From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Fri Mar 19 16:22:43 1999 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.7/8.8.7/IUCS_2.21) id QAA15224; Fri, 19 Mar 1999 16:22:43 -0500 (EST) Date: Fri, 19 Mar 1999 16:22:43 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199903192122.QAA15224@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1083 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1083 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1083 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Fri, 19 Mar 1999 16:22:43 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1083 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1078 76 votes b7clp dqm87 9xl76 ktk52 cns94 fpl87 8osa6 5guj6 6rpf3 2jtl5 1078 2.8 mean 3.6 2.6 2.6 2.2 2.6 2.6 2.8 3.1 2.8 3.1 --- 1083-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I don't understand at best, cannot speak for all the rest. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } At becomes more comprehensible when you understand that he suffers from } a severe inferiority complex. Overshadowed by more powerful cousins } like about and around, he can only dream of the ponderous sonority of a } macho swaggerer whereupon or an approximately. } } It is insecurity, not ideology, that compels at to ethnocentric } diatribe against a, his Hispanic counterpart, whom he accuses of racial } inferiority. You have only to see him toady before a member of old } Roman ad stock to understand his pathetic yearning for pedigree. He } positively prostrated himself when an old Sanskrit adh came parading } himself with his bell-chiming, chanting followers. } } At best? Contradiction in terms. } } You owe the Oracle a postposition. --- 1083-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > > Oracle of wisdom, from whom knowledge and wisdom flows free and > > smooth like melted butter on the head of a bald monkey, enlighten me. > > > > If 15 men, 2 women, and 7 trained monkeys can dig a hole in two > > days (working from 8:30 A.M. to 5:30 P.M., with two 11 minute breaks > > and one 26 minute lunch on the first day, and working from 8:00 A.M. > > to 6:00 P.M. with three 6 minute breaks and one 31 minute lunch on the > > second day), how long will I take 12 men and 13 W.O.O.D.C.H.U.C.K.S. > > to dig half a hole? > > For clarity, the group of 15 men are made up of 10 common, > ordinary men, Michael Jordan, Dan Rather, Chris Rock, David Letterman, > and Axel Rose. The two women are Monica Lewenski and Sporty Spice. The > monkeys are unknown circus stars. > > The 12 men in the second group are all former politicians. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I find your grovel sufficiently grovelishimous, so with my incredible } powers I shall conduct this experiment. } } --------- } To: PSC Contractors } From: The Internet Oracle } Re: Hole-digging project } } Got a little project for you guys, the details are attached. The usual } fees, I assume. I'd appreciate a complete report from the site foreman } on how things go. } } T.I. Oracle } } -------- } To: The Internet Oracle } From: PSC Contractors } Re: Re: Hole-digging project } } Oh great and wise Oracle, whose very bones are like flawlessly } engineered suspension bridges, and whose wisdom, if it were a building, } could withstand any disaster with not so much as a broken window, } you honour our lowly wormlike selves with your request. } } No problem Orrie, we'll get right on it. You'll have the report by } the end of the week. } } } One week later... } } -------- } To: The Internet Oracle } From: PSC Contractors } Re: Hole-digging project completion report } } Oh great and wise Oracle, who could with only a crayon and a slide } rule design such a great and majestic highway system that any who } drove on it would be enthralled to drive on it forever, and before } whom we are not even worthy of constructing a simple addition to a } typical suburban bungalow, we have not failed you. } } ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ } FOREMAN'S REPORT } Project number: OR723-A } Project description: Hole-digging } Client: T.I. Oracle } Work crew: *Supplied by client } ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ } } Tuesday, March 2, 1999 } 8:30AM: Crew A arrives at work site, work commences on hole #1. } } 8:31AM: News crew arrives and begins harassing Ms. Lewenski. Apparently } they have mistaken her for Monica Lewinsky. } } 8:33AM: Dan Rather takes the opportunity to quiz Michael Jordan about } his retirement. The two agree to produce an hour-long special } and depart for the studio. } } 8:38AM: Sporty Spice drives off the reporters with a brief solo } performance of "Wannabe". Sporty and Monica leave for a nearby } coffee shop to discuss the pressures of fame. } } 8:53AM: The 10 common, ordinary men are a little annoyed at the rapid } rate of celebrity departures, but Letterman creates a "Top 10 } Reasons to Dig a Hole" list to maintain morale. The remaining } celebrities agree to stay and help - but actual physical labour } wasn't in their contracts. } } 9:20AM: One of the "ordinary" men was revealed as FBI Agent Fox Mulder } when a mysterious red-haired woman arrived and dragged him off } the site, muttering "...little green men....black project...and } now this! Construction!" } } 9:56AM: The crew takes an 11 minute break. } } 10:07AM: Work resumes. } } 10:31AM: Without warning, the SPCA swoops down on the site and confis- } cates the trained monkeys for violation of the animal labour } codes. Apparently the monkeys are guaranteed *three* bananas } each at coffee break, and they only received two bananas and a } stale donut. } } 12:00PM: Remarkably, work has progressed without incident to this point, } so the crew take a well-deserved lunch. } } 12:26PM: The crew return to work. } } 12:27PM: Ever alert for the workers' rights, government agents storm } the work site - apparently a 26 minute lunch is illegal under } recent legislation. One of the 9 common, ordinary men is } revealed as James Bond as the MI-5 arrives to fend off the } government offensive. } } 2:03PM: With the siege finally lifted, work resumes. Another 11 minute } break was taken during this period. } } 5:00PM: Work stops. Not long after the crew leaves for the night, evil } agents of W.O.O.D.C.H.U.C.K.S (Woodchucks Overdosed On Dubious } Chemical Hallucinogens Unsteadily Chucking Kamikaze Squirrels) } bomb the site with a fleet of kamikaze rodents, filling in } the hole! } } Wednesday, March 3, 1999 } } The full report of the day's work has been censored, as it contains } possibly offensive references to certain management procedures, illicit } drugs, and woodchucks. Suffice it to say that the hole was completed. } } Thursday, March 4, 1999 } } 9:00AM: Second crew arrives at the work site. The former politicians, } after conferring briefly, announce that they have claimed 50% of } the first crew's (already completed) hole in taxes, using small } wording loopholes in the tax code that they introduced during } their terms in office in anticipation of just this situation. } } 9:01AM: Second crew declares that they are finished. } } ---------------------------------------------------- } As you can see, supplicant, it will take approximately 1 minute for } the second team you describe to dig half a hole. } } You owe the Oracle the other half of the hole. --- 1083-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Rich McGee The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > A is for awesome, which the Oracle definitely is > B is for being so big that we all say "gee whiz!" > C is for computers, which bring us to you > D is for the dedication that is due > E is for everything that you know > F is for your followers neatly in tow > G is for great - that's what you are! > H is for holymoley, you're the best by far! > I is for intelligent, for we admire your brain > J is for judgement and always being sane > K is for killing that big fat woodchuck > L is for Lisa who knows how to...knit > M is for making supplicants happy > N is for not making the answers all crappy > O is for the Oracle, obviously > P is for the priests, whom we thank muchly > Q is for quite impressive, Orrie, old chum > R is for RHOD and those bunch of bums > S is for being so smart and such > T is for thoughtful in not zotting us much > U is for Usenet, where you got started > V is for very innocently asking who farted > W is for willingness to tell us stuff > X is for...um...'xcellent...good 'nuff > Y is for You, Orrie, the Great, Wise, and Fair > Z is for Zadoc who is stealing your chair!! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } That was great Children... now let's sing the Supplicant Alphabet!! } } A is for Answers of which we do seek } B is for Bastards, cuz we're slow and weak } C is for Coughing, we'll all get the plague } D is for Dying it's really a drag } E is for Everything, to which the Oracle we owe } F is for Froups where we put on a show } G is for Gutless, Spineless little punks } H is for How can we all be such Chumps? } I is for Injury we get when Og's Hot! } J is for Jury, with the Oracle we get not. } K is for Killing, which the Oracle doesn't refrain } L is for Lust from Lisa driving us Insane! } M is for Mutants of Oracle we are } N is for Nitwits which out number supplicants by far } O is for Opinions