From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Fri Feb 12 08:41:31 1999 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.7/8.8.7/IUCS_2.21) id IAA22214; Fri, 12 Feb 1999 08:41:31 -0500 (EST) Date: Fri, 12 Feb 1999 08:41:31 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199902121341.IAA22214@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1076 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1076 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1076 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Fri, 12 Feb 1999 08:41:31 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1076 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1071 72 votes 5bpm9 3rnh2 45bum 2nsf4 17muc 8uha7 3bjof 3jgke 7qq94 5jxb4 1071 3.2 mean 3.3 2.8 3.8 2.9 3.6 2.7 3.5 3.3 2.7 2.9 --- 1076-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: surfbaud@waverider.co.uk (Dave Hemming) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is there a magic elixir that will cause the women to knock down my door > and scream for my hot manlove? If so, where can I find it? If not, > would alcohol be an acceptable substitute? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, I find that a dash of Worcestershire sauce into the mixture } before - Oh, sorry, you said hot _manlove_. My bad. } } There _is_, allegedly, an unguent said to be mighty in attracting } the fair ones. Given my usual correspondents (the Geeks'N'Freaks, } as I like to call them) I know little of this fabled substance. } Rumour has it that this mystic talisman is so powerful that to } access its properties one has merely to smear it over ones naked } body AND THEN RINSE IT OFF AGAIN!!! Imagine! Alas, I must be } content with mere hearsay at this time, as the location where it } can be found is shrouded in mystery. Maybe one day, long after } college is done, I shall learn more... } } I advise against smearing alcohol over your body. It'll attract } only winos, and may cause a nasty rash. } } You owe the Oracle more hard facts about the legendary SOAP. --- 1076-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Arbitrarily wise and considerate Oracle, who told Newton and Leibniz > about the calculus just so science and engineering could advance to the > point where many, many supplicants could ask the Oracle questions like > this one via email instead of trudging thousands of miles to a remote > mountaintop, whose integrals I am unworthy to compute and whose > differentials are, despite being infinitesimal like all other > differentials, much, much larger than I could ever hope to imagine, > > my physics teacher promised me he'd tell me a funny math joke, but I'd > have to wait until I turned 18. Unfortunately, he died first. Well, > I'm 19, and I still haven't got my joke. Could you tell it to me > please? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } That was a decent grovel, kid, so not only will I tell you the joke, } I'll tell you three new things you should learn from it. } } A mathematician and a physicist agree to a psychological experiment. } The mathematician is put in a chair in a large empty room and a } beautiful naked woman is placed on a bed at the other end of the room. } The psychologist explains, "You are to remain in your chair. Every } five minutes, I will move your chair to a position halfway between its } current location and the woman on the bed." } } The mathematician looks at the psychologist in disgust. "What? I'm not } going to go through this. You know I'll never reach the bed!" And he } gets up and storms out. } } The psychologist makes a note on his clipboard and ushers the physicist } in. He explains the situation, and the physicist's eyes light up and he } starts drooling. The psychologist is a bit confused. "Don't you } realize that you'll never reach her?" The physicist smiles and replied, } "Of course! But I'll get close enough for all practical purposes!" } } That was the joke. Now here are the three new things you should have } learned from it: } } 1. Never believe a science or math teacher when they say something is } funny. } 2. Some things aren't worth waiting for. } 3. Give up science and math as career options, or you'll die drooling, } just like your physics teacher. } } You owe the Oracle a nice quiet room with Lisa naked on a bed. } See? It's too late for me. } Oh well. --- 1076-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Rich McGee The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, most wise. What will the priesthood be like in 20 years? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } So, you want to be a priest in 20 years? } } Well, among other things, the Oracle subscribes to the "Vatican Watch" } news service. Let's just look at a sampling of events over the next 20 } years that will shape the priesthood: } } I'm, sure you've seen this one... } 2/13/1999: National Tattler magazine reports that the Catholic Church } and Microsoft to merge... Bill Gates will assume title of Vice-Pope and } CEO... church's artwork to be strictly licensed for use in the } MS-Classics Screensaver (tm)... new Microsoft Church products... } minimum system requirements Pentium II/450, 256 MB ram, 9 GB free disk } space. } } ... but, you know how rumors are... } } 6/17/1999: (AP) Archbishop of the New York diocese announced a } controversial new stand on birth control today. His "Life begins at } Deception" statement states that once a woman (or man) lies to their } partner about being on birth control, any subsequent act preventing } birth is sinful. "We need the converts." He said after cameras were } turned off. } } 8/31/2001: (Reuters) White Smoke over the Vatican. "We have a new } pope." Following the technical, societal and economic upheaval of the } Y2K crisis, the Church has elected its 7th Pope in the last 20 months. } In his first statement to the world, Pope John-Paul-George-Ringo I, has } decided that all Masses shall be held in ancient Latin. "Since most of } the Third World has reverted to the Dark Ages, we should reflect the } trends of the majority of our congregation." } } 12/7/2006: (Variety) Today, entertainer Michael Jackson announced his } intent to become a priest. "After all, I have all of the } qualifications, I love children, and I've been technically celibate for } years! I'd love to follow in the footsteps of the founder of Boys } Town, and establish the same kind of loving, caring place for young } boys." } } 12/31/2009: (CNN) On the eve of the 10th anniversary of the Y2K Crash, } Ted Turner announced today that he is buying the *entire* collection of } artworks belonging to the Vatican in a joint venture with the Disney } Company. Citing financial woes, a Church spokesman confirmed the } report that all of the famous works, including the Sistine Chapel will } be transferred to a new theme park being built outside Atlanta. } Turner/Disney's "Vatican World" will feature exhibits, and thrill rides } such as the "Pirates of the Seven Deadly Sins" indoor ride, and a high } speed roller coaster tentatively named the "Hail Mary." Park } attendants will be dressed in cassocks and habits depicting 2000 years } monastery and convent fashion. "Of course, some of the artworks will } need restoring a colorizing before we can put them on display," Turner } commented. } } 8/19/2014: (VatNewsNet) The Vatican III reformation conference is } still going strong. On this weeks agenda: "Are clones subject to } Original Sin?" One side of the debate declares that a clone would only } carry the half the burden of original sin... The clone of a clone - } only one quarter... Next weeks topic will be whether the traditional } title of "Father" should be changed to "Surrogate Parental Figure of No } Familial Attachment who Functions in a Caregiver Role." } } 4/12/2015: (Science Channel, transponder 312) Following last year's } Vatican III declaration that clones are not subject to Original Sin, } the Catholic church has decided that all Priests, monks and nuns should } be clones. "We have the potential to engineer a race of gender neutral } spiritual guides exempt from the scandals of years past," stated } Pope Elroy. "This will vastly improve the quality of the Church and } streamline the selection process for higher level Church offices." The } term "Priest" will subsequently be discontinued and replace with the } title "Mediator." The clones will be addressed as "Parent" instead of } "Father," and the Brotherhoods (Monks) and Sisterhoods (Nuns) will be } merged into the "Siblinghood of Assistants." } } 10/1/2018: (Washington Post) Today the Vatican announced the selection } of a new Pope in a record time. Pope John CXXIV succeeded Pope Elroy } 10 minutes after the passing of the last non-clone Leader of the } Religious World. "There was no trouble making the decision since we're } all alike. We just drew straws and I was the lucky one," stated the } new Pope. Regarding his selection of accession name, the Pope replied: } "I know