From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Mon Oct 18 08:00:01 1999 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.9.3/8.9.3/IUCS_2.28) id HAA25338; Mon, 18 Oct 1999 07:19:38 -0500 (EST) Date: Mon, 18 Oct 1999 07:19:38 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199910181219.HAA25338@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1121 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1121 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1121 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Mon, 18 Oct 1999 07:19:38 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1121 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1116 77 votes 2jwg8 8rmf5 akkk7 2avs6 4jwi4 1eduj 4pnk5 3ksm4 4gsm7 5akph 1116 3.1 mean 3.1 2.8 2.9 3.3 3.0 3.7 3.0 3.1 3.2 3.5 --- 1121-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and wondrous Oracle, whose logic would drive Plato to drink > (hemlock), whose ethics would give Spinoza a whirling headache, whose > transcending of good and evil would kill Nietzsche (unless it made him > stronger), whose a priori knowledge would drive Kant to write totally > incomprehensible tomes, please hear my question: > > Where can I find the Philosopher's Scone? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Grasshopper, you ask for that which humans have sought for ages. } } I will just say that there are many paths. You need to choose for } yourself. } } Follow me... } } Here it is, Ye Do or Donut Shoppe. Pay no heed to all the cops. } Let's see what the shop has to offer. Hmm, I suggest just limiting } yourself to this representative sampling to start with... } } Pythagorean Tripartite Filleds Full of equal parts of gain, } honor & wisdom. Tastes weird. } The pentagram on the top is } kind of spooky too. } } Zeno Holes Motionless non-objects covered } with an infinite number of } sprinkles. Impossible to eat. } } Stoic Crunchies Hard and dry and good for } you damn it! } } Glazed Ockham Bars DO NOT EAT! They have razors } in them. } } Folly de' Erasmus Sort of a serious twinkie if } you can imagine such a thing. } } Machiavelli Fritters These are to kill for, but } if you don't have connections } you'll never ever see any. } } Hegelian Twists You eat one and then you'll } want just the opposite, but } will end up with something } in-between. } } Bakhtin Circles Too revolutionary. } } Freudian Ladies' Pinkies Way too weird. Much debate } over their inclusion in this } shop. } } Camus' Old Fashioneds I recommend these. Subtle, } yet they go with anything. } Can't go wrong here. } } William S. Burroughs' Not for everyone. Highly } Nutty Sticks addictive. } } You owe the Oracle The Eclair of Enlightenment. --- 1121-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > The Oracle writes the poetry of Wisdom to which smart mortals look > forward to with smiles. Being able to read the words of the Oracle is > the wise providence of wisely used USENET access. All bow low before > the Great Oracle! > > Where do ideas go after they die? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dead ideas are reincarnated as brand new ideas by clueless marketing } execs. --- 1121-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Great Oracle, who could write the complete works of Coleridge on the > head of a pin, and yet still have room left for all the rude words that > could be used to describe this lowly supplicant... > > If lawyers wrote poetry, what would it look like? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } In Xanadu did Kubla Khan (party of the first part) a stately } pleasure-dome decree, conveniently but criminally overlooking the need } for an environmental impact statement, where Alph the sacred river ran, } and inasmuch as the opium waste from said pleasure dome spills into the } river, said Khan is liable for damages downstream, including but not } limited to the mental destruction to the class of the Peasants of the } Alph (party of the second part), whom we represent. } } You owe the Oracle something that scans. Anything! --- 1121-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What does it mean if your armpit turns bright red? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It probably means that you have touched-up your } Ferrari's paintwork with deodorant by mistake. } } You owe the Oracle a CFC-free environment. --- 1121-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > This is a multi-part message in MIME format. > > ------=_NextPart_000_0021_01BF14BF.C785B180 > Content-Type: text/plain; > charset="iso-8859-1" > Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable > > When will I be able to get a cable modem in my area? > > ------=_NextPart_000_0021_01BF14BF.C785B180 > Content-Type: text/html; > charset="iso-8859-1" > Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable > > > > http-equiv=3DContent-Type> > > > > >
When will I be able to get a cable = > modem in my=20 > area?
