From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Tue Jan 5 22:40:17 1999 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.7/8.8.7/IUCS_2.21) id WAA27394; Tue, 5 Jan 1999 22:40:17 -0500 (EST) Date: Tue, 5 Jan 1999 22:40:17 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199901060340.WAA27394@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1070 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1070 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1070 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Tue, 5 Jan 1999 22:40:17 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1070 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1065 81 votes 2hrnc 34tuf 7lrh9 7eond 7fgqh kxj54 7bkwb kxj72 bAq71 7kqia 1065 3.0 mean 3.3 3.6 3.0 3.3 3.4 2.3 3.4 2.2 2.4 3.0 --- 1070-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Which name is the better one for a cold, swampy, nasty island: Tolring > or Tol Khelet? And if none of them fits: What is a good name for it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } How about "England"? } } You owe the Oracle Milton Keynes. --- 1070-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ken McGlothlen The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > EAT FLAMING DEATH, QUEUE DRAINING SCUM!!! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You cannot eat Death while Death is alive. There is no Queue-Draining } Scum here. } } LOOK } } You are in a dungeon. There is a locked and barred heavy wood door to } the east. There is a grating in the wall to the west. There is a } drainpipe to the North. There is a FIFO stack here. Death is here. } } LOOK DRAINPIPE } } The drainpipe is full of mold. } } TAKE MOLD } } You pick up the mold } } QUEUE MOLD ON STACK } } You have queued the mold. } } INVENTORY } } You are wearing a tunic and breeches. You have a cigarette lighter. } } WIELD LIGHTER } } You wield the cigarette lighter in your right hand. } } ATTACK DEATH } } You set Death on fire. Death seems to be enjoying the warmth. } } TAKE MOLD } } You pick up the mold. } } OFFER MOLD TO DEATH } } Death takes the mold. } } SAY "TRY IT, IT'S GOOD" } } Death nibbles the mold. } } Congratulations! You have made flaming death eat queued drain scum. You } have attained the rank of Does Not Have a Life. Play Again? (Y/n) n } } You owe the Oracle a 'Zork the Dork' Beanie Baby. --- 1070-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most eternally erudite one, what will be the most significant things > that happen in 1999? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } January: The Senate fails to convict Clinton, settles for a cream } pie in his face instead. } } February: Newt Gingrich begins his "Don't Call It a Comeback" campaign } for President. } } March: A meteorite impact levels the Detroit metropolitan area. } } April: Clinton visits the Detroit Impact Site, declares it a National } Monument. In his words, "This is a testament to the wisdom and } beneficience of God." } } May: Religious groups condemn Clinton for such an obvious and feeble } attempt to curry favor with the Religious Right. } } June: A meteorite impact levels the Washington, D.C. metropolitan area. } } July: The Pope visits the D.C. impact site, declares it an Act of God. } In his words, "This is a testament to the wisdom and beneficience } of God." } } August: Religious groups condemnt the Pope for such an obvious and } feeble attempt to curry favor with the Religious Right. } } September: A meteorite impact levels the Redmond, Wa. metropolitan } area. } } October: God manifests Himself at the Redmond Impact Site, claiming } responsibility for the Detroit, Washington, and Redmond meteorites, } declaring them Acts of God. In his words, "This is a testament to } My wisdom and beneficience." } } November: Religious groups condemn God for such an obvious and feeble } attempt to curry favor with the Religious Right. } } December: Everybody parties like it's 1999. } } You owe the Oracle a more optimistic wall calendar for 1999. --- 1070-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What's the easiest way to get into the Oracularities? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Start slowly, take your time. .. the digests are easiest to get into } when you're in the right mode. } } First brew a cup of tea. As the tea simmers clear off a corner of your } desk for your feet. Put on some music, John McLaughlin works well. Dim } the lights. } } Now with your feet up, music in the background and tea at hand slowly } read the first offering from the digest. Ah, did you learn something? } Or chuckle? If not don't be dismayed. Sip some tea and go on to the } second sharing. Take your time, reflect on the subtle wit and ironic } insights. . . } } Had enough? You don't -have- to read it all at once. Put it aside as } you would a tome of fine poems, return to it when you feel a calling. } } If this doesn't get you into the digests try reading some of the } archives at: http://www.pcnet.com/~stenor/oracle/archive.html } } If you're still not into it, sigh, perhaps the digests are not for } you. Maybe your tastes run more to inane in-jokes and running gags } that no one understands any more, but are afraid to inquiring as to } their origins. If so then go read rec.humor.oracle.d, which despite the } name has -nothing- to do with The Internet Oracle, it's more a } counter-weight to my endless quest to aid the world, an antithesis, a } dark, unsober cackling of madness that revels in lunacy and dis-array. } In short, it's my fan club. And there's not a damn one of them that } isn't in arrears as to their dues. } } You owe the Oracle a sledge hammer and an ice chest. --- 1070-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, great Oracle, who can truly grok Archimedies (nee Ludwig) > Plutonium, > > What ever happened to Serdar Argic? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, my old friend the Zumabot, I remember him well! Wanna hear my Argic } impersonation? Ahem... } } "Hey, gum brain! Are you pretending not to be aware that 2.5 million } innocent Turkish people were genocided by Armenian terrorists from the } ASALA/SDPA/ARF Terrorism Triangle during 1914-1920? Do I have to quote } even more scholarly references at you? What are you, a Muslim-hating } genocide apologist? Don't imagine that the crimes of your criminal } Armenian grandparents will ever be forgotten, Supplicantian! In any } event, let me get back to the real issue at hand..." } } And I do a really mean Robert McElwaine too! It goes like this... what? } Oh, alright. Kinzler gently suggests that I get back to answering the } question. You can put that cattle prod away now, Steve. } } So, why did the lovable old psycho disappear so suddenly, eh? Was the } spook recalled by his secret Turkish government handlers? Was the } propaganda campaign terminated because of the bad publicity it was } generating? Did UUNet finally give in to pressure from right-thinking } Netizens to close his account, and he never found another ISP prepared } to act as a platform for his ravings? } } Needless to say, it is none of the above. He, Cosar, Mutlu and the } rest of their cell were rounded up by agents of the USDA, and all } ended up on the dinner table on Thanksgiving Day, 1994. Serdar himself } was eaten by the Furr family, if I recall correctly. On the Net, no-one } may know if you're a dog, but they can damn well spot a turkey when } they see one. --- 1070-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Ring around the woodchucks, > the Oracle is just tops, > askmes, askmes, > the queue is drained. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh, hey, you found my old nursery rhyme book! I've been looking for } that for ages. I thought I'd lost it forever. Some of my all-time } favorite poetry is in here. } } } } Little Jack Zadoc } Sat in the paddock } Sucking away at the queue. } } He logged in to Juno, } And said, "What do you know? } I might be Digested, too!" } } } } Orrie had a little queue, } Little queue, little queue. } Orrie had a little queue, } With wood that none could chuck. } } And everywhere that Hotmail goes, } Hotmail goes, Hotmail goes, } Everywhere that Hotmail goes, } The answer's sure to suck. } } } } Orrie's queue is filling up, } Filling up, filling up. } Orrie's queue is filling up, } My fair Lisa. } } And you thought you knew where all the in-jokes came from, didn't you. } Wrong-oh! They all started right here in this book. Thanks for } finding it for me. This has really made my day. } } You owe the Oracle the rhyme about the bright red Siamese fighting } fish. That page seems to be missing. --- 1070-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Julianna Avedon" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mighty and puissant Oracle, > > Why the hell is my wife so hell-bent on calling our cat, who barely has > two brain cells to rub together, such a "little sweetie"? The damn' > thing's dumber than drier lint. > > Thanks for clearing this up for me. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Women and little fluffy animals - it's not a subject amenable to logic. } I've met Rabid Hell-Beasts that went by names like "Mr Woogums" } and "Flopsy Snuggles", so they don't even have to be little and fluffy. } } As for your kitten being dumber than drier lint, that's nothing } terribly surprising; they all are - they're just Nature's Marketers. } Think about it - most cat owners will admit they're not very } bright, but only under duress; and popular opinion has them down as } sophisticated, elegant creatures who own their owners and all that rot. } It's all Marketing! Nobody mentions all the times they run into walls, } or fall asleep somewhere raised and then fall off, or... } } If you'll excuse me, I have to go feed, errr... Ripper. Because it's } time, that's why, no other reason. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of "Dogs are from Mars, Cats are from Venus". } } <"Daddy's coming, Wiffly Bear! Here's your din-dins!"> --- 1070-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh omniscient and non-pediculous Oracle, > who is schooled so highly in irony and good taste that the > response to this unworthy request will avoid the otherwise > utterly inevitable longwindedness, > > What happened to all the clever, witty, and SHORT answers > to the supplicants' questions? Has wit lost its soul of > brevity? Is longwindedness a real word? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } ORACULAR UNION TELEGRAM CO } MESSAGE BEGINS } } ANSWERS IN REVERSE ORDER STOP } YES STOP } MINE HASN'T STOP } WHEREAS A SHORT ANSWER HAS THE UNDENIABLE AND NOT UNVALUABLE BENEFIT OF } SNAPPINESS A QUALITY PARTICULARLY PRIZED IN THESE HASTY MODERN TIMES A } MORE LEISURELY AND CONSIDERED APPROACH TO THE ART OF ORACULAR UTTERANCE } MAY YIELD IMPORTANT ADVANTAGES IN THOROUGHLY AND COMPLETELY FURNISHING } THE SUPPLICANT WITH AN ANSWER TO HIS OR INDEED IT MAY BE HER OR EVEN } THEIR QUESTION AND ALSO PERMITS A FULLER EXPLORATION OF THE VERY NOOKS } AND CRANNIES OF THE DEPTHS OF THE PRICELESS HUMOUR CONTAINED IN A GOOD } ORACULAR QUESTION WITH THE SUBSEQUENT AND CONCOMMITANT RESULT THAT } INCREASINGLY IN RECENT TIMES A GROWING NUMBER OF INCARNATIONS ARE } CHOOSING TO ESCHEW THE BITESIZE MTV STYLE ORACULARITY AND TURN INSTEAD } TO THE PLEASING PORTLY VERBOSITY AND THE MELLIFLUOUS CICERONIAN PHRASES } WHICH ARE SURELY THE HALLMARK OF A CIVILIZED RESPONSE TO AN HUMOROUS } INQUIRY STOP } SO THERE STOP } } MESSAGE ENDS } } You owe the Oracle a one-line summary of the Lord of the Rings. --- 1070-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, chief criminal of the ages, what is the most evil and > sinister way to earn $4.80? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I'm sure I have no idea what you are talking about. } } You owe the Oracle $4.00 (plus 20% service charge) --- 1070-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Mmmm, beautiful console...excellent ergodynamics...mm-hmmm...wonderful > keyboard layout...truly inspired choice of port plugs...a definite 9.2. > What do you think? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I think you need psychiatric help. I've seen Oedipal complexes before, } but I've never seen someone sexually attracted to his motherboard. } } You owe the Oracle a bag of chips.