From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Fri Sep 12 00:10:35 1997 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.7/8.8.7/IUCS_2.10) id AAA22478; Fri, 12 Sep 1997 00:10:35 -0500 (EST) Date: Fri, 12 Sep 1997 00:10:35 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199709120510.AAA22478@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #940 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 940 ================================================================== Title: Internet Oracularities #940 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Fri, 12 Sep 1997 00:10:35 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 940 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 935 83 votes 5jole 9bsnc epmg6 9quh1 9jxl1 9msh7 6jvm5 9rsd6 mpkd3 4lpna 935 2.9 mean 3.2 3.2 2.7 2.7 2.8 2.9 3.0 2.8 2.4 3.2 --- 940-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Orrie, I trust you. You are a kind and sagacious omniscient being, > as well as a swell all-around guy. A model of decency for the > children, yet virile enough to satisfy the pulpiest of males. So I > know that you will kindly deign to answer my humble query. > > Recently, I went to a performance of Tschaikovsky's _Caise-Nosette_ > (or something like that. . .it's _The Nutcracker_ in English). The > ballet proceeded beautifully, as always, until we got to the series > of ethnic dances always included in the Nutcracker Suite when the > ballet is presented orchestrally. You know, the Chinese Dance, and > the Arab Dance, and the Russian Dance (Trepak), and so forth. > Anyway, instead of being the aforementioned dances like I expected > them to be, it was entirely different. > > First came the "Waltz of the Heavily Sedated Squid." There was all > sorts of bizarre, minimalistic music, and sure enough about 3 dozen > squid drowsily plodded about the stage, before a (human) knight rode > on a pure-white charger squid onto the stage, shouted something in > French, and beat all the other squid to death with his lance. Then > there was the "Brussels Sprout Watusi." All the members of the > orchestra, except the bassoonists (who sat there sullenly and played > Vivace molto scales in A minor), started hurling thousands upon > thousands of rotten old Brussels Sprouts at the audience. Meanwhile, > the ballerinas and ballerinos all came back and did weird 60's dances > in time with the bassoonists' scales. When that finally concluded, > the "Drunken Ditchdiggers' Disco" ensued. (I'll leave the > description of that to your imagination.) > > Then, suddenly, we were back to the Dance of the Reed Flutes, as > though nothing had happened. I looked through the program notes, but > it didn't mention the relevant dances at all--either the missing ones > or the inserted ones. > > So, were these dances really written by Tschaikovsky? Has there been > some giant coverup all these years to make us think that Tschaikovsky > was just a composer of trifling if beautiful miniatures, when he was > actually a radical avant-gardiste? > > Please condescend to answer the questions of even this miserable > slimy worm of a supplicant. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh, most uninformed wormy supplicant, you must get your composers } straight. } } Piotr Ilyitch Tchaikovsky 1840-1893 was indeed the writer } of The Nutcraker, but Peter-Ill-Itch Tschaikovsky 1940-1993 was a } completely different sort of musician. } } Both had similar origins, but whereas Tchaikovsky had a mining } official in Tsarist Russia for a father, Tschaikovsky's father was } an official in the agricultural inspections directorate of the USSR. } Thus the rotten Brussel Sprouts and the squid. } } His torrid affair and subsequent parting with Yorrik Milkykoma, an } alcoholic canal worker was the inspiration for that last movement. } } His other works, Swine Lake (don't go there), Sleeping Booty and } his Symphony #69 (Pathetic), were manifestations of his admittedly } odd desires. } } You owe the Oracle a lock of hair from a drunken ditchdigger. --- 940-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great Oracle who lives in Delphi and programs Delphi, and > eats Delphi, > > The master browser has received a server announcement from the computer > LEIF that believes that it is the master browser for the domain on > transport NwlnkNb. The master browser is stopping or an election is > being forced. > > What's this? