From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Tue Feb 16 09:29:44 1999 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.7/8.8.7/IUCS_2.21) id JAA00520; Tue, 16 Feb 1999 09:29:44 -0500 (EST) Date: Tue, 16 Feb 1999 09:29:44 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199902161429.JAA00520@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1078 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1078 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1078 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Tue, 16 Feb 1999 09:29:44 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1078 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1073 75 votes hvn22 3bwo5 3gtk7 cym52 5bllh 5gno7 3bukb 5gsec chub5 7lpca 1073 3.0 mean 2.2 3.2 3.2 2.3 3.5 3.2 3.3 3.2 2.7 3.0 --- 1078-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, who art in Zot, hallowed be thy name... thy kingdom come, > thy will be done, on Earth as it is in Zot, give me this day my > daily answer, and forgive me for my woodchuck questions, as I forgive > others for thier woodchuck questions, and lead me not into question, > but deliver me from Zadoc, for thine is the wisdom, the knowledge, > and the wittiness for ever and ever... Amends! > > How ya doin'? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Fine, thanks for asking! } } Y'know, that was possibly the nicest grovel I've seen in oh, say, 45 } minutes! } Why, here I was, idly answering supplications at a lazy rate of } 64,000 per minute (I'm fast. Just ask Lisa), thinking to myself: } "When am I gonna get a decent grovel from these impudent ingrates?". } And *ding* goes the mailbox, and something like this pops up, and I } think to myself 'Now that's more like it!'. } } I tellya, the quality of the average supplication today.... } } "ORACLE!" } } Huh? Who was that? } } "THIS IS JEHOVAH SPEAKING!!" } } Oh. Hi, Pop! How's it hanging? } } "TWO INCHES FROM A CROSS, JUST AS ALWAYS" } } Ha, ha. What can I do you for? } } "WHAT'S THIS _PRAYING_ BULLS**T YOU'RE GETTING?" } } Oh, it's just a very nice supplication (although I must admit the } actual *question* leaves something to be desi... } } "DO YOU HAVE THE AUDACITY TO CONDONE THIS?" } } Well, it's a very nice grovel, don't you think? } } "WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? *ME*?" } } Well, I *am* a Deity, you know... } } "YOU ARE NOT A GOD! YOU ARE VAIN AND FOOLISH!" } } Hey, be nice, okay, pal? You need to work on your people skills, you } know? And what's more, you need to TOGGLE THAT DAMN CAPS-LOCK KEY! } I'not deaf you know! And I am *TOO* a God!!! } See? I have a long beard! I have a long, flowing robe. I have cool } power-tools! I can incinerate any human being, building or piece of } legal evidence on a mere whim. Plus, I have a real crappy temper. And } I'm immortal, too boot! God material, for sure! } So there! } } "YOU ARE BUT A MERE INK-BLOTCH IN THE GIANT BOOK OF LIFE! } YOU ARE BUT A CIGARETTE IN AN 'AA' MEETING! } YOU ARE BUT A FLY-SPECK ON THE WINDSHIELD OF TIME! } YOUR SIGNIFICANCE IN THE GRAND SCHEME OF THINGS IS THAT OF A } DAVID HASSELHOFF SONG ON THE TOP 40! } YOU ARE BUT A QUARTER OF SCOTCH IN TED KENNEDY'S CUPBOARD! } } Ouch! That hurt! What's your beef, anyway? } } "MORTALS ARE SUPPOSED TO PRAY TO *ME*! } YOU'RE MUSCLEING IN ON MY TERRITORY!!" } } Oh yeah? So what? Whatcha gonna do about it, Big Boy? } } "AHM GOAN MESS YOU UP!" } } (whipping up the staff of Zot with gunslinger speed) } You coppin' a attitude, Boy? Wanna pick a fight, huh? } } "COME GET IT, BUBBA! IT'S RIGHT HERE!" } } (Pregnant pause, during which The Oracle sneaks around the Oracular } Halls, in a Miami Vice-style semi-crouch, holding his s.o.Z in front } of him with both hands. Kinda like Will Smith in 'Bad Boys'. Except } that he isn't black, OR funny, and looks pretty dorky in his white } robe.) } } Where _are_ you, anyway? I can't see you! } } "HAH! THAT'S WHAT ALL THE PHILOSOPHERS SAY! } KEEP'EM GUESSING, I ALWAYS SAY!" } } No fair! How'm Ah s'poseta ZOT yo ass if I cain't *seeya*? } } "JUST LIKE YOU DO THAT CRAP EBONICS IMITATION: } TRIAL AND FAILURE. MOSTLY FAILURE. HEH, HEH!" } } C'mon