From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Sat Jun 12 10:58:04 1999 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.9.3/8.9.3/IUCS_2.28) id KAA19326; Sat, 12 Jun 1999 10:26:19 -0500 (EST) Date: Sat, 12 Jun 1999 10:26:19 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199906121526.KAA19326@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1101 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1101 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1101 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Sat, 12 Jun 1999 10:26:19 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1101 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1096 63 votes 8fje7 37ns2 5et96 7cqb7 9in85 49ll8 8ioc1 5dij8 9hkf2 4aiid 1096 3.0 mean 3.0 3.3 3.0 3.0 2.7 3.3 2.7 3.2 2.7 3.4 --- 1101-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Alyce Wilson The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, > > What specifically are the problems in a long-distance relationship? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, in your case the problem is that they can't get the } distance long enough. Honestly, soap won't kill you, you know? } But that wasn't really your question. The problems of } long-distance relationships fall into two categories, things you can } control, and things you can't control. The main item in the } second category is that she will met someone just like you only richer } and better looking and without B.O. that can jam radio transmission. } Of course, you can make the armpit noise thing, but the temptation } is there. But as I said you can't control that without patrolling } the area with automatic weapons, and if you could do that then you'd } be close enough to date. } So we should focus on what you can control, namely contacting } the significant other often enough that you are not forgotten yet } not so often that you seem insecure, and for long enough that you can } really seem to be sharing each other's lives and yet not so long that } you are unable to pay your rent. As you can see the choice of your } long distance carrier and Internet provider will prove vital to the } continuing of this relationship. } Which is why I suggest you subscribe to O.T.I.S. right now! } } Yes. The Oracular Telephone and Internet Service, the fastest and } easiest way to contact everyone. As all space and time is one to } me, there are no long distance rates! There is no roaming charge! } The Universe is your calling area! (Multiverse calling available in } some areas.) And since I know everyone, our directory information } is unsurpassed. And all this for the low, low price of 5 times your } weight in gold per month. But for all you non-deities, we have a } special offer. Turn over your entire life to the Oracle now } and receive the full O.T.I.S. package absolutely free! Our operators } are standing by! } } Quite frankly, I think this is your best bet. We'll keep } you busy enough that you don't call too often, you can use the } directory files to keep tabs on any rivals, and if you get her to } join O.T.I.S. you'll be together forever and get a nifty bonus! } } You owe the Oracle your O.T.I.S. application form. --- 1101-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: surfbaud@waverider.co.uk (Dave Hemming) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Orrie, come over to the dark side of the queue... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } About 15 minutes ago, at a terminal not too far from your own... } } [Cue the moving text effect thingy...] } Oracle Wars: Episode XXIV: The Familiar Menace } } It is a dark time in the galaxy. The release of Star Wars: Episode One: } The Phantom Menace has resulted in the Internet Oracle being inundated } with insipid Star Wars-related supplications. The Oracle himself begins } gathering the priesthood together on the desert planet of Tattoedbutt } in hopes of resolving the situation... } [End moving text effect thingy...] } } [Scene: The Oracular Temple on Tattoedbutt. Two priests with } exceptionally cool hair and accents are standing around in their robes, } with zot staffs prominently visible.] } } Priest #1: Well, it looks as if we are in for a quick exposition via } subtitles, insertion mid action, a couple or six action scenes, then } the explosion of a large spacecraft, followed by a denoument that } resembles a high school awards ceremony. } } Priest #2: Sounds about like the plan I read. How many times can you } recycle the same plot? } } Priest #1: As long as people keep buying tickets and popcorn, I } suppose. } } [Suddenly, someone's theme music begins to play] } } Priest #2: I sense a deep disturbance in the queue. As if some unseen } force were making supplicants ask about a strange movie... } } Priest #1: Don't use the word force...you'll get us sued for sure! } } Priest #2: Right-o, I forgot about that. } } [An explosion rocks the room. Through a gaping hole that only recently } appeared in the wall walks Darth Drainer, an especially annoying } supplicant and Dark Lord of the Pith] } } Drainer: Come over to the dark side of the queue... you could never } imagine the power I have! [oooh ahh oooh ahh breathing sounds] } } [Darth Drainer pulls back his cape to reveal an especially menacing } double zot-wand. The priests respond by drawing their own weapons.] } } Priest #2: I guess it's time for the first lightsaber duel, eh Drainer? } } Drainer: Zot Wand! Zot Wand! Whatever you do, don't call the damn thing } a lightsaber! What are you trying to do, get us sued? } } Priest #1: I was just talking to him about that. [to Priest #2:] You } have much to learn, my young apprentice... } } Priest #2: I'm sorry, Master. } } [The characters begin to battle. ZOT!s fly around the