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Lunch time. --- 940-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, Oracle, who is the rtle model for all reservoirs of knowledge > throughout Known Space, and whose perfect benefactions makes as nothing > of any act a human mind could ever concieve of, can you help me with > the following problem: > > Will Larry Nivens new works, having seen a decline in quality in the > last years, eventually rise to match the splendor and power of his > earlier makings, or should I save my money for some other author? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Unfortunately, Mr. Niven's work will continue to deteriorate, until it } resembles this: } Ring around the planet } Dressing up like Janet } Weightless, weightless } We all fall down. } Frightening, isn't it? --- 940-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Most wise, and musically inclined Oracle, please answer this > unworthy supplicant's feeble question... > What is the name of the classical piece in the DeBeer's > diamond commercial? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's the third movement of Wagner's Die Drunkenfratenboyens, } from the opera Die Tricksentogettenagirlenintoenbeden. } } You owe the Oracle a shipment of 5,000 6-carat cubic zirconias. --- 940-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hey buddy, can you spare a minus sign? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } negative. --- 940-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I M 31it3. T3ll |\/|3 wh3r3 1 (A|\| F1n|) +]-[E Be5t w@r3Z s8e 0|\| > +Ie |\|E+, 0r 1 \/\/i\\ bl0w up Ur c0|\/||>U+3R. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } \/p ^/0UrZ --- 940-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > [addresses altered to protect the guilty --D.S.] > > !%$%!+*...*+!%$%! > ! ,d88888b. ! > ! ,d88p888q88b. ! > .-*+!%$%!+*-o0o-*+!%$%!+*-.!,88p' 888 `q88.!-.-*+!%$%!+*-o0o-*+!%$%!+*-. > ! xxxxxxxx xx xxxxx !d8p' ,d8b. q8b! E-MAIL: xxxxx@xxxxxxx.com ! > ! b computer science !88' ,d888b. `88! xxxxxx@xxx.xxx.xxx.edu.ph ! > ! u.p. diliman, q.c., !88.,dp888qb.,88! URL: ! > ! philippines !q8bdp'888`qbd8p! www.xxxxxxx.com/home/xxxxx! > .-*+!%$%!+*-o0o-*+!%$%!+*-.!`88p. 888 ,q88'!-.-*+!%$%!+*-o0o-*+!%$%!+*-. > ! `q88b888d88p' ! > ! `q88888p' ! > !%$%!+*"""*+!%$%! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's an airplane...no, wait, a Mercedes...or maybe Spiderman's head } nailed on a cross? A castle with walls and a tower? A big giant } robot? A satellite? An overhead view of a road with two knocked-over } billboards? A ticket to a rock concert lying on top of a capped pen? A } two-handled hammmer? A tower with a rotating observation deck that } fell over in the wind? A wheel in the middle of an axle? The front } view of a crossbow? A hockey mask mounted on a piece of wood? The top } view of a secret decoder ring? A cigar band? A band-aid with a really } puffy center part? A nut on a bolt lying on its side? } } You owe the Oracle some clouds...real ones, not ASCII. --- 940-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh sublime oracle, kindly heed this lowest of all scum your worthy > attention: > > Why is Ronald Reagan's nose hair so long? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } He didn't read the instructions on the Hair Club for Men box. --- 940-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Orrie, > > Last night I had a strange dream. I saw the world from the tip of > Uranus, and ant-like people swarming around on the surface. When I got > closer, I felt afraid. They were eating away at my reason, destroying > my thoughts and mangling my mind. When I woke up, I still had an > uneasy feeling that thing were not quite right. Outside my window an > army of ants had devoured my lollipop, and left only the wrapping. > Could the dream have been a foreboding if this disastrous event, or > does it hint at something more sinister? > > Please sent your lightning, > Globbbb. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, dreams have traditionally been considered to have an Oracular } connection, so I suppose I can give an interpretation a try. } } Firstly, I'm ignoring the rather obviously Freudian references to } that Outer Planet and the licking of lollipops - these are quite } clearly your own problems to work out - take some cold showers for } starters. } } No, it's these ants that worry me; eating the lollipop on your } windowsill is one thing, but from your lucid description they } also appear to have carried off the stick. } } What does a nest of ants want with a lolly-stick? I'm not in the } mood for a "101-uses-for" breakdown right now, but I can think of } some disturbing possibilities. It all depends on whether it was } one of those flat sticks or a round one. } } If it was a flat stick, did it have a joke