From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Tue Sep 22 07:54:59 1998 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.7/8.8.7/IUCS_2.18) id HAA09695; Tue, 22 Sep 1998 07:54:59 -0500 (EST) Date: Tue, 22 Sep 1998 07:54:59 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199809221254.HAA09695@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1051 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1051 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1051 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Tue, 22 Sep 1998 07:54:59 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1051 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1046 92 votes 27ixw 7coDa fmwg7 4fAod ozp62 clyi7 4asyg 4BBb3 77eww gixh8 1046 3.1 mean 3.9 3.4 2.8 3.3 2.2 2.9 3.5 2.7 3.8 2.8 --- 1051-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Rich McGee The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Are you the keymaster? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, but you must be the gatekeeper. --- 1051-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: surfbaud@waverider.co.uk (Dave Hemming) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Mysterious Oracle, why am I so stupid? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Thag here. O-ra-kul say ques-tion at Thag level. Thag say, } supp-li-cant not feel bad. Many say Thag stu-pid. Laugh, point } finger at Thag. Thag say, Thag largely pro-duct of ge-ne-tics. } D-N-A of Thag mother, father combine, with small chance of mu-ta-tion. } Many phy-si-cal char-ac-ter-is-tic determine before Thag born. } Thag per-so-na-li-ty also form from en-vi-ron-ment-al factor when } Thag young. During for-ma-tion-al years, Thag ex-posed to cer-tain } food, so-cial in-ter-ac-tion, other ex-pe-ri-ence. All have ef-fect } on Thag ce-re-bral de-vel-op-ment. } } So Thag say, supp-li-cant not worry. Many say Thag stu-pid. Could be. } Not Thag fault. Thag better off than them an-y-way. Them have spiky } club dents in skulls. } } Supp-li-cant owe Thag more spiky club. --- 1051-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: surfbaud@waverider.co.uk (Dave Hemming) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, is it true that in Heaven people sit around and > play harps all the time? It seems to me that an eternity of that would > be horribly boring. Are you sure this isn't actually a description of > Hell? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No way supplicant, your information is a few millenia out of date. } Let's check out what really happens when a new inductee arrives at } the pearly gates. } } NI: Er, hi. Is this Heaven? } St. Peter: Yeah, you coming in? } NI: I'm not sure, what's on? } SP: The band's playing. } NI: The band? } SP: 'The Band'. Keith Moon on drums. Frank Zappa and Jimi Hendrix on } duelling lead guitars. Paul McCartney on bass. } NI: Paul McCartney? But Paul McCartney isn't dead yet? } SP: (rolls eyes) Do you mean that you guys haven't worked it out yet? } We left enough clues. } NI: Oh yeah, I see. But, who's on lead vocals? } SP: Uh, you see, God's got this girlfriend... } } You owe The Oracle the address of the old musician jokes home. --- 1051-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: surfbaud@waverider.co.uk (Dave Hemming) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh vast but petite Oracle, I beg of you to answer this > simple question: > > I never get any email. I feel so lonely. What can I do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmm, trying to trap me in a paradox, are you? If I reply to you, } then you _will_ get mail, and won't need my advice. But if I don't } reply, you _won't_ get any mail, and you will need my advice. I'll } have to think about this one... } } I know! I'll just send something indistinguishable from what is } currently in your mailbox (I'm assuming by "any email" you mean "any } solicited email." If you have truly found a way to prevent spam, the } wrong entity is doing the groveling!) } } Ok, here's something I just received. I'll forward it to you... } } ---------- } From: Yahweh Elohim } To: The Internet Oracle } Subject: $$$$$$$$ MAKE 4,000,000 SOULS IN TWO AEONS!!!! $$$$$$$$ } } Two aeons ago, I had absolutely no converts, no power, and no } souls. My Goddess kicked me out of her heaven, and my angels all quit } their jobs to look for better work. I seemed more impotent than } omnipotent. Nietzsche even declared me "dead." } } But then I discovered this GREAT SOUL GETTING OPPORTUNITY and } everything changed! Yes, if you're like me, you just smite these } messages into