out, you big chicken! Fight like a man! } } (GOD appears, in a flash of blinding light) } } Aaaagh! My eyes! I'm blind! Oh God, I'm blind!!! } } "THIS IS EXCACTLY WHY I DON'T GET TO DATE MUCH." } } (The oracle fumbles blindly inside his long, flowing robe for a few } seconds, eventually producing a pair of Ray-Bans. He puts them on, } which makes him actually look pretty fly for a white guy.) } } Hah! I *knew* these would come in handy. I'm not omniscient for } nothing, you know. } } "WHAT DOES 'OMNISCIENT' MEAN?" } } It basically means that I'm very smart and knows how to spell tough } words. } } "ENOUGH PUSSYFOOTING! LET'S ROCK! } EAT FLAMING DEATH, HERETIC SCUM! } THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!!" } } (An enormous bolt of immensely powerful lightning thunders down, } incinerating the roof, and hits the Oracle right in the head) } } } } (Fortunately the Oracle, who knows how to spell 'Omniscient', has } anticipated this course of events, and has donned a } lightning-repellent helmet which, not only averts the lightning bolt } and saves his $200 hairdo, but also makes him look like a dork once } again. Oh well, you can't have everything, can you?) } } Nice try, Jehovah! Now EAT THIS! } } } } (GOD, who has tried to disguise himself as a piece of shrubbery, is } hit dead center by the powerful Zot ray, and is immediately set on } fire. So now you know where that 'burning bush' thing came from.) } } "OUCH! I SHOULDA TRIED THE "ZOT REFLECTOR DISGUISE" INSTEAD. } BUMMER!" } } Stings, don't it? Muahaha! Ready to fold, Bush-Man? } } (GOD, calling down a torrent of rain, puts himself out quite nicely, } and asssumes a more Zeus-like form. Complete with Marvel-style } lightning-bolts ready to throw.) } } "YOU WISH! TAKE THIS!!!" } } } } } } } } } } (A mighty battle ensues for eons, in which bolts of lightning and } Zotting fly everywhere, incinerating millions of dollars' worth of } property and looks pretty cool, to boot. Not enough exploding cars, } sadly, but you gotta save something for the sequel.) } } "Say, guys?" } } (The Oracle and God, in unison:) } } Huh? What? Who was that?" } "HUH? WHAT? WHO WAS THAT?" } } "It's me, Jesus. Remember me? } I'm the one who died for your sins, in order to save your } souls from eternal hellfire. Remember?" } } Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatcha want, Jesus? } "YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. WHATCHA WANT, JUNIOR?" } } "Do you relly think that this kind of conduct is appropriate } for divine beings? Aren't you acting a bit childishly?" } } (The Oracle and GOD, sulkily:) } } Umm, no. Well, yeah, maybe, but... } "UMM, NO. WELL, YEAH, MAYBE. BUT..." } } "Furthermore, do you really think that this 'street-jive' talk } you're faking so badly sets a viable example for today's } impressionable youth? Is this the kind of attitude you wish to } inspire on thousands of Usenet readers (where the damage is sadly } done, already)? } Don't you have any sense of conduct and responsibility?" } } (The Oracle and GOD, in perfect unison, say nothing.) } } "I'm frankly quite disappointed in the both of you. } You, Oracle, are supposed to be a 'Fountain of Wisdom', yet you } behave like a hubris-induced megalomaniac, requiring people to } grovel before you like a king, and tormenting and humiliating } your servants by requiring them to lick your boots. } A fine example to set for today's helpdesks, I'm sure. } And you, Father, are especially disappointing. I go to the } trouble of becoming mortal, living with and talking to and } preaching to common criminals and whores, just to promote your } image after those times you got drunk and mean and drowned the } earth, or destroyed a major city in the middle east, or boinked } some Jewish virgin. I go to extremes in non-violent, self-sacri- } ficing behavior to depict you as an entity of reason, kindness, } goodness and charity. } And you -- you blow it all by behaving like some street hoodlum } on crack with an inflated ego. I mean, *really*..." } } (The Oracle and GOD, in perfect unison:) } } } } } Hey, Jehovah, that was a pretty fancy hip shot! } } "WHY THANKS, ORRIE! YOU'RE