which are wrong to question } P is for Peons walking around with no expression } Q is for Questions, of which we do ask } R is for Rowdy and lacking in class. } S is for Sex, to which Lisa we beg for } T is for Trouble which is in store } U is for Uneventful, the human era is } V is for Vasectomy, what every man should get done to his } W is for Worthless, need I say more? } X is for X-tinction, when man is gone forevermore. } Y is for Yelling from the Oracle to our ear. } Z is for Zotting, we cower in fear. } } You owe the Oracle the song again in C Minor. --- 1083-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hello, I'd like this to be Internet Oracularity number 1083-04, please. > Thank you. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Not asking a lot, are we? I mean, getting digested is no problem for } a professional incarnation like me. I belong to that select band who } has copies of the photos from the priesthood's annual retreat in Fiji, } July 1997. All it requires is the casual insertion of a key phrase } or two in my answer (eg, "Spandex", "nude bungy", "Black & Decker", } "inflatable Gillian Anderson dolls"), and the priests know that, if } they fail to select, my Website will soon be sporting some truly } interesting JPEGs. } } However, the order of oracularities in the digests is entirely in the } hands of Steve Kinzler, and it pains me to have to admit that even I } don't have anything on him. The best I can suggest is you send him a } letter along the following lines: } } "Dear Mr Kinzler, } I am a patent attorney and part-time crusader for human rights. It has } recently come to my attention that you are having a spot of bother } vis-a-vis the copyright on your Internet Oracle . As this kind of } victimization of the individual by amoral, faceless corporations is } exactly the sort of thing I seek to stamp out, I hereby offer you my } services absolutely free of charge and with no strings attached, should } litigation become a necessity. In the meantime, there is one tiny favor } you could do me if you were so inclined..." } } It's worth a try. --- 1083-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > So, Orrie, how are you doing in the tournament pool? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } For those of you at home who don't know what the supplicant is talking } about, March is the one month out of the year I temporarily turn off my } omniscience and enter the Oracle office NCAA tournament bracket pool. } I'm a big basketball fan, and so I like to show off every year by } picking the winners without having to use my special powers of infinite } knowledge. } } So far, here's how some of us are doing: } } Lisa: Every team I picked to win, she picked to lose, and vice versa. } This method never works for her. I always end up taking her money, } dancing a little victory dance in front of her when I beat her, and } then I end up sleeping on the couch for three days. Which is what I } think she wants in the first place... } } Zadoc: I basically strong-armed Zadoc into the pool just to up the } money total. He really has no clue. Zadoc picked "Gonzaga" to go all } the way and win the final. I asked him to explain why and he said } "Because I like gazongas!!" I had to explain to him that the team name } was "gon-ZA-gah," not "gah-ZON-gah." So he changed his bracket and had } Temple going all the way. When I asked him why, he said because } Temple's mascot was the owl, and "I like hooters!!!" I sent him to his } room. } } Og: Had to disqualify him. I gave him the bracket, and for every blank } he had to fill in, he would say "Og ask chick-en." Then, he'd go talk } to his so-called "psychic chicken." This process took a total of three } days from start to finish. When he finally got his tournament picks } done, I grabbed his bracket and looked at the picks. Every blank was } filled in with the words "cluk cluk bawk." I smacked him and sent him } to his room. } } Ogwa: Who'd have guessed this one? She's picked all but five blanks } correctly. I pressed her on how she did such a good job of picking even } though she's never seen a basketball game in her life. She said "Ogwa } have help from shiny head man Dick Vi-tale." Hoi. I guess it's who you } know, not what. } } and finally, Me, the Oracle. How has the omniscient one fared? } Horrible. My final winner is already out of the picture. Thanks a whole } flippin' lot, Bobby Knight. } } You owe the Oracle a big Hoosier foam finger. --- 1083-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > tell me about your abilities. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Top 100 Abilities of The Internet Oracle } ---------------------------------------- } } 100 Pest Control, specialising in large rodents. } } 99 Not only knows when Alfred Hitchcock makes his cameos in all of his } movies, but can track every molecule of air ever breathed by AH when } they appear in other movies. } 98 Not only able to best 'The Alien' in battle, but able to teach it } to 'fetch'. } 97 Able to encorage Robin Williams to make a movie that isn't soppy. } 96 Able to dress up in drag much more convincingly than the cast of } "To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything" (including giving birth on } screen). } 95 Can not only dial home for E.T., but sell him a Mobile Phone } contract at twice going rate. } 94 Can cast Frankenstein, Dracula, The Mummy, Godzilla, and The Spice } Girls in 'Hamlet', and get the critics to hail it as a masterpiece. } 93 Can actually apply makeup to make Barbra Streisand look like a 17 } year old. } 92 Can make a statement that Spock will agree is 'logical'. } 91 Not only knows that Citizen Kane meant by 'Rosebud', but can list } every meal eaten by him during his life solely by analysing his dying } abdominal gurgles. } 90 Can capture Blues Brothers without crashing a single car. } } 89 Able to write perlscript readable by people who don't know } perlscript. } 88 Not only able to make images change when you run the mouse over } them on a web page, but have them stack their clothes neatly in the } corner of the page. } 87 Able to find out the serial numbers of PIII chips even if they're } all of 'turned off in software', 'not connected to the internet', and } 'not manufactured yet'. } 86 Able to write html '' in prolog, and have them work, even } in lynx! } 85 Has so many '+++'s in his 'geek code', that my .sig only just } fits on a ZIP disk. } 84 Can write Java code that runs faster than Native Applications. Even } if it's being run by Java 1.0.2 being run by SoftWindows, on a Mac. } 83 Can write an AI program that can not only pass the Turing Test, but } design an even better test of intelligence that no human would have a } chance at. } 82 Can write sorting algorithm capable of sorting random real numbers } in O(0) time. } 81 Not only knows from whence a spam email was sent, but exactly what } grime the sending spammer had on his fingers when s/he typed it out. } 80 Knows whatever happened to Forth, COBOL, PL/I, and all those other } languages that no-one ever mentions nowdays. } } 79 Ability to pat own head vertically while rubbing stomach } circularly. } 78 Can break world record for long-jump with all limbs tied behind } my back. } 77 Can throw javelin so that it loops the world once and then still } lands 'ahead' of the competitors. } 76 No, make that loop the world two or three times. } 75 Can live off steroid drugs solely for three months and still pass } the drug test. } 74 Can clean and jerk cleaner and more jerkily than anyone. } 73 Can manage the Arrows Formula One Team more effectively than } Tom Walkinshaw. } 72 OK, OK, can manage a Forumla One Team more effectively than a } senile warthog, is that better? } 71 Can not only encourage Michael Schumacher and Damon Hill to coexist } on the same team, but race in the same car. } 70 Able to manage English Soccer Team so well, even the tabloids will } admit that I've done a good job. } } 69 Can cook an omlet in a Hangi. } 68 Can make a sauce from flour with no lumps at all, even if the flour } had already been baked as bread, and left in a pyramid for 3000 years. } 67 Can mix up a cake mix that will rise even if Rosanne is sitting } on it. } 66 Can create an English breakfast which is 0% fat. } 65 Can sprinkle parmesan randomly on a plate so that it produces a } picture of Jesus Christ. } 64 Can make a hotter chili than David Sewell. } 63 Can then eat same chili. } 62 Can cook vegetarian meat substitutes so that they come out looking } and tasting vaguely like meat. } 61 Knows the life history of every bacteria in a pot of yogurt. } 60 Can teach all those bacteria to 'fetch'. } } 59 Can make Luc French post an off-topic post to rhod and *enjoy it* } 58 Can make Kenneth Sorling post ON-topic. } 57 Can phrase questions for Ross Clement's Oracle Search Engine } Natural Language Interface so that it actually gets the answers right. } 56 Able to best any number of Siamese Fighting Fish in combat, even } when allowances is made for weight differences down to the milligram. } 55 Can tell all the Tims on RHOD apart. } 54 Able to spend all day incarnating, and still complete all my work } to deadlines. Even if those deadlines are 'yesterday'. } 53 Able to do 'Australian' Ian Davis impersonation that won't be } faulted by other antipodeans reading RHOD. } 