the tradition was to select a name and number in keeping with } your predecessor. Still, it's a brave new world! It's much more } accurate to use my cloning tank label." } } 2/5/2019: (MSNBABCBSFOX.COM) Today the Catholic Church announced that } it would purchase the troubled MicroSoft Corporation. The } software/communications giant has been on the brink of bankruptcy } since the death of founder Bill Gates last year in a duel with Steve } Jobs. For more details, press or say "1" now } Sidebars: } ...Click here... President DiCaprio denounces increase in dueling to } settle lawsuits. } ...Click here... Vatican says dueling is not suicide. } ...Click here... Catholic Church buys Disney, regains treasured } artwork } ...Click here... Turner "decolorizing" technology to be applied to } defaced art } ...Click here... Interview with HighMediator John MCMXCIX of } LosFransciso. Do clones fall in love? } } **** Well, there you have it. that's what will shape the } Priesthood^WMediatorhood 20 years from now. **** } } You owe the Oracle a sexless artificial life form that speaks } incomprehensibly, Oh, sorry, I already have Zadoc and Og. Oh well, } just tell the Lisa's that I'll be waiting for them in the hot-tub. --- 1076-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O great Oracle, thou who truly knows how long it has been since Ian > Davis changed his socks. > > Orrie, exactly what is the best way to write an oracularity that will > annoy, amuse, or impress a priest enough so that they'll mail it to > each other and start a big argument about it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, there are many ways to impress them. For instance: } 1) You don't need to write much, if only you attach a photo of a naked } famous sex-symbol like Brad Pitt or Carmen Opausia to it. For sure, the } pic won't reach to the supplicant who made the question, but the priest } who reads the oracularity will see the error message, and search into } the Oracle's computer system to look for it. You can bet that, as after } they find it, they'll start forwarding it to a mean of 5 mean fellow } priests. I don't like it, but i understand it, after all the stupid, } boring and wild-rodent-related answers they have to read each day. } 2) You can make a witty and intriguing remark, much in the way Karl } Schlampich replied to Boris Hall (before their tragical accident). } } But you asked for the BEST way to do it, and it is to write something } not clearly humorous, but suggesting it is, something misterious enough } to make the priests doubt if they are missing a part of a good joke. Of } course, if you write something that IS actually funny, risk is that } some priest understand the whole point of it. The trick is not to write } an actual funny oracularity, but to make it look like it, so the } priests send it to some other to ask about what does it refer to. } An easy way to do it is to mention somebody or some event you've } just made up, as if they had to be universally known. For example, } things like "as much wood as Jerry G. Milhouse had to remove to make his } way to Scarlett's house", "a famous sex-symbol like (better to add a } really famous name somewhere) or Carmen Opausia" or "in the way Karl } Schlampich replied to Boris Hall (before their tragical accident)" will } make them doubt enough. Remember that most of my priests have been } brought up in the USA, where the educational system does not pay much } attention to the outside world, so they can't be confident about } whether something is really an "obscure reference" or a very good joke } for anybody with a better culture. } } And now that you know the way... } you'll understand I can't let you escape alive and start writing this } type of junk-mail to annoy my priests and make them waste their time, } instead of doing useful work with normal oracularities, so... } } \/\/\/\/\/\/---> Zap!! } You're fried, like Camshron Dieguez de Haro after being chosen by Ho } Ling Me to test his new riffle. --- 1076-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How would YOU model the impact of a 1km diameter asteroid striking the > south pole? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } In a bikini-brief speedo swimsuit (for the massive tidal wave) } and a warm coat (for the "nuclear winter" that would follow). --- 1076-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And he was Bad, Bad, Zadoc Brown > Baddest priest in the whole damn town, > Badder then ol' Og Kong, > Meaner then a Junkyard Zot... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, a-down in Indiana, } In the baddest part of town, } If you go down there, you just better beware } Of a priest named Zadoc Brown. } } Now Zadoc's more than trouble, } Though he's short and stout in form. } All the priestesses call him Zadoc Brown } And the rest just call him Worm. } } And it's bad, bad, Zadoc Brown } Baddest priest in the whole damn town, } Badder than ol' Og Kong, } Meaner than a junkyard zot. } } Well Friday 'bout a week ago, } She walked by his door twice- } An alt.sex.goddess by the name of Lisa } And oh, that girl looked nice. } } Well, he cast his eyes upon her, } But he should have turned and run. } 'Cause then he learned a lesson 'bout a-messin' with the girl } Of the Om-ni-po-tent One. } } Well Orrie took to zottin', } And when his zottin' was done, } Zadoc looked like a Texas steak: } Deep-fried and well-done. } } And it's bad, bad, Zadoc Brown } Baddest priest in the whole damn town, } Badder than ol' Og Kong, } Meaner than a junkyard zot. } } LET ME HEAR IT NOW! } } He was bad - bad - Zadoc Brown } Baddest priest in the whole damn town! (whooo!) } Badder than-a 'ol Og Ko-o-ong } Meaner than a junkyard zot! --- 1076-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Your attention please. This is Special Agent Bryn K. Gadjusek of the > FBI. It has come to our attention that Mr. I. Oracle, a civilian, > possesses an amount of knowledge of secret government operations that > violates all 17 sections of the Covert Information Code. He is > therefore required to provide us immediately with his whereabouts and > the name of his attorney so that we may confine him before any further > damage is done. > > Any attempt to evade or otherwise interfere with this arrest will be > prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. > > Thank you for your time. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } TWENTIETH CENTURY FOX TELEVISION STUDIOS } } TOP SECRET } } Working script for "The X-Files", Episode 6X26 } } Working titles: "The Oracle and Daniel Webster" } "askme" ("tellme?") } "Overacting Omniscience" } } (OPENING: Darkness) } } SCULLY: Where are we, Mulder? } } MULDER: We're in a large Midwestern university, looking for the } Oracle. } } SCULLY: No, I mean WHERE are we standing? I can't see a thing. } } MULDER: Hmmm... Turn on your flashlight. } } (Scully and Mulder turn on their flashlights, producing two white beams } through the fog that apparently fills the Computer Science building.) } } SCULLY: Hell, I still can't see anything. (She gratuitously shines } her light into the camera to produce a glare.) } } MULDER: Yeah, put now we both have light sabers! Whoosh! Swoosh! } } SCULLY: Stop that! Now, why did you drag me all the way here? } } MULDER: We're looking for the Internet Oracle. I believe that it is } an emergent life form, arising from the vast complexity of Cyberspace. } } SCULLY: Um... I think we've done this before. About two years ago. } (See Episode 5X11 "Kill Switch"). } } MULDER: Hmm... You're right... Or maybe that's just want THEY want us } to think. } } SCULLY: That's it. I'm outta here. (She turns off her flashlight. } Darkness.) } } MULDER: Scully? Scully! Where are you! (Dials cellular phone.) } Skinner? Scully's been abducted! She's gone! I'm pretty sure it's by } same people who took my sister! } } SCULLY: (Turning her flashlight back on.) Mulder, I'm right here. } Criminy, you're paranoid. I haven't been abducted for over a week. } } (Notes from Carter: Okay, this plot needs a little work. I like the } darkness, though, it works, run with it. We still have to add the } mandatory murders for the segues into the :20 and :30 minute commercial } breaks. (Note, may be necessary to add two more characters...unless...) } Like use of cell phone (good prop, already paid for). "Oracle" is new } angle, like it lots. Maybe work in something about Chupa Cabras, or } ghosts. Ghosts are good. Easy to do the special effects. Still with } darkness to reduce special effect budget. Gotta run...developing two } new series for FOX today... C.C.) } } You owe the Oracle something better to watch on Sunday nights. --- 1076-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, versed in Euclidean and non-Euclidean geometry, who can drink > out of a klein bottle and find the other side of a Mobius strip... > > Is the universe flat? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No. It is, in fact, carbonated. } } You owe the Oracle a diet soda. --- 1076-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > OH GREAT ONE; > WHAT CAN I DO TO BE HOLY LIKE YOU? > > A And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Young A, I applaud your most worthy and becoming desire to achieve } sanctity! So many of today's youth are interested only in sex, drugs } and sneakers, but I detect in you a deeper spirituality that sets you } apart from the soulless bulk of contemporary humankind. } } But - be warned! - the road you are embarking on is long and arduous. } Along the way, you will have to cast off all the chains that bind } you to the material plane by fasting, self-denial and - above all - } meditation. But you can do it, I know you can. And the rewards will } be beyond your wildest imaginings! } } To get you started, let's try some meditation. Clear your mind and } focus your attention on some inanimate object in the room, it doesn't } matter what. I know! As you're seated at your computer anyway, let's } take the keyboard. Observe its rectangular form, its rounded corners, } its beigy colour, its slightly rough texture, its little green lights, } some on, some off. Observe its manifold keys of differing shapes and } sizes. Don't touch them! } } Let your mind become one with the keyboard. This may take some hours, } if not days, as this is your first attempt, but persevere. Just relax } and let it happen. Then, before you know it, you are no longer merely } observing the keyboard; you _are_ the keyboard! Hold that feeling! } Across your forehead stretch a row of function keys. Your right hand } is a numeric keypad. Your legs are short, plastic stubs which flip } up and down. Just beneath your skin, clusters of pressure-sensitive } pads pass information to a network of printed circuits. From your } navel, your umbilicus snakes out. It is plugged into the cosmic } motherboard! } } Try and hold this trance state for at least eight hours. You've } probably missed a few meals by now and are feeling the pangs of } hunger; just imagine they're really fingers clattering over the keys } covering your abdomen. } } Now, having mentally become one with the keyboard, you must physically } join with it as well. Take your left hand and slowly lower it. With } great care - but without looking! - touch your left index finger to } the fourth key from the top on the extreme left hand side of the } keyboard. Depress this key and then break contact immediately! Now } allow your mind to drift back into your own body. Breathe deeply and } become yourself again. Thus endeth the first lesson. } } Well, young A, I won't promise that you'll have attained enlightenment } after just this one session, but at least you'll have disengaged your } bloody Caps Lock key and done us all a favour. In our next lesson, } we'll cover the Zen qualities of a really good grovel. --- 1076-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle? Where am I? It's dark and this computer is the only thing I can > find. I can only hope you get this message before I starve... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh good, I love a challenge. Let's see - I guess I need to start with } the headers: } } > Received: (from jungledrum.fly.to) } > by oracle.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.7/8.8.7/IUCS_2.21) id OAA29759; } > Sun, 8 Feb 1998 14:27:07 -0500 (EST) } } So far so good. All right, it's been in the queue for a while, but I'm } a busy Being, you know. I can tell that the message came from one of } those 'vanity' domains, although the unschooled might assume that it } came from (hah!) The Republic of Tonga. } } Let's see... who administrates .to? Ah yes, H.R.H. Crown Prince } Tupouto'a, on the host tonic.to. Let's see who's responsible for } fly.to... } } Aha. The primary nameserver is in fact jungledrum. Let's do a whois on } jungledrum... } } Got it. AEFlygrrl@tol.to. Tonga Online, I guess. So she must have been } the one who sent the message. One last step - Check her TOL Personal } Profile: } } Name: Amelia } Location: 3rd atoll to the left, near where the sharks gather. } Age: "after 100, a grrl doesn't have to tell any more!" } Likes: Cats, unicorns, single-prop aircraft } Dislikes: The patriarchy, being stranded in the middle of the Pacific } Favorite Quote: "I'm running out of food! Someone get me off of here!" } } AEFlygrrl last logged on Tues, 10 Feb 1998. } } Oh. } } Someone call National Geographic - tell them we have good news and bad } news...