From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Sun Nov 23 16:15:01 1997 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.7/8.8.7/IUCS_2.12) id QAA09661; Sun, 23 Nov 1997 16:15:01 -0500 (EST) Date: Sun, 23 Nov 1997 16:15:01 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199711232115.QAA09661@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #962 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 962 ================================================================== Title: Internet Oracularities #962 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Sun, 23 Nov 1997 16:15:01 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 962 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 957 95 votes guph7 nmjn8 28jvz 37lCq 5pKb8 3lHj9 7jtv9 3hzpf 2mCo9 4ivqg 957 3.2 mean 2.7 2.7 3.9 3.8 2.9 3.1 3.2 3.3 3.2 3.3 --- 962-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, what is Hormel's most famous product, and why? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "Crazy Eddie" Hormel's most famous product was a line of childrens } lunchtime meals inspired by Dr.Seuss. } } Green Eggs and Spam } One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish Sticks } Hop on Popsickles } Fox in a Box (with fries and a drink) } Horton eats a Whoburger } Cajun Fried Catfish in the Hat } Chocolate-coated Lorax (you need a thneed to wash that down with). } } You owe the Oracle a local franchise for "Oh, the Places You'll Go" } Takeout. --- 962-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > 2b || !2b And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } void main(void) } { } (2b || !2b); } } } } syntax error : 'bad suffix on number' } syntax error : missing ')' before identifier 'b' } syntax error : 'bad suffix on number' } syntax error : ')' } 4 error(s), 0 warning(s) } } Uh oh, bad news for you. Looks like it's definitely not meant 2b. } } You owe the Oracle your mortal coil. --- 962-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle, whose brain cells outnumber the Green Bay Packers, please > tell me: > > Why is it that, while an American football game lasts for exactly one > hour (measured to the nearest second by the game clock), the television > coverage of such a game lasts for three hours? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } [The scene: The Oracular throne room. The Internet Oracle sits, } typing away at a keyboard, bathed in the green glow of a monochrome } CRT.] } } ORACLE: Hmm... This is a good one... Well, Supplicant, } } [A referee's whistle sounds. Fade out and into:] } } [theme music] } } PERKY-ANNOUNCER-GIRL: Buy FlasGo, the cola that'll make you look like } me! } } [fade back out, and into the Oracular chamber] } } ORACLE: the main problem } } [referee's whistle. Fade out and into:] } } [Different theme music] } } MACHO-SPOKESMAN-GUY: For a long hard day of workin' on the farm, you } need a REAL truck. Which is why I don't drive a Geo. } } ANNOUNCER: Friends don't let friends drive cars made out of Tupperware } (tm). } } [fade back out, and into the Oracular chamber] } } ORACLE: is the } } [Whistle. Fade out and into:] } } [more theme music] } } [Pictures of gen-x kids doing positively obscene things for a simple } bottle of soda that they can buy at any convenience store for $1.19] } } VOICEOVER ANNOUNCER: Amazing what advertisers think you'll fall for, } no? Drink Splurge. } } [Fade out and into the Oraclular chamber] } } ORACLE: %&@#$ advertisers! } } You owe the Oracle tickets to the next Major League Soccer championship } game. Real football for real people. --- 962-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What was that? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, as of the date my Random House unabridged dictionary was } published, "that" was, "a pronoun used to indicate a person, idea, } thing, already mentioned... remote in time, place, or thought." And I } guess it still is. } } You owe the Oracle a method of lifting *that* dictionary without } throwing his back out. --- 962-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mighty Oracle, whose something is really something great, please > tell me... > > I'm wanting to get in to domestic terrorism, and I heard that the > Internet is the best place to find all sorts of fringe groups. Can you > tell me which ones are the best? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, I think that the Afghan fringe groups are the best. My auntie } Delphi used to crochet large afghans, whilst waiting for supplicants, } and she always put a fringe on them. They were terrible, the fringes } always falling off when we took them home. Domestic terror for sure. } You can't even begin to imagine. } } You owe the Oracle a Galois group. --- 962-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson.Nesbit" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Foaming Oracle, you know all the nautical prepositions that our English > teachers didn't mention, like abaft, alongside, astern and aboard. > > I believe that I have received a nautical proposition. A lady at the > car wash where I work has suggested that I visit her father's boat. I > need to know if I should do this. > > You know what boat I'm talking about (because you're omniscient) even > though I have not seen it. I think that she said it is stored in the > boatyard of a Mr. David Jones. (She calls him "Davy"--I hope that's not > a bad sign.) She also refers to this boatyard as a "locker" but I don't > know what the significance of that is. > > Should I go aboard her father's boat? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Avast! Ye skinkin' Lubber, alter course, or heave to! } Tha's no Lady! She's out tae scuttle ye, an' leave yer } stoven bleach'd ribs tae tumble i' th' breakers. Yon } Harpy's got a foul bottom, an' naught but misery in 'er } hold... Ye'd best stow that belayin' pin of yours, afore } it brings ye tae grief. } } Come about, I say! an' show 'er yer wake. Gin she presses } ye, gie 'er a broadside! } } } You owe the Oracle a half-price coupon for the nearest } Sassy Spinnaker Dry Cleaners...there are parrot droppings } all down the back of my coat. --- 962-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Can you give me a sign? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } _____________ _______________ } | | | | } | TRESPASSERS | | YOU OWE THE | } | WILL BE | | ORACLE A ROLL | } | ZOTTED! | | OF RAZOR WIRE | } |_____________| |_______________| } | | | | } | | | | } |_| |_| --- 962-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Once again I need nautical information. I have succeeded in furling > the mizzenmast, striking the barnacle, and running up the binnacle. > Now I need to find oarlocks for the oaracle. I've looked abaft the > poop deck and below the stern. Where are they? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Easy. Follow the starboard gunwale to the forecastle. Go through the } deck hatch and follow the ladder down to the lowest compartment. } Proceed through the passageway amidships until you find a hatch in the } desk. Open the hatch and drop down into the bilge. I think I left them } there. } } If you don't find them there after swimming through the bilge, reverse } your path back to topside and ask the boatswain's mate where the locker } labelled "OARACLE OARLOCKS" is. } } When done, the Oracle requires you to ask the boatswain's mate when } you're going to be able to transfer your next message to the email } buoy. "Boats" will fix you right up. --- 962-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson.Nesbit" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > &) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } ======================================================== } Geek Grovel decoder: } } Input Geek Grovel Code: &) } } Output: } & = Stand on my face until my nose looks like an ampersand. } ) = This will make me happy. } ======================================================== } OK, g^ UO? --- 962-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Rich McGee The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O most profound Oracle, whose memory is perfectly photographic (not > to mention photogenic), please answer the question that everyone > over 40 has been asking one another for the last 34 years: > > Where were you and what were you doing when you heard the President > had been shot? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Resting easily on a grassy knoll. Why do you ask?