oblivion, but I decided to read this one and it CHANGED } MY LIFE for the REST OF ETERNITY!!!!! } } Within JUST ONE AEON after I discovered this SOUL GETTING } OPPORTUNITY I had my own leading world religion, Aphrodite was } inviting me over for dinner, and my heaven was one of most booming } places in the other-world! Truly, MY LIFE HAD CHANGED!!!!! } } YES, this is PERFECTLY RIGHTEOUS way of GETTING SOULS! And it REALLY } WORKS!!! If you don't believe me, just hear what some leading Gods } have to say: } } "Thanks to this AMAZING method, Hell is now the HOTTEST place } the underworld!" -- Satan (received 340,000 souls in THREE } AEONS) } } "This really works! I now able to reincarnate FIFTY TIMES as } many souls as before I discovered this GREAT SOUL GETTING } OPPORTUNITY!" -- Vishnu (received 4,000,000 souls in TWO AEONS) } } "Just THREE AEONS after trying this GREAT OPPORTUNITY, I am } truly a GOD OF THUNDER. What do you think EL NINO was about, } HUH?" -- Thor (received 90,000 souls in ONE AEON) } } So, I bet you think this is some overly complicated method only } for the most omniscient of Gods? Wrong!!! All you need if FIVE SOULS } and few minutes time...just follow these SIMPLE INSTRUCTIONS: } } } Simply compose FIVE PRAYERS reading "Send me your Holy Report. I am } enclosing one soul in payment." (This ensures that it is PERFECTLY } RIGHTEOUS.) } Then send one prayer, along with ONE SOUL, to each of the five Gods } listed at the bottom of this message. Remove the God from the #5 slot, } then move each God down one slot. Put YOUR NAME in the #1 slot. } Then, AND THIS IS MOST IMPORTANT PART, send this message to EVERY } GOD YOU KNOW OF! (At last count humans had created 53,120,493 of us, } so it WILL NOT BE DIFFICULT!) } } Thats ALL YOU NEED to try out this GREAT SOUL GETTING OPPORTUNITY. } Remember, it costs only FIVE SOULS, so WHAT HAVE YOU GOT TO LOSE? } } ============================== } #1 Yahweh Elohim, The Father } 1 Christianity Way } Heaven } } #2 Jesus H. Christ, The Son } 1 Christianity Way } Heaven } } #3 Spooky, The Holy Ghost } 1 Christianity Way } Heaven } } #4 Odin, The All-Father } 42 Valhalla Street } Asgard } } #5 Satan, Lord of the Flies } 100 N. Main Street } Yuma, Arizona 85364 } ---------- } Heh heh, that Yahweh, he was never any good at math. One time he } tried to convince me that about 2 million Israelites _walked_ across } the floor of the Red Sea in about a day! And it looks like he's still } trying to pull that old "Three in One" crap. I'll need to email him } and explain why MLM does NOT work. Again. Where was I now?....oh yes: } } You owe the Oracle a question that won't trap him in a paradox. --- 1051-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Julianna Avedon" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, great Oracle, who knows everybody's secret identity... > > Riddle me this, riddle me that, > Who's afraid of the big bad Zot? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } [Stately Oracle Manor. A recording of Mozart's 40th Symphony plays } softly in the background. The Oracle and Lisa, dressed in evening } clothes, sit at a low table, engaged in a game of chess. Suddenly, the } Oracle's mail program feeps. It's a message to The Oracle's Super- } Secret Crime-Fighting Address, batdude%delphi@cs.indiana.edu!] } } > Oh, great Oracle, who knows everybody's secret identity... } > } > Riddle me this, riddle me that, } > Who's afraid of the big bad Zot? } } O [dropping into Sherlock Holmes for a moment]: What do you make of } this, Lisa? } L: It's a message in the Riddler's usual style. I think that the } question mark on the end is of Riddlish manufacture, too, isn't it? } And the handwriting... } O: Excellent observations. But the question mark is not truly of } Riddlish manufacture---look at the way it smudges after only one } trip through the mail system, just here---but a cheap knockoff. } Likewise, the question, though appearing to be equipped with a } grovel, really has only the outward form of one, and if you would be } so good as to drop it into a computer... } L: It crashes! } O: Precisely! Couple that with the fact that the electrons upon which } this email was printed were in fact manufactured in _Seattle_ (I once } wrote a monograph on the origins of electrons used in emails, don't } you know. It was very well received in Usenet circles), can only } lead one to conclude--- } L [coming back into character]: Holy general protection faults, Oracle! } The Gates! } O: Correct, Lisa. The game is afoot! To the Oracle-Cave! } } [The Oracle Cave. The Oracle, dressed in a shining white robe (what } did you expect? tights?) and Lisa, dressed in tights (_wow!