Spam > 8. No more Mystery Science Theater 3000 > 9. Web Server Blown Up > 10. Good Old Fashioned Zot And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmm. Good question. Too bad about the lack of a grovel. Well, you'll } make a good test case for all these ideas: } } 1. Boot to the Head } KICK! STOMP! "Ow!" <> } } OK, let's see what the results are: } } Pro: You'll never forget to grovel again. } } Con: You can't stagger to the computer to answer your question, } filling up the queue, requiring one of those annoying "askme" banners, } and encouraging dweebs to just ask for questions without coming up with } any themselves. } } 2. Tickle Torture by Lisa } "Stop that!!! Please!!! Oh, yes, Yes, YES!!!" } } Pro: Lisa is always randy afterwards. } } Con: Have to clean up the sheets in here. } } 3. Replacement of Computer with Mac } "Hey! This computer hit me!" } } Pro: Bill Gates is out $89.95 for Windows 95 } } Con: Mac filed a lawsuit } } 4. Chinese Water Torture } Forget it. I only get 24 hours to answer this question. } } 5. Bamboo Under Fingernails } EEEWWWW! Sorry, somethings are too gross even for me. Zadoc! } } "Yes, Master!" } } You do it. } } Zadoc's comments: } } Pro: I like the feel of the fingernail finally giving way as the } bamboo goes in. } } Con: Only twenty nails. } } Sorry about that, supplicant. The boy just doesn't get out much. I'm } sure they'll all grow back, soon. } } 6. Answering Oracular Mail from AOL } H0w MuCH W00D CAN uh W00DCHUK CHUK? } } "HE CAN CHUK AS MUCH W00D } } Hey no fair. You're from AOL yourself! } } 7. 50 Copies of MAKE MONEY FAST Spam } And in what way is this different from anyone else's everyday } experience? } } 8. No more Mystery Science Theater 3000 } } Pro: Can't watch the inane antics of Mike and the robots between } scenes } } Con: Can't watch the inane antics of Mike and the robots between } scenes } } 9. Web Server Blown Up } This is punishment? } } 10. Good Old Fashioned Zot } ZOT! ZOT! ZOT! ZZZZOOOOTTTT!!!! } } } } Pro: Supplicant won't ask any more questions } } Con: Supplicant won't answer any more questions (see 1) } } All in all, I'll go with #2. Zadoc can clean up. --- 930-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Mr. Oracle, > > I have seen the ultimate yin and yang of the universe; you yourself > have just sent me a hilarious answer for one question and then ZOTted > me for not groveling "enough" on the next. Personally witnessing these > opposite displays so close to one another has released control of the > previously unused parts of my brain and racial memories, giving me > near-omniscience. I want to use this knowledge to help mankind's > lagging evolution, but nobody will believe me without a doctorate. > > So, grand Oracle, where may I find a university with a Secrets of the > Universe course? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hey! I just got this question a half hour ago and gave it a good } answer! So, you want yin and yang, eh? Since I gave you a good } answer before: } } - Uh, you didn't grovel. ZOT. } } - 'cuz i'm the bomb, baby } } - >ZOT< } } - There is no university, becuase no one is as good as i am. } } - [insert woodchuck joke here] } } - I can't answer this right now, Lisa and I are "busy" } } - If your so omnipotent, YOU answer the question } } - What's this "Mr. Oracle" stuff? ZOT! } } - what's a doctorate } } etc, etc. } } You owe the Oracle a DIFFERENT question. --- 930-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Scott Forbes The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > send me a personal e-mail of Dolores O`Riordan (the Crenberries), > please... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } [In the background, a female voice can be heard, crying out in } distress. Another female voice, which sounds suspiciously like Lisa, } is shouting "Push! Push!"] } } Oracle: Supplicant, your request has caused us more than a little } trouble here at Oracle HQ. } } [The first female voice is now screaming in what sounds like utter } agony. Lisa is shouting, "Push harder! Push harder!"] } } Oracle: You see, we first tried to send Dolores to you in a personal } e-mail, as you requested, but we had a little trouble with the } application/x-matter-transfer MIME encoding. It seems the resolution } of our scanner isn't high enough, or something like that. } } [The first female voice is sounding quite definitely hysterical. Lisa } is yelling "If you don't push harder, it'll never work!"] } } Oracle: So we decided to modify your request slightly. Wait, here } comes Lisa now. } } Lisa: It's no use Orrie. No matter how much Zadoc and I push the } envelope, we just can't get Dolores into it. } } You owe the Oracle a really big box, a working UPS worker, and $349.95 } in shipping and handling. --- 930-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Rich McGee" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } They are trying to pluck out my eyeballs, and feast on my liver. } } Years ago I offended a rather thin skinned God (OK, it was Zeus, and } yes, I did his wife. But hell, everyone else did too). He got kind of } pissed off, tied me to a mountain, and sent all these birds to plague } me. } I was stuck on that mountain for a long time, until I conviced Lisa to } forgive me. She eventually came and released me, but we haven't figured } out a way to get rid of the damned birds. } } You owe the Oracle a really big bug zapper with enough voltage to kill } a buzzard.