From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Fri Aug 7 07:35:43 1998 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.7/8.8.7/IUCS_2.18) id HAA16313; Fri, 7 Aug 1998 07:35:43 -0500 (EST) Date: Fri, 7 Aug 1998 07:35:43 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199808071235.HAA16313@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1039 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1039 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1039 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Fri, 7 Aug 1998 07:35:43 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1039 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1034 88 votes gxoc3 dqsg5 5sDa6 5nwl7 3jzkb 8vtg4 mxg98 cvpd7 2mut5 3hsnh 1034 2.9 mean 2.5 2.7 2.8 3.0 3.2 2.7 2.4 2.7 3.1 3.4 --- 1039-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dr. Noe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most virtually discriminating Oracle: > > I just returned from a tasty and satisfying lunch, but was > disturbed by the fact that my 'Peking Duck' was served with > four drumsticks. What have I really just eaten? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A variant on Peking Duck, this recipe is influenced by a popular } dish known as Chicken Kiev (a la Tchernobyl). This delicate dish is } notable for its long preparation time - at least two generations of } ducks usually need to be exposed to high levels of radiation before the } proper mutations begin to express themselves. Cooking is relatively } easy - just set the entire countryside on "Medium". Beware of } multi-limbed waterfowl grown in the U.S., as they may have been } injected with mutagenic chemicals to speed up the process. In any } case, you don't need to worry about the safety of the food, but if you } happen to develop superpowers, please use them for Good. } } You owe the Oracle an order of Twice-Chewed Chicken and a fortune } cookie. --- 1039-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: surfbaud@waverider.co.uk (Dave Hemming) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, you awakest us to delight in Knowledge; for you are Smart. > Please know that my mind & heart will be restless, until I have had my > question answered. > > Why do countries spend money developing rockets when the best and > easiest way to get a nuclear bomb to someplace would be to send it by > FedEx??? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } TOP 10 REASONS NOT TO USE FED-EX AD AS WEAPONS DELIVERY SYSTEM } Prepared by I. Oracle for DOD review. } } 1. Sometimes "absolutely, positively has to be there overnight" just } isn't quite expedient enough in a global theater. } 2. Suspected interference with those cute little tracking pads. } 3. Obviously not redundant enough. Each truck/van would require } an additional engine, 4 additional tires, two drivers, and } a chase truck, for optimum delivery. } 4. Cost is unreasonably low, unless we get rid of that stash of } hammers by sending a few with every package. } 5. FedEx representatives have never sponsored a meeting at } a popular golf resort for the procurement staff. } 6. Drivers in testing grew bald, toothless, and unstable after } a matter of weeks. } 7. Not enough support crew needed to justify budgets. } 8. They don't look as pretty as rockets, unless you get Arlene, } but I think she's getting married and quitting her route soon. } 9. Tracking system is too acessible, enemies might return/reject } package prior to delivery. } AND..... } 10. It's more fun to strap w__dch__ks to rockets. (The FedEx people } were complaining about the teeth marks.) } } You owe the oracle a bigger club than the other guy's, preferrably } several times bigger than his current club, as well as several } thousand backup clubs in case he clubs me first. --- 1039-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Rich McGee The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > It's 9:00 on a Monday > Regular staff shuffles in > There's my old boss, standing over me > Making noise about deadlines again > > He says "Son, you're just worthless and lazy, > In life I can't say where you'll go, > but by the end of the week, if this work ain't complete, > I'm throwing you out on your nose!" And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "I said 'Crack the ol'whip, you're the Boss Man } Crack that old whip today } My deadline is unacheivable } But I'll work on throughout the night" } } Oooo La La La dee dee Da } O La La La dee dee Da, Da Dum } } Now Betsy ol' girl, is a friend of mine, } She gets me my coffee or tea } Or she sits her chair, just doing her hair } Thanking her stars that she isn't me. } } She says "Orrie, this will be the end of me" } As the smile went away from my face } "I think Lisa knows what we're up to, and } I've got to get out of this place!" } } Oooo La La La dee dee Da } O La La La dee dee Da, Da Dum } } Here's Ned, the company tech-noid } He