> > ------=_NextPart_000_0021_01BF14BF.C785B180-- And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } By dawn the storm had broken. Several of the horses had broken free in } the early hours, and some time was lost rounding them up. By the time } the sun was clear of the distant mountains, we were breaking camp and } preparing to continue the journey. } } As we began the ride, Zadoc rode up beside me. } } "Oh Mighty Oracle, whose wisdom is as a galaxy of stars to the - " } } "Yes, Zadoc, what is it?" } } "Forgive me any implications of doubt in your thousand-fold wisdom, } mighty one, but have we no other choice but to cross the Plains of the } Endless September?" } } He gestured nervously at the barren landscape ahead of us. I turned my } Oracular gaze on him, darkening eyebrows and all. Zadoc managed to } cower without falling off his mule. } } "Zadoc, you dimwit, pay attention at the meetings! It's either cross } the Plains of the Endless September or go around through the Foothills } of the Mist, adding three months to the trip. Do you want to be the one } to deal with an extra three month's worth of whining supplicants in the } queue?" } } "No, your infinitely wise -" } } "Good. Then stay up here and keep your eyes open." } } "For the Three Dangers of the Plain, oh mighty of prowess?" } } "No, Zadoc, for a gas station where I can wash my horse's windshield. } OF COURSE for the Three Dangers of the Plain, you gangrenous annelid!" } } That kept Zadoc sufficiently cowed that he left me alone for the rest } of the morning. We rode through the Stones of Aol about eleven o'clock, } careful not to say a word for fear of the infamous echoes - the shapes } of the rock in that area are such that any voice is distorted and } reflected back in an unearthly chorus that sounds like "me too". } } As we rode on, I pondered our destination, on the far side of the } Plains. A trivial matter, perhaps, but the consequences would be dire } should we fail in our quest. } } Suddenly... } } "AAAGH!! The Mimes! The Mimes of Format!!" } } They were everywhere! I cursed as I realized they must have been } following silently for hours. A pack had pulled Kendai off his horse } and were busy sealing him in an invisible glass box. Others were } prancing around mimicking the priests, climbing down stairs, pulling } invisible ropes.. } } "Your Ominpotency! We're surrounded!" } } "The pastrami, Zadoc! Everyone, use the pastrami!" } } Forseeing this First Danger of the Plain, we'd each packed a pastrami } loaf in our bags. They're the most effective weapon against these } white-faced devils. I leapt from my horse and swatted one aside with my } pastrami, then waded into the fray. } } The carnage was terrible. The priests fought well, Darkmage in } particular seemed unstoppable, but the silent clowns threatened to } overwhelm us with sheer numbers. By mid-afternoon, the tide had turned, } and the survivors were starting to flee. Soon there was but one left. } } *WHACK!* *WHACK!* } } "Go! Get out of here!" } } *WHACK!* } } "Go on! Get!" } } *WHACKWHACKWHACK!* } } "What do you want with us?!!" *WHACK!* } } Dazed, he staggered back. } } "Well?? What is it?!!" } } "When will I be able to get a cable modem in my area?" } } I was caught off guard. I had never heard a mime speak before. } } "Check with your cable company. Most... AAAAGH!" } } While I was distracted, he leapt forward and pulled an invisible flower } from my ear and started mooning over it. I hit him across the back of } the head with the pastrami, then again, and again, until he collapsed } in heap at my feet. } } Zadoc raced up beside me and gave the still twitching figure a } completely unnecessary whack with his own, barely battered luncheon } meat. } } "And stay down, infidel! Good work, Oh All-Powerful Oracle!" } } I sighed as I slipped my own pastrami into my belt. One Danger of the } Plain was beaten, but two more awaited. } } "Zadoc?" } } "Yes, Mighty One! I am yours to command!" } } "Tell Lisa next time she needs 'feminine protection' when the car's in } the shop, she can go to the drugstore herself." } } "*gulp*..Y-yes, Omniscient One." } } We rode on. --- 1121-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great Oracle. > > You know tonnes more stuff than I do, stand miles higher than me, and > quite frankly, look like you've lost a few pounds. > > Wassup with this metric malarky And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Interesting that you already have a Metric Malarkry. } } Personally, I still use the old Imperial Malarky given to me by } Queen Victoria. It's a sturdy old thing but I must admit that having } one that works in decimal would be slightly easier than the base 27 } that this uses (except on every 5th New Moon, in which case you } advance the attenuator by three notches). } } It sounds as though yours, being new, may just need a little } lubrication, perhaps the pistons need to be honed in also. } } On no account use the Malarky internally. } } Glad to be of service. } } You owe the Oracle an Oojamaflip. --- 1121-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What will I be doing 10 years from now? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You will, in fact, be god emperor of the greater part of Earth. You } see, when you run into Bill Gates at that trade show 3 years from now } and show him that little app you've written, he'll be so impressed } that he'll make you a senior VP at Micro$oft forthwith. Your inspired } handling of the by then legion antitrust suits facing the company - } namely, your hostile takeover bid for the USA - makes you the natural } successor for old Bill when he finally retires 7 years hence. } } With your sure hand on the tiller, M$ goes from strength to strength, } incorporating the rest of the Western Hemisphere, large chunks of } Asia and Mars, as well as, needless to say, all of cyberspace. Your } employees have already been worshipping you as a god for some years } by this time. In January 2009 your divine status is formalized in all } territories under your control. } } And if you think that sounds impressive, you should have asked me } what you'll be doing 20 years from now. } } You owe the Oracle $200,000 - think of it as an investment in your } future. (Note: On the off chance that, 10 years from now, any of } these predictions turn out to be less than 100% accurate, I will of } course refund the money at once) --- 1121-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > X-your X-Face X-Looks X-Familiar. X-Haven't X-I X-met > X-you X-somewhere X-before? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Sorry, I won't get involved with a guy who constantly talks about } his ex. } } You still owe the Oracle that drink you offered, though. --- 1121-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: krc@erythrea.wellesley.edu The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most sensible and reasonable, whose worshipers don't have to > sacrifice animals just because they (the worshipers, that is) have > slept in the same room as a menstruating woman, do any of these > Christians obey all of the laws and instructions in the Bible? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I'll get to your answer in a bit, but you need to get a little } background first. } } Ever since the Pope has started getting up in years, he has had } to have a personal assistant to help him with his, shall we say, } personal hygenic duties, because one of the abilities that starts } to go with age is how flexible one is in reaching areas that } weren't such a problem earlier in life. } } Of course, another thing that comes on with age is the gradual } loss of "urgency" that warns you when it is time to hurry and } find a nearby facility. There are products that make it less } objectionable, but they are not an ideal solution, because one } can still get a sense that an unfortunate event has ocurred. } Naturally enough, this embarassing situation is to be avoided at } all costs, so on long trips by car, the assistant travels along } and, should the need arise far from any available utilities, } bears the weight of hurrying the pontiff into some nearby } secluded bushes. } } The poor soul bearing this onus doesn't get much in the way of } payment, but he does so uncomplainingly, because he feels that } doing this task for such a holy man makes him feel that all his } other sins on Earth have been cleansed away. The Pope, for his } part, is happy to get such a staunch assistant, and understandably, } there were not very many who applied for the position, thus, not } too many questions were asked into the personal beliefs of the } person who was eventually chosen as the one to bear the duties. } } Indeed, there are many who bear the brunt of the same duties in } hospitals and nursing homes today, and perform them for people } who have far smaller personages. So, to answer the question } about whether there are people who follow the concepts of } selflessness and charity taught in scripture, just ask yourself } these two questions: Is the bearer Catholic? } Does a Pope shit in the woods? } } I'm contemplating whether you owe the Oracle anything or not. } Depends, I guess. --- 1121-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh far seeing and all knowing Oracle, who always leads the polls by an > enormous margin... > > What will some of the highlights of "Dubya's" imminent presidency? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well supplicant, to merely state "Law enforcing the education of the } usage of 'Be' in a sentance" as in "What will -be- some of the..." or } "...imminent presidency be?" Would be to easy of an answer, and after } all, a grammar flame. } } Feb 1st: Law put into effect stating "All funds collected from the } taxation of tobacco products will be given to people with a third } nipple" is passed unanimously by the house. } } Feb 2nd: Groundhog day. Punxatawney Phil, the sole reason that Bill } Murray ever entered Pennsylvania, refused to leave his burrow this } morning, siting "soddit.. figure it out your own damn selves" } } Feb 9th: Plastic surgeons report a boom in "nipple implant" operations } over the past week. } } Mar 17th: St. Patrick's Day. For the umpteenth year in a row } } Mar 24th: Windows 2000:Release Candidate 6 hits the shelves. Seen as } the first Three CD-Rom installation of a single Microsoft Product, it } is heralded as the Next Good Thing by hardware and ram manufacturers. } } April 1st: As the biggest april fools joke in the history of the } world, no jokes at all were pulled. The sum population of the planet } expected itself to be joked on, stayed home for the full 24 hours and } stayed in bed, sparking in mid december one of the biggest population } booms in history. } } April 14th: Dubya goes into a hypnosis induced trance to divine the } solution to Tax Day. } } April 15th: Tax Day } } April 16th: Dubya comes out of his trance with The Perfect And Right } solution to Income Tax. Too bad it's 24 hours too late. } } May 7th: Aliens from the Zuyuk nebula land on earth. Their intent is } neither conquest, or alliance, but a vacation on the top of Roger } Ebert's hair. } } June: Month canceled due to lack of interest. } } July 4th: Independance day is celebrated. Parental fears of } fireworks force nation-wide celebrations to be held around computer } screens showing "fireworks" the screensaver.. } } August: Record heat wave wanders across the country, and nobody } notices. } } September: September posponed until next year when the National Atomic } Clock is mischeviously set ahead thirty days by Billy Watson, 6 of } Oxsnot Wisconsin. } } October 30th: Halloween is Cancled for Politically Correctness in } Holidays Reasons. } } November 1st: Man who invented Political Correctness In Holidays is } strung up by a consortium of Candy Manufacturers and Dentists. } } November 23rd: marketing and advertising people finally crack and admit } "We were wrong.. the millenium doesn't start until Jan 1, 2001.. A new } flood of "True Millenial" products glut an already apathetic millenial } purchasing market. } } Dec 22nd: The last produced "MUST HAVE" toy of the year "Leaky Ear-wax } Elmo with Epillepsy" sells on Ebay for 1.9 million dollars. When the } winning bidder was approached for comment on why she bought it, she } merely said "Well -duh-". } } Dec 27th: Humanitity classified and segregated into two groups. "Free } Thinkers" and "Sheep" } } Dec 28th: All seven "Free Thinkers" bludgeoned to death by mobs mere } minutes after their identities announced upon grounds of "Stirring up } trouble" and "Non-Conformist!" } } Dec 31st: Another year painfully limps out the door at midnight. } People who held the grim satisfaction that they were celebrating the } 'true' millenium start searching for something new to be smug about. } } You owe the Oracle a calendar for the future first year humanity starts } making sense.