From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Thu Sep 3 00:10:31 1998 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.7/8.8.7/IUCS_2.18) id AAA07774; Thu, 3 Sep 1998 00:10:31 -0500 (EST) Date: Thu, 3 Sep 1998 00:10:31 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199809030510.AAA07774@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1047 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1047 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1047 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Thu, 3 Sep 1998 00:10:31 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1047 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1042 81 votes ciri6 37vtb ajrn2 8jwg6 avt83 9wr94 djve4 6fqp9 5gtkb imo98 1042 2.9 mean 2.9 3.5 2.9 2.9 2.5 2.6 2.7 3.2 3.2 2.6 --- 1047-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: surfbaud@waverider.co.uk (Dave Hemming) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What does it mean to be incarnated and/or a priest? I need to decrease > the number of ? in my geekcode and I need assistance. > > Thank you, thank you. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh Puling Supplicant, to answer your trifling question I have summoned } the Wise and Pious Nadeem. Nadeem is a priest of long standing, having } once served in Zadoc's role before I graciously allowed him to retire } to latrine duty where he reports to be "outstandingly rhapsodic." } } First, please, to place hands on ground. Then to place forehead } between hands. Is important, please, to not bend knees, but to keep } soles of feet flat upon ground. } } Next to recite Magna Carta from memory. Backwards. In Sumerian } vulgar. Score to be based on volume and quality of glottal stops. } } Last to take long slivers of wood, please to be soaked in pitch. } Slivers to insert in web of skin between forefinger and thumb. } Please to ignite slivers at opposite ends. Then to wave hands in } circular pattern singing all songs from "Paint Your Wagon." } } Please to thank Supplicant for question. Is not answer, is merely } beginning. } } Please to owe Oracle larnyx of Clint Eastwood, so that worthy may } never again attempt to sing songs from "Paint Your Wagon." --- 1047-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, > tell me whether F. will cheat on me! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I'm afraid he already has, you've got to keep a better eye on those } Russian chess players. Look... } } YOU F. } --------------- } e4 c5 } Nf3 d6 } d4 cxd4 } Nxd4 Nf6 } Nc3 g6 } f3 Bg7 } Be3 O-O } Qd2 Nc7 <<<------ See, right there! THE BLOODY CHEATER! } Bc4 a6 } Nxc6? bxc6 } O-O Nd7 } f4 Nb6 } } I recommend you stick it to him with the ol' swap a bishop for the } queen under your sleeve, he won't notice. } } You owe the Oracle a few more pawns. --- 1047-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Totally Huge Oracle, you are immense without being fat, something my > own mother-in-law could never hope to contemplate. I am not only tiny > but tinny, with a voice that makes Mickey Mouse sound like Ian Wallace. > (You remember him, of course, the bass baritone for whom Michael > Flanders and Donald Swann wrote the Hippopotamus Song, also known as > "Mud, Glorius Mud".) You are indeed fortunate not to hear me sing, > even in the shower. > > What I need to ask you has nothing to do with music, or even with my > singing. Instead, it's about everyone's worry, MONEY. I find that > once again I am short of cash, and need to stoop to doing work or > whatever, maybe something legal this time. > > I've seen a lot of ads spamming my e-mail, asking me to sign up with > them to make a gazillion bucks. I bet they want me to invest in a > gullibium mine or something. But they can't ALL be frauds, can they? > Is there one of them that you recommend I use to alleviate my poverty > (rather than augment it)? What should I do to increase my meagre > wealth? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, dear. All those magicians, at least ONE of them must be doing } real magic. } } Anyway, let's scope out your inbox and see what we can find here. } } > MAKE MONEY FAST!!!!! } } Rule #1: Any subject with more than one exclamation point needs to take } a Valium } } > TOTALLY LEGAL WAY TO GET RICH } } Rule #2: If legality is on their minds, it's probably not. } } > 10 Million Internet Addresses for just $10 } } Rule #3: Apparently, the only way to get rich off the Internet is to } sell Internet. Thus, buying is a poor choice. } } > Hot Stocks Guaranteed Next AOL } } Rule #4: You only make money on a stock if other people are interested. } If you're not interested in this spam, neither is anybody else. } } >YOU CAN EARN 50,000 OR MORE IN THE NEXT 90 DAYS !! } > } >You can earn $50,000 or more in next the 90 days sending e-mail, seem } >impossible? Read on for details } > } > "AS SEEN ON NATIONAL T.V." } } Rule #5: Oh, it's on TV. That must make it a good thing. Like } Roseanne. } } Oh, well. With a little practice, I'm sure you'll have those burgers } flipping just right every time. } } You owe the Oracle a quarter pounder with extra ketchup. --- 1047-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most omnipotent Use^H^H^HInternet Oracle who always > knows where his towel is, though certainly this lowly supplicant > would provide one, please enlighten me. > I really like this girl, but she has no time for me, > being entirely devoted to her family, church, job, and pet woodchuck. > What shall I do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } [Scene: the Oracle's domain.] } Hmm. I give a 6 out of 10 for groveling. Good reference, but it } ends too quickly. Next time, try adding, "but of course my towels } would be unworthy to mop off moisture from your--but I digress" and } continue from there. Anyway, my first plan was to ZOT the girl for } the woodchuck thing, but I suspect you wouldn't be satisfied with } that solution. Also I don't want to overuse our cliches; you know we } don't have any to spare. } I can hear you snickering. Stop it!! } Where was I? Ah, yes, the girl you love. You'd be surprised how } often I get that sort of question. [sits down in front of a notebook } computer] I swear, this is the seventh one in the last 3 hours. } I've finally decided to write an automated response generator to } save myself some time so Lisa and I can--eh, there's another cliche. } I've got to watch myself. } [The most omnipotent Use^H^H^H^HInternet Oracle activates the computer.] } > Please enter question: } OK. "Girl...no time...devoted...woodchuck...What shall I do?" } > Processing... Please wait... } [taps finger] } > Processing... Please wait... } [gets out a yo-yo] } > Processing... Please wait... } [plays Solitaire (with actual cards); wins before lifting the first } card] } > Processing... Please wait... } Wait, this is my Win95 computer. [flinches at the realization of another } cliche's arrival] Hang on. [pushes it away and gets another] } > Please enter question: } Grr. "Really like...entirely devoted...family, church, job...What shall } I do?" } > Processing... Please wait... } It better work this time. } > Process complete. Answer follows: } Finally! } > "To your win love, simple take or course and best to never be touching } > both horizontal." } ...What the heck was that?! Let me try again. } > "If you wishing to hold love in your hand, idea is to find and take } > eleven of thing like her." } OK, once more. } > "It is the wise most of moves to be filling your love's computer with } > lighter fluid." } [long pause] Well, there you have it. Better get some lighter fluid. I'd } better go talk to Zadoc about this stupid--aaugh, *another* cliche! } } You owe the Oracle (incarnated as Shay_Caron@letterbox.com) any AI } you've got lying around the house. And when you bring it over, take } some of our cliches with you when you leave, all right? --- 1047-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most fiendishly clever and stunningly cunning... > > Thanks to my heavy put recommendations on the Rusiian stock market, I > have been able to greatly expand my army of Sea Monkeys. Once I have > enough, I plan to conquer the world and finally get a date. > > The problem is that the Sea Monkeys are unresponsive to both verbal > commands and hand signals. I tried to use an ordinary riding crop, but > I wound up with a wet crop and a lot of dead Sea Monkeys. > > So how would You, in your power and wisdom, recommend that I train my > new evil servants? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Mr. Hussein, } } Your e-mail has been intercepted and blocked from being received by the } Usenet Oracle in accordance with Statute 17 of U.N. Sanction Law } #77415-A527, subparagraph D.4.4.7. Communication with Western } omnipotents will only be allowed when the Security Council has deemed } you have fully cooperated with the actions of U.N. weapons inspectors. } } As for the Sea Monkeys in your possession, you should be aware that we } have launched an inquiry involving all member nations to determine if } any country has supplied them to you in violation of Statute 25 of U.N. } Sanction Law #77415-A217, subparagraph X.4.1.2, which, as you know, } states that no food items will be sold to Iraq. Brine shrimp is clearly } listed in the "Four Basic Food Groups Iraq Can't Have" chart we } supplied you. } } Please refrain from being naughty in the future. Or do you forget how } embarrasing it was to have your country get its butt whooped by a bunch } of sissy-looking, blue-helmeted infantry? } } Sincerely, } James L. "Smokey" Barnum } U.N. Undersecretary, Internet Surveillance Division --- 