complains, says I'm going to jail! } He seems to believe I've too much to read } and removes my Internet email. } } Write answers now, you Oracle-dude! } Write all the answers you can! } You've used all of our server's time } From this office now you are banned! } } You owe the Oracle a job, preferably with Internet access. --- 1039-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Great Oracle, whose large fleet of snazzy cars get 100 mpg in the > city and 350 mpg on the highway, will you tell me why people with > over-engineered trucks (such as Sport Utility Vehicles) will slow down > to a crawl when going over a speedbump in a parking lot? Do they > think that their truck is unable to handle lumps in the road, even > though they are designed to roll through fields and over pedestrians? > > Thank you in advance, O Mighty Oracle! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A worthy question! If you consult the average sport utility vehicle } manual, you will find under the heading speedbumps: "Gun it man, } just fly over it and leave those dorky station wagons in the dust. } This thing can take whatever you throw at it. Yaaa! Yaaaaaa!" } However, if you consult your average human manual, under the section } speedbumps, you will find: "sudden positive vertical accelerations } followed by sharp blows on the cranium from roofs of sport utility } vehicles will shorten the life of your new human". I don't know what } that's supposed to mean. Just remember, the only reason they put in } a brake pedal is for aesthetic symmetry. } } You owe the Oracle a mauve roll bar. --- 1039-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dr. Noe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, most wise, who can prove that sometimes a cigar is just a > cigar. > > I had a dream that someone was struggling in the middle of an Olympic > sized swimming pool. The lifeguards yelled for everyone to jump in and > help. The pool was suddenly wall to wall people. After a few minutes > the lifeguards yelled for everyone to get out again. The guy that was > about to drown had disappeared. > > What does this dream mean? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Jung proved that all people in a dream are aspects of oneself. Members } of the opposite sex are the part of you that has traits of the opposite } gender. Authority figures are your super-ego. Everyone else is just } plain old you. Locations are your mind. Activities are your mind's } dealings with realities. } } Sooooo, your dream means you feel overwhelmed by life and are worried } about losing it altogether. But you have ample abilities just sitting } there on the side lines, USE THEM! } } You owe the Oracle a pink tunnel, surrounded by bushes and filled } with cream cheese. --- 1039-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, > > I've been reading the oracularities for quite some time. > > since the 100's series. they were original, quick-witted, > bright, and sometimes downright funny. So were questions, > but then the questions donot mattter as the answerer is > after all the oracle. The omnipotent, all-powerful, and > of course the mighty. > > Now that if you notice the answers are neither funny or > sagacious or wise. They are either so stupid that forrest > gump would be like Einstein comparitively. > > If the answer in old days were not possible they would > receive a quick witted or really sagacious one as reply. > But now they are either really run-of-the-mill or plain > **it. > > Possible. Because either the person who answers is dead > and some moron is answering them. But this cannot be as > he is immortal not immoral. Anyways, you cant say the > questions are stupid. Because that's just the point. > Even if the questions are stupid. They should get clever > or atleast funny answer. > > So what's happening out there ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You've -never- heard of the sock fairy?!?!? --- 1039-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Did the earth move for you too? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Actually, the earth moves for me, and *only* for me. When I walk, } I am actually remaining stationary and am pushing the earth and the } rest of the universe around me. I am the center of everything in } creation, probably because I am perhaps the most important person } who has ever existed. Hope that helps. } } You owe the Oracle a cigarette. --- 1039-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most well-read, owner of every text lost in the Alexandria > Fire, master of all tongues and Sage of the Printed Page; > > What will the last book be about? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } An excellent question indeed, my good friend. The last book ever } written will be "Fatten Up Your Brain, Slim Down Those Thighs!" by } Meriwether Twinkle. It will detail psychological methods of } weight-loss by creating negative food associations, such as by covering } your refridgerator with big, scary tarantulas, watching someone } brutally kill your mother with a chocolate eclair, and hiring people to } surround you at meal-times and ask you annoying questions about } woodchucks. --- 1039-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Rich McGee The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > No matter how shifting and unpredictable life may be the Oracle is > always there for us, proud and true and good; > > Are there any gods currently working as gas station attendants in Los > Angeles? I saw the oddest person at the Shell station. . . And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Actually, No Gods are currently working as gas station attendants -- } they tend to have problems in that profession: } } Note, Gods in general have problems in team situations -- being } omnipotent tends to mean you don't have to work together... } } Aphrodite WAS briefly employed by Shell, but she kept violating the } dress code (i.e., that she STAY DRESSED) } Zues got upset at a customer, and toasted several city blocks when } his lightning bolt hit the underground tank } Apollo's chariot makes him a poor choice for working near flammable } chemicals } Mercury keeps mixing up people's change, generating a LOT of customer } complaints } Mars failed to get past the interview stage (MUCH too argumentative) } and the resulting slaughter of Human resources personnel makes it } really tough for him to get an appointment } Vulcan was briefly employed (got handicapped preference) as a } body-shop worker, but his tendancy to use a forge to fix all } problems and (worse yet) to handle customer complaints by using the } customer's lifeblood as a quench lead to a quick end to his career. } Management WAS impressed by the quality of his work, though. } Athena got fired when she advised the boss as to the best management } decision, he took another choice, and SHE WAS RIGHT } } I'm sure you see the trend. The odd person you saw was probably some } out-of-work temple worker... } } You owe the Oracle a fill-up, check the oil and REALLY clean the } windows... --- 1039-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most politically parabolical one, what exactly is the evidence on > Monica's dress? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Monica: I don't see why you keep asking me all these questions. } What does it matter whether I did or not? } } Kenneth Starr: It's *very* important. If you had sex with Chandler } Bing the night before Ross's wedding, that means that next season } the writers are going to try to distract us from that whole } stupid Ross-Rachel mess with one of the lamest pair-ups in } sitcom history: a whiny, scrawny, cleanliness fanatic (no offense } intended) -- } } Monica: None taken. } } Starr: -- And a sarcasm freak whose major shtick is that he has less } success with women than the gay guy on _Veronica's Closet_. } } Monica: Okay, suppose I were willing to state that I did have } sex with Chandler. Could you guarantee me immunity? } } Starr: No, I couldn't do that -- it would look like a quid pro quo, } like I was trying to buy damaging testimony. } } Monica: Oh, cummon. Please? } } Starr: No. } } Monica: Pleeeeeeease? } } Starr: No. } } Monica: Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease? } } Starr: Oh, all right. I hereby grant you full immunity from } prosecution. } } Monica: Okay -- then I did have sex with Chandler. } } Starr: Do you have any physical evidence I can bring to court? } I don't want it to be just your word against his. } } Monica: Well, we took some pictures. [She starts to open up a } manila envelope.] } } Starr [frantically]: For God's sake, put those away! There are } some images I just don't ever want to have in front of my } eyes . . . } } Monica: Oh. Well, how about my dress. [She pulls a dress out } of her purse.] I haven't washed it or anything, so it still } has physical evidence all over it. See -- over here, and } here, and here? Bodily fluids. } } Starr: Um, Ms. Geller? That's spit. } } Monica: Yup. } } Starr: I don't think spit is genetically traceable. } } Monica: Oh. Well, what about this one? } } Starr: Tears. Just what the hell were you two doing? No -- don't } take those pictures out! } } Monica [putting the envelope away again]: I think it was when I } told him we were going to be paired up all next season. He } did a spit take, and then started crying. See, and over there } where your hand is, that's where he had to blow his nose. } } Starr: I see. Well, thank you for your time, Ms. Geller. } } Monica: So you're going to serve him with a subpoena? } } Starr: We'll see -- I still have some other people I need } to talk to. [She leaves.] *Sigh*. [He buzzes his secretary:] } Could you send Ms. Seles in now? Thanks . . . } -------------------------------------------------------------- } } Could you *owe* the Oracle any more stuff?