From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Fri Dec 5 08:21:23 1997 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.7/8.8.7/IUCS_2.13) id IAA07227; Fri, 5 Dec 1997 08:21:23 -0500 (EST) Date: Fri, 5 Dec 1997 08:21:23 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199712051321.IAA07227@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #964 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 964 ================================================================== Title: Internet Oracularities #964 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Fri, 5 Dec 1997 08:21:23 -0500 (EST) @@@ The Internet Oracle -- a quarter million answers and counting! @@@ @@@ Mark Stillwell has just asked the Internet @@@ Oracle its 250,000th question! That makes for an average of @@@ 84 questions answered per day, every day, for the past 8 years. @@@ No rest for the omniscient, it seems. @@@ @@@ On the occasion, Mark had to say, "Well, this has been a great @@@ honor, and I'm sure that through continued effort and support @@@ from people like me and everyone here, we can make sure that no @@@ llamas ever go without bathing." @@@ @@@ Congratulations, Orrie, may you be burdened with 250,000 more! To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 964 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 959 101 votes 7vuq7 4fIsa fsHd2 4gzth 5qCo8 dCD83 5kOl5 3enGj 4huEa 5hCva 959 3.1 mean 3.0 3.2 2.6 3.4 3.0 2.5 3.0 3.6 3.3 3.2 --- 964-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, je demand une reponse. Que veut dire ceci: "Pas de lieu Rhone > que nous?" And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } ORACLE: Zadoc! ZADOC! Get your finger out of your ear and crawl over } here! } } ZADOC (crawling backwards towards the Oracular throne): Master, I } cower before the might of your wisdom. I tremble in awe of the } eminent authority of the slightest corner of your knowledge. I } flee in anguish at the thought of comparing my miserable excuse } for an intellect to your brilliance. } } ORACLE (kicks Zadoc in the bum): Shuttup and look at this question. } } ZADOC (reading question): Oh my. Oh dear. That's not good at all. } } ORACLE: Why not? } } ZADOC: No grovel, your worshipful wiseness. } } ORACLE: That, too. What else? } } ZADOC: It's in French? } } ORACLE: I need amusement. Translate it for me. } } ZADOC: Uh ... I don't know that much French. } } ORACLE (taking out the Staff of ZOT): Learn. } } ZADOC: Uh ... yes sir, your sapient sirfulness. Uh ... "Oracle, I } demand a response. Whose dire foot is this: 'In lieu of the } Rhone take what?'" } } ORACLE (looking annoyed): You suck. (Raises Staff of ZOT to level } with Zadoc's head. Zadoc ducks. Oracle spins around, ZOTting } the terminal displaying the obnoxious French question. Far away, } in darkest Quebec ...) } } PIERRE (charred, glowing): Que le hell?! } } You owe the Oracle a French-to-Cthulhu dictionary. --- 964-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Rich McGee The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Help me, Obi-wan Kenobi. You're my only hope. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Use the Force, Luke - there's no other way to get the cap off the } catsup. --- 964-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson.Nesbit" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O great and wondrous, mystical omniscient one, please help this less > than worthy mortal out of a jam. > > Where are my car keys? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, *this* is an easy one. Your car keys are in your car. } } Unfortunately, your *car* was stolen and is being driven by "Colonel" } Billy Bullen of the New Jersey Militia. He spotted your car, with the } keys left in the ignition (you dolt!) last night, just about the time } you were going to sleep. } } The bad news (yes, it gets worse), "Col." Bullen is on a Mission } from George Washington, who speaks to Billy (particularly when, } like last night, he's had at least 18 Rolling Rock beers and half } a bottle of Old Grandad bourbon). Oh, yes, he also has a staggering } methamphetamine habit. } } And 340 pounds of mining-grade dynamite, 140 1-lb cans of Hercules } brand reloading gunpowder and 16 blasting caps. Oh, and a copy of the } January 1972 issue of Playboy. The one with Liv Lindland as Playmate. } A classic. But I digress. } } Apparently, George Washington told Billy to avenge him for what the } Hessian mercenaries did to his troops during the terrible winter at } Valley Forge. It's too bad, really, that Washington used the common } 18th-century expression "Dutch" for Germans (the English colonists } could never seem to get "Deutsch" and "Dutch" straight). Anyway, } Billy also has a street map of Washington, D.C. with a large, red } circle drawn around the location of the Embassy of the Republic of } the Netherlands. } } Expect a visit from the F.B.I. very soon. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of your up-coming autobiography, "I'm } Innocent, I Tell You!" and a copy of the January 1972 issue of Playboy. --- 964-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If you really loved me, you would... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I don't think so. Venetian blinds take too long to dust. } } You owe the Oracle fifty ways to leave your louver. --- 964-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ken McGlothlen The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, almighty, all-knowing, benificent, magnificent, but oh-so-nice > Oracle, I need to know the answer to just _one_ simple question.. > > Who is General Failure, and why is he reading my drive? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } General Failure is the leader of the noble realm of Dahz, in its } campaign against the tyranny of Wilhelm von Gates and his legions of } terror, called the Wyndos. The forces of Wyndos are currently } merrymaking at the Ternet Inn after their great victory on the Mousepad } Plains. The time to strike is now, while the enemy is in disarray. } They have insufficient resources to do anything; they're dropping } packets (of peanuts) left and right while feasting on great hunks of } spam, and cups of java for dessert. } } Your drive contains the strategies that will allow Failure to end the } war once and for all. Failure has read your drive, and after great } analysis, he has narrowed his options to three. Let's examine them. } } Aboat. Take our troops to sea, and perform a surgical strike on the } enemy's base at Red Mound, near the Sound of Puget. This will be } effective if and only if Wilhelm von Gates fails to get his Sail '95 } program operational. Despite his failures in bay-ta testing on the } high C:s, our spies indicate he will complete this plan before we can } effectively mobilize our troops. Also, the legions of Gates are widely } spread; the Ternet Inn has a wide web, and a direct hit on one location } may not disable them. } } Redry. The Wyndos require great amounts of water; they insist on being } cleaned regularly. If we can keep them dry, denying them this } privilege, we may weaken them enough to allow our troops to take them } out easily. Unfortunately, Red Mound lies in a rather wet climate, } making that task difficult. } } Fall. The simplest plan is simply to knock von Gates himself out of } his tower at Red Mound; the fall is sure to kill him. Our arsenal of } long-range rocket launchers, plasma guns, and BFGs is more than the } forces of Wyndoes will ever have; they spell DOOM for the enemy, and } will make them quake in their boots. Without a leader, his troops will } be easy prey, if they ever leave the Ternet Inn at all. The downside } to this plan is it will require all of our arsenal; if Gates' loyal } assistant and yes-man, Paulo Lenn, takes the helm, there will be } nothing to stop him from the complete and total obliteration of Dahz. } } General Failure has considered these options, but cannot make a } decision; he is doomed to fail, and his drive will no longer be valid. } Thus, he presents the decision to you. You have the troops of Dahz at } your disposal. It is your choice; choose wisely. (A)boat, (R)edry, } (F)all? } } You owe the Oracle an Apple. --- 964-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most vegetationally vivacious one, if a prize-winning Idaho spud was > awarded its own TV news analysis show, would it be offended at being > called a commentator? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } } Oh most vegatative supplicant! I'm sure that you're trying hard to } earn your celery, but if you carrot all about peas on earth, you will } season desist with these planted lines. Human beans can't kumquat } close enough to more than barley approximate the almighty Oracle, I yam } what I yam. } } Therefore, lettuce stop this caper now, before fear roots you to the } spot; we shall cress any other bridge as it comes. } } You owe the Oracle some oil and vinegar. --- 964-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Rich McGee The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most glorious and really really cool Oracle. Please tell me why > it is that the grass is allways greener on the other side of the > fence? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } There's no real difference. They just spread a higher grade of } bulls__t over there. } } you owe the Oracle a fertilizer with a high nitrogen content. --- 964-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mchevalier@wellesley.edu The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Thunderous Oracle, lightning-fast, stormy in thy wrath, and consumer > with flames of tree-transporting rodents, > > How do Spam and Woodchuck compare, especially re. taste and nutritional > value? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You ask me to compare 3 qualities of Spam and W-------ks! } I will address only the first quality: Re (The 2d tone of the } diatonic scale in solmization (as in "Do Re Mi Fa Sol La Ti")). } } The key (get it?) to getting a particular tone from a subbstance } is finding the correct quantity of the said substance, so that } when it is struck by a hard object it will resonate at the desired } frequency. } } Let's do some empiracle observation, shall we? } } I've placed a can of spam on the table in front of me. Now I'll } whack it with this baseball bat.... } } - @ = % < SPLAT > $ ( + = } } That wasn't very musical, but it was the correct pitch (Get it? } pitch/baseball bat! Ah, I crack myself up.). } } Now let's try a medium sized w-------k. Ok. Stand back.... } } THUD! } } Ahh, very satisfying and musical (to my ears at least). But, } alas, the tone produced was more a Fa than a Re. Let's try a } larger W-------k. Here goes.... } } THANG! } } Mmm, that was good! But it sounded like a Me flat. Let's try } again.... } } THONG! } } Oooh! Perfect. } There you have it. The Re of a w-------k is a rich mellow THONG } while the Re of SPAM is a discordant SPLAT. } } The Other qualities (taste and nutrition) I'll leave as an exercise } for the supplicant. You may make you observations while cleaning } off my table. } } You owe the Oracle the 1812 Overture (orchestrated for w-------k, } of course)! --- 964-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Orrie, whose voice is always melodious and whose movements are always > lyrical: > > I'm incensed. I have just had occasion to go traipsing through the > Oracular archives, and I discovered that while there are > > * 5 Oracularities mentioning bassoons, > * 5 Oracularities mentioning flutes, > * 3 Oracularities mentioning oboes, and > * 3 Oracularities mentioning clarinets, > > there are also AT LEAST > > * 20 Oracularities mentioning pianos. > > This is an outrage! There is no reason for there to be more mentions > of pianos than all woodwinds put together, except for your irrational > hatred of bassoons just because Zadoc happens to play one. When are > you going to rectify this situation? (The lack of woodwinds in the > digests, not Zadoc's bassoon-playing.) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Wind filled supplicant. } } Had you ever dropped a bassoon, flute, oboe or clarinet on a woodchuck } and witnessed the lamentable inadequacy of the injuries inflicted you } too would sing the praises of the piano. } } As for Zadoc's bassoon playing you owe the Oracle a years supply of } industrial strength ear plugs. } } Oh, by the way, you appear to have overlooked at least twelve } references to various wood wind instruments in my reply to a September } 1996 inquiry on the best way to roast a symphony conductor. --- 964-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Great descendant of Delphi, who knows exactly where he is > and exactly where he's going, who is both a standing wave > and a dangling particle, who not only understands the > Copenhagen interpretation, but also choreographed the > Copenhagen Interpretive Dance, a puzzling dilemma burns > deeply into the rubber treadmarks of my soul. > > I have been reading about the 'double slit' experiment, > which proves that photons can act like a wave. It turns > out that this experiment can be done with electrons instead > of photons, and they act like a wave too. It's even been > done with whole atoms, which have electrons and protons > and neutrons. (oh my!) What I don't understand is where > this whole wave thing stops. We know that *we* don't act > like waves, unless we're Green Bay fans with tickets. If > you shove rocks through the double slit experiment, you > would get a different result. But would molecules, being > just a couple of atoms stuck together, act like a wave? > What about really large molecules, like buckyballs? Or what > about a few molecules stuck together, like fine dust? Or > sand? Or pebbles? Or lemmings? At what point do things > start acting like Newton said they should? And do you have > any spare tickets to a Packers game? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It always heartens the Oracle when young people come asking queries } about love. You see, I am current conducting my own 'double slit' } experiment with Lisa and a long Spanish sundress. I'll be sure to let } you know the results when we're through. } } You owe the Oracle ... Oh, wait a minute. You mean Young's 'double } slit' experiment. Quantum mechanics, eh? I took a course in Quantum } Mechanics at Lincoln Tech, hang on there.. Quackery, Quadrophonic } Sound, Quagmires in Babylon during the Second Dynasty, ah, here we are: } Quantum Mechanics. } } So you want to know about the infamous duality principle. The debate } in those days went something like this: } } Democrites: All the things in nature, like this plate of kasseri } cheese, are made up of small chunky bits called 'atomos'. } Aristotle: I don't think so, fat boy! Try Fire, Earth, Air, } and Water! } Democrites: Step off, bud, or you'll get some of that first element } right in your face. } Aristotle: You want a piece of me? You want a piece of me? } Democrites: OPAA! } } And hence Aristotle's eyebrows were singed, and Saganaki was born. } } Heisenberg: Herr Democrites, I have some bad news for you. } Democrites: Pass the spanakopeta. } Heisenberg: Look, old man, we didn't want to have to tell you this. } But matter is waves, not particles. } Democrites: What? Get your kraut butt over here. } Heisenberg: Hey! Let go! Oof! Your particle theory got stuck in my wave } theory! } Democrites: And your wave theory got stuck in my particle theory! } Neils Bohr: Two great tastes, taste great together! } } And thus quantum mechanics was created. } } But back to your question -- to sum it up, if I may: Does the duality } principle hold for macroscopic objects -- ones larger than, say, the } Spice Girls' brains? And here we turn to the tale of Erwin } Schrodinger. } } Schrodinger was a loner Quantum Mechanic. Kept to himself, mostly -- } he was about 15 years older than all those young hotshots like Bohr, } Heisenberg, and Favre. Maybe this explains why he spent the rest of } his days locking cats in small boxes and poisoning them in the } "interest of science." Anyhoo, the idea was that if you link a } microscopic phenomena (alpha decay in tritium) to a macroscopic } phenomena (felinicide), a probability waveform collapses, but what is } far more likely is that you get 10 to 20 in Sing-Sing. And so before } this went on for too long, Schrodinger was playing the Physicist's } Blues, and his results are lost to posterity. } } So in summary: modern science still doesn't know about that particular } duality principle. On the other hand, it has been proven it is } impossible to be both a Chicago Bears fan and a Green Bay Packers fan. } Results of experiments have shown that in addition to collapsing } waveforms, the test subjects themselves have collapsed due to } nearest-neighbor interactions. I recommend you keep your cats safely } locked in your basement. } } You owe the Oracle a non-Abelian gauge theory topped with bechamel } sauce.