From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Sun Feb 14 00:10:30 1999 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.7/8.8.7/IUCS_2.21) id AAA20101; Sun, 14 Feb 1999 00:10:30 -0500 (EST) Date: Sun, 14 Feb 1999 00:10:30 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199902140510.AAA20101@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1077 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1077 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1077 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Sun, 14 Feb 1999 00:10:30 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1077 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1072 73 votes 2awo5 2cDh3 4amlg 2juk2 19fjt 2inl9 4iA96 itda3 5nv95 6lrd6 1072 3.1 mean 3.3 3.1 3.5 3.0 3.9 3.2 2.9 2.3 2.8 2.9 --- 1077-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me, Dear Oracle, > > What would you prefer, an Infocom parody, or an Eliza parody? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I would of course prefer a Robert McElwaine parody, but nobody seems } to do them any more.... } } Have you ever heard of Parry, the Eliza clone that simulates paranoid } behaviour? Now, can we imagine an Infocom game that did the same. } } > LOOK ROOM } } The room is empty. } } > WHY EMPTY? } } They've hidden the bugs so you can't see them. } } > SWEEP ROOM FOR BUGS } } I'm sorry, I don't understand 'SWEEP' } } > SEARCH ROOM FOR BUGS } } I didn't find any bugs. Perhaps the bug has been surgically implanted } into your brain while you weren't looking. } } > GO DOCTOR } } You are in the doctor's surgery } } > ASK DOCTOR TO X-RAY HEAD } } The doctor asks why you want your head x-rayed } } > SAY TO FIND BUG } } The doctor asks if you have a moth in your ear } } > SAY NO, NOT THAT KIND OF BUG, AN ELECTRONIC BUG } } The doctor looks at you strangely and says that he's not prepared to } x-ray your head for that reason. } } > INVENT REASON } } He is one of them, he was the one who put the bug in your head. Of } course he doesn't want to x-ray your head, he doesn't want you to find } it. } } > RUN SCREAMING FROM SURGERY } } As you, clothes akimbo, eyes bright red, run screaming from the } surgery, everyone in the waiting room suddenly stops speaking. } } > INVENT REASON } } They're all government robots sent to spy on you, and went quiet so } that anything you say will be transmitted straight to the secret } police. } } You owe this incarnation a ticket to a consciousness raising clinic so } that I won't make fun of the mentally ill in future. --- 1077-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I've just recently got to know two girls, they are sharing an apartment > and I am in quite a dilemma. I like both, but only have serious > intentions toward one of them. > > My question is thus: How do I date one of them without hurting the > other ones feelings, or should I throw all considerations overboard and > make my move, and hope not to crash and burn. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ignorant supplicant. Both of these girls are still living, and carbon } dating is only effective once the organism has been dead for about } 50,000 years. And if you date, one, you'll hurt the one you take the } sample from, not the other one. Remember to use a really sharp scapel } and use a local anasthetic. } } You owe The Oracle a tribolite fossil, but it must be Aries. --- 1077-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > MOMMY! MOMMY! > > I want the Oracle to answer my woodchuck question! > > MOMMY! And I want Og, Zadoc, and Lisa in the answer! > > MOMMMMMMMY! MOMMMMMY! > > WAAAH! WAAAH!! WAAAAAAH!!! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hush little Supplicant, don't you cry } Orrie's gonna ZOT! you by and by } If you ask the W**dch*ck question } And keep giving Zadoc indigestion } And if poor Zadoc's stomach's OK } Lisa will take aim and blow you away } And if by some chance Lisa doesn't hit } Og take club pound you to #$&*((Q*&@#!((*!&@#&(~NO CARRIER --- 1077-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How many types would a typeface face, if a typeface would face types? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The sun beat down on the deserted Main Street of Alphabet city. A lone } dustbunny came rolling by, and in the distance the shrill whistle of a } train could be heard, as if it was already mourning those who would } surely die here in the next couple of minutes. The big clock in the } church tower indicated 11.58. Suddenly the eerie silence (the train had } shut up by now) was broken by the thunder of hooves. Leading a big } dustcloud, in rode four mean-looking outlaws. They pulled their horses } to an abrupt stop in front of the saloon, tied them to a post and put } some silver dollars in the parking meters. They walked to the middle of } Main street and lined up alongside each other. A gust of wind made } their long coats flare up while scared eyes watched the notorious } TrueType Gang from behind closed curtains. At the far right was Eerie } Arial, skinny and wearing simple clothes. Next to him stood Tough Times } New Roman, who wore big