From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Wed Aug 26 00:10:31 1998 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.7/8.8.7/IUCS_2.18) id AAA01796; Wed, 26 Aug 1998 00:10:31 -0500 (EST) Date: Wed, 26 Aug 1998 00:10:31 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199808260510.AAA01796@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1045 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1045 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1045 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Wed, 26 Aug 1998 00:10:31 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1045 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1040 82 votes bgnkc 38vtb ihlj7 7kwh6 6jzg6 ddEc4 8lqk7 37qrj 5ahuk 2fmxa 1040 3.2 mean 3.1 3.5 2.8 2.9 3.0 2.8 3.0 3.6 3.6 3.4 --- 1045-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Rich McGee The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh perfect source of knowledge, how can I get that dumb secretary I sit > next to at work to stop babbling on about her boring family and their > embarrassing diseases? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Compassion young supplicant, you need to develop compassion. } } Listening to her woes costs you little and can help her much, besides } after she has bent your ear for an hour it is only fair that you get to } return in kind. Tell her how sadden you were to find out your brother's } AIDS medicine never got a chance to work because he got hepatitis C } from one of your mom's needles and your doctor won't let you visit him } anymore because it looks like you contracted TB while you were in the } Congo on that Monkey Eating Tour that you and your Neo-Vampire pals } organized. } } She'll ask to be moved to another cubicle before the day is out, trust } me. } } You owe the Oracle stock in a latex-glove company. --- 1045-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Pal of Neptune, "uncle" of numerous mermaids, Wise Oracle, answer > this for me please; > > Will DNA research ever develop gill-breathing humans that can live > in the sea? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Aw, geez. Another "tell me the future" question. You know, channeling } the future always gives me nosebleeds. It's not easy, you know...so } much stuff is going on all the time that's changing what's going to } happen in the future, it gets to a point where your third eye is just } rattling around in your head like a ball bearing in a spray paint can. } } *Sigh.* Well, here goes. *Hmmmmmmmmmmmm.....BORT!* } } June 11, 2001 - Mapping of the human genome is finally completed. } } August 7, 2001 - Exclusive rights to alter individual genes in the } human chromosome is auctioned by the U.S. Government to the highest } bidders. Due to an unexpected epilleptic seizure during the auction, } the gene that determines development of respiratory systems and oxygen } processing is mistakenly acquired for $785 million dollars by Nestle } Foods, Inc. } } February 7, 2007 - Nestle Laboratories engineers a race of prototype } superfrogs that breathe nothing but Ensure(R) chocolate beverage. } Work begins on an additive to tap water that would cause the same } mutation in humans. } } February 9, 2007 - Work on tap water additive scrapped after Microsoft } Laboratories corners and shuts down all water utility markets, forcing } all world citizens to rely on bottled "Water '07" for food-grade water. } } April 21, 2017 - A woman in Niota, Tennessee, falls head-first into } her toilet and drowns. Since cancer, aging, heart disease, and other } genetic-related diseases have been wiped out, and since cars have been } long since replaced by computer-piloted hovermobiles, the woman was } the first person to die a non-homicide related death in seven years. } In the subsequent Geraldo Rivera special that followed, the public } was outraged with Nestle for not coming up with a way to protect them } from drowning in toilets. Nestle stock plunges 15 points. } } December 11, 2017 - Nestle applies gill mutation to a batch of 750 } prototype monkeys. In four months, the monkeys develop gill-like } appendages that process oxygen from water. Nestle announces that the } human mutation will be available by July 4 of next year. The prototype } monkeys are trained to clean pools and are sold to Club Mediterranee } S.A. } } July 2, 2018 - Syringes containing the human gill mutation are sold } to general public as the "free prize" inside boxes of Cocoa Pebbles. } 2.1 billion receive the treatment within the first two months. By the } third month, treatment is given as a charity donation to needy people } in Third World coastal nations. Nestle stock soars 151 points. } } October 1, 2018 - Mutation begins taking effect. Larnyxes begin } swelling themselves shut, and the corresponding gills that developed } were not processing water. Nestle checks the administered formula, } and realizes their administrative error. The "frog" formula was } administered instead of the "monkey" formula. Four billion people } worldwide now required Ensure(R) in order to breathe. Emergency } shipments of the beverage were rushed to locations throughout } the world, but not before a mass die-off of 3.5 billion people. } Nestle stock soars 57 points. } } December 19, 2018 - As Ensure(R) stockpiles dwindle, Nestle executives, } in a last-ditch attempt to save humanity, engineer a plot to build huge } mobile waterborne factories that will turn the oceans into Ensure, } thus allowing mankind to live forever under the sea. Unfortunately, } before all factories can be completed, gigantic chocolatey tropical } storms begin to ravage the land, wiping out... } } *BORT!!!!