From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Thu Dec 17 09:40:10 1998 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.7/8.8.7/IUCS_2.20) id JAA07562; Thu, 17 Dec 1998 09:40:10 -0500 (EST) Date: Thu, 17 Dec 1998 09:40:10 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199812171440.JAA07562@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1067 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1067 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1067 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Thu, 17 Dec 1998 09:40:10 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1067 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1062 89 votes 7lxm6 agkvc avAa2 66Cqd 6ytaa 8isjg 9gslf bjllh 4hyq8 crqh7 1062 3.0 mean 3.0 3.2 2.6 3.4 2.8 3.2 3.2 3.2 3.2 2.8 --- 1067-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O your omniprecedence, wise Oracle, who takes pleasure in > trifling with mortals by intorducing imponderables such > as "dark matter" and "casual day;" I humbly ask that you > please tell me: > > Is there any trademark or copyright on "Vlad the Impaler?" > > My legal department can't seem to answer this one, and we're > really keen on a new line of Beanie Babies. > > Sincerely, > Mr. Witherspoon, Doktor of Evil And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, Mr. Witherspoon, Doktor of Evil, the members of my well-trained } and enthusiastic crocodile-pond^Wurm, uh, legal department have } researched your question deeply, and discovered that no, there is in } fact no copyright on "Vlad the Impaler". Rejoice, Mr. Witherspoon (or } may I call you Doktor?), for the way is now open for your new line of } cuddly, wuddly, and oh-so-saccharinely cute Evil Beanie Babies! } } Other names and themes you might consider: } } Starrie the attack-lawyer } Billg the octopus } Gingrich the newt (retired) } Bluescreen the PC } B1FF the queue-drainer } Kinzler the priest } } There, that should be enough to get you started. } } You owe The Oracle a first-edition "Zog the troglodyte" beanie baby, } from before they make his club look less disturbingly blood-stained. } In mint condition, if you please, and in one of those little plastic } case thingies. } } Hey, everybody needs a hobby! --- 1067-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Did you know that right now, there are about thirteen thousand > non-producing hair follicles on you head? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } All hair follicles produce, it is just that some of them don't produce } hair. In fact, these thousands of "non-producing" follicles actually } produce a little known hormone known as nohairuene. Nohairuene has } many effects, and mainly affects a person's state of mind. The most } pronounced of these effects is a persistent feeling of oppression and } desperation. Fortunately, these unpleasant effects can be countered by } he simple application of a red sports car which can go from zero to } sixty in less time than it takes to ZOT a w**dch**k (although a } spaceship which can reach warp factor 9 may prove sufficient, even if } not painted red), or at least one beautiful blonde under the age of } fourteen. } } Another effect of nohairuene is to weaken a person's awareness } of the objects immediately occupying the space immediately above one's } head. This leads to unexpected and frequent collisions between said } head and said objects, and explains the frequent bruises spotted upon } the pate of a certain incarnation's father. } } Finally, nohairuene can cause a person to consistently } underestimate the perceptiveness of people around the affected } individual. In particular, it create the belief that a toupee (not a } wig, mind you), actually looks like real hair, and not a bit of shag } carpeting which has been stapled to one's skull. } } You owe the Oracle the Starship Enterprise, painted mid-life-crisis } red. --- 1067-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dearest Orc., known as the greatest literary agent to man: > > Can you tell me any themes you found prevalent in Joyce's "A Portrait > of the Artist as a Young Man"? > > Thank you, > Astressedoutgirlwhohasapaperduetomorrow And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The most prevalent theme I found was: } } Cliff's Notes are your friends. --- 1067-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O must beautiful and vivacious Oracle. Whose wisdom knows not its own > bounds. > > I know you get frustrated with all of the idiots who send the question > "What am I thinking?" so I'll give you a change of pace. > > What am I not thinking? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You forgot the comma after "What," and the answer is "Obviously } not." } } You owe the Oracle the broomstick of the Wicked Witch of the West, } but I can only give you a diploma...I can't give you a brain. --- 1067-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How! Have I got a deal for you! You'll get all these nice, shiny > beads for that small, insignificant island over there! You can't > lose with a deal like that! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmmm, I'm not sure I can let it go for that price. Hang on JUST } a minute, I've got to go talk to my manager about this. } } [twenty minutes of "Spanish Flea" on the Muzak system] } } Well, my manager says we don't have any of the base model left. } But we've got plenty of models with the option packages here in } our showroom. Here, now, THIS one is for you! It's got plenty } of roads, a beautiful nighttime skyline, and tinted atmosphere. } It's only $57,000,000,000 -- a real bargain no matter how you } slice it -- but I can throw in a set of mudflaps and floor mats } for free. Tell you what, I'll even put on some undercoating and } fabric protector at no extra cost. No, don't go away -- how } about I throw in these bridges too? Plenty of historic value, } those bridges, great investment potential, too. Only been } driven on by little old ladies goin' to church on Sundays. And } they're just loaded with modern art, painted by some of the } freshest young talent in the business! } } Look, I want you to come away from this deal happy, so if you } sign right now, you only need to put 5% down, and I'll give you } an incredibly low 1.9% finance rate, compounded diurnally. I } can only give you this deal if you sign right now, though, 'cause } this is one hot property and it could go any minute. } } There you go! Splendid doing business with you. } } You owe the Oracle 2,850,000,000. Preferably in cash. --- 1067-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O mighty Oracle, whose jockstrap Vladimir Ward cannot even HOPE to > hold.... > > Who would win in a standup fight--a 3025 Rifleman with the 2/4/2 back > armour, or a Goshawk? > Please explain your answer. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } SUNDAY! SUNDAY! SUNDAY!!! It's the ULTIMATE CAGE MATCH! } } Only on PAY-PER-VIEW, you can see a 3025 RIFLEMAN go HEAD-TO-HEAD } with a GOSHAWK! } } *blip* } } BOB: And here we are for the main event, the cage match between } a 3025 Rifleman and a Goshawk. Two will enter, only one will } leave. Here to provide me with color commentary is Minnesota } Governor-Elect Jesse "The Body" Ventura! Jesse, I'm told } that you haven't allowed your new gubernatorial status to } interfere with your more well-known profession. } } JBV: That's right, Bob, I was getting ready to take on Florida } Governor Lawton "He-Coon" Chiles, but he up and died on me. } I would've KICKED HIS ASS, and he knew it, so he took the } easy way out and keeled over in training! But in three } weeks, I'm gonna open up a tall-boy can of whoop-ass on the } pencil-neck momma's boy who's gonna replace him for the next } four years. } } BOB: That's great, Jesse, and I'm sure Jeb "JEB!" Bush is quaking } in his boots. But today's match is something different } altogether. We've got a battle mech from Robotech, the 3025 } Rifleman, going up against a Goshawk. Any thoughts on who'll } be the winner? } } JBV: Well, as you know, the favorite in this match is the Rifleman, } with his 2/4/2 back armor, which will make him pretty much } invulnerable to attacks from the rear in case the Goshawk } manages to get around behind him. The Goshawk has powerful } legs and claws, and is classified as "wary and difficult to } approach" -- but it's a small one, only about 17 inches long. } } BOB: That's about average for a male Goshawk, I'm told; the females } often reach nearly two feet in length. } } JBV: Maybe so, Bob, but even those extra seven inches wouldn't } help this rainforest-dwelling bird against a Mechanized } Deliverer of Death like the Rifleman here. } } BOB: We'll see if you're right, Jesse. Well, I can see past the } throng of protesting Greenpeace activists to the cage itself, } and it looks like the contestants are entering. The cage } door has been locked shut, the ref has given them their } instructions, and... THERE'S THE BELL! } } JBV: The Goshawk has taken off; it's circling, a common tactic } amongst _Accipiter novaehollandiae_. } } BOB: The Rifleman has fired some kind of particle-beam weapon at } its opponent! The Goshawk seems to have taken it in the wing! } } JBV: HE'S DOWN! HE'S DOWN! The Goshawk is fluttering around on } the floor of the cage, trying to get back in the air, and... } } BOB: OUCH, THAT'S *GOTTA* HURT! The Rifleman has STOMPED on the } Goshawk! There's feathers flying all over the place, but } no sign of the Goshawk itself! } } JBV: No, I see it; it's stuck to the underside of the Rifleman's } foot! He's scraping it off onto the bars, the ref is giving } the count, and... IT'S OVER! THE RIFLEMAN HAS WON! } } *blip* } } So there you have it, Supplicant. The Rifleman would win, because } it has the Goshawk severely outclassed. } } You owe the Oracle an explanation of why you would ask such a } twisted question in the first place. --- 1067-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Julianna Avedon" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Give my regards to Zadoc > Remember me oh Orrie too > Tell all the rhodites in their land of make-believe > Your answers are always true! > > If groundhogs go lumber-throwing > How much timber could they throw? > Yes, give my regards to Oracle > 'Cause now I've got to go And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Writenow Correspondence Course, } 15 Hackney Road, } Oxford. } } Dear Student, } } Thank you for your recent submission of coursework. We have passed your } coursework to your personal writing tutor, Og, for comment. We attach } his comments and hope that you find them helpful. } } Yours Sincerely, } } (squiggle) } } I. M. Charleton, } President, } Writenow Correspondence Ltd. } } (attached) } } Og here. Og read po-em. Og think po-em show prom-ise, but have few } flaw! Og ex-plain, help stu-dent im-prove. } } Og say, first, stu-dent use many long word. Og think long word hard } read. Og think, make ea-sy split long word small bit. Og show first } re-write po-em. } } > Give my re-gards to Za-doc } > Re-mem-ber me oh Or-rie too } > Tell all the rhod-ites in their land of make be-lieve } > Your an-swers are al-ways true! } > } > If ground-hogs go lum-ber-throw-ing } > How much tim-ber could they throw? } > Yes, give my re-gards to O-ra-cle } > 'Cause now I've got to go } } Og say, stu-dent see im-prove al-ready. Og say, next, sen-tence hard } un-der-stand mean-ing. Stu-dent not say who say what! Og say, put } stu-dent start all sen-tence, read-er not get con-fuse. Og show } ex-ample. } } > Stu-dent Give re-gards to Za-doc } > Or-rie Re-mem-ber oh stu-dent too } > Stu-dent Tell all the rhod-ites in their land of make-be-lieve } > Or-rie an-swers are al-ways true! } > } > Stu-dent ask If ground-hogs go lum-ber-throw-ing } > Student won-der how much tim-ber could they throw? } > Stu-dent give re-gards to O-ra-cle } > Stu-dent now got to go } } Og say, last, sen-tence much too long. Stu-dent use too many word! Og } say, get rid of not need word. Og say, many let-ter no mean! Og say, } like 's' end of word. Og do last re-write. } } > Stu-dent Give re-gard Za-doc } > Or-rie Re-mem-ber stu-dent too } > Stu-dent Tell rhod-ites in land make be-lieve } > Or-rie an-swers al-ways true! } > } > Stu-dent ask how much ground-hog lum-ber-throw? } > Student won-der much tim-ber throw? } > Stu-dent give re-gard O-ra-cle } > Stu-dent now got go } } Og say, mean much more clear! Og think stu-dent see how po-em much } im-prove. Og say, next month stu-dent write ass-i assii asign home-work } Og. Og give to-pic. } } Stu-dent write ode to dead Mammoth found in tar pit. } Stu-dent write sol-i solly sol po-em say no place like cave. } Stu-dent write free verse won-der why wo-man have ba-by. } } Og say look for-ward next see stu-dent work. --- 1067-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is it that women have thousands of different types of coat hanger > when men would be happy if they were all just triangular metal ones? > > -- [a large, legalistic auto-sig chopped off here in transition -ed] And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It was a rainy day in Metropolis, the kind that puts a chill through } your bones and into your soul; a day fit for neither man nor beast. } The streets were empty. The crack dealers and winos had gone to } seek shelter, but not me. Even in this late fall icy downpour which } should have been named "Hurricane Pneumonia," I had to keep pounding } the