spurs on his boots, and a wide brimmed hat. He } was flanked by Crazy 'Italic' Courrier, who definately looked skewed. } The last font was the meanest of them all: Warped Wingdings. Not much } was known about this character, except that he was one tough son of a } pitch. } } The bell in the clocktower started chiming its twelve o'clock } countdown. } } Inside the saloon, Miss Lucida C. was trying to convince our intrepid } Hero "Type Face" (Face for short) not to rise to the challenge. "Don't } go out there Face, you'll get deleted! I don't want to lose you, I love } you!". Face took her chin between his sturdy fingers, looked deep into } her eyes and said "You know we were never meant to be, babe, we're from } differen words. I have to go out there and finish those bastards. When } I'm done with them, they'll be deader than PostScript.". "Oh all right } then, if you must!" cried Lucida. "But before you go out there, give me } one last kiss!". Face kissed her long and deep. Emboldened, he went } outside, checking his holstered mousepointer one last time. He calmly } walked into the center of Main Street and faced the four outlaws while } the bell rang for the 12th time. } } The entire world seemed to hold its breath. } } Suddenly, WingDing drew his pointer and selected Face with one deft } double click. Just when he was about to delete him, Face minimized } himself, causing the selection to default to Courrier, who never knew } what hit him as WingDing pressed delete. Meanwhile, Times was trying to } close Face's window, but he quickly fired up a porn site in his browser } that opened 382 sponsor windows that all popped up in front of him, } forcing Times to close them all one at a time. The porn distracted } Arial so much that Face was able to delete his sourcefile, causing } Arial to disappear when his window was refreshed. Times was still busy } closing Explorer windows, but unfortunately he was using the latest } beta, which proved to be unstable. It blew up after the 128th window (8 } bit signed int overflow probably) and took the unfortunate font with } it. Wingdings, being the sole survivor of the once so proud TrueType } Gang, made a last desperate attempt to kill Face by going straight to } the Task Manager and terminating his process. Just when he was about to } click the "Kill Process" button, Lucida came up behind him and shot him } with a Powertoy. All that remained of the WingDing font was the } pointing finger, which limped away slowly, no longer a threat to } anyone. } } Lucida looked at Face, her own face a big (26pts) question mark. Face } shook his head. "I'm sorry dollface, but there are other types out } there that need facing.". And with a tear in his eye, he mounted his } horse and rode off into the sunset. } } You owe the Oracle some new fonts. Windows ate mine. --- 1077-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Julianna Avedon" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great Usenet oracle, most patient and wise of all, who can take > 100 tech support calls in the blink of an eye, and who has the power > to ZOT! annoying callers faster than blaring dialtone.... > > Why are some of the callers on my tech support line so dang annoying??? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Your call has been routed to the Usenet Oracle's Question Support Line. } } If you have a question that only the Oracle can answer, press 1, } If you have a question that someone besides the Oracle could answer, } press 2, then hang up, } If you have a question that the Oracle has answered a million times } before press 3 27 times, } If you don't have a question but just feel like hanging with the Oracle, } press 4, then hang up, then get a life, } If you have reached the Oracle by accident, press 5 } If you do not believe that you have reached the Oracle, despite all } evidence to the contrary, go away } } } Hi there. You are in communication with the Usenet Oracle. The Oracle } is all-powerful and all-seing, so -obviously- it knows you are holding. } Your question is important to us, so please stay on the line. Okay, } to be honest, your question is not that important to us, but it must } be important to you or you'd hang up and go away instead of wracking } up long-distance charges waiting for the Oracle who, quite frankly, } is busy and may be a while } } } Hi, you've reached the Oracle's Question Support Line. Your question is } obviously a conundrum of the highest order to require the Oracle's } special attention. } If your question pertains to space/time/dimensional paradoxes, press 1, } } If your question involves relationships/and/or/sexual entanglements, } press 2, } If your question is one the Oracle has answered a million times before } press 3 27 times, } If your question has anything to do with politics, press 4 } } } Hi, you've reached the Oracle's Question Support Line. Your question } is too mundane to be handled by the Oracle and we must request you } to take your business elsewhere. Also, you can't follow simple } directions, since you were supposed to hang up. You might start by } answering a question yourself: am I stupid or what? See