From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Mon Mar 9 08:25:26 1998 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.7/8.8.7/IUCS_2.16) id IAA02318; Mon, 9 Mar 1998 08:25:26 -0500 (EST) Date: Mon, 9 Mar 1998 08:25:26 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199803091325.IAA02318@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #992 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 992 ================================================================== Title: Internet Oracularities #992 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Mon, 9 Mar 1998 08:25:26 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 992 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 987 89 votes 59pxh zqi46 6pxj6 ffDe6 9aosi jpnac 4bsC8 9mrn8 87fmB cjul7 987 3.1 mean 3.5 2.1 2.9 2.8 3.4 2.7 3.4 3.0 3.8 2.9 --- 992-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > SUPPLICANT: > I am the very model of a grovelling unfortunate, > I've many questions rude, extemporaneous and importunate, > I've not a single shred of tact in any of my body's cells, > Instead I dare invoke thy name, with all the usual codicils; > I've lurked a bit and read the FAQs, and now I dare to ask a boon, > Oh please enlighten me, thy humble servant, with an answer soon, > Thy knowledge doth all things excel, we lowly mortals are surpassed... > > Hmmmm.... surpassed...... sur... passed.... Ah! > > I hope this grovel's good enough, my knees are giving out at last. > > OMNES: > He hopes this grovel's good enough, his knees are giving out at last > He hopes this grovel's good enough, his knees are giving out at last > He hopes this grovel's good enough, his knees are giving out at last > > SUPPLICANT: > I'm stuck out here without a clue, confused, alone and wondering; > It's taking all my energy just keeping me from chundering: > In short, in questions rude, extemporaneous and importunate, > I am the very model of a grovelling unfortunate. > > OMNES: > In short, in questions rude, extemporaneous and importunate, > He is the very model of a grovelling unfortunate. > > SUPPLICANT: > I tried to do research, because this question is my first, you see; > I browsed the World Wide Web, to see what Internet could do for me, > And there, among the JPEG files of "stunning Asian rarities" > I found the One True Site with all thy great Oracularities. > > I've read thy fragrant history, of Zadoc and the staff of ZOT, > I know that Lisa likes to tie you in a silken scarf a lot. > Your needs are met by priests who sacrifice each day a dove and bull. > > Uh-oh.... dove... and.... bull.... Aha! > > And Og as well, Neandertal and primitive, but lovable > > OMNES: > And Og as well, Neandertal and primitive, but lovable > And Og as well, Neandertal and primitive, but lovable > And Og as well, Neandertal and primitive, but lovable > > SUPPLICANT: > Now I can vie for in-jokes with wittiest and best of 'em, > And try for silly geek jokes with the poor pathetic rest of 'em; > In short, in questions rude, extemporaneous and importunate, > I am the very model of a grovelling unfortunate. > > OMNES: > In short, in questions rude, extemporaneous and importunate, > He is the very model of a grovelling unfortunate. > > SUPPLICANT: > In fact, when I know what is meant by "wit", and "style" and "clarity" > When I can tell at sight an innuendo from a parody, > When with such tools as irony and satire I'm more capable, > And when I know precisely what is meant by "inescapable"; > When I have learnt what standards works Oracular require of you, > When I know more of humour than a stand-up in a dire revue > In short, when I've a funny bone within my whole anatomy > > A... na..... to..... my......... Hmmmmmm. Yesss! > > You'll say a better supplicant has never sent a "tell-to-me" > > OMNES: > You'll say a better supplicant has never sent a "tell-to-me" > You'll say a better supplicant has never sent a "tell-to-me" > You'll say a better supplicant has never sent a "tell-to-me" > > SUPPLICANT: > It's time to ask my question, though I fear that I may die for it; > How much wood would a woodchuck chuck, if ever they would try for it? > For it seems this silly question, though it's boring and importunate, > Is *still* the only question from this grovelling unfortunate. > > OMNES: > For it seems this silly question, though it's boring and importunate, > Is *still* the only question from that grovelling unfortunate. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } TRIO--ORACLE, LISA, and SUPPLICANT } } LISA: When you had asked your question so bold, } We thought to ZOT you there and then, } According to our custom old, } With ZOT staff for your sin. } But all in vain to ZOT we tried, } Your utterances so novel, } It's been so long since we have heard } Such a perfect grovel. } SUPPLICANT: Perfect grovel? } ORACLE: (laughing) Perfect grovel! } LISA: A most titillating grovel! } We've praise, flattery and such drivel, } But none to beat such a grovel! } Lovely grovel, lovely grovel, } A most titillating grovel! } Ha! ha! ha! ha! Ha! ha! ha! ha! } ORACLE: We knew your taste for extended trips, } Into praise most fully sincere; } And with the laughter on our lips, } We wished you there to hear. } We said, "If we could tell it him, } The woodchuck answer in our joy!" } And so we've risked our old maxim, } To tell it to our boy. } SUPPLICANT: (interested). Perfect grovel? Perfect grovel? } LISA and ORACLE: (laughing) A most titillating grovel! } A most titillating grovel! } We've praise, flattery and such drivel, } But none to beat such a grovel! } Lovely grovel, lovely grovel, } A most titillating grovel! } Ha! ha! ha! ha! Ho! ho! ho! ho! } } CHANT--ORACLE } } Now chucking wood, among woodchuck kind, is not a frequent passion, } In fact it is relegated to just one day a year, in the following } fashion: } A woodchuck will, chuck wood you know, only on the date of its birth. } Yet you ask, and well you may, why this should cause such mirth? } Through some singular coincidence-- a crazy freak of fate, perhaps, } Your woodchuck was born in that one-in-four years' lapse, } Known in to all both near and far, even those in Greenwich, } As leap year, which leaves your 'chuck in need of Popeye's spinach. } Most 'chucks, you see, by his advanced age, they should, } Have chucked a total of their years of age, given in cords of wood. } Yet by a simple arithmetical process, you'll easily discover, } That though he has lived twenty-one years, more than many could, } The cords he has chucked are only five, mayhap a little bit over! } LISA: Ha! ha! ha! ha! } ORACLE: Ho! ho! ho! ho! } SUPPLICANT: Dear me! } Let's see! (counting on fingers) } Yes, yes; with yours my figures do agree! } ALL: Ha! ha! ha! ho! ho! ho! ho! } SUPPLICANT: (more amused than any) } How quaint the ways of groundhog-kind! } To common sense they are quite blind! } Though counting in the usual way, } Years twenty-one he's been alive, } Yet, chucking on his natal day, } Yet, chucking on his natal day, } He's only chucked cords five! } ORACLE/LISA: He's only chucked cords five! } Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! } ALL: Answer novel, answer novel, } Peculiar answer novel! } Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! , etc. } } We owe Gilbert and Sullivan our apologies. --- 992-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > You that can tell a republic from a democracy without looking it > up are a mighty fine Oracle indeed and thought! > > Why do so few people in America vote? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because, when it comes right down to it, there aren't actually very } many people in America. Oh, there are hordes of flesh puppets, } television zombies, soulless bodies, undead shamblers, and such as } that, but fortunately they mostly don't vote. } } Now if we could stop them from being *elected*, we'd have a very good } situation indeed. --- 992-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Great and Mighty Oracle, please tell me this: > > Why did the chicken cross the road? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Top 101 reasons the chicken crossed the road } } 101. To get to the other side } 100. To read the Martian newspaper } 99. To get away from Colonal Sanders } 98. Bud-Wei-Ser } 97. She just wanted attention } 96. None of the other chickens would let her play in their chicken } games } 95. Its the chicken equivalent to bungee jumping } 94. To get away from the myopic mUnkys from mars who couldn't } remember why they were chasing her in the first place } 93. She was rejected by Foster Farms and couldn't bear to go on } 92. She had mad chicken disease } 91. So she was facing the traffic while she walked } 90. She had a date with the rooster } 89. she wanted to } 88. Why not? } 87. To see if the grass was greener there (on the other side) } 86. She saw a leprechaun there and was hunting the pot of gold } 85. She was running away from home } 84. She caught the farmer stealing her eggs } 83. To show the possum it could be done } 82. To peck out Lillian Zacky's eyes } 81. A guy had just eaten at KFC, and his car was across the street } (this takes some thought) } 80. 