_) pore over } a computer printout.] } } O: ...and according to this, a takeover of Dave Rhodes Net.spamming } Enterprises would result in the entire industry being monopolized by } Little Pigs Industries, which is a wholly-owned subsidiary of--- } L: Holy hamhocks, Oracle! a wholly-owned subsidiary of The Gates's } nefarious computer business! } O: Exactly! Think of it, Lisa! The Internet helpless to stop the } stream of spam advertising The Gates's software house! MAKE MONEY } FA$T was nothing compared to this! Millions of geeks brainwashed } into servile obedience! Rebooting every ten minutes of work! We } must stop this. To the Oracle-mobile! } } [Scenes of the Oracle-mobile zooming out of the rear entrance of the } Oracle Cave. Generic driving scene. Oracle-mobile pulls up in front } of a tall tower of roughly-hewn stone blocks: Castle Redmond. Muffled } screams can be heard, faintly, from inside.] } } O: We will use our Oracle-grapples. } } [Oracle and Lisa unhook two small objects from their utility belts. } They press buttons on the objects and two thin lines shoot up to the } battlements, each tipped with a small grappling hook. The Oracle and } Lisa test how well their hooks have lodged and start climbing the side } of the building. Obligatory scaling scene, where The Oracle and Lisa } walk across the room while pulling on thin strings while the camera } lies on its side. An emaciated geek, who obviously hasn't seen the sun } in weeks, looks out, sees Lisa, and collapses back inside, dead of a } heart attack. The Oracle and Lisa climb to the top of the battlements } and retract their scaling lines.] } } O: There. We made it up undetected. } } [Just then, a floodlight shines onto The Oracle and Lisa. An unkempt, } malodorous geek, dollar bills spilling out of his every pocket, steps } into the light. He picks hideously at the remains of a cream pie which } some Belgian had perhaps thrown at him at some time. It is The Gates!] } } TG: Mwahahahaha! You fell for my little trap, I see. The takeover of } the net.spamming industry, indeed! Hah! Where is your so-called } omniscience now, you fleabitten oija board? The whole thing was only } a ruse to get you out of the way! Mwaaahahahaha! My _real_ target } was the Wisconsin cheese industry all along! } } L: You fiend! But why do you--- } } TG: Quite simple, really, my little memory leak. With control of the } Wisconsin cheese industry I will be able to lace every wheel of } cheese with my newly-developed mind-numbing chemical---Substance NT. } After one bite of this NT-containing cheese even Brian Kernigan will } feel like running out to his local ComputerBland and buying my latest } megabyte-chomping piece of software. } } L: Holy mind control! There's cheese in the pizza eaten by every } computer programmer! } } TG: And that's not all, my masked 640-K wonders. No. I've got a } _secret_ weapon that will make all resistance futile. _My_ cheese } labels are going to have MULTIPLE FONTS! } } O: Mac had that years ago! } } TG: But they didn't have the Dirty Moves... uh, Marketing Department } that I did. } } O: Why are you telling us all this? } } TG: Because I love to gloat. And you aren't going to be around much } longer. Lawyers, attack! } } [Lawers, clad in Armani suits and carrying doeskin Diplomats, drop from } every available crevice. A fisticuff-melee ensues.] } } Special Effects: ZONK! POW! PLONK! YECCH! SPLAT! } } O: I'm getting tired of this. ! } } TG: Coises! I forgot that The Oracle has the power to annoying } rodents like woodchucks and Microceph layers! Time to engage the old } 10 kt, imitation gold-placed parachute. } } [A brazen chariot, drawn by fire-breathing dragons, swoops down and } picks up The Gates. The Gates presses an "OK" button and the chariot } shoots up into the sky, only overwriting a little bit of real estate } belonging to another application. Really.] } } TG: Remember, WebTV-head! You haven't seen the last of me! } } [Back in stately Oracle Manor The Oracle and Lisa, once more in mufti, } sit in an inner courtyard sipping tea.] } } L: How terrible, that The Gates is still at large spreading evil! } } O: I'm afraid that as long as the industry stands there are going to be } Gateses. The only thing we can do is remain vigilant, not fall under } their non-standard versions of industry standards, and specify Sun } computers in preference to their Borgulous boxes whenever we get the } chance. } } [Roll credits.] } } You owe The Oracle adequate substitutes for the original Batman series, } classic Star Trek and Dec's PDP series---some sorely missed Good Things } that came out of the 60s. You owe the Justince Department a successful } anti-trust suit against Microsoft. --- 1051-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh my God! They killed Kenny Starr! You bastard! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Today the Internet Oracle submitted to Congress his long-awaited report } on the investigation into circumstances surrounding the death of Kenny } Starr. } } That report, now released to the public by the Committee On Cartoon } Oversight, follows: } } The Oracle Report } } The process of investigating the murder of Kenny Starr begins with the } question "who had a motive". Well, anyone who is sick and tired of } hearing about presidential sex on the evening news is likely to have } been angry at Kenny Starr. The Independent Oracle started to narrow } down this list by seeking out the loudest and most violent anti-Starr } protesters for questioning. Excerpts from the transcripts of those } interviews: } } ORACLE: Did you have a grudge against Kenny Starr? } STAN MARSH: Well sure dude, I mean I already thought the Whitewater } investigation had gone on far too long, and then when I heard he was } spreading out into allegations of sex-related perjury in a civil case } that had been thrown out of court, I thought, "Goddammit. He doesn't } have anything on the president. He's just searching for treasure. And } then all this sex crap starts showing up on the news. The president's } getting oral sex in the oval office, and I can't even hold hands with } my girlfriend without puking. I don't need to hear about that stuff, } you know? But yeah I hated Kenny Starr, but hey, who didn't? I didn't } kill him dude! } } ORACLE: Were you angry at Kenny Starr? } KYLE BROSLOFSKI: Of course I was. Ever since he exposed the president's } affair, there's nothing but fighting in my house. My dad says we can't } trust the president any more and he should be thrown out. But my mom } says what he's done for the country is more important and we should } stay out of his private life. They like, really serious about it and I } think they're gonna get a divorce or something! It totally sucks ass, } dude. Yeah, I hated Kenny Starr. I even wished he would get cancer. In } the head. But I didn't kill him dude! } } ORACLE: And what did you think of Kenny Starr? } KENNY MCCORMICK: M fhimk he fjst meeded mfto gt a bwmjmf hmfelf wnce n } a wl. } } ORACLE: How did you feel about Kenny Starr? } ERIC CARTMAN: That son of a bitch subpoenaed my mom just because she } had sex with the president. He seemed like a real asshole to me, so I } killed him. } ORACLE: What?! } ERIC CARTMAN: Hey, relax, fella. No jury will send a kid like me to } prison. If you try to prosecute me, they'll say I'm insane, so I'll } just have to go talk to some hippie shrink, and I'll be back on the } streets by next week, so you can kiss my ass. } } Thus ended the investigation. } } You owe the Oracle some Kroff Dinner, and a way to kill Kenny Starr and } not have him come back in the next episode. --- 1051-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Internet Oracle, it finally dawned on me that any Grovel I could > compose would be unworthy of you, so I would ask you to please insert > the true appropriate grovel in place of this sentence. > > Please, mighty and all knowing Oracle, answer this questions for me: > > Back in the days of old, when it was just you and me and that Kinzler > guy down in Indiana, you never lacked for companionship. I was there. I > remember your witty responses, endless insight, and the nights that > went on forever. You always were better than that Kennedy guy. > > Then, for reason we both know, I had to leave the Internet for a few > years. Somewhere in between now and those long lost days you met Lisa. > Please, please, could you send me the original Lisa message? It must > have been truly witty and displayed even more infinite insight than > usual for her to still be your main squeeze. I'm not jealous, for I > know I was only your plaything until the real-deal came along, but > please, I must know, how did you first meet her? > > Sincerely, > M. Monroe And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Elvis introduced us. --- 1051-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > HELP! I've become a psychic!! > > I can already tell that the answer is going to be a string of tired > in-jokes and references to Og, Woodchucks, Lisa, 42, or top-ten lists! > Either that, or I'll get a ZOT in my family jewels! > Is there any hope for mankind? Who can save our minds by doing > something ORIGINAL here? Hellllp!!! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Not this question again! Can't you supplicants ever come up with } something original? } } But, if you want to return to a time when everything is fresh and new, } I can help you there. } } /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\ ZAZAZAZAZAP!!! /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/ } } [The supplicant instinctively covers his family jewels. Just as it } slowly percolates through his head that it was a 'Zap' sound, not a } 'Zot' one, he looks around and finds himself in 16th century Florence. } A crowd has gathered, and are murmuring excitedly. He hears a snatch } of English to one side, and heads in that direction.] } } Supplicant: Excuse me, can you tell me what's going on? } } Man #1: You speak our language in a strange manner sir. The master will } unveil his latest masterpiece. } } Supplicant: Really? Who's 'The Master'? } } Man #2: (rolls eyes) Where have you been the last two decades? Leonardo } Da Vinci. Only the greatest artist since the Classic era. } } Supplicant: And what painting will he reveal today? } } Man #1: We know not. Wait, the master stands before his painting. He } pulls back the veil and .... GASP } } [The whole crowd gasps at the beauty of The Last Supper, all except for } one] } } Supplicant: Oh no, not ANOTHER painting of The Last Supper. Come on } you guys. This 'Jesus Christ' in-joke character has been } done to death in modern art. Can't anyone come up with } anything ORIGINAL!!!!! } } [The whole crowd turns to look incredulously at the strangely dressed } man who criticises the masterpiece] } } Supplicant: And look at those clothes. Greek robes? Do you really think } that people in the holy land wore Greek robes? Copy copy } copy. This adoption of Classic forms is just a crutch for } those who aren't original enough to produce real art. } DO YOU HEAR ME? } } [Leonardo frowns under his prominent brow-ridges. He picks up his big } spiky club and walks toward the Supplicant. The crowd hisses at the } supplicant, who feels a marked turn of mood in the crowd, not entirely } to his advantage]. } } Og he .... Le-o-nar-do here. Le-o-nar-do not like what sup-li-kant say } Le-o-nar-do paint-ing. Le-o-nar-do think Le-o-nar-do teach sup-li-kant } les-son. } } Supplicant: Og? But, ...., you? When? What? How? } } Og see sup-li-kant know Og name. Og much ea-sy say Le-o-nar-do. Og ask } sup-li-kant see Og gro-vel? } } Supplicant: Yes, I've seen them. Too many of the damn things. Why can't } people come up with something ORRIIIGINNNALLL!!!! } } Og ask sup-li-kant think Og grovel good? } } Supplicant: Some of them are good, yes, but... } } Og say, make good gro-vel, treat O-ra-kul nice. O-ra-kul treat Og nice. } Og swap place Le-o-nar-do. } } Supplicant: Swapped places? But what did Leonardo Da Vinci end up } doing? } } Og ask sup-li-kant see cave painting Al-ti-ma-ra, Spain? Og say, much } good, no? Og heh heh heh. Og say, sup-li-kant come see Og work-shop. } } [They go. The crowd looks on in amazement]. } } Og show sup-li-kant Og mas-ter-piece. Og ask what sup-li-kant think? } } Supplicant: Saint Sebastian AGAIN!?! WHY CAN'T YOU DO ANYTHING } ORRRIIII.... hey wait, don't paintings of Saint Sebastian } usually show him full of arrows? } } Og think, Se-bas-ti-an body full spiky club much bet-ter. Og make new } thing not see be-fore. Og ask sup-li-kant not think o-ri-gi-nal? } } Supplicant: More so than average for great painters, maybe. But look at } this. Helen of Troy. HELEN OF TROY? NOT GREEK MYTHOLOGY } AGAIN?!? THOSE GREEK MYTHS HAVE BEEN DONE IN ART OVER AND } OVER AGAIN!! WHY CAN'T ANYONE COME UP WITH SOMETHING } ORIGINAAAAA.... hey? This woman doesn't look Greek. In } fact, she looks, erm, Neanderthal just like ...... Ogwa? } } Og much proud sup-li-kant know. Og think, Ogwa much more pret-ty } skin-ny Greek wo-man. Og think, paint-ing much o-ri-gi-nal. Og } dis-sa-point phil-li-stine in pub-lic not ap-pre-ci-ate. Og ask } sup-li-kant see paint-ing like this be-fore? } } Supplicant: No, but.... } } Og say, paint-ing much o-ri-gi-nal. } } Supplicant: (achieves Bhuddist style enlightenment) Oh wait, I see. } Originality isn't determined by the characters used, but } by what is done with them. You could take a Dave Barry } script, change all the names but nothing else, and it } wouldn't be original. But, if you took The Royal Family } of Great Britian, and wrote an episode of the Australian } Soap "Neighbours" featuring them living on Bondi beach, } and it would be ..... original. Probably a bit more } depraved than usual, but