From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Fri Sep 19 15:41:39 1997 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.7/8.8.7/IUCS_2.11) id PAA04487; Fri, 19 Sep 1997 15:41:39 -0500 (EST) Date: Fri, 19 Sep 1997 15:41:39 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199709192041.PAA04487@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #943 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 943 ================================================================== Title: Internet Oracularities #943 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Fri, 19 Sep 1997 15:41:39 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 943 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 938 93 votes 9uvh6 doDc5 7bqAd 6sun6 9fync 4ivv9 5fvrf bippe cBsc4 7iulh 938 3.1 mean 2.8 2.7 3.4 2.9 3.2 3.2 3.3 3.1 2.6 3.2 --- 943-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How do they do laundry in Iceland? > Wouldn't the boiling water make the clothes shrink too much? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Where do you people come *up* with these questions? I mean, really, } just how boring must your day be for you to start wondering about } Icelandic laundry techniques? This is just so weird... } } Well, a deal is a deal. You grovel and ask a question and I... hey, } wait a minute... NO GROVEL! Why, I ought to... } } No, if I ZOT you, then I probably won't get around to finding out } exactly how Icelanders really do their laundry and, frankly, I'm } intrigued. } } Well, let's call in an expert. } } [POOF!] } } ORACLE: [with lots of reverb] Bjorn Steffansdoghttirsson, you have been } summoned before the great Usenet Oracle to answer a question! } } BJORN: Ja, okay, sure... } } ORACLE: How do you do laundry? } } BJORN: [peers at the Oracle] How do I do vat? } } ORACLE: In a vat? } } BJORN: Vat in a vat? } } ORACLE: What? } } BJORN: Vat? } } ORACLE: No, not "vat", "what"! } } BJORN: Ja, dot's vat I say! } } ORACLE: [sighs. Leans over and presses a button on the desk marked } "Icelandic Accent Filter"] Look, we just want to know about laundry in } Iceland... Do you beat it against a rock? Boil it in those hot springs? } Does the hot water make the clothes shrink? } } BJORN: I don't do laundry. } } ORACLE: Okay, so your *wife* does the laundry. What's her name? Helga } Livssonsdoghttir? Something like that... } } BJORN: No, you don't understand. No one in Iceland does laundry. } } ORACLE: What? You mean, you go around in dirty clothes all the time? } } BJORN: Hell, no! What do you think we are? Slobs? No, after we wear a } shirt for one day, we throw it away. } } ORACLE: But that's horribly wasteful! How can you afford to buy new } clothes every day? } } BJORN: Oh, that's no problem. Everyone in Iceland is very rich. } } ORACLE: What do you mean, "rich"? You guys are perched on a small pile } of rock on the edge of the Arctic Ocean. Basically, all you have is } some small-scale sheep farming and cod fishing. How rich can you be? } } BJORN: Oh, screw the cod. For that matter, screw the... } } ORACLE: Watch it! } } BJORN: Okay, okay, just point that staff in another direction? All } right? Okay, I shouldn't be telling you this, but... Do you remember } that series of articles in the San Jose Mercury-News a while back, } blaming the CIA for introducing crack cocaine into Los Angeles? } } ORACLE: Yeah... } } BJORN: And then the paper stopped running the articles and backed off } from the story? } } ORACLE: Yeah... } } BJORN: Well, did you ever wonder why, even after the Medellin Cartel } and the Cali Cartel were both broken up, the source of cocaine didn't } dry up? } } ORACLE: Well, I thought that... Hey! Wait a minute! You don't mean... } } BJORN: Yeah. Right. The Reijkavik Cartel. Or, some call it, the "Cod } Connection". } } ORACLE: "The Cod Connection"? } } BJORN: Sure! How do you think we smuggle the stuff into the States? } Just think about it: All those cod dinners served every Friday night } all across the United States! And do you think the U.S. Customs Service } is going to go wading through five million tons of smelly fish to look } for crack? Hell, no! It's a perfect set-up. } } ORACLE: I had no idea! } } BJORN: Of course not. That's the whole point! Who is going to suspect } that the entire country of Iceland is a drug-smuggling ring? We're like } Bhutan... small, a little exotic, friendly... and damned good at } smuggling. Of course, not as good as the Bhutanese, but, then, their } heroin-smuggling operation... } } ORACLE: Heroin? Bhutan? } } BJORN: Look at a map! They're just north of the Golden Triangle! What } do you think they're going to smuggle? LSD? Naw, the Samoans have got } *that* tied up! You don't want to mess with the Samoans! } } ORACLE: LSD! Why, you disgusting little man! All of these little } countries are involved in the drug trade! } } BJORN: Not just drugs, Orrie. Yemen runs the football bookie operation, } Madagascar deals in stolen credit cards, Latvia runs the best fencing } operation for luxury car parts and Guyana... [laughs] *they've* got the } protection racket down pat! } } ORACLE: How can you do this? This is horrible! } } BJORN: Look, Orrie, it's just business. The United States has millions } of square miles of land. They have oil deposits, gold and silver mines, } coal seams, a huge industrial base, a large population and a great } communications and transportation network. What do the little countries } like Honduras have? A few square miles of stinking jungle! And, of } course, a really good