From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Wed Apr 22 00:10:29 1998 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.7/8.8.7/IUCS_2.18) id AAA28898; Wed, 22 Apr 1998 00:10:29 -0500 (EST) Date: Wed, 22 Apr 1998 00:10:29 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199804220510.AAA28898@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1010 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1010 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1010 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Wed, 22 Apr 1998 00:10:29 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1010 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1005 83 votes fpnh3 3gxo7 9nze2 89hxg ajjob csvb1 6oCc3 6cvmc 8lpl8 9itl6 1005 3.0 mean 2.6 3.2 2.7 3.5 3.1 2.5 2.8 3.3 3.0 3.0 --- 1010-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Recent evidence has come to light that suggests that pyramid style > chain letters may have pre-dated Dave Rhodes by a considerable margin. > Palaentologists recently deciphered the following, painted on a cave > wall on the slopes of Kilimanjaro. > > MAKE SPIKY CLUBS FAST!!! > > Hello, not-tribe-member. Urk name Urk. Many moons ago, Urk in bad way. > Urk kicked out of cave by Thag. Thag bigger than Urk, Thag take Urk > spiky club, Urka (Urk wo-man). Urk not able kill deer, must eat leaves, > berries. Urk flee from wolves. > > Today, Urk big chief. Urk have best cave, many wives, many spiky clubs. > Urk tell how. > > WHAT DO: make one spiky club and take to cave places below. Add own > cave place to bottom of list, take cave place off top. Put new message > on walls many caves. Wait. Many clubs soon come! This not crime! Urk > ask shaman, gods say okay. > > HERE LIST: > > 1) Urk > First cave > Olduvai Gorge > > few) Thag (not that Thag, other Thag) > old dead tree > by laked shaped like mammoth > > few) Og > big rock with overhang > near pig game trail > > Many) Zog > river caves > where river meet big water > > Urk hope not-tribe-member do what Urk say do. That only way it work. > > (c) Dave Hemming 1998. Circulate how you please, but keep my name on it. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oracle: ZADOC ! Catch Og before he leaves the building. Tell him I need } him and I mean NOW. } } Z: Yes, O He whose whimsy exceeds that of Rush Limbaugh. (exeunt Zadoc) } } Orrie: All right, let's see... where did I put - (knock, knock) Come in. } } Og: Or-a-kul want see Og? } } Orrie: Here, old friend. Read this. } Time passes as Og struggles with the document. } } Og: Og no see grovel. } } Orrie: Very good, Og. Now, how should I respond to his question? } More time passes. Og's brow furrows; his lips move. Finally... } } Og: Or-a-kul try trick Og. Og no see question. } } Orrie: Exactly, my Neanderthal nabob! Now what I want you to do is take } this very special spiky club...no! watch where you point ...okay, } that's better. Now go to the first cave listed, use the very special } spiky club and then return to Or-a-kul. Understand? } } Og: Og understand. (exeunt Og) } } You owe the Oracle a 10K word essay on the disadvantages of } cross-posting stuff from humor.net/chainletters.puke to the Internet } Oracle. --- 1010-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > So great Oracle, how do you feel now that Micro$oft has made this > recent deal with Delphi? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I feel like re-installing the computer industry and trying again. --- 1010-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How should I use BPCS? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } As an acronym for Big Cream Pie Splatter. } } You owe the Oracle some Brussels sprouts. --- 1010-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most wise, before whom Joe from Juno doesn't suck, I ask you to > forgive me for sending mail from a freebie account. Oracle most high, > I come before you as a humble supplicant with the following query: > > I had this wacky dream about the movie Titanic. When I > awoke, I jotted some notes on a piece of paper and > quickly fell back asleep. The next morning (today) the > only thing I could read was the following question: > > Which cost more, the making of the movie "Titanic" or the making > of the ship "Titanic?" > > If you have time, a brief cost comparison would be appreciated. > > humbly awaiting your reply And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Let's have a look: } } Titanic, the Ship | Titanic, the Movie } | } Total cost in $: $7.3 Million | $200 Million } Total cost in lives: 1500 | 0 } Total cost in anguish, | } sorrow, fear and | } other indirect | } effects: 1.6 MTears | 2.1 MTears } } At the current exchange rate for lives, this is getting very close. In } fact, it might be the tears that decide it... Interesting. When all is } taken into account, both cost *exactly* the same. But the ship doesn't } have much of a chance of paying off anymore. } } You owe the Oracle a new handkerchief. --- 1010-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle so great, > whose roast is always medium rare, > who never gets salmonella, > whose cakes are always light and fluffy, > > What's your favourite food? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Actually, you've hit a vegan incarnation here. Not getting salmonella } is a given, though getting the cakes light and fluffy without eggs } takes a bit of effort, and potato starch. } } > Oh no! now I'm going to get lots of moralizing and comments about tofu } } Yeah, Tofu, 250g in a blender with 30g of melted chocolate. Blend till } smooth and then leave to set in the fridge overnight. } } > Bleargh! Sounds awful. Being vegan may be healthy and all that, but } > give me my meat! } } Come on Supplicant, who needs meat when we have Yves veggie dogs. In a } lightly steamed bun with vegan margarine, tomato sauce and sliced } pickle. Yum. } } > Pervert! If God didn't intend us to eat meat, why did he give us } > steak knives? What about cheese then? Ha ha, bet you can't do cheese } > then? } } Well, I admit cheese is a bit of a problem, but macaroni in creamy } garlic sauce, topped with crispy grilled noodles. My mouth is } watering already. } } > Boy, with all that garlic, bet you don't have to ZOT anyone, just } > breathe on them. } } Heh heh. But it tastes sooo good. That's your lot supplicant. And, eat } up, there are people starving in Blackpool. } } You owe The Oracle five gallons of hummus and one gross baking potatoes. } } > Typical! At least he didn't mention lentils. } } Lentils!!!! Lentil Curry at Chutney's restaurant! Slaver! } } > I'm resubmitting. Maybe if I'm lucky I'll get Og this time. I've got } > a whole side of mammoth in the fridge. --- 1010-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O great Or-a-kul > Og here. Og hit Og head club, > Og hurt. Gro-vel good. > > Og lis-ten hai-ku > Og like. Want make Og hai-ku! > Og count syll-a-bull > > Count many first line > Second line many also > Third line, count many > > Or-a-kul, head hurt, > Many syll-a-bull, tell Og > How Og make hai-ku? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } O-ra-kul here. O-ra-kul help Og. Much ea-sy Og make hai-ku. } } O-ra-kul say write first line. Og count one syll-a-bull one fin-ger } left hand. O-ra-kul give ex-am-ple. } } Ogwa my Ogwa } } Now, Og do hard bit. Og write sec-ond line. Og write one syll-a-bull } per hole in Og head. Og head many hole, two ear, two eye, two in nose, } one mouth. O-ra-kul give ex-am-ple. } } Og love Ogwa ve-ry much. } } Last, Og write many line. Og write one syll-a-bul one fin-ger Og } right hand. O-ra-kul give ex-amp-le. } } Og not mind bad smell } } Og do like this, Og make many good hai-ku. O-ra-kul say Og have guest. } } Thag here. Thag come get club lend Og. } } Og not bor-row club Thag. Og club all Og club. } } Thag see Thag club. Thag want club now. } } Og club. Og make self, not bor-row Thag. } } CLUB THAG CLUB. THAG SAY CLUB FIT THAG HAND WELL. THAG ANGRY!!!!!!! } THAG PROVE CLUB THAG CLUB!!! } } } } Og sore. Og write hai-ku help re-lax. } } Big liz-ard walk by } Og think big liz-ard much dan-ger Og on-ly hit small an-i-mal like } Sa-ber-tooth ti-ger } } Og write good hai-ku? O-ra-kul like? } } (sigh) } } Og owe O-ra-kul keep hand a-way small liz-ard. Og put hand near small } liz-ard, hai-ku get much worse. --- 1010-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ken McGlothlen The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Most Wise Oracle, who has no need for kevlar clothing, and can leap > over paradoxes in a single bound; > > Why aren't cars textured? Don't minute ridges and bumps -increase- > aerodynamics? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } If this were true, then Edward James Olmos would be the fastest man on } earth. } } You owe the Oracle a Stridex pad. --- 1010-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: clemenr@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, most educated, could you honor your lowly supplicant with an > answer to this question which most plagues me? A ball is thrown with a > speed of v and an angle of a at a height of h meters. Let g denote > gravity and express your answer (if you wouldn't mind, oh great and > wise Oracle) in terms of v, h, a and g. What is the displacement vector > (in directions i and j, of course) when the ball is at the highest > point of its trajectory? The gradass is coming to get my paper in about > ten minutes so I'd be most indebted for a quick reply! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Math and physics isn't all it's cracked up to be. The Oracle prefers } philosophy, so here is The philosophical analysis of your problem: } } What have we got to work with: The letters v, h, a and g. } An important tool in problems of this nature is substitution, so we } substitute W for V, and so we have W, H, A, and G. } } We can now formulate the problem: } } W - Why are you throwing the ball? } } H - How hard did you throw the ball? } } A - Are you sure it's a good idea to be throwing balls here? } } G - Good grief! Look where you're throwing that ball! } } As for the result of this action, expressed in I and J: } (Expressed by the neighbour, N) } } I - Idiot! Look what you did to my window! } } J - Just you wait! I'll tell your parents about this. } } So, the correct answer to the question is } "I shouldn't be throwing balls at all, lest I risk displacing the } ball into my neighbours living room" } } You owe the Oracle to take a philosophyisics class, so you can answer } these questions yourself in the future. The Oracle does not want to do } your homework. --- 1010-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: clemenr@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Immortal Oracle, please hear and reply to my simple question. > > What attributes did Rasputin have that made him so darn > death resistant? I would like to be as hard-to-harm myself. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It was all magic. Want to know how it was done? Well, I think there's } a TV show on about it. Let's take a look. } } *click!* } } NOW!! FROM THE NETWORK WHO BROUGHT YOU "THE WORLD'S MOST GRUESOME } RECORDED DEATHS IN HISTORY," "THE GREATEST EXPLOSIONS EVER CAUGHT ON } TAPE," AND "WHEN ANIMALS ATTACK XVII: DEADLY ENCOUNTERS WITH LLAMAS," } COMES "WORLD'S GREATEST MAGIC TRICKS AND HOW THEY ARE DONE IX: } RASPUTIN" } } Rasputin...A man who defied death many times. His magical powers saved } the Tsar-to-be's life several times. He survived poisoning and getting } shot. How did he do it? Let's take a behind-the-facts look at: } } "RASPUTIN DEBUNKED"!! FROM THE NETWORK WHO BROUGHT YOU "PLANE CRASHES: } THE MOST FUN TO WATCH DISASTERS" AND "WHEN WALKING DOWN THE STREET GOES } BAD: A LOOK AT THE VARIOUS RECORDED INCIDENTS OF PEOPLE TRIPPING AND } FALLING ONTO 8-INCH SPIKES STUCK INTO THE GROUND"!!!! } } How did Rasputin save Tsar Nicholas II's son from certain death, } several times? Find out after these messages. } } NEXT TUESDAY, AT 8:00 pm, GET READY FOR "THE GREATEST RECORDED } INCIDENTS OF ATTACKING ANIMALS EXPLODING VIOLENTLY IN PLANE } CRASHES!!!!" WATCH IT!!! IT COULD SAVE YOUR LIFE!!! } } We're back with "Rasputin Debunked," here on Fox, who brings you great } quality shows such as "THE WORST INCIDENTS OF PEOPLE WATCHING THE FOX } NETWORK EXPLODING INTO A MILLION BILLOIN TRILLION PIECES!!!" and } "EXPLOSIONS, EXPLOSIONS, EXPLOSIONS!! HOW TO SURVIVE THEM!!!!" } } Rasputin was no more than a power-hungry womanizer. He } } *BOOOOOOOOMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!* } } "WHEN TV SHOWS GO WRONG"!!! AN IN-DEPTH LOOK AT VARIOUS TV SHOW SETS } THAT HAVE EXPLODED DURING THE RECORDING OF THE SHOW!!!! AND STAY TUNED } FOR "THE WORLD'S DEADLIEST EXPLODING..." } } *click* } } I think we've heard enough from the old TV, don't you? Man, those } shows are stupid, don't you think? They serve no purpose whatso . . . } OH MY GOD!! LOOK OUT FOR THAT GIANT LLAMA BEHIND YOU!!!!! --- 1010-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Most Wise Oracle, > > Why does Hollywood have a huge sign above it stating its name? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } (Blackout. Focus fade to FAMOUS ACTOR, played by Tom Cruise or, } if he's available, Brad Pitt, lying on the floor. His clothes are } dissheveled, his hair is mussed and his eyes are bloodshot. In short, } he looks very hung over.) } } (FAMOUS ACTOR rolls face up, sits up and runs his hands over his face.) } } FAMOUS ACTOR: Ugh. Where am I? } } (The camera pans around the room. It is an utterly generic motel } room with no distinguishing characteristics. There are a couple of } empty vodka bottles on the floor. The camera rests for a moment on } the window. The curtains on the window are closed. Cut to-) } } (Full screen shot of FAMOUS ACTOR. He stands, stumbles over to the } window and pulls open the curtains. Cut to-) } } (Wide shot of the famous HOLLYWOOD sign. Pause for a few moments, } then cut to-) } } (Tight shot of FAMOUS ACTOR's face.) } } FAMOUS ACTOR: Oh. (Beat) Now how did I get here? } } You owe the Oracle the script to Oracle: The Motion Picture.