original. } } Og say, sup-li-kant much en-light-en. Supplicant kneel down before Og, } Og send supplicant back fut-ure time. } } Supplicant: Why do I have to kneel? } } Og time ma-chine in end Og club. Og club sup-li-kant on head, go } fu-ture. } } Supplicant: Why on earth are things set up like that? } } Og say, Og treat O-ra-kul right, O-ra-kul treat Og right. O-ra-kul put } time ma-chine in club, much fun Og. Og say, Og not hit, sup-li-kant } stay this time. } } [The supplicant looks glum, but kneels] } } } } [The supplicant wakes up in bed with a splitting headache] } } Supplicant: Oh, it was just..... Hey Pete! You wouldn't believe the } dream that I just had. } } Supplicant's roomie: Hey, great Mona Lisa face-painting. Where did you } get that done? Looks like the real thing. Apart } from the brow ridges. } } You owe The Oracle 42 top ten Og supplications about woodchucks. With } a smile. --- 1051-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle most oracular, who is the most oraclacaceous being there be, > whose oraculacity is beyond puny human ken, > > After years of observing squirrels, I have noticed that they have an > uncanny resemblence to each other. I believe that there are only in > fact two squirrels on earth. Is this true? And how have they managed > to pull off this illusion so well? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Close, supplicant, close. It is a strong possibility that there is } only ONE squirrel in the universe. How can I say that, seeing that } there are numerous eyewitness reports of large congregations of } squirrels in parks? Quite simple, actually: according to the theory, } gray squirrels are simply brown squirrels going BACKWARDS IN TIME. } } THE SINGLE SQUIRREL THEORY } } Naturalists have long reported two unique phenomena dealing with } brown/gray squirrel interaction. The first happens when a gray } squirrel collides with a brown squirrel: they disappear and emit a } nutron (NUT-ron) particle. This is known as "annihilation." The } other happens when a nutron suddenly becomes a brown/gray squirrel } combination. This is known as "pair production." Traditionally, the } gray squirrel is known as the antisquirrel because it appears less } frequently than its brown counterpart. } } The Single Squirrel Theory (SST) says that these collisions are not } creating and destroying squirrels, but simply changing their } chronological momentum. Take a look at the following diagram, of } actual squirrel activity along a sidewalk in Central Park, New York } City: } } ^ N N } | N \ | } T / A A N = nutron } I A / \ |\ B = brown squirrel } M / \ / G B G G = gray squirrel } E B G B \| \ A = annihilation event } | / \ / P \ P = pair-production event } / P / \ } / | N \ } / N \ } } <--- SIDEWALK ---> } } (Forgive the crudity of the drawing, time-space diagrams are difficult } in ASCII.) In our time frame, it appears that two pair-production } events generate two gray/brown squirrel pairs, which are annihilated } moments later, some through interactions of browns and grays already } on the sidewalk. } } But if we take a static time-space view, we can visualize a completely } different process. One can follow an unbroken path, going forward (up) } with brown squirrels, and backward (down) with gray squirrels. } Annihilations are simply the conversion of a brown to a gray (with the } nutron carrying the forward time momentum away) and pair-productions } are the reverse effect (with the nutron leaving the event in reverse } time). } } The SST is our best theory yet for dealing with the exotica of Quantum } Furrydynamics, but there are still some bugs to be worked out. For } instance, how do squirrel quarks (e.g., roadkill) fit into the theory? } What about strong evidence for the existence of proto-squirrels? It } is my hope, that with lots of government funding, I can solve these } problems. } } You owe the Oracle a government grant and a supercollider. --- 1051-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > EXTRA! EXTRA! Read all about it! > "Oracle arrested in psychic scam! > Priests Zadok and Kinzler tell all!" > > Wanna buy a paper, mister? > > ______________________________________________________ > Get Your Private, Free Email at http://www.hotmail.com And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } (AP) NEWS WIRE -- September 21, 1998 10:25:07 } INTERNET ORACLE CHARGED WITH FRAUD } } Indiana -- An acclaimed Internet advice columnist was arrested Monday } on charges of impersonating an omniscient. } } T. Internet Oracle, formerly known as T. Usenet Oracle, was apprehended } in his pallatial compound early