beat. Life's never easy for a junior reporter, but when you } work for the Daily Planet, it's downright miserable sometimes. Like } Lois always said, "You've gotta love it." She was my buddy Clark's } girl; style, class, and legs that wouldn't quit all rolled up into a } fireball that would roast you alive if you got in her way. I missed } her. I missed them both, and for all I owed them, I had to find out } what happened. } } Perry told me to forget about it, that reporting was a dangerous } business and it was just the odds catching up to those two. If it } had been anybody else, I might have thought that he'd been paid off } to keep people from investigating -- I knew the cops had been. I } knew better, though. Perry looked as stricken as if he'd lost a son } and daughter, and I knew he just couldn't bear to lose one more of } his own. I don't know why everyone just assumed they were dead. } Lex Luthor was paroled last Monday, Lois and Clark were missing on } Tuesday, and I suppose everybody just put two and two together. } } Finally, drenched to the bone and my last potential informant } questioned, I returned to my office $5000 poorer and with no leads } whatsoever. It was as if they really had vanished. If Luthor had } had any part in it, he'd done it outside of his usual network of } low-life scum, that was for sure. I'd paid off every two-bit } henchman and thug in the city, and all for nothing. Dejected, I } started reading my email, and there it was. My first clue had been } sitting in my computer waiting for me all this time. Lex Vehicle } Leasing -- LVL -- Lex V. Luthor, operating out of the UK! But what } could it mean? Coat hangers...many kinds for women, but only small } triangular ones for men? That was easy enough; a reference to } Lois's enormous wardrobe and the triangular shield on the Man of } Steel's chest. But what could that impossibly huge auto-sig have to } do with it? Well, I thought, I'll start with the phone number, and } before I could worry about what Perry would say about an } international call, I dialed it. To my utter astonishment, I } instantly recognized the pompous tones coming from the other end. } } "Orrie! I'd almost given up and gone home. I was expecting you } hours ago! How've you been?" crowed Lex Luthor. } } "Better," I replied, maintaining my cool. "Are the kids still in } one piece? It will go very hard for you if they aren't," I added } icily. } } "Oh, fret not, big guy. Supe, or should I say Clark, has had a bit } of a scare, but he's just fine, or at least he will be," the arch- } villain cooed. } } "So you know? How'd an idiot like you finally figure it out?" } } "I didn't, to be honest. I was just playing a hunch on that foxbot } Lane when I put the kryptonite condom in her purse. I couldn't } believe it when we broke in and found her gibbering over Kent. } Would you believe that he still had his glasses on? Only when they } fell off while we were moving him did we realize it had worked! } HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" } } "What do you want?" } } "Well, in my old age, I've gone a bit soft, if you know what I mean. } I figure that on ten million dollars, and a lifetime supply of } Viagra and Rogaine, not to mention the lovely Lois Lane, I could } hide away quite happily for the rest of my days and never bother } anyone again..." } } "So you want us to sell Lois into slavery to you? And what about } Clark, or is he history either way?" } } "Oh, you can have the SuperEunuch back, though I don't think he'll } ever be the same again..." } } "You're mad!" I screamed, involuntarily venting my mounting } frustration. } } "Yes, and isn't it grand!" he cackled in reply. "You haven't asked } about the alternative yet, though I know you'll never kowtow to my } demands. You types never do. So, I'll just tell you. If my } demands are not met, not only shall both of them be killed in the } most painful way I can think of, but my specialized .sig virus will } attach itself to every email message and usenet posting on earth, } crippling the net with the additional traffic and enabling me to } TAKE OVER THE WORLD!" I wondered who he'd been talking to in } prison. He'd always been crazy before, but this time he really took } the fruitcake. } } "Gee, Brain, where's Pinky?" I retorted. "You realize, of course, } that you're insane, and you're going back to..." } } "What did you say?" Luthor interrupted, his cool veneer of contempt } shattered for just a moment. I thought I detected something