room, breaking } lots of furniture and setting many small fires, but it is clear the } battle is a stalemate. The combantants deactivate their lightsabers } ^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^Hzot wands and face each other.] } } Priest #1: You are quite powerful, Drainer... but you can't win. You'll } never be digested with a Star Wars parody. It just doesn't happen. } They're boring and full of inside jokes that only the movie geeks get. } } Drainer: What do you know of being digested? I have the power of the } dark side!!! We will meet again! } } [Darth Drainer turns and leaves] } } Priest #2: Why didn't you kill him, Master? } } Priest #1: You don't just kill a Lord of the Pith, young one. } Especially not just five minutes in. Don't worry, we'll see him again. } Usually, it's in about an hour. } } Priest #2: I'll be ready, master. } } [A shiny, slightly foppish droid ambles in.] } } CPR-H20: Oohhh! That was exciting, Master. Too exciting for a foppish } droid, I should say. I will now panic and provide comic relief! } Oooh!!!Oohh!! } } [Priest #2 cuts CPR-H20 in half with his zot wand. The pieces crash to } the floor, and the droid's voice trails off into nothingness.] } } Priest #1: I say, you are almost ready for the trials. That was } smashing! } } Priest #2: Thank you master. But isn't this incarnation getting rather } long winded? } } Priest #1: Just like the movies... } } [Priest #1 and #2 walk off the set. We follow them as they walk across } the back lot and find Darth Drainer munching on doughnuts by the snack } table.] } } Priest #1: We've come to end it, Drainer. Either you stop with the Star } Wars questions, or I zot you here and now. } } Darth Drainer: Bob, come on, man. Get out of character. Have a } doughnut, you freak. } } Priest #1: It ends here. } } [Bob raises his Zot wand, but nothing happens. Priest #2 follows suit, } and his weapon fails him as well.] } } Priest #1: What the fu... } } Drainer: The special effects boys aren't going to waste their time on } shots we can't use, Bob. Joe, put that stupid broomstick down. } } Priest #2: He's winning, sir! What happened? } } Priest #1: Reality intruded. Next time we'll be ready, but I'm still } within my 5-day waiting period for a handgun permit. Next time, } Drainer! } } Drainer: Whatever, guys...See you tommorow for the big scene where I } reveal that I was the first person to ask the w**dch*ck question. } } [Fade to Black] } } You owe the Oracle five prequels / sequels. --- 1101-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wise Oracle, who is never in such a foul mood that he can't even > think of an original grovel, should he ever need to grovel to anyone, > which he doesn't, of course... > > Why is that whenever I put any *effort* into an answer, it ends up in > the mailbox of one of those [expletive deleted] priests who wouldn't > know a funny answer if it [figurative speech involving certain > portions of the priestly anatomy deleted]? You know the kind, the > ones with the attention span of a cocaine-addicted fly, the ones who > [more suggestive and highly inappropriate references deleted], and > also [suggestions capable of making above-mentioned fly spew chunks > all over [references to bodily excrement deleted] deleted], and who > can't even [remainder of paragraph deleted to prevent modern > civilization from collapsing overnight]. > > Sorry for all the profanity, it's just that when you spend hours > writing a well thought out, clever answer that would probably even > "amuse" Queen Victoria, only to have it passed over in favor of > answers like 1098-04, you really want to [highly violent suggestions > involving the priesthood and a wide variety of devices outlawed by the > Geneva Convention deleted, and Supplicant's name and address reported > to local law enforcement, just in case...] And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Listen, you malodorous piece of [reference to bodily excrement } deleted]... } } By some [The diety in the Judeo-Christian Tradition, and a structure } that holds water] universal irony, I happen to have been the [gerund } beginning with f, and ending with g deleted] incarnation for 1097-3, } and it was my very first digest appearance ever! I was pretty [another } word for darn] happy with myself until some son of a [another word } for a female dog] decided to [colorful reference to urination] on } my parade. } } I even called my [blessed] mother for Christ's sake! She doesn't even } [f-g gerund again] know what the Internet Oracle is! She's just all, } "That's nice dear." and [yet another reference to excrement]. } } I can't believe this [several words and phrase considered offensive } in at least two out of three NAFTA member countries deleted]. } } Wait a minute. 1098-4. Oops. Guess I was just looking for 1097-3. } Can't believe I just read that right in there. } } You're right. That pretty much [yes, the [f-g gerund] f-g gerund } again] sucked. } } The [harsher form of goshdarned] Oracle owes *you* a [f-g gerund] } apology. --- 1101-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why are hot dogs called dogs? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because of the size and shape, of course, except that that } "Amorous Canine Organ" was a marketing failure, so they } decided to try a euphemism. } } You owe the Oracle a ... ah, forget it. This dog's on me. --- 1101-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle most wise, > > Many people have lived by the maxim, "Never trust anyone over 30." > What do these people do when they turn 30? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } They still claim that they live by that maxim, but for some reason you } can't quite believe them. --- 1101-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most wise, can you tell me about guacamole? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Guacamole is a green paste that has a similiar texture like that of } humus that has a similiar texture like that of falafel that has a } similiar texture like that of wet dirt that has a similiar texture like } that of mud that has a similiar texture like that of guacamole and is } from the Guaca plant. } * Oracle's father interjects* } It's from the avacado, Junior, and we all know it's texture is } more like a w**dc***k in a blender. Ah, memories. } } Thanks, Dad. There you have it. } You owe the Oracle a blender and an avacado. --- 1101-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > SELECT * FROM oracle WHERE grovel LIKE "Oracle%" AND score > 4.3; And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 0 row(s) selected. } } You owe the Oracle a query with more realistic parameters .... --- 1101-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise and perceptive, please shed light on this, most > vexing of questions: > > How many Microsoft(tm) developers does it take to change a lightbulb? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Posted 10/06/99 12:37pm by The Internet Oracle } } MICROSOFT DEMANDED SAY IN IBM HARDWARE PLATFORM } } The latest revelation from the antitrust case against Microsoft centres } around their attempts to specify IBM's hardware platform. Documents } released by the DOJ team suggest that IBM negotiators were warned to } expect a 15% price increase in their Windows 95 license if they did not } switch over from their current lightbulbs to a new light-emitting } product supplied by Microsoft. } } Microsoft's key witness, office manager Ethel Schmalensee denied all } knowledge of the affair. "We would supply you with the appropriate } lighting data," she stated, "but Microsoft supply light to their } employees by burning bits of paper." When asked if these were the same } bits of paper that Microsoft's accounts system is allegedly stored on, } she merely turned bright red and replied "No comment." } } Ironically, this testimony has already been contradicted by Bill Gates } in his new book "Weenie, Windy, WinCE: Microsoft and the art of } backpedalling", where he states that Microsoft's lighting is provided } by genetically modified bioluminescent fungi which are implanted in } unsuspecting employees. } } When asked why IBM had signed the agreement, IBM's witness, Neil } Morrison, said that the meeting had been held in a room lit by } Microsoft's Lighbulb 95. "And the product impressed you so much you } signed without a second thought?" asked a DOJ lawyer. "No," came the } reply. "It was pitch dark in there, and I couldn't see what I was } signing. The Microsoft guy told me he wanted my autograph for his kid." } } The trial goes on... } } You owe the Oracle a copy of the Microsoft edition of the board-game } Monopoly. --- 1101-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dr. Noe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, wise in the way of all things, and in particular, wiser > than this lowly supplicant in the ways of household pets, > What in the world is my cat doing? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Cats live a life with which Deitys such as myself can easily relate to: } } 9am: Wake up. Yawn. Stretch. Wash face. } } 10am: Finish washing face. Look in altar, see if Staff have left an } offering before departing for work. } } 11am: Have a nap. } } 12am: Daily inspection of the shrine. Check that everything is in } order, if Staff are sighted, don't make eye contact. Perhaps, if } feeling generous, give their leg a rub to make them know you appreciate } all their hard work. } } 1pm: Lunch. } } 2pm: Another Nap. } } 3pm: Investigate things. Investigate this, investigate that, general } investigation. } } 4pm: Nap time. } } 5pm: Starting to get peckish. See if any native wildlife is around. If } so, kill it and make a big mess. } } 6pm: Dinner. Staff will supply food at the altar, once again. } } 7pm: Alert staff to remains of Native Wildlife, now making your perfect } shrine all untidy. Request they clean it up. } } 8pm: Nap. } } 9pm: Plot world domination for a while. } } 10pm: Realise you already _have_ everything you need, so no need for } world domination. } } 11pm: Try and find something to have sex with. } } 12pm: Get some sleep before another trying day tommorrow. } } You owe the oracle a copy of Red Dwarf Series 1, signed by Danny } John-Jules, and a ball of string. --- 1101-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Alyce Wilson The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > [Brief grovel involving badly misused archaic forms of the second > person singular] > > [Unoriginal question involving allusions to Unix, Infocom, rhod > in-jokes, the evils of Microsoft, woodchucks, and, of course, > self-referentiality] > > [Signature line inserted automatically by web-based e-mail service] And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } [Out Of Office Automated Reply] } } The Oracle cannot be bothered to answer you at the moment. } } If your question relates to } } 1) Unix Assume witty put down of MicroSoft. } 2) Infocom Assume parody in the style of a text based adventure game. } 3) r.h.o.d Assume disparaging remarks on the IQ of r.h.o.d-ites. } 4) MicroSoft Assume clever comparisons between Bill Gates and Satan. } 5) Woodchucks You deserve a Zotting, you are fortunate to have escaped. } 6) Self Assume philosophy parody and name dropping e.g. Nietzsche. } } If your e-mail includes a .sig also assume that this is belittled. } } Otherwise, you may re-submit your question in a few days. } } Thankyou for your interest in The Internet Oracle. } } [End]