if you can } successfully hang up this time. } } } Hi, you've reached the Oracle's Question Support Line. The Oracle is } tired of this question. Figure it out yourself, or read the Oracle's } archives at: http://www.pcnet.com/~stenor/oracle/archive.html. } If your question has anything to do with woodchucks, please destroy } yourself immediately. } } } Hi, you've reached the Oracle's Question Support Line. No one hangs with } the Oracle, got that? No one! And you were supposed to hang up, moron. } Like the Oracle would be seen with you.... } } } Hi, you've reached the Oracle's Question Support Line by accident. So } scram already. } } } Hi there, you are still in contact with the remarkably astute and } well-rounded Oracle. While your question gnaws feverishly in your } brain the Oracle is busy with many other things of excruciating import, } all of which are in line in front of you, unfortunately. Rest assured, } the Oracle will eventually get to you at some point, hopefully, maybe. } } } } Hi, you've reached the Oracle's Question Support Line for } space/time/dimensional paradoxes. Please continue to hold/held/will } hold depending upon temporal dislocality. The Oracle will be/has } been/is being with you soon/now/previously. } } } Hi, you've reached the Oracle's Question Support Line for } relationships/and/or/sexual entanglements. The Oracle will be with } you in a while, but if you've reached the point where you're asking the } Oracle for advice on your love-life, you're probably already screwed. } Or not screwed as the case may be. The Oracle just thought you should } know that. } } } Hi, you've reached the Oracle's Question Support Line for politics. The } Oracle is knowledgable in this as well as all other arenas. } If you're an ultra-conservative, press 1 } If you're a conservative, press 2 } If you're moderate, press 3 } If you're liberal, press 4 } If you're a socialist, press 5 } If you're a libertarian, figure it out for yourself. } } } The Oracle understands that you have serious concerns about the } nature of politics, and the disgusting excesses that run riot when } lesser beings than the Oracle feebly attempt to govern themselves. } Hold for quite some time and the Oracle will deign to grace you with } --if not an understanding of the scabrous nature of politics-- then } at least an appreciation for the sordidity of the whole affair. } } } Everything is the fault of the left-wing. Please hold. } } } It mostly the Democrat's fault. Please hold. } } } Extremeism is the root of all evil. Please hold. } } } It's the damn Republicans causing all of the trouble. Please hold. } } } Off the bourgeoisie, man! Hold please. } } If you ever get through to the Oracle, you will owe the Oracle bigtime. --- 1077-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I acknowledge you, Most Wise Oracle, as the first rudiment of being, > You are that which we lowly mortals need to listen to closely; > > Once we humans master DNA manipulation what will be the first ten > things well change about the bodies of future generations? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The TOP TEN THINGS WE'LL CHANGE ABOUT THE BODIES OF FUTURE GENERATIONS: } } No. 10: Fuller lips. } } No. 9: Smaller hips. } } No. 8: No Linda Tripps. } } No. 7: The bellybuttons of the future will attract no lint. } } No. 6: Flatulence won't be eliminated, but it will be in a variety of } pleasing fragrances. } } No. 5: Men will have a retractable shell that will virtually eliminate } athletic cups. } } No. 4: Unfortunately, so will women. } } No. 3: A freak accident will leave the entire population of Newark } looking like Abe Vigoda. } } No. 2: Over-eaters will be able to have their fingers replaced with } eating utensils. } } No. 1: The bodies of the future will have their own moon. } } You owe the Oracle about $300 worth of repairs to the Oraclemobile's } frame. --- 1077-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: surfbaud@waverider.co.uk (Dave Hemming) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > [This question is reserved for incarnations who are willing to write at > least ten lines for it. > > THIS MEANS YOU!] > > Oh, great Oracle, who knows the secret to life eternal, > > How will Zadoc die? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } [The following is an excerpt from _Zadoc: An Unauthorized } Biography_, by Suntee O'Clare, to be published in A.D. 2068.] } } Chapter XLII } The End of the Road } } It was a sunny day when Zadoc had been finally cast out of the } Oracular temple. Trudging resignedly (actually rolling pathetically) } down the stairs, he snickered joylessly to himself at the irony. } He, the great priest Zadoc, had been cast out -- not for his } multiple torrid affairs with the Oracle's girlfriend, Lisa, but } because his trademark sycophantic adulation had finally gotten to be } more than even the Oracle could stand. The single thing that had } gotten him so far in the priesthood was also his undoing. } } Now, he was little more than a senile old man in priestly robes } which, thanks to Lisa's keen fashion sense, made him stick out like } a hooker in a