printed on it? If our } little friends are developing a sense of humour I might be in } danger of competition from "rec.humor.ant" and the spawning of } endless spam groups with antish names like "rec.humor.ant.eater" } and "rec.humor.ants.in.your.pants" Be on the lookout for domain } names that end in ".nest". } } A flat stick could also be teaching them anything from basic } bridge-building to powered flight (if they've got hold of at } least one more plus an elastic band) } } If they've rolled a round stick away, then they'll be learning } about the wheel. Look out for ant-hills coasting down main } street, with the occupants throwing very small beer cans and } flashing the rear end of their exoskeletons at passers-by. } } Or they may be learning pole-vaulting. Visit your local sports } outfitters and ask about recent sales of size 0.0005 trainers. } } But the real meaning of your dream is that you Globbbb, You have } Been Chosen! The Gods have selected you as our Watchman to Await } and Proclaim to the nations the forthcoming Time of the Ant. } } So be vigilant! Keep alert! If you start seeing ant-based } newsgroups, very small aircraft with little leggy pilots, } speeding ant-hills, or if you spot tiny athletes on minority } sports channels, then It Is Time! Dash out into the street } shouting "The Ants! The Ants! The Ants are taking over!" } } Keep running until you find someone who is shouting the same thing } (no more than a half-block in any large city). Join forces. Print } up some leaflets together and hand them out at bus stations. Write } the message on walls. Tell everyone in the nearest convenience } store about it. Tell them again and show them a can of beans that } the Ants have contaminated with radioactive ant-eggs. Grow a beard } and keep brushing it out to get rid of the Invisible Ants. Stick } with the name Globbbb. } } You are our only hope! } } Oh, and by the way, I'll happily scent my lightning - you owe the } Oracle a slot-in cartridge of Chanel No 5 for the Wand of Zot. --- 940-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson_Nesbit" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle who art mighty and awsome. > > Please explain And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Such a small amount of grovelling for such an enormous question? } Oh, very well, just this once - } } The Explanation you have no doubt been taught is thus - } } "In the beginning, there was the Word." } } This is not true. Before the Word, there was the Intake of Breath, } and before that there was the Clearing Of The Throat. This was } shortly followed by the Cough, then The Slightly Bigger Cough, then } The Enormous Great Heaving Chest Rattle and The Expulsion Of Phlegm. } Each of the globules of Phlegm congealed, settled down to a stable } spinning state, and became known as Galaxies. This was the way things } remained for several thousand million years. Now, as anyone knows, } leave a globule of Phlegm for too long, and it starts to grow mouldy. } This is indeed what happened with the Great Gobbets of Primordial } Phlegm - they began to grow things. Primitive things at first, } like mould. However, these things were left uninterrupted for } many millions of years, and began to change. Evolution was slow, } and though the outward appearance of these beings eventually became } almost indistinguishable from humans, remnants of their furry past } can still be seen (hairy palms, etc.) The brain is yet to evolve } into an intelligence comparable even to a lower invertebrate - say, } a jellyfish. } } Now, as time passed, the Great Gobbets of Primordial Phlegm began to } collapse under their own gravity and stickiness. As they contracted, } their rate of spin increased, like an ice skater pulling in their } arms, until the Things were thrown off at great velocity. They hurtled } through space at incredible speeds, before colliding with the Earth } about sixty five million years ago, wiping out the dinosaurs and } eighty percent of the species alive at the time. Their evolution } ended there, and they faced an agonising wait until other beings } had evolved to the point of looking similar enough to accept them, } during which time they carefully formulated the plan of consuming all } available natural resources, destroying humankind, and using human } technology to escape to another world. They now live in human society } in small close-knit groups, under various pseudonyms - Republicans, } Conservatives, Fundamentalists, Rugby players - and are currently on } Phase IV of their plan. } } Good Luck - You'll need it. } } You owe the Oracle the head of Billy Graham