1047-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Gimme an O! O! > Gimme an R! R! > Gimme an A! A! > Gimme an C! C! > Gimme an L! L! > Gimme an E! E! > What's that spell? ORACLE! > Who do we love? ORACLE! > Master of Wisdom? ORACLE! > Bigger than Life? ORACLE! > Spelled with 3 vowels? ORACLE! > > Oracle, Oracle, he's our man, > if he can't answer it no one can! > > It's The San Francisco Forty-Niners, 34, Oracle Priesthood, 0! > The Priesthood has the ball at their own 6 yard line. > It's 3rd and 15, because Zadoc just got caught for a false start. > The two minute warning has just sounded! The game is almost over! > And The Internet Oracle throws off his coach's headset and personally > takes the field! > > What happened next? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } [The Oracle gets the team into a huddle. He speaks]. } } OK, I want you all to remember that Football is a team sport. I want } every one of you to pass the ball to me. Oh, and we need some } diversionary measures. (whisper whisper whisper). } } [The game, and commentary resumes] } } Yes, The Internet Oracle himself has taken the field. He talks to his } team. Jim, what can we expect from this? } } Well Bob, few teams have ever fielded immortal beings. That's bound to } help him tackle with confidence. } } The kick has been taken, wisely at least twenty yards clear of the } position of The Internet Oracle and OH MY THE INTERNET ORACLE HAS } INTERCEPTED THE PASS. HE's running. He's running. It's a touchdown, NO! } The Internet Oracle, despite having cleared all defenders, has run back } from the line, he appears to be trying to run circles around every } opposing team member while thumbing his nose at them. This is rather } bizarre behavior, but it seems to be working. } } Bob, The Oracle Priesthood has generally started acting bizarre. I } mean, even more bizarre than normal. Mark Lawrence is .... I believe } eating dirt. Is that a spoon? } } I believe that's a fork Jim. But look. Kirsten Chevalier and Scott } Forbes have removed all their clothes and appear to be nude folk } dancing. } } And that's not the half of it, it appears that Ross Clement is } attempting to teach the referee a Maori war dance. } } And the ref. is catching on fast, but look at the group lead by Dave } Hemming. I believe that they are building a sand castle somewhere } around the thirty yard line. Isn't that Alyce Wilson digging a moat } around it, and oh my, Steve Kinzler appears to be trying to fill it by, } erm, 'making water'. Other priests, including Joshua Poulson are } joining in and, yes, the moat is definitely filling. Julianna Avedon } has just lit some fireworks, and LOOK AT THAT! It's like the whole sky } was full of red and blue stars. } } Other priests have joined in on the filing of the moat, this is most } strange. I don't believe I've ever seen professional football players } start burrowing before. At least not with ice-cream sticks. The } opposing team are standing around open mouthed and oh dear, look what's } just happened to the one standing open mouthed near Otis Viles. I think } I'm going to throw up. } } But, look at The Internet Oracle, he is now running around the field } on his hands, holding the ball between his feet, but still the opposing } team are at a loss to tackle him. Jim! The Oracle is heading for the } goalposts and .... } } Yes, THE ORACLE SCORES!!!!! The Oracle hopped 10 yards on his right } little finger between the posts, and SCORES!!! The crowd goes wild } including a sizable group of what appear to be Neanderthals in the west } stand who have started roasting a mammoth above a fire fed by cheap } plastic chairs. But with only 30 seconds of the game remaining a single } touchdown, no matter how impressive, will hardly .... wha??????? The } Oracle Priesthood lead 10,000 to 34. The Internet Oracle has scored } ..... erm, .... 10,000 points with a single touchdown. Bob, how did he } manage to do it? I can find nothing in the rulebooks about this. } } Jim, I don't know. It's completely beyond my comprehension. } } PEEEEEEEP!!!! } } Yes, and it's victory to The Oracle Priesthood, with a record score of } 10,000 to 34, a winning margin of 9,966, beating the previous largest } winning margin by 9,812 points. This is certainly a day for the record } books. Tom, are you ready to interview The Internet Oracle? } } Thanks Bob. I'm down here on the pitch with The Internet Oracle. Massed } priests wearing kilts, full face tattoos, nothing at all in some cases, } space suits, animal skins, and three varieties of vegan yogurt are } celebrating behind me, but The Internet Oracle remains tacturn. Mr } Oracle, can you please tell us how you managed to score 10,000 points } with a single touchdown? } } Easy, I am a omnipotent being you know. I can do anything. } } Well, if you're an omnipotent