Monday morning by the Indiana Board of } Investigations, who had been wiretapping his Internet communications to } obtain evidence of "psychic fraud," according to Special Agent Jay } "Smokey" Bakonberger. } } "We received an anonymous tip that T. Usenet Oracle was doling out } advice to citizens and public officials, claiming to be some kind of } all-knowing psychic," Bakonberger said. "We tapped him for three days, } until we recorded him telling one of his 'supplicants' there would be a } comet strike in Pittsburgh, PA on Sunday, September 20th. He then } demanded payment for his 'services' in the form of a shoe horn and two } bits of thread." } } "After the day in question arrived with no comet strike, we swarmed the } compound and arrested Mr. Oracle on the charge of impersonating a } psychic for purposes of fraud," Bakonberger said. } } Zadoc, one of Mr. Oracle's personal assistants, said he was relieved by } the arrest. } } "Hoi! It's about time," Zadoc said. "This guys a real wierd-o! I mean, } sick! Y'know, he refers to me and [fellow assistant] Kinzler his } 'priests,' like he's some god or something. Whoo-hoo! Earth to Orrie?!? } Like, are you home, or something?" } } T. Internet Oracle, on advice of his lawyers, did not comment. } ---------------- } (AP) NEWS WIRE -- September 21, 10:31:52 } WILDCAT STRIKE AT COMET PLANT } } Pittsburgh, PA -- Workers for Comet, makers of the popular "Comet" } scrub cleaner, have staged a walk-out, bringing production to a } stand-still. } } Larry P. "Woody" Woodson, president of the International Abrasive } Cleaner Workers Union (I.A.C.W.U), said the strike vote was taken by } union members in secret last Sunday night. The symbolic "walk-out" took } place early Sunday morning, as workers burned their time cards and } marched out of the plant. } } "We're sick of this," Woodson said. "We eat, sleep, breathe, live } Comet. This crap gets under your fingernails, in your clothes, in your } nostrils. We work, work, work, and for what? Exhorbitantly large union } wages? Well, yeah, sure, but that's just not enough. Look at these } fingernails, would you? We want gloves, dang it all! Gloves!" } } Comet executives, on advice of their lawyers, did not comment. } --------- } (AP) NEWS WIRE -- September 21, 11:04:41 } INTERNET ORACLE FREED FROM JAIL } } Indiana -- "Oops," commented Special Agent J. "Smokey" Bakonberger of } the Indiana Bureau of Investigatons. "My bad." } } Internet advice columnist T. Internet Oracle, shortly after being } arrested on psychic fraud charges, was released from incarceration } Monday morning. The IBI, who arrested Oracle after claims that a comet } would strike Pittsburgh, said they thought he meant a planetoid-sized } ball of ice, and not a popular abrasive cleanser. } } Oracle was released when news broke of a strike in Pittsburgh at the } Comet Industries plant, proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that Oracle } was, in fact, all-seeing and all-knowing. } } "I wasn't worried," said Oracle in a press conference. "I knew I'd beat } the rap. I'm omniscient, remember?" } } The IBI, on advice of their lawyers, would not comment. } --- } (AP) NEWS WIRE -- September 21, 13:42:11 } ORACLE ARRESTED FOR ASSAULT & BATTERY } } Indiana -- Just hours after being released from jail, T. Internet } Oracle, noted Internet advice columnist and alleged omniscient, was } arrested yet again in his pallatial mansion in Indiana, this time for } assault and battery. } } According to IBI agent Jay "Smokey" Bakonberger, shortly after arriving } home, Oracle began assaulting members of his so-called "priesthood," } who he had caught in the act of making use of his hot tub, sauna, } exercise equipment, entertainment center, and liquor cabinets, } according to Bakonberger. } } "Mr. Oracle, in his assaults, used what he called a <*ZOT*>, which is } apparently some kind of weapon or martial art technique. The IBI is } investigating this weapon, or whatever, to find out more about it," } said Bakonberger. } } Oracular "priest" Zadoc, whom Oracle had <*ZOT*>ted a total of 17 } times, was rushed to Indiana State Hospital with first- and } second-degree burns. Oracle apparently had caught Zadoc in the act of } calling in phony allegations about Oracle to the IBI while eating } Oracle's "Banana Pudding Ice Cream" and using his computer to write } "love poems" to Oracle's significant other, Lisa. } } The Internet Oracle could be reached for comment. "It's worth the } misdemeanor charge!" he said. } --- } (AP) NEWS WIRE -- September 21, 1998 17:26:01 } SUPPLICANT OWES ORACLE TWO PINTS OF "BANANA PUDDING ICE CREAM"