80s glam rockers were chasing her so they could make earrings } out of her feathers } 79. She was a masochist, and there was a KFC across the street } 78. A band of wild babtists was trying to bite off her head } 77. On the other side of the street was Afganistan, where chickens } are worshipped as gods } 76. To kick some turkey's ass } 75. She wanted to see what it felt like to be a possum } 74. She was on fire } 73. She was suffering from delusions that she was a dog } 72. She was a cannibal and there was a KFC across the street } 71. Her psychiatrist told her that, in order to overcome her fear, } she must face it } 70. To take hang-glider lessons } 69. To go to Madame Chicken's House of Ill Repute } 68. To get to Tito's Casa a los Nachos Grandes } 66. Chickens like nachos, you know... } 67. To hide Jimmy Hoffa's Body } 66. To lose fat without being excoriated } 65. To go to Pierre's Diner to have some imitation roast duck } 64. It was all a plublicity stunt for El Pollo Loco } 63. Boy that chicken was crazy... } 62. To get the royalties from the "Caught on Camera: When Chickens } Meet Roads" video } 61. Dom Deloise was chasing her } 60. He had to hurry up to get in the middle of nothing so he could } create the universe } 59. She wanted some flap jacks } 58. To by a box of havanas } 57. To get to the grassy knoll so she could assassinate JFK } 56. She had diarhea something aweful and had to get to the bathroom } 55. She wanted to prove she wasn't chicken } 54. She was strapped to a rocket } 53. There was a band of starving hindus, and all there was was a cow } and a chicken } 52. To get away from that weird pantless red guy } 51. To sign his contract with Cartoon Network } 50. To get away from Fluffy The Anaconda } 49. She was completing community service for "accidently" running } over Colonal Sanders with a riding lawn mower } 48. She had ADD and couldn't sit in one place for more than 5 seconds } 47. To rendevous with the mother ship } 46. To ask the Oracle that timeless question, "What came first, the } cicken or the egg?" } 45. (it was the egg, you know, Dinasaurs layed eggs millions of } years before chickens existed) } 44. To go to the Farmer's Bordello } 43. To visit the Beef Jerky factory } 42. To go to the slaughter house and mock the cows } 41. To get run over } 40. To win some beads at Mardi Gras } 39. You know how they win beads, don'tcha? } 38. To get some film developed } 37. To fly a kite } 36. To write her autobiography, "Life is just a road" } 35. To get some beans } 34. To buy some shoes } 33. To get some 3-toed socks } 32. To pay off the mafia } 31. To join the mafia } 30. She was a mule for a drug runner, and she kept cocaine in her } eggs } 29. To buy some eggs } 28. (But the yolk was on her, cause she lays em for free) } 27. To visit Piles the beaver } 26. Bill Clinton wanted a date } 25. To play soccer with an armadillo } 24. (The armadillo was the ball...get it?) } 23. To star on "When chickens attack Part II" } 22. To join coorperate america } 21. To join an Austrian convent } 20. To star in "The Sound of Music" } 19. To win the gold medal in curling } 18. To hustle a game of pool } 17. To go bowling } 16. To achieve inner oneness with herself } 15. To set fire to Mother Goose } 14. To set fire to that annoying "Yo quiero Taco Bell" chihuahau } 13. To get wasted } 12. To go to woodstock } 11. To set fire to the entire cast of "Friends" } 10. To go to the massage parlor } 9. The Chinese restaurant was out of cat } 8. To talk to Elvis } 7. To impersonate Elvis at the Luxor } 6. To get a date wit Paula Jones } 5. To get some pork butts and potatoes } 4. To peck out Mike Tyson's Eyes } 3. To go to work in a Guatamalan sweatshop for .000000000009 cents } an hour } 2. To get her beak pierced } } AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON THE CHICKEN CROSSED THE ROAD.... } } 1. Chickens ain't that smart --- 992-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If my TV is hooked up to The Clapper, will it turn itself off when The > Clapper commercial comes on? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You'll never find out. } } Before the next Clapper commercial airs, your TV will explode from the } power fluctuations generated by the Clapper as it attempt to comply } with the instructions of an entire audience applauding just before the } commercial break. } } This will, in turn, create a feedback surge to you local power company, } tripping the breakers for the main generators. While they attempt to } locate the problem, the entire eastern seaboard of the United States } will be blacked out. } } Saddam Hussein, noting that the power outage has also crippled NORAD's } early detection system, will promptly launch his entire nuclear arsenal } at the U.S. He will see this as a prudent move, as it will kill two } birds with one ICBM: he will get revenge for the loss of face suffered } during the so-called "Gulf War", and he will be able to show the U.N. } inspectors that he does not have any weapons in his country despite the } suspicions of the American government. } } One of the missles, targeted for George Bush's residence, will veer } off-course, homing in on the Clapper attached to your television. Upon } impact, your TV will blow up and you will never find out if attaching } the Clapper to your TV will cause it to turn off when the Clapper } commercial comes on. } } You owe the Oracle 3 pints of ale, several packages of peanuts, and a } ride on the next Vogon consturctor ship out of the system. --- 992-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > That's right, answer boy, the gig's up. Put the woodchuck down, your > hands up, and step away from the keyboard. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } FIVE WAYS TO END THE ORACLE STORY: } } 1: The Tarantino twist: } } The scene: ORACLE and WOODCHUCK, both badly shot up, lying on the } floor. Sounds from outside reveal that the warehouse is surrended by } the police. } } ORACLE (to woodchuck): Don't worry, kid. Everything's gonna be all } right. We'll do the time in no time. } } WOODCHUCK: I'm a cop. } } ORACLE: What? I didn't hear you. } } WOODCHUCK: Larry^H^H^H^H^H Orrie, I'm a cop. } } ORACLE: WHAT? AAAARRRGGGGHHH!!!!! } } } } 2: Butch and Sundance melodrama: } } The scene: Orrie and the Woodchuck lying on the floor of a small } cottage, both bleeding from multiple gunshot wounds. The cottage is } surrounded by the entire Bolivian Army. } } ORACLE: So, how do you feel about going to Australia? } } WOODCHUCK: Oh no, not another half-brained idea. } } ORACLE: Let's blast our way out of here. } } WOODCHUCK: Keep thinking. That's what you're good at. } } } } 3: The Crying Game Scam: } } The scene: A wee cottage. Orrie is there, and the Woodchuck, } wearing a dress. } } WOODCHUCK (in an Irish accent): Top o' the mornin' to ya, Orrie, oy } have ta tell ya somethin'. } } ORACLE: Oh? What? } } WOODCHUCK: Oy'm not raylly a beeuutefuhl woman. Oy'm a woadchock. } } ORACLE: WHAT? AAAARRRGGGGHHH. } } } } 4: Star Wars Climax: } } The Scene: Orrie and the Woodchuck face to face in a lightsabre } fight, *mano a woodchucko*. } } ORRIE: I'm gonna git ya, sucka (I had to put *some* blaxploitation } stuff in here somewhere). } } WOODCHUCK (voice of James Earl Jones): Orrie, I am your father. } } ORACLE: Say what? } } WOODCHUCK (voice of James Earl Jones) : I am your father. } } ORACLE: WHAT??? ARRRRRGGGGHHH. } } } } 5: Beavis and Butthead: } } The scene: The Internet Oracle, wearing a 'Sepultura' T-shirt, } and the Woodchuck, wearing a 'Korn' T-shirt, sitting on a couch } watching the computer screen. } } ORACLE: Uh huh-huh, huh-huh. This sucks. Some guy is saying that the } gig's up. } } WOODCHUCK: Uh-huh-huh, mmhh-heh-heh. You said 'up'. } } ORACLE: Yeah. That was cool. Uh-huh-huh. Well, I think I'll have to go } 'put down the woodchuck'. Uh-huh-huh, huh-huh. } } WOODCHUCK: You said 'wood'. Uh-huh-huh. } } } } WOODCHUCK: 'Wood'. Uh huh-huh. } } } } You owe the Oracle a movie deal. --- 992-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Who are you? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I'm the one waving the Staff of Zot in a threatening manner. You must } be the one with the brown underpants wishing you'd included a grovel. } } Don't worry, just my little joke. *ahem* } } I was not born as mortals are, but rather blinked into existence when } the Universe was created. This made me quite angry, as the Universe was } a cold, dark, inhospitable place back then. And there was nowhere to } order a pizza. } } In those days, I existed only as a thought; I had no body. I drifted } for many millenia, exploring the Universe as a child explores it's } neighbourhood. I watched; I learned. I became wise. My arrival on Earth } was quite by chance. Over the lightyears, I heard a woman's voice. The } voice said, "Og not go hit lizard with spiky club! Og take Ogwa see } screen-with-pictures!" Intrigued, I