52 Not only able to go to South America and assist in the creation of } a Spanish Oracle Server, but can establish them in distant alien } civilisations. } 51 Can squeeze my shoulders together so that I have better breasts } than [Female RHODite who will remain nameless] } 50 Can make Richard Wilson admit that American spelling is more } logical than English Spelling (even though it isn't). } } 49 Not only am I able to write a publishable first novel, but I could } convince any publishing house on the planet to publish my zeroth one. } 48 Able to do it much better than any butler. } 47 Can come up with 1000 rhymes for 'orange', and craft superb puns } out of each of them. } 46 Not only knows all the ins and outs of legal rhetoric, but can sway } a jury so convincingly that they all fall over. } 45 Not only knows which Shakespeare plays were written by Bacon, but } which by Sausages, which by Spare Ribs, and which by Sweet and Sour. } 44 Not only able to transmit simple text by semaphore, but .GIFs, } .MIDs, and fullscreen MPEG video. } 43 Not only knows all axioms in group theory, but able to generalise } them to include group sex theory. } 42 Can write proof of Fermat's Last Theroem on the head of a pin. } 41 Can then write Lord's prayer on the dot of one 'i' in proof. } 40 Only being in world capable of writing three line limericks. } } 39 Able to search for web pages with the keywords 'tongue', 'finger', } and 'Sex' without a single porn site coming up in the list. Even on } Altavista. } 38 Can get a used-car salesman to tell me exactly what I want to know, } with no attempts to get me to look at 'this little beauty'. } 37 Not only knows which cars on the lot are 'lemons', but which } ones are limes, grapefruit, mandarines, and breadfruit. } 36 Guys hanging around hotels in Morroco actually ask ME to } show them around the markets. } 35 Can talk Iranian Prime Minister to not only 'lighten up' a little, } but get him to enter the world hula-hoop championships. } 34 Can fly a baloon around the world in seconds, even if all the } preparation was done by Richard Branson. } 33 Is so popular that Pamela Anderson creates web-sites about ME. } 32 Could talk Spamford Wallace into giving up antisocial behaviour } (though I prefer to wait until he's built up so much bad Karma that } I'll feel justified throwing him into the pit of torment for all } eternity) } 31 Can actually make $50,000 from a small initial $5 ''investment'' } 30 Knows how to get telemarketers never to phone him again (no, not } that way, they stay alive). } } 29 Not only capable of motivating my subjects to build giant pyramids } in my honour, but capable of getting my enemies to do the same. } 28 Able to build a giant wall that will not only keep out the } Mongols, but will not allow one of their soccer balls to bounce over } into my kingdom. } 27 Not only able to write a book far surpassing 'The Karma Sutra', but } being justified in subtitling it 'My Autobiography'. } 26 Capable of domesticating animals not only so that they accompany } me on hunts, but so that they play fully orchestrated symphonies for } me upon my return. } 25 Able to get a cat to do as *I* please. } 24 Not only capable of sailing off to discover America, but capable of } towing it back to Europe behind me. } 23 Able to rid any number of Monarchs of 'Accursed Priests'. } 22 Not only capable of encouraging Monarchs to exchange their kingdoms } for horses, but able to talk them into exchanging their kingdom for a } diseased stoat. } 21 Not just able to drag huge stones hundreds of miles to form } Stonehenge, but able to play knucklebones with them. } 20 Able to bang bigger than the big one. } } 19 Able to fly faster than a speeding bullet shot along the direction } of travel on a train travelling at the speed of light. } 18 Able to cause more and bloodier wars than the Babelfish. } 17 Not only knows when the universe will stop expanding and shrink } back down to a huge ball of matter, but has already successfully } tendered for the contract to supply a worker to mop up the universe } after it has all finished (An involuntary groan is heard from Zadoc). } 16 Not only can I prove Fermat's last theorem, but I have rewritten } the proof into a hit musical. } 15 Not only do I know the square root of -1, I used to be its roomie } back in '74. } 14 Able not only to prove the four coloured map theorem, but able to } colour any abstract map with one colour and still no two adjacent } countries will be coloured the same. } 13 Able to double my returns from my real estate investments by } sculpting the land into a Mobius Strip and selling both sides. } 12 Able to prove 1 + 1 = 2 by recursion. } 