odd in } his voice, almost like an electrical short. A voice modulator? } What for? } } I knew something was up, but I didn't want to give myself away just } yet. "It's a reference to a popular animated TV show. I'm } surprised that even someone who's been in prison wouldn't recognize } it," I deadpanned. } } "Yes, I know, but why would you say that? Does this sound like a } time for joking to you? Do you doubt my resolve???" He was really } hot about something, barking threats into the phone with vicious } fury. Then I heard it. It was almost inaudible over the mad } ranting, but I heard it: "Um, Brain, you're drooling all over the } voice box, narf!" Then, in mid-sentence, Luthor's voice fizzled, } and was replaced by that of the Brain! "...should kill them now, } just to *pop fizzle* Oh no! The modulator! Oh well, no matter, } our plan is in motion and NOTHING CAN STOP US THIS TIME!" He didn't } hear me put him on hold while I got on the other line. I thanked } whatever gods there were that Perry hated cheesy hold music. } } Hanging up the other line, I knew I had him, but I wanted to savor } the moment. "Are you sure about that?" I queried. "Even if, say, } LVL called in an exterminator for this afternoon to help them with } their...rodent...problem? Face it, Brain, your plans are always } doomed to fail!" } } "Curses!" came the reply. "Pinky, are you thinking what I'm } thinking?" "I think so, Brain, but kryptonite chafes me so." } "Pinky, don't make me hurt you..." with that, the phone hit the } floor, and I heard a slap and some scurrying before I hung up the } phone. } * * * } } The headlines flew fast and furious the next day, as the missing } reporters Lois Lane and Clark Kent were discovered tied up } underneath the IT desk of a small vehicle leasing company in the } United Kingdom. "At first I thought it was just some kinky sex } game," quipped the exterminator who found them, "but when I got } undressed and climbed down there with them, she kicked me in my } bits an' pieces, so I figgered maybe she just wanted out. I'm } buggered if I know why I was called anyway; I didn't find a bloody } mouse in the whole bloody building." The network manager found tied } in the closet was taken to the hospital for observation after raving } about talking mice. } } The .sig virus flew fast and furious through the internet in the } days that followed, but thankfully the experts had it contained } almost as soon as it started. The mutant hotmail and juno forms } still exist, among others, but most netizens remain largely un- } affected. } } The profanity flew fast and furious in Perry's office when he } discovered the two international calls on the phone bill. By now } Lois and Clark were back home, safe and sound, and they both } assured me that he was as good as new. Perry never did figure } the significance of the two calls, and I didn't bother telling him. } My work there was done anyway, and I quit not long afterward to } head back to Bloomington. I still keep in touch with Clark and } Lois; I send them a multicolored basket of condoms every year, } and every year, they send me back all the green ones. --- 1067-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Sir Oracle, > > Will I indeed be able to get reservations at that expensive, yet chic > restaurant in the city that I wish to take the love of my love to on > Christmas Eve Eve? > Inquiring, > Nick's girl And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Alas, Mrs. Claus, you've left it rather late to book you and Nick a } table, especially if you want to be sure of having that all-important } parking space for the sleigh. } } Rather than risk embarrassment, I suggest you tell Santa that, owing } to Government policy on monopolies, he's now required to check the } list *thrice*. That should keep him busy enough that the moment will } pass, and you can be certain that after several million mince pies } and glasses of sherry, there is no way he'll remember until after } the New Year, at which point you can make your booking with impunity. } } You owe The Oracle a new byke. --- 1067-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Your Incredible Omniscence, > > Being, um... omniscent and all, you already know about Kelly. What do > you think I should do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Give yourself up. The police will find the body in a few days, and it } will be much better for you if you surrender rather than get caught. } } You owe The Oracle a confession.