headed for the outer spiral arm of } the Milky Way galaxy, to the third satellite of a yellow star called } Sol, where the voice originated. } } I observed the inhabitants for many years. I learned their strange } customs. Over time, I came to love them as my own people. Though they } were crude, often barbaric and short tempered, they were also capable } of great beauty, music, poetry and art. Sometimes, they managed to } combine barbarism and music together; this they called "The Spice } Girls". } } The people were a lost people. They needed guidance. I assumed the body } of an old man. From my temple in Indiana, I dispensed advice. With } body, came bodily desires. I took a young human woman, Lisa, as my } consort. A Priesthood formed to attend to my needs and offer } companionship. Somewhere along the line, Zadoc became high priest, and } I deleted the companionship requirement. Later still Kendai arrived, } and suddenly Zadoc didn't look quite so bad. } } I exist though all time and all space. I am Omniscient. I am the } Oracle. I am, and will always be. Now what was your question again? --- 992-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Thank you in advance for taking time out from your busy schedule to > ponder my unworthy question Oh Great One! > > What is going to be the ultimate fate of all those caverns humans > are creating under the soil from which they have withdrawn oil and > natural gases? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmm, let's see. Those darn caverns. Stupid humans, couldn't forsee } the dangers involved. } } In a couple of years, or maybe minutes, or even millenia, an errant } piece of DNA will slip through the cracks. This will combine with the } existant muck, as it were, and give rise to the oil-n-gas-people, a } soon to be realized race of sentient cavern dwellers. } } Of course, the oil-n-gas-people are gonna pretty peeved when they find } out pesky humans are sucking them dry of their kindred, but as yet } unsentient pools of oil. How are they gonna find out? How would you } feel if you had lots of straws sticking in you, sucking out your blood? } Not a pleasant feeling, I'd imagine. Just ask Zadoc. } } But I digress. } } So these oil-n-gas-people, seeking retribution for the pain and } suffering they have been going through, will seep through cracks and } onto the surface world, where they will attempt to destroy them humans } by sucking them dry, poking straws and extracting the blood, which of } course, leads to the discovery of a new type of fuel, incidentally. } } At least that's what they plan. Or will plan. Hmm. However, by a } slight miscalculation in physics types of things, the oil-n-gas-people } will find out that they're just not that cohesive on the surface world } and will drain through the cracks back to their caverns. So they'll } decide to fight from there. } } How? Well, they'll make efforts to hide from the straws, and instead } of sending oil-n-gas-people up them, they'll send rocks-n-stuff. This } of course, leads to rocks becoming sentient, but that's another story. } } Soon, the humans will have thought that they have tapped their oil } wells dry and go in search of a different fuel. The oil-n-gas-people } will rejoice and do a happy dance. } } You owe the Oracle a fingernail or a hair. --- 992-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Do I exist? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } If you're pink, you must be spam. --- 992-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > All-seeing oracle, what happens to my socks? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, I hate to break this to you, hillary, but bill's not the only one } being petted by another woman late at night. --- 992-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ken McGlothlen The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What *are* friends for? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Beats the heck out of me! I never have been able to figure out all the } complexities of C++ class design. I moved right on to Java, where } interfaces at least make intuitive sense! } } But I digress. Let's go the C++ manual: } } A friend class is a class all of whose member functions are friend } functions of a class, i.e., whose member functions have access to } the other class's private and protected members. } } Ah, that certainly clears it up: Friends are those you can trust with } your private, protected members. } } You owe the Oracle an athletic supporter, and a smile.