* } } That's it...<*snort*> I lost the <*snort*> signal. Ow, geez, that } hurts! <*snort*> Zadoc, hand me a tissue, would you? The whole box? } } Well, there you have it. Some say the world will end in fire, some } say in ice. Looks to me like it's going to end in an enormous ocean } of geriatric energy beverage. } } You owe the Oracle a bag of ice and a cracker. --- 1045-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Most Grand Oracle, please accept this well-preserved cask of whiskey > highly approved by his Excellency the Duke of Richmond who marked it > with the initials L.L. > > I am confused. "To give some one a licking" is negative, yet you > can improve a person by "licking them into shape." > > Could you clarify this for me please, Wise Oracle? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } That depends what shape they are licked into...... } } [Scene: A Television appears suspended in space, it turns on, the } picture clears.] } } Are you fat? Too thin? Too tall? Too short? Not enough muscles? Are you } just the wrong shape or do you possess the wrong number of limbs? } } Then you should try the new medical breakthrough ---- LICKOSUCTION! } } [Fanfare. Animated demonstration starts.] } } See how the hundreds of tongues take body tissue from one place and } move it to another. See the tongues performing the patented Linda } Lovelace twirl, the secret to the effectiveness of ---- LICKOSUCTION! } } [Polka music starts.] } } Just listen to these satisfied testimonials. Listen to Carol Jones of } Oaklahoma city. } } [Supermodel style woman with 48DD, um, somethings, appears on the } screen.] } } Look at my before picture and look at me now. Lickosuction reworked my } life by licking all the excess weight from around my hips and putting } it (smile) well you know where. I had less dates than a paleolithic } calendar, but now I have the DNA stains of five major world leaders on } my dress. Thank you, Lickosuction. } } Thanks Carol, now let's speak to Eddie Irvine of Dublin, Ireland. } } Hi. I had raced in Formula One for five years without a single win. } Lickosuction changed my whole body shape into one that a much lower } profile, and therefore less draggy, Formula One car could be built } around. As soon as the designers saw my new low-profile, sloping body } shape with my elliptical skull, I was on the top of everyone's list for } a drive, and won the championship the next year. Thank you, } Lickosuction. } } Thanks Eddie. Now let's hear a subtitled testimonial from Daisy, of } New Zealand. } } Moo. Moo moo moo moo. Moo moo. Moo moo moo moo moo. Moo moo moo. Moo } moo moo moo. Moo. } } [Subtitles: I was a cow with a problem common to cows. I was going to } have my throat slit and be butchered. Fortunately a friend told me } about Lickosuction, and in three sessions I was transformed into an } exact replica of Sylvester Stallone. At the slaughterhouse, it was } assumed that a mistake had been made and by a 17 - 15 vote, my life } was spared. Thank you, Lickosuction.] } } And thank you Daisy. Yes, LICKOSUCTION, the new way to change your } body, your profile, your species, and your life. Don't delay, be shaped } up today. } } [Television morphs into a space rocket, and flies up into space.] } } You owe The Oracle a carton of kleenix tissues big enough to wipe } saliva off an entire body. --- 1045-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great one, more oracular that the Digests, > > what happens if the condom breaks? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You don't know?! } } What are you doing with a condom if you don't already know??? } ___ } /(, ) /) } / / __ _ _ // _ } / / / (_(_(_(__(/__(/_ } (___ / --- 1045-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most spiffy Oracle, whose ears are as wax candles that never burn > down, answer me this: > Why did she say that? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You never know, but chances are it can be explained by at least one and } probably several of the following: } } She didn't want to hurt your feelings. She wanted to hurt your } feelings. She'd held an imaginary conversation with you entirely in her } head, and what she said was a completely logical thing to say under the } circumstances; it's not _her_ fault that you were unaware of the } conversation. She didn't really mean it. She meant it emphatically, but } now realizes it's best to act as though she didn't. Pre-Menstrual } Syndrome. Post-Menstrual Syndrome. A Syndrome to be Named Later. She's } going insane. She's going sane. She needed to be 'validated'. She's } tired. She got too much sleep. She's hungry. She ate too much. These } affected her mood. You're not communicating with her enough. You're } communicating with her too much. You're communicating with her } just_right, but not about the right things. What she said had nothing } to do with what she wants, but she expects you to discern the } connection between what she said and what she wants, even though, } objectively, there ain't none. } } In other words: NOBODY KNOWS. This includes her. } } You owe the Oracle a promise that you'll remember Bart the Carpenter's } Dictum: They're all insane, so you might as well fall in love with a } pretty one. --- 1045-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hot Oracle, you warm our hearts with your cool insights; > > The Washington Monument, they say they are just cleaning it up under > those 1.3 acres of blue net, but I hear they are redoing the whole > thing... what is going on? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's already in the proper shape. What they're doing now is carving } it, and soon it'll be unveiled as the Clinton Monument... } } You owe the Oracle a milleniums supply of Viagra. --- 1045-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If happy little bluebirds fly beyond the rainbow, why, oh why, can't I? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Insurance reasons. } } You owe the Oracle 3 points. --- 1045-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Blib, bli lib. Ilb lbib bibl bibbil ilb. > Bili blibllbi bliblliil blibl liblb Oracle lbliblbi bliblil > lliblbi blib > blibllib, lib bli bli libl bilb ilblbi. Ilb i blib blib blibli blillib > lillibb lbiblbil lii i liblbi llllbibllib blilbliib. Lib ib lbbil. > blibil blblibl lilli lbbi biblib lbillbillbiilbill bliil bibiiiibi > lbllb blibliilb blibllilblib b, ilbll blibli i l i l lilbiilbiblib > Oracle! Ibl blibl il l ib bilbi b libli blilbiiibliiblibblil > lbliblibilbbi l lbilbiibl blbiblbib bbliblib biib biblbib biblbi > biblkib bib. Bliblllib? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } To Blib, of the planet Bli Lib, } } Yes, Earthlings are fascinated and mystified by your crop circles. For } other design ideas, I suggest some higher mathematical functions, such } as the "Mandelbrot set" and "Julia sets", or other fractal forms (see } attached technical documentation for mathematical definitions). For } more interesting variations, may I suggest a few "tree circles" in the } Steppes in Russia, or perhaps you could even try a "building circle" in } downtown Los Angeles. Don't worry too much about the humans that live } there. If they're stupid enough to build a city on a major fault line, } then they must consider themselves to be temporary. } } The residents of this planet are not yet ready for the initiation of } formal contact procedures. Wait until we replace all our "politicians" } with automated machinery that does the same task. My omniscient self } predicts that this will take place thin about 90 years. Until then, } wear a hat and dark glasses in public, as your large, almond-shaped } eyes tend to give you away. Also, if you wear a "suit" (see attached } image), people will tend to ignore you. Just be careful with your } choice of fabrics. Our technology does not yet extend to that } shimmering, self-cleaning metal-plastic cloth with the shade of silver } that is the latest fashion in the city of Bliblil. Fabric made from } "wool" and "polyester" is best for this (see enclosed samples). The } white accessory known as a "shirt" is best made from "cotton". You may } exercise more freedom of choice for the redundant strip of cloth known } as a "tie". You could put a picture of your leader on this "tie" and } nobody would notice. } } I would be careful about where you park your ships, because some humans } have a tendency to steal anything that's not nailed down. } } Your representative on Earth, the Oracle. --- 1045-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > When will I have enough disk space? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } We are sorry to inform you that your recent query to the Internet } Oracle, question #Qa27107, cannot be answered, as it was deleted from } the Oracle's question queue on 24 Aug 98 in order to save disk space. } } If the question is very important to you, please feel free to resubmit } it to the oracle at . } } Sincerely yours, } } the Oracle staff --- 1045-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle moist wipe, > > Eye thing they're as something rung wit by voice wrecked ignitions > off there. > > Peas, can ewe hell me. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Internet Oracle sud jests ewe sea as peach there a pest.