being, why did you need your team to } engage in such a wide variety of diversionary measures? } } I didn't. They just needed the exercise. And Kirsten's and Mark's } underwear, well let's just say that it needed a bit of an airing, to } say the least. And this grass, it's nitrate deficient. The 'moat' } should brighten it up considerably for the next game if you let it soak } through. } } But, why so bizarre diversions? } } You think that was bizarre? You should see what they get up to when } they think I'm not looking. Like *weird* man. } } And there you have it. Another game won by The Oracle Priesthood in the } dying minutes of the game. We now return you to motor racing where The } Internet Oracle has just won at Road Atlanta, oh, and then to track and } field events where The Internet Oracle has won the 100, 200, 400, 800, } 1600, 5000, 10,000 metre and marathon events held simultaneously and } ???????? } } [The announcer falls down in a faint]. } } .... You owe The Oracle a pogo stick and some money for a little wager } I'm going to make with NASA. --- 1047-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dr. Noe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > i need to some essential information,max:20 lines And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } OK, 20 lines of essential information. [claps hands together] Here we } go. } } Whenyou'refirstborn,startcryingorthedoctorwillslapyou.Breathingisagoodth } ing.Whenpurchasingfootwear,besuretogetarightoneandaleftone.Youmaywanttoo } ccasionallygetoffofthecomputerandtaketimetoeat.Ifyoustarttobleedandyoura } rmisnolongerattachedtotherestofyourbody,seekmedicalattentionimmediately. } Waterisgoodtodrink;saltwaterisnotgoodtodrink.Plungingsharpobjectsintoyou } rchestisnotwise.Theoldmedicalvaluesof"bleed'em,puke'em,andpurge'em"areno } longerbelieved;ifanyonetriestotellyouotherwise,runaway.Thatbeatingthingi } nyourchestiscalleda"heart";it'sessentialforsurvival.Ifyoucanreadthis,you } 'retooclose.Theeyeballisaverysensitiveorganwhichdoesnottakewelltoimmersi } oninacid.Quitbeatingyourheadonthewalloverandoveragain;you'reannoyingthen } eighbors.Undernocircumstancesshouldyoutalkbacktoagangmember.Tenlinessofa } r.Let'scontinue.Ifyouareswimmingintheoceanandyouseeashark,youmightwantto } turnaround.Becarefultoavoidreadingsubliminalmessages.Givemeallyourmoney. } Neverpetaflamingdog.Skipoverin-jokeswhenreadingOracleanswers.Putsomespac } esintothisoryou'llstrainyoureyes.Headachesusuallyindicateaproblem.Cleanu } pafteryourselfafterleavingalongtrailofbloodbehindyourself.Helpmeouthere! } I'mrunningoutofbreath!Don'tstickyourtongueintoanactivatedelectricsocketo } ronacoldfrozenflagpole.Onlyfourmorelinestogo.Don'tswearatapoliceofficer, } ajudgeandjury,orsomeonecarryingalargeaxe.I'mrunningoutofideas.Don'tbuyan } ybridgesortheEiffelTowerfromsomeguywearingatrenchcoat.Trustnoone.Keepyou } rhandsandlongclothingoutofheavymachinery.Don'tdrinkshampooorconditioner. } Don'tstickacanofdeodorantinahugebrushfire.Done!! } } [Editor's note: Well, it was exactly 20 lines before reformatting for } Oracularities line-length constraints.] } } Phew! [pant, pant] Oh boy. I think I strained my throat or something. } } You owe the Oracle an inhaler. --- 1047-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Orrie, baby, you really set my sticky bit. I want you to strip > me, mount me, oh yes! But I just heard a rumor that you're one of > those unix. Is it true? Can it never be? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I get back from my vacation(1), unpack(1) and what(1) do I find(1) } in my mail(1)? A new batch(1) of questions, my calendar(1) filled, } and some not so nice(1) bs(1) about the unkindest cut(1) of all. } Well, I have news(1) for you supplicant, that I'm more(1) of a man(1) } that you could ever handle. File(1) this away for future reference: } At(1) this point in my life, my uptime(1) is having a banner(1) year. } From(1) now on(1) you better adjust(1) your schedule, and cancel(1) } any other appointments, because it's clear(1) to me that unless } you're all talk(1), we have a compact(1) to expand(1) our time(1) } together. You pick which(1) locale(1), and I'll help(1) pack(1). } } There was going to be an X(1)-rated version of this answer using: } split(1) } finger(1) } merge(1) } top(1) } join(1) } awk(1) } fold(1) } head(1) } lock(1) } yes(1) yes(1) yes(1) } and } reset(1) } but I left it as an exercise for the reader. } } (1) No this isn't a footnote marker, it's the section of the } on-line manual that these commands came from. } } You owe the Oracle...no, never mind. I had enough fun just giving } the answer. >;-) --- 1047-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: surfbaud@waverider.co.uk (Dave Hemming) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, whose every thought is profound > > I just