From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Wed Jul 15 08:39:49 1998 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.7/8.8.7/IUCS_2.18) id IAA19975; Wed, 15 Jul 1998 08:39:49 -0500 (EST) Date: Wed, 15 Jul 1998 08:39:49 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199807151339.IAA19975@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1031 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1031 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1031 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Wed, 15 Jul 1998 08:39:49 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1031 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1026 101 votes 9iqxf dBrh7 ikGj2 2pEr7 4awzk cwqr4 8uCi7 gfxqb 3bsDk 8qEn4 1026 3.0 mean 3.3 2.7 2.7 3.1 3.6 2.8 2.9 3.0 3.6 2.9 --- 1031-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Bill McMillan" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle who should be Launched into Eternity as a reward for your > brilliant wisdom which you share so willingly with us Lowly Mortals; > > During the French Revolution it was said: "The best goddesses is > Reason, though her teeth are a little defective." > > What in the heck does that mean? > > I thank you Wise Oracle for your answer. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I never agreed with that. Reason was one of the dullest of the } goddesses. You see what happened is she was the most USEFUL goddess. } You see, Reason always tended to side with the smarter people. So after } a while the smarter people started to use Reason against the dumber } people to get thier own way. And of coarse wise-sounding sayings } like the one you mentioned are always coined by the smarter people. } (No one would listen if a dumber person tryed to.) } Unfortunetly She took sides in to many petty squables and she } began to loose her credibilty as a goddess. Nowadays nobody listens to } Reason. As for her teath...It's not realy a topic of discussion for a } family service like this, so I'll let you work it out yourself. } } You owe the Oracle a promise that you won't try to 'launch' him } ANYWHERE. --- 1031-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mighty knowledge-master-person, who, being omniscient, is sadly > unable to avoid seeing children's television, what are the lyrics to > the Mr. Roget's Neighborhood song? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, Mr. Rogets. I hadn't pondered that AI attempt in years. } For those of you that didn't have satellite dishes in 1972, } Mr. Rogets was an attempt to use early AI programs to upgrade } the educational level of children's TV. A Noble Goal. Didn't } work, and you'll soon see why. BUT it was the precursor to } successful kids' educational shows like Sesame St. and All of } My Children. } } Here's how it worked. } } Original text in: } ------------- } It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood, } A beautiful day for a neighbor. } Would you be mine, } Could you be mine, } Won't you be my neighbor? } ------------ } } Then this type of stuff would come out: } } ------------ } It's a(n) exquisite, attractive, handsome, becoming, shapely, } engaging, captivating, bewitching unit of time equal to twenty-four } hours, or the time it takes the earth to rotate once on its axis } in the vicinity, community, district, area. } } A(n) excellent, superior, magnificent, first-rate, first-class, superb, } fine period between two successive midnights in the quarter, locality, } or precinct. } } Would the person or persons being addressed be a deep hole or system of } holes made in the earth, from which mineral substances such as gold, } coal, or precious stones are extracted i.e. a(n) quarry, colliery, } excavation, well, pit, or tunnel, } } Could the person or persons being addressed be a deep hole or system of } holes made in the earth, from which mineral substances such as gold, } coal, or precious stones are extracted i.e. a(n) quarry, colliery, } excavation, well, pit, or tunnel, } } Won't the person or persons being addressed be a fellow human. } who demonstrates kindness and friendship toward others? } ------------ } } It just took too much de-bugging by hand to be commercially viable. } } You owe the Oracle a sweater. --- 1031-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dog here! > Whimper, whimper. Cower, cower. > Arf arf arf, bark bark bark. Grrrrrufff? Ruff, grrch, arf. Haarrrruff > woof grunt snort whimper? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Good boy! You grovel better than most humans. To answer your first } question, I'd definitely recommend either the inside of your master's } shoes, the foot of his bed, or in the dishwasher if you can get to it. } For your second question, it's not that the other animals dislike you, } it's just that your outgoing, friendly nature generally gives them the } impression that you are going to trample or devour them. I'm afraid } that's just the price you have to pay for being a dog. } } You owe the Oracle a biscuit. --- 1031-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > 101001001010001010100011001100001011011101001010011000010101100001101110 > 011001010100001011011000101100000101101101010011001110110100101010101110 > 001101010101010101010101010110101001101010101010111000101010001101001010 > 100101101010010101011010101010101010101010101001011001011011001011010100 > 101010110010101011001010101010000010101011110010101010011010100110101001 > 100101010101010000010110100101010101101000110101 And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Talk about an over-byte! --- 1031-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What do you think this is, Storytime? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You seem to be under a delusion of confused subject } matter. Let's examine the contents and make comparisons. } } Storytime (P.B.S.) | Oracletime(R.H.O.) } ---------------------------+--------------------------- } Any kind of Dog | Any kind of Og } The Art Lesson | The Zot Lesson } A Big Fat Enormous Lie | Orrie Never Lies } Chicka Chicka Boom Boom | Lisa } Dinner at the Panda Palace | The Pandas Must Die } The Fortune Tellers | "Tell me" } Franklin in the Dark | Infocom Games } Goldilocks and the Three | Orrie and the Many } Bears | Neanderthals } Go Away Big Green Monster | Go away Juno Questions } Gorilla | Gorilla Arm Jargon } Grandma's Cat | Shrodinger's Cat } Hey Bug! | Hoi Zadoc! } The Little Red Hen | Marxist One-liners } Ollie Knows Everything | Orrie Knows Everything } Prize in the Snow | Writing Names in the Snow } Rumplestiltskin | Must kill. Rips ten. } Secret Place | Secret Priests } The Seven Chinese Brothers | The Tao of Hot Dog Vendors } Super Dooper Jezebel | Lisa (again) } What's Good/What's bad | The Crossover Questions } Winnie the Witch | Winnie the Pooh Does Roo } } and the Number one difference between Storytime and Orrietime: } } Too Many Tamales | Too many W**dch**k Questions } } You owe the Oracle the complete collected works of } Theodore Seuss Giesel and A. A. Milne. } } I know this wasn't particularly funny, but _you_ didn't } grovel either. --- 1031-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > TO: I. ORACLE > FROM: AGENT OMEGA, MiB > > DEAR SIR, > IT HAS COME TO OUR ATTENTION THAT YOUR GREEN CARD, ALLOWING YOU TO > WORK HERE ON EARTH, IS ABOUT TO EXPIRE. PLEASE EITHER CONTACT OUR > DEPARTMENT PROVING HOW YOUR CONTINUED SERVICE HERE OF PROVIDING ADVICE > IS BENEFICIAL TO EARTH, OR RETURN TO YOUR PLACE OF ORIGIN. > > WHILE WE ARE AWARE THAT YOUR CURRENT HOME PLANET/GALEXY/DIMENSION > IS CURRENTLY BEING RUN BY HYPER-INTELIGENT WOODCHUCKS, WE MUST INSIST > ON ALL LEGAL RULES AND REGULATIONS, AS SET OUT IN SECTION 12 OF TREATY > 3239A BETWEEN EARTH AND THE EMPIRE OF HYPER INTELLIGENT WOODCHUCKS, BE > CARRIED OUT. > > HOPING FOR A QUICK SOLUTION TO OUR MUTUAL PROBLEM, > AGENT OMEGA > MEN IN BLACK > EXTRATERESTRIAL LABOR DIVISION > > ______________________________________________________ > Get Your Private, Free Email at http://www.hotmail.com And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } How is my continual advice here on earth of service to you measly } mortals? Who was it who advised you 'Men in Black' about free email } providers, saving you five million dollars annually over your previous } AOL accounts? } } But seriously, if I wasn't here, who would have advised Bill Clinton to } make his moves on Monica Lewinsky in a private room at the White House } rather than at a public press conference as he planned? Who would have } advised the American Government that swapping the US$ for Indonesian } Ringgits was a *really* bad idea. Who would have advised Boris Yeltsin } that pouring the entire USSR grain harvest into the Caspian Sea in an } attempt to brew whiskey was a definite no-no, and would have tasted } horribly salty to boot. Who would have stopped Her Majesty the Queen } putting on a lycra minidress and auditioning for Geri's place in The } Spice Girls. } } Furthermore, in the future, I will be of use to the people of Earth in } the following ways: } } (i) I will appear on television advising children to eat all their } vegetables. I will be on hand to prevent the mass defoliation that will } result when the children take me just a little *too* seriously. } } (ii) I will singlehandedly put Yugoslavia back together, causing such } vibrant ethnic harmony that the Serbian Prime Minister will jump on the } Bosnian President and frantically frottage him on live television. } } (iii) I will solve all your dwindling fuel supplies problems by } inventing a car than runs on discarded McDonald's food packaging. I'll } also solve your race's entire food poisioning problems by encouraging } McDonalds to cut out the middle step and go straight into fuel } delivery. } } (iv) I will not only bring the bald eagle back from the brink of } extinction, but design a line of great little wigs that won't fall off } in flight. } } (v) I will speak at the next convention of the Klu-Klux-Klan so } convincingly explaining the error of their ways, that white hooded } figures frantically dancing will become a cliche in rap videos. } } And finally, I will save your accountants migrane headaches by reducing } your cash reserves by the entirely reasonable amount of five million } dollars. --- 1031-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING > !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! > > If you get an email in your mailbox with a subject of 'Answer #QaXXXXX, > The Oracle requires an answer to this question', WHATEVER YOU DO, DO > NOT OPEN IT. The message is a deadly virus that will trash your hard > disk, post all your files to non-binary newsgroups, and completely > obliterate your spare time. > > WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T OPEN THE MESSAGE. > > THIS IS IMPORTANT!!! COPY THIS EMAIL AND TELL ALL YOUR FRIENDS!!! DON'T > LET YOUR FRIENDS BECOME A VICTIM OF THE INTERNET ORACLE VIRUS. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear supplicAAAAAAaaaaaguuuuuggggh..... --- 1031-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, commander of chefs; > > What is the difference between a colonel and a kernel? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The difference, my little finger-licker, is in whether you're } eating the chicken, or the chicken's eating you. } } You owe the Oracle a big bucket of cole slaw. --- 1031-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING > !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! > > If you get an email in your mailbox with a subject of 'Answer #QaXXXXX, > The Oracle requires an answer to this question', WHATEVER YOU DO, DO > NOT OPEN IT. The message is a deadly virus that will trash your hard > disk, post all your files to non-binary newsgroups, and completely > obliterate your spare time. > > WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T OPEN THE MESSAGE. > > THIS IS IMPORTANT!!! COPY THIS EMAIL AND TELL ALL YOUR FRIENDS!!! DON'T > LET YOUR FRIENDS BECOME A VICTIM OF THE INTERNET ORACLE VIRUS. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hello there, Zadoc here. The Oracle is with Lisa, um, er, well, } pondering the imponderables, and He left me to look after the queue } until he's back. Hmm, sounds important... However, I don't think it } applies to me. In His infinite and ineffable wisdom, I am only allowed } to write responses by hand-carving them onto stone tablets, translate } them into ASCII using an abacus, and entering the bits on an electrical } toggle-switch, which is connected to a modem I hand-wired on a } protoboard. It's rather slow-going, but "the Oracle knows best", at } least if I want to keep my component molecules in the same building. } So, there's no hard disk or files here. And He makes completely sure } that my spare time is obliterated, especially since he caught me } spending it with Lisa, who's certainly worth her weight in spare } time... } } "Yo, Za-dude!" } } Kendai!?! What are you doing here? I thought you were a short-lived } fad that had faded into the back issues of the Oracularities. } } "Well, I noticed that Orrie's Omniscient Friends Network drive wasn't } plugged in, and I figured the O-dude wouldn't be back to notice for a } while..." } } No! That's the Oracle's entire base of knowledge, without which he'll } have to invent humorous but wildly inaccurate responses to the } questions he gets! You don't understand, there's a virus and it'll -- } } (worm@oracle)% Incoming email... } (worm@oracle)% Subject: Answer #Qa1138, the Oracle requi... } } (worm@oracle)% Overwriting all files now... } (worm@oracle)% Your system is now obliterated. Have a nice day. } } Oh boy. The Master isn't going to like this... } } You owe the Oracle all of the knowledge in the universe. You also owe } Zadoc a plane ticket to anywhere outside of Indiana. Anywhere at all. --- 1031-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, you that I am assuming does not want to see humans die > by the train-load, you that are Smart and has never been 86'ed; > > What will be the ramifications on the world at large when Popocatepetl, > the 5465 meter, very active, volcano near Mexico City goes off? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Top 10 Ramifications of Popocatepetl Erupting } --------------------------------------------- } } 10) New fast food craze, 'Sulphur Smoked Tacos' sweeps world. } 9) After hot sulphurous gases released, common phrase, 'Hey meester, } you want to play weeth my seester?' replaced with 'Hey meester, you } want to pop my seester's bleesters?' } 8) Newly delivered Mexico constructed VW Beetles noted to be driving } up to 50 miles before first refuelling. } 7) Top 10 lists shortened to 4 by volcanic bomb falling } }