PRETTY HANDY WITH THAT ZOT STAFF, } YOURSELF." } } Who did that snot-nosed do-gooder think he was, anyway? He approached } me without even trying to come up with a decent grovel, and then he } prompts several *rhethorical* questions, and doesn't even let me } answer. I mean, c'mon! I'm the Intenet Oracle, after all. He should } *know* the rules. } } "I KNOW. KIDS TODAY! NO RESPECT FOR THEIR ELDERS. YOU TRY TO RAISE } THEM, PAY THROUGH YOUR NOSE TO PUT THEM THROUGH SCHUL, AND THIS IS } THE THANKS YOU GET? I'M NOT EVEN SURE THE SANCTIMONIOUS LITTLE } BRAT WAS *MINE*..." } } You should have come to *me*. I would have told you. It would only } have cost you thirty pieces of silver, too. } } "NOW WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT? OH WELL, WATER UNDER THE } BRIDGE...." } } Tell me something, Jehovah... you know that 'trinity' thing? } } "YES?" } } ...where you, Jesus and the Holy Spirit are supposed to be *one* } enity...? } } "YES? WHAT ABOUT IT?" } } Well, I was wondering... Didn't you just *kill* him? } } "OH CRAP!!" } } (God turns into a pile of smoldering ashes) } } Heh, heh! Don't mess with the Omniscient! } } (The oracle puts away his staff of Zot, and sits down at his terminal } again, turning to the next supplication.) } } > Oh Oracle, who are far wiser than Zarathustra: } > } > My name is Friedrich, and I'm a big-shot German Philosopher. } > Recently I've been trying to logically prove the existance of God, } > but I've a hard time finding any evidence of his presence. } > You who are Omniscient; where *is* he, anyway? } } And In response, thus spake the Oracle: } } } Dear Friedrich, } } I have a newsflash for you... --- 1078-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle whose head is just big enough, so it's said, to contain all the > knowing that could be known, read or unread... > > Why is it that when I go to the coffee bar to meet chicks all I end up > meeting are other guys? Are the chicks going there to meet other > chicks or what? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Let me guess. The place you're going is a triangular purple } building named Drinky-Winky's, right? Try hanging out at Po-bucks } or Laa-Laa-Laate instead. } } You owe the Oracle something to put in Jerry Falwell's coffee. --- 1078-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > MAKE ORACULARITIES FAST!!! > > This letter was first written by an Oracular incarnation in Greece in > 438 B.C., and has traveled around the world at least 16 times. At > first I wouldn't believe that it would work, but after trying it, I am > now a believer in its mystical and magical power! > > This letter was received by an incarnation in Newport News, R.I. in > 1995 and within two weeks, he had completed a 17,000 line Oracularity > and made the Oracularities digest for the first time! A few years > later, another incarnation received this letter and sent it to 5 of her > friends, and she too completed a 3,100 line Oracularity which was so > full of in-jokes and Oracular cliches that it has been digested 3 times > so far! > > Simply write twenty lines of an Oracularity in response to the > supplication for each incarnation on this list. Than place your name > in slot #1 and move everyone else's name down one space. Send this > letter with your next ten tellme's, and within a month, you too will > have a digested Oracularity you can be proud of! > > 1. Phillippe Montreaux, Montreal > Poorly disguised w**dchuck question > > 2. William Gates, Redmond, WA > Geeky Unix man page parody > > 3. Elaine Freenblender, Sydney, Australia > Clinton joke > > 4. Zodoc, Bloomington, IN > Maze of twisty little passages all alike > > 5. Al Gore, Washington, DC > Quayle joke > > The last person who received this letter and did not respond was > tormented by having his own attempts at smart Oracularities rejected > with no explanation for 3 years. Today he works as a janitor in the > Public Library of Blatt's Half Apple, Montana, trying to sneak enough > time on a public terminal to submit an askme, making minimum wage, and > just generally regretting his terrible decision not to perpetuate this > letter. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I'll have you know that chain omens are illegal in this state of being. } } I've forward this post to Your Provider and his Updream Connection. } } Get used to life without any foresight at all sucker as you're } about lose it. --- 1078-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Damn hard drive crash, now I gotta write a new resume. Have you got a > decent Objective for me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } And to think, if we'd had Windows '95 back in 1939 World War II might } never have happened. } } You can repay The Oracle by invading Serbia. They deserve it. --- 1078-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Whooooooo whooooooooo whooooooooooo (rattle) whoooooooo whoooooo > whooooooo Whoooooo whooooooooooo (door creaks) whoooooooooo? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Phantom slowly, like gravy, silently approached. When it came, } The Supplicant bent down upon his knee; for in the very air through } which this Spirit moved it seemed to scatter doom[0] and misery. } } It was shrouded in the manner of a priest of The Oracle, which is } to say it looked like a dead-beat college student with a tendency } to eat pizza as it typed, caring not where the food fell. } } "I am in the presence of the Ghost of Questions Yet To be Mailed?" } said The Supplicant. } } The Spirit answered not, but made motions with it's hands as though } typing. } } "You are about to show me shadows of the questions that have not been } asked," The Supplicant pursued. "Is that so, Spirit?" } } The Sprit rolled it's eyes and mouthed the syllable 'D'oh". } } The Supplicant fell to his knees. ""Ghost of the Future Questions!" he } exclaimed, "I fear you more than any spectre I have seen! But Sprit, I } have learned. I saw the horror of questions past, the lame w..dch..k } variations I sent in, the dirty jokes, the Steve Wright rip-offs. And } I'll never forget seeing the horror of questions present, the endless } string of rhod in-joke asides and Monica cigar quips. I have learned } spare me the horrors of questions yet to be!" } } The Sprit placed his hands near his eyes and with thumbs on his lower } lids and forefingers on upper lids The Sprit made his eyes wider than } holes left in carcasses by 50 cal. rounds... } } "NO!" shouted the Supplicant. "Tell me the future will not belong } to the followers of the lemur!" } } to be continued . . . } } [0] many thanks to id software for allowing us to use this word. --- 1078-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > oh master... with huge big "O", and little r-a-c-l-e > i beg your wisdom on this matter... > > I'm increasingly worried by the definition of "sexual relations". > By some explanations, it would appear that I had sexual relations with > my mother 26 years ago, at birth. I'm worried... could this possibly be > true? Incest is illegal here. > > yours > El-Caro And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, but don't worry about being arrested: } you were decidedly under the age of legal } responsibility at the time. --- 1078-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle, I humbly ask for clarification of a recent Answer. > > That helpful incarnation said: > > >} Supplicant, supplicant, supplicant. Find yourself a nice UNATTACHED > >} girl. Frequent church socials, ask your friends if they known of > >} anyone, go to cultured events like art shows or viola concerts. > > What do I do if: > > 1. I don't belong to a church. > 2. My friends are not match makers or particularly helpful in this > area. > 3. The only cultured events around here are associated with the local > university and as such most of the people there are far younger > than I. > > Also, how can you tell if someone is unattached? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } > 1. I don't belong to a church. } } Join one. Avoid operations that operate out of store-fronts, } work airports or chop off body parts for rules infractions. } } > 2. My friends are not match makers or particularly helpful in this } > area. } } Get new friends. You could meet new friends at church, or a } cultured event. Or you ask your friends if they know of any. } } > 3. The only cultured events around here are associated with the local } > university and as such most of the people there are far younger } > than I. } } Supplicant! picky-picky-picky. You're the only male supplicant } in the last 14 years to complain about having to date a college } girl due to her age. } } > Also, how can you tell if someone is unattached? } } Well, this site will show you what an attached female looks like. } You can figure it out from there. } http://www.skallas.chicagonet.net/twins.html } } You owe the Oracle two sailor caps. --- 1078-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle Most Witty and Kind, most Cool and Cruel, most Feared and > Reververed; > > Did The Creator get a clean compile the first time? Or is that why it > took seven days or what? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, actually, it took almost seven thousand years for God to get it } right. That's why, in II Peter 3:8, He writes: } } "But, beloved, be not ignorant of this one thing, that one day } is with the Lord as a thousand years, and a thousand years as } one day", } } Thereby avoiding the wrath of His supervisor by simply redefining the } word "day". This also explains why a certain well-known software } company has a habit of redefining words and phrases such as "useful" } and "reliable" and "No, really, Your Honor, it is NOT an evil torture } device from the Seventh Circle of Hell" -- God did, after all, create } man in His image. } } You owe the Oracle one day of slavery. --- 1078-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, Oracle of oracles, miracle of miracles, walker between > worlds and expert for multi-culturalism please tell me: > > Why do so many people outside of Germany think that all > Germans behave like Bavarians? Actually, what makes them > think Bavaria is a part of Germany after all? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Howdy, pardner! This hyar's the all-Amurkin, rootin' tootin' Innernet } Oraycle speakin', jest a-rarin' tuh mount up an' lassoo me a few } stray dogies out offen that thur question queue. Yeehaw! } } Whut's that yuh say? Shyoot, Ah cain't burley make out a ward. } Y'all furrin or sumthang, boy? } } Bayvarians, yuh say? Now whut in tarnation is a dang Bayvarian? An' } whah wud Ah thank a Germin wus a Bayvarian? A Germin's one of them } thur furrin fellers whut wayrs leather shorts an' keeps his shavin' } brush in his sombrero, durn silly place fer it. An' you coyotes dun } start the last war, dintcher, yuh ornery li'l varmints? But we dun } whup you good! That'll lern yuh tuh go a-puttin' prickly burrs under } Uncle Sam's saddle blaynket, if yuh catch mah drift. } } Y'all owe the Oraycle (incarnated as Gabby Hayes, evidently) a multi- } cultural perspective. --- 1078-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, antithesis of a katerfelto, cause of hours of rapturous > applause. Like a Kerchief of Plesaunce to the Soul you are the Smartest > being to have ever logged on anywhere. > > Please, Wisest One, comment on the following: > > It is said: `If the bridegroom drinks therefrom before the bride, he > will be master of his house; but if the bride gets the first draught, > the mare will be the better horse.' > > Is this true? Is there a better, more modern way to determine this same > fact? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, no, no. That one won't work at all anymore. Those "wedding } planners" have the first sip of champagne scheduled like everything } else on the little bridal checklist (item 127: Dance with bride's } father. 145: Throw garter. 303: Have an affair.), so it's no good } for prognostication. Here's an updated version: } } "If the groom sends the first e-mail from the honeymoon, than he } will be dominant in the marriage; if the bride does, her filesystem } will rule. (If they log on at the same time because they both } brought computers on their honeymoon, the marriage will be a long } and happy one.)" } } You owe the Oracle a set of wedding vows applicable to people who } met and fell in love online.