got a new computer and set up my e-mail account. > To my surprise, instead of the usual "you have Mail" prompt > whenever I get a message, dancing gnomes appear on the screen > singing the following ditty: > > You got e-mail > Jolly jolly e-mail > you got e-mail > A waiting in the queue > > You got e-mail from work > and e-mail berzerk > And e-mail to spam all over you > Poor you. > > No pictures can you get, sorry > your cheapo server is read-only > Just be happy as ET, believe me > No more are you long-distance phoning home > Phoning home > > Phoning home, Phoning home > Phoning home (far as Nome) > By the light of the cathode ray tube tube tube tube > Happy as the day > That your phone bill shrunk - Hooray! > Cause your pals are now e-mailing you at home. > > Gee, can't you just feel your brain shrink a few sizes just reading > that? > > Imagine what that's like 47 times a day - I'm going nuts here! How did > those little bastards take over my e-mail? More importantly, how do I > evict them? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You've got mail from a supplicant } Hip-hip-hip-hooray } You've got mail from a supplicant } It'll really make your day } } Yes, thank you, guys... } } What do you do if his grovel's feeble } What do you do if his grovel's feeble } What do you do if his grovel's feeble } Earlye in the morning } } Hooray, and ZOT him senseless } Hooray, and ZOT him senseless } Hooray, and ZOT him senseless } Earlye in the morning } } SHUT UP! } } As I was about to say, it appears you've contracted the dreaded } Singing Gnome virus. You're not the only one, as you can see. } There's not a whole lot you can do apart from reformat your hard } disk and start all over again, but if you're going to be using } the Net much, chances are you'll just catch them all over again. } If you take my advice... } } Oh, when the priests turn in for bed } Oh, when the priests turn in for bed } We'll snuggle up with Kirsten Chevalier } When the priests turn in for bed } } ...you'll just ignore them. They get bored after a while and... } } How much would that woodchuck in the window } How much, oh how much would he chuck } How much would that woodchuck in the window } We really could not give a... } } WATCH IT! } } We're so sorry } Oh, so sorry } We're so sorry we almost got rude } Now old Orrie's } Going to be in such a rotten mood } (La la la la la, but he always is) } } Or then again, perhaps not. } } By the way, I probably shouldn't mention this, but the rumor is } that the Singing Gnomes virus is being spread on the orders of } Bill Gates, to get back at people for all those cracks about } Microsoft products over the years. I'm not going to confirm this } one way or the other, because the rumor goes on to say that people } who continue to incur the Geek Supreme's wrath get punished with } a far, far more terrifying visitation. It's called... } } Mine eyes have seen how tacky are the products of Bill Gates } He just keeps on making garbage each computer user hates } But already he is richer than the whole United States } And the dough keeps rolling in } } Glory, glory, MS Office } Left my desktop in a right mess } Down the toilet goes my business } And the dough keeps rolling in } } ...Outlook. Don't say I didn't warn ya. } } You owe, you owe } You owe the Oracle } A virusguard, two pounds of lard } You owe, you owe, you owe } } You owe, you owe } You owe the Singing Gnomes } A date so swell with Tinkerbell } Or else we'll give you hell } } You owe, you owe... } } Now where did I put my earmuffs? --- 1047-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do birds fall from the sky, > Every time you walk by? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "Just like me... they long to be..." } } ...as far away from you as possible! } } AN INJUNCTION } } Awarded by the Short Circuit Court of Appeals } } Oracle N. Carnation vs. Sue P. Li'Kant } } The court finds in favor of the party of the first part, Mr. Carnation, } heretofore referred to as "Plaintiff and declares that the party of the } second part, Ms. Li'Kant (the "Injunctee") must maintain a distance of } not less than 2000 feet from the laintiff and is banned from all } commerce and discourse, including, but not limited to anonymous } E-mail messages invoking "The Internet Oracle." } } The Injunctee is explicitly advised against inflammatory remarks } such "...Sprinkled moondust in your hair" and is advised to wear } sunglasses to cover the "Golden starlight in your eyes of blue." } In addition, the Injunctee restrained from stalking the Plaintiff and } from inquiring as to whether "All the girls in town, follow you, all } around." Finally, the Injunctee is absolutely forbidden from getting } "Close to You." } } This incarnation has binged and been purged often enough. } You owe the Oracle digestion.