blackmail operation... What we lack in natural } resources, we make up for in a willingness to adapt. Think about it: } Sicily is a small, barren rock in the middle of the Mediterranian Sea. } They've got nothing. Nada. Zip. Zero. And yet, for a century they ran } most of the rackets in Europe *and* America! The other small countries } of the world took notice and slowly, over the years, we've moved into } the same, uh, field. It's a natural! And, of course, Iceland is the } best at this. We lead the other small countries! } } ORACLE: Why? } } BJORN: We're the decendants of Vikings, of course! } } ORACLE: Get out of here! } } [POOF!] } } Well, there you have it: Icelanders *don't* do laundry. Now, if you'll } excuse me, I have to make a quick call to the Strategic Air Command. } } You owe the Oracle some ICBMs. --- 943-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And how would Sir like his steak this evening? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A little less argumentative this time, Henri. Last week } I think Chef took me a little too literally when I said } "very rare." It brought a whole new meaning to "food } fight." Damn thing nearly gored me. } } You owe the Oracle a bottle of A1 sauce. --- 943-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Bountiful one, who can complete crosswords quicker than Inspector > Morse: 28 Across. Obscure prophecy: O for a clear section! (6) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } O pitiful supplicant, who can't : } } I am the answer to your question and to all questions. If this pattern } were to continue, hmm, let's see..... } } 6 down. Irritating supplicant: Cigarette end contains French bread, in } a disordered THIN PANTIE TUBE!(4,2,3,4) --- 943-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Ain't it a shame when folks be throwin' away a perfectly good white boy > like that? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Why, yes it is. There are plenty of good uses for them. In fact there } are... } } 101 uses for a "perfectly good white boy" } } 1. Blood donor } 2. Liver donor } 3. Dinner guest (If you invite him) } 4. Dinner companion (if you're sleeping with him) } 5. Dinner server (If he's your waiter) } 6. Dinner (If you're Jeffery Dahmer) } 7. Give him a hat, boots, and a horse - Cow boy } 8. Take off his shirt and give him sunscreen - Cabana boy } 9. Give him khakis and a Polo shirt - Frat boy } 10. Slap a big S on his chest - Super boy } 11. Give him a large wood club - Bat boy } 12. Get him drunk, and him his girlfriend is cheating } 13. Dare him to do any thing } 14. Peer pressure is always fun too. } 15. I think this list is a little weird } 16. Turn him over and use his head like a mop. } 17. I hate 101 lists. } 18. I should just stop the list right here } 19. But then it wouldn't be a 101 list, would it? } 20. So? } 21. We promised 101 uses for a perfectly good white boy, } 22. We can't back out now } 23. Why not? } 24. False advertising. } 25. We didn't advertise anything. } 26. You know what I mean. } 27. Look at the list so far, } 28. How much of it has been an actual list? } 29. A couple of jokes, one or two which were actually funny } 30. Then this meaningless dialog. } 31. It's almost like the author ran out of ideas, } 32. And is trying to write his way out of a hole } 33. But the self-aware writing is one of the oldest tricks around. } 34. I know, I think this guy's a hack. } 35. How do we get him too stop? } 36. I don't think we can. } 37. He looks like he's determined to reach 101. } 38. Lord help us. } 39. Let's see where he is. } 40. Scrunch him up, and use him as a golf ball. } 41. God that's terrible. } 42. He's completely run out of ideas. } 43. That was apparent at number 12. } 44. I've got an idea! } 45. We'll sing the most annoying song in the world. } 46. He'll get it suck in his head, and he'll stop. } 47. Good plan... Ready? } 48. Doooo do do do do do da do da doo } 49. Do da do da do d-do } 50. Do da do da do } 51. Don't worry. Be happy. } 52. Doooo do do do do do da do da doo } 53. Do da do da do d-do } 54. Do da do da do } 55. Don't worry. Be happy } 56. Did it work? } 57. No, he likes the song. } 58. My God, what a loser. } 59. Tell me about it. } 60. Any more bright ideas? } 61. Let's see where he is. } 62. Two more and you can have a jug band. } 63. What the hell is he talking about? } 64. Who knows. } 65. Oo oo! I've got it. } 66. He's been drinking a lot water, right? } 67. Yes? } 68. Activate those kidneys. } 69. You mean like this? } 70. Exactly. } 71. Any second now, he'll tearing out of here lik --- 943-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mycroft@mit.edu (Charles M. Hannum) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wise and mighty Oracle, who knows more than Bill Gates, can you > identify these quotes: > > 1. "Dreams all drown when sugar is brown" > 2. "And that's when the strange virus came..." > 3. "On the road of life, there are drivers..." > 4. "Warning: Not for Mono Devices" > 5. "blank willow..." > > Should you be so kind as to answer me, I would forever be in debt. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Here's their source, in the order in which I worked them out: } } > 1. "Dreams all drown when sugar is brown" } } That's the easiest. It's a line from the first verse of the } anthem of the shadowy NutraSweet (TM) Development Council: } } "Dreams all drown when sugar is brown, } And terror at night if the sugar is white. } Oh, Calorie Free! Calorie Free! } In my bed-time drink it's the sweetener for me!" } } > 3. "On the road of life, there are drivers..." } } The first words of an unofficial statement made by an } employee of the Hotel Ritz in Paris last week. He didn't } get much more out before the Anglophiles in his audience } shouted him down and gave chase. He's still running and is } expected to reach the Spanish border by Thursday. } } > 5. "blank willow..." } } From of a bowdlerised version of "The Mikado", (Act II) with } the words disapproved of by the Moral Majority blanked-out: } } "On a tree by a river a little tom-blank } Sang "Willow, blank willow, blank willow!" } And I said to him, "Blanky-bird, why do you sit } Singing 'Willow, blank willow, blank willow'?" } } > 4. "Warning: Not for Mono Devices" } } This is stamped on the underside of the Great Pyramid at } Giza, along with a giant letter "L" and an input socket 50 } feet across. A similar arrangement (except with an "R") can } be found on an identical pyramid at Cydonia. You really } need that Earth-Mars separation for a good stereo image. } } > 2. "And that's when the strange virus came..." } } This was the hardest. I eventually realised that it is } part of a desperate explanation given by a programmer (based } somewhere in the northern-hemisphere) to his boss, on being } asked what has happened to the new project code; said } programmer having been incarnating rather than implementing. } } You indeed owe the Oracle a debt that can never be repaid. And } since I've got control of your bank's computers you are going to } find that easy, as you won't be seeing a penny of your own earnings } for the next twenty years. --- 943-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Mighty Illustrious Oracle, answer me this: > > What is a question? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, supplicant, a question can be many things, of which below are } listed but a few. } } 1. An expression of inquiry that invites or calls for a reply; an } interrogative sentence, phrase or gesture. ("Listen, you little } wisecracking jerk, can you give me 3 good reasons why I should not ZOT } you?") } } 2. A subject or point under discussion or consideration; an issue; a } difficult matter; a problem. ("Should I set the Staff of ZOT to 'stun' } or 'kill'?") } } 3. A proposition brought up for consideration by an assembly; the act } of bringing a proposal to a vote. ("Will all priests who think I } should ZOT this miserable smart-alecky supplicant into the middle of } next week please raise their hands?") } } 4. Uncertainty or doubt. ("Hmmm, I wonder if I should also ZOT those } priests who did not vote the way I wanted them to just now?") } } You owe the Oracle the answer to Question Number One. --- 943-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, most wonderful, beautiful, radiant, smart, and a snappy > dresser: > > What's the difference between good and evil? Do you have any examples? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Funny you should ask! Good and Evil are the names of my cats. } Good is a black short-hair generic cat, while Evil is a long } haired white cat with orange spots. Both sleep most of the time. } Good likes to be scratched behind the ears while Evil prefers } under the chin. Evil tends to gack up hair balls, which is } really anoying. Good will only drink from a running faucet, } while Evil will drink water from a pan left to soak in the sink. } Evil also likes to use my sofa as a scratching post and has ripped } it to shreds. } } Sorry, I'm not giving out examples, as both cats have been } spayed/nutered. } } You owe the Oracle a new scratching post and a pound of catnip. --- 943-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > why is baseball America's sport? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Who told you it was? Didn't you see that commercial -- which turns out, } for some reason, to be for AT&T -- wherein a lonely American player is } depressed because he plays in a Japanese baseball league? No one there } understands a single word he says, and what's more, it is raining } buckets, and people are being knocked unconscious all around the } stadium. No, wait. It isn't raining buckets, it is simply raining, and } the depressed American baseball player calls his brother -- this must } be the AT&T link -- who tells him to "have fun." The depressed American } baseball player interprets this to mean he should go out in the pouring } rain and run around the bases and slide all over the muddy infield and } do cartwheels. The stands come alive with people laughing at him, as we } see the now-gladdened American baseball player's Japanese manager roll } his eyes. So we see that baseball is the sport of whosoever cares to } play it. Running around, acting like an idiot -- *that* is America's } sport. } } You owe the Oracle a pair of cleats and a rubber chicken. --- 943-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mycroft@mit.edu (Charles M. Hannum) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What state capital is known as the "Moistened City"? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Um... the state of arousal. } } You owe the Oracle a password to the Swedish Erotica home page. One } that works. --- 943-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is it irritating me like that? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh no! Didn't anyone tell you how to recognize poison ivy? You're } supposed to use some OTHER kind of leaves after going to the latrine. } } You owe the Oracle a Boy Scout handbook.