convent. Zadoc considered giving up at that point. } Actually, in all honesty, he threw himself in front of the first } passing tractor-trailer out of despair. The desired effect was not } achieved, however, for though the truck slammed into his frail old } body at nearly sixty-five miles per hour, Zadoc was utterly unhurt. } The truck driver gaped in awe as Zadoc stood, dusted himself off, } and wandered off, mumbling to himself. } } Zadoc spent most of the rest of the day trying to kill himself, with } absolutely no success whatsoever. Guns, poison, slit wrists, tall } buildings...nothing seemed to do the trick. A thought crept from } the recesses of Zadoc's mind. "What if..." he thought, "Yes...that } would explain EVERYTHING." In the days that followed, Zadoc } discovered all sorts of physical powers he had never had before. He } seemed nearly infinitely strong and fast. He was even somehow } suddenly able to fly. Almost without thinking about it, plans for } revenge against the Oracle began to crystallize in his head. One } day, he was ready, and he flew back to the Oracular temple for the } first time since his forced departure. } } Zadoc effortlessly ripped the twenty foot high oaken front doors } cleanly off the hinges, and advanced menacingly toward the Oracle, } who was worryingly calm. Zadoc stopped just in front of the } Oracular throne, and cut off the Oracle when he attempted to speak. } "SILENCE!" thundered Zadoc, "I've figured it all out now. The } abuse, the subjugation, all so I wouldn't discover my true } birthright, my DESTINY! Today, you PAY for your subversion!!!" } Zadoc felt flushed and weak suddenly, but he mentally wrote it } off to the excitement. Nothing would stop him this time. With } that, Zadoc produced a katana from within his robes. "There can BE } only ONE!" he roared, and lunged awkwardly to attack. The sword } seemed awfully heavy. Halfway to the throne, he collapsed, gasping, } every part of his body suddenly on fire with pain. } } The Oracle, who had not moved through all of this, looked upon Zadoc } with pity. "So close," he said, "but you got the wrong movie. } Honestly, I'd have thought the flying was a clue. All of the } above-ground walls in this temple, as well as the throne here, are } laced quite heavily with kryptonite as a safety measure, a sort of } contingency plan. Being all-knowing has its perks. Keeping you } crawling and slaving in the underground computer labs wasn't just to } keep your skin pasty white, you know. I doubt you even noticed } any effect this throne had on you before you got out in the sun, } especially considering your predilection for falling immmediately } to your knees anyway. There was simply no power in you for it to } sap. It was in my best interests to keep you out of the yellow } sunshine, you see, or at least it WAS until that jerk Kent refused } to send me my cut of his endorsement deals. The comic book, the } movies, the action figures...we'd agreed on twenty percent for me in } exchange for keeping you out of the picture. I don't know why he } decided to stiff me after all this time. I tried to get him to the } temple to discuss our arrangement man-to-man, but he's apparently a } lot smarter than you are. I have to admit that keeping the second } son of Krypton as my personal, snivelling, boot-licking slave had } its own appeal, but business is business. Did you really believe } that *I* had gotten tired of being sucked up to? Unfortunately, you } got it all wrong, as usual, and the chickens have indeed come home } to roost. You were right about one thing, though. There CAN be } only one..." The Oracle calmly turned the dial on his staff of } past "char-broil" and set it to "extra crispy." Then, shaking } his head sadly, he raised the staff, and the great Zadoc's ashes } scattered through the drafty hall. } } You owe the Oracle twenty percent of the Superman royalties from } "Seinfeld" alone. Oh, and a grovel. THIS MEANS YOU. They'll be } hard to come by when Zadoc's gone. --- 1077-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most ept and ebriated Oracle: > > I'm standing on top of a snow covered mountain. Both feet are firmly > strapped to a board, the underside of which is as frictionless as human > science can make it. The signs in front of me have black diamonds, > which my friends told me means "reasonably easy." > > What do I do now? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well. That depends on who you are. } } If you are: You should: } ------------------- ----------------------------------------------- } An experienced Lay off the drugs, because you're forgetting } snowboarder that double black diamonds really mean the } trail is "extremely difficult". } } An Olympic Take some more drugs, because for you, that } snowboarder trail really is "easy", so you might as well go } for it and earn some more "licensing fees". } Just don't take so many that you forget who to } send the "money" to. } } A new snowboarder Get some new "friends". } } A skier Get some new insurance. } } Someone having a Take off your clothes and wait till Janet Reno } dream passes by driving a giant carrot. Then leap } off the cliff. You'll fly briefly, then emerge } from a large pizza as a new topping. When you } wake up, you might want to see an experienced } snowboarder about some drugs. } } Sonny Bono Think back! Recall anything vaguely familiar? } } Bill Gates Go for it, dude! } } You owe the Oracle that cool little palm computer you used to do } email from a mountaintop. It's not like you'll be needing it any more. --- 1077-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What's the difference between a small blue rubber ball and a rosewood > clock with a quartz mechanism? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } HA! I've heard that one before, nice try, but you're not going to get } me to say that...my mother could read it! } } You owe the Oracle a small blue rubber ball and a rosewood clock with a } quartz mechanism. --- 1077-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, what miseries and mockeries did I experience, when as a boy, > I had not yet heard of you, now I am on the path to truth and order in > this world and I hope I might prosper, and excel in tongue-science. > > Will TV ever become a mature technology? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Don't fret, o Supplicant. } } Remember that any young technology has a rocky childhood, and is apt to } have some teething problems. } Consider, for example, the ballistic techology: } } * A million years ago, humans were confined to throwing rocks at each } other's heads. } } * Then, during the Roman empire, inventions such as the ballista and } the catapult allowed humans to hurdle large blunt objects as far as } half a mile, and miss with a higher degree of precision. } } * In the middle ages, the chinese invention called 'powder' was applied } to the ballistic technology, producing 'muskets' which allowed you to } hurdle *small* blunt objects against each other, and miss with an even } higher degree of precision. It also went 'BANG' wether or not you } actually *hit* something, an effect which was described by esteemed } scientist and inventor Leonardo Da Vinci as 'Pretty Cool!' } } * Five hundred years of further development (Cannons, Rifles, } Machine-guns, Rockets, Surface-to-air missiles, Air-to-air missiles, } ICBMs) later, we can now, from the safety and comfort of our own homes, } press a button and launch a massive array of highly destructive } ballistic weapons at nasty bandits like Saddam Hussein, Muammar Khadafi } and Mike Levy, and *still* see them appearing on television the next } day, going 'neener neener!' } } Which is just to say that any technology will mature with the demands } of its users. As the user demands for reliability, stability, } accountability and usefulness grow, so will the technology advance to } meet those demands. Naturally, this should apply to TV as well. } } Let's see what's on right now, shall we? } } } } "...Do you hear me, Hogan? The glove has been dropped, you big } momma's boy! Pick it up, or suffer eternal shame! Get up here in the } ring with me, and I'm gonna WIPE YOU OUT! I'm gonna make you CRY LIKE A } BABY! I'm gonna TIE YOU UP and MAIL YOU TO ABU DHABI! I'm gonna wring } you like a towel and use you to WIPE MY TOILET! I'm gonna...." } } Hmm. Political debates. Boring! } } } } "...And THUS spake THE LORD unto me: Thou shalt tell them to SELL } their WORLDLY POSSESSIONS, for they are EVIL and the TOOLS of the } DEVIL! And thou shalt tell them to SEND YOU THE PROCEEDS, so that thou } may coninue your HOLY QUEST for MORE FLASHY LIMOUSINES. And thou shalt } USE those proceedings as YOU SEE FIT. For I am THE LORD, and..." } } What's this? Oh, the IRS channel. Oh, goody! } } } } "BANG! BOOM! KER-SPLASH! KA-ZAAM! EKI-EKI-EKI-EKI-TA-PANG!!" } } CNN is getting pretty grimey lately... } } } } "Today on Ricki Lake: "I MARRIED A PSYCHO SERIAL KILLER, *AND* I'M } DATING MY FATHER. WHO SHALL I CHOOSE?" } } Yuck! } } } } "Tonight on Letterman: MIDGET JUGGLING, THROWING STUFF OFF OF } BUILDINGS, AND HUMILIATING PEDESTRIANS!!" } } } } "Oh, Ridge! You have to make up your mind. It's either me or Taylor!" } "Oh, Logan! How can I choose? I'm a devilishly handsome fashion } designer without so much as a hint of testosterone. } I must let my mother decide this, while I'm busying myself with } designing pink underwear and looking vulnerable..." } } } } "Oh Bill! You have to make up your mind. It's either me or Monica!" } "Oh, Rodham! How can I choose? I'm a big fat bob of political } shrewdness, without so much as a hint of credibility. I must let my } staff work on a statement, while I'm busying myself with evading } questions and chasing tails.. er.. votes..." } } Never though I'd see *them* on 'Jerry Springer'. Oh well... } } } } Well, Supplicant, you get the point. Television will be a mature medium } once the taste of its viewers has matured enough to alter the demands } for more culture, intellect and good taste. } } Specifically, this will happen once the entire human race has been } obliterated, and Earth is dominated by evolved Chihuahuas. } } You owe the Oracle a good book.... Oh, look! 'Baywatch' is on! You owe } the Oracle a VCR. With a Zoom function.