11 Knows parameters for The Julia Set which will produce exact } replicas of all of Leonardo Da Vinci's paintings. } 10 Able to last so long in bed that my condoms are all millenium, and } trillenium compatible. } } 9 Hands so skillful that not just 'she' has a climax, but the bed, } and the other pieces of furniture in the room do so too. } 8 Is so good at pickup lines that I can get the statue of The Venus } Di Milo to skip out from the Lourve and come home with me. } 7 Can give such a 'smoldering' look that bare rocks catch fire. } 6 So funny that Queen Victoria would not just be 'amused', but would } be in convulsions for a week. } 5 So handsome that my features are not just 'chiseled', but have been } gone over with fine emery paper. } 4 So widely popular that I don't contact Inter[national]Flora on } Valentines Day, but Inter[galactic]Flora. } 3 Possessor of such good taste that I advise people to buy The } Muttonbirds' latest album 'Rain, Steam, and Speed' whereever possible. } 2 Able to write 'Top 100 Lists' in any order I please, so that I get } to 2 and still have a gap of 10 to go back and do again. } 1 Can easily write 100-line answers to supplications (only just). } } [Gasp gasp gasp] } } You owe The Oracle a list of your own abilities. Try to come up with } at least three. --- 1083-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > oh wise oracle... > would you please tell me what cations and anions i have in > the substance, i have to analyze . And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Wow! I'm not sure I can even DIAGRAM that sentence, much less figure } out what the heck you're talking about! Let's see here: } } cations } __________ } | \ | / | } you | would tell \ me | / a| } _____|_____________\____|_____/ n| } | \ \ \ d| } | \ please \ \ | anions } | \ \ \_|________ } \ \ } \ (that) } \ | } \ I | have } \____|_________ } |\ } | \ in } \ substance } \___________ } \ \ } \ the \ that } \ \ | } \ I | have to } \ | analyze } \___|________ } | } | } } Ahh! Now I see. Well, you can expect to find the following CATions: } } Fe-Li Ca C-H-Es+ } x \ \ } Tb = Er+ S-H-I=Re } } Here you should detect these ONions: } } Sc-Al Li-As S-H=Al-La-T } \ / \ } Li-O-N-S V-I-Dy S } } U - O - Th = O - Ra - Cl (a) F - Re Ra - Dy - C - Al } e- e- e- --- 1083-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Gimme a pun. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Muwahaha! No grovel was done } with terse demand for a pun. } So...a limerick and sonnet } With a pun slapped upon it, } -and verse- is yet to come. } } Oh my, I'll cast such a pall } The priesthood will clamour and squall, } "Have mercy, for pity sake!" } "Give our lawyers a break!" } - "Remember, you can't venom all!" } } I've not had my coffee today } & forgiveness is not may way. } I'll launch such a *ZOT* } It'll weld your bald spot } And then there'll be hell toupee. --- 1083-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Does anybody use UUCP any more? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmmm... } } throughout the history of the Earth there have been various } methods of data transfer...strangely they can be arranged } in alphabetical order. } } AACP amoeba to amoeba copy } BBCP bacteria to bacteria copy } CCCP - disintegrated in 1991 } DDCP dinosaur to dinosaur copy } EECP elephant shrew to elephant shrew copy } FFCP frog to frog copy } GGCP garpike to garpike copy } HHCP hippopotamus to hippopotamus copy } IICP iguana to iguana copy } JJCP jellyfish to jellyfish copy } KKCP kiwi to kiwi copy } LLCP lemming to lemming copy } MMCP mammoth to mammoth copy } NNCP numbat to numbat copy } OOCP oracle to oracle copy } PPCP potto to potto copy } QQCP quagga to quagga copy } RRCP reel to reel copy } SSCP slide rule to slide rule copy } TTCP tape to tape copy } UUCP unix to unix copy } VVCP vax to vax copy } WWCP windows to windows copy } XXCP x-windows to x-windows copy } YYCP yahoo to yahoo copy } ZZCP Zadok to Zadok copy } } Over the past thousands of years we have worked our way } through most of these. Some have become extinct. It } looks like UUCP will be one of them because, I fear, as } the millenium ends, we will reach the end of the } alphabet. Beware the Zadok bug!!! It causes everything } to crash whatever the date! --- 1083-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Top O' The Mornin' To Ye, O Oracle, who could drive all the snakes > out of the Chicago City Council, where they came after St. Patty > drove 'em outta Ireland. > > Sure'n I'm wonderin', > How many lepers would a leprechaun con if a leprechaun could con > lepers? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } O'zot!