From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Sun Dec 19 20:08:09 1999 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.9.3/8.9.3/IUCS_2.28) id TAA17413; Sun, 19 Dec 1999 19:39:36 -0500 (EST) Date: Sun, 19 Dec 1999 19:39:36 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199912200039.TAA17413@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1134 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1134 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1134 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Sun, 19 Dec 1999 19:39:36 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1134 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1129 72 votes 9jkf9 eqid1 aot81 24jxe 2fsi9 1ajx9 4ined aaqi8 6emm8 5kli8 1129 3.1 mean 2.9 2.5 2.5 3.7 3.2 3.5 3.2 3.1 3.2 3.1 --- 1134-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ross Clement The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > The supplicant is not asking you a question. > > The supplicant is playing nethack. The supplicant is reading > a book. The supplicant is attending a party. The supplicant is > eating pineapple and ham pizza. The supplicant is seducing Lisa. > The supplicant is just kidding about the seducing Lisa part. > The supplicant is writing a 64-bit OS. The supplciant is playing > table soccer. The supplicant is drinking coffee. The supplicant > is writing poetry. The supplicant is at work. The supplicant > is torturing Zadoc. The supplicant is pondering his chances of > asking the w**dch*ck question and living. The supplicant has > determined that the chances of surviving a ZOT! are exactly zero. > The supplicant has also determined that the chances of surviving > his finals are also exactly zero. The supplicant is on a date > with a model. The supplicant is visiting London for the afternoon. > The supplicant lives in Saint Louis, USA. The supplicant is writing > a research paper on marmots. The supplicant is drinking beer with > Kendai. The supplicant is on break. The supplicant is asleep. > The supplicant has borrowed the ZOT! staff, and has just ZOTted the > queue drainer. Several other incarnations are about to be ZOTted too. > These incarnations are in hiding. The supplicant is ZOTting MIMES. > The supplicant is watching a film. The supplicant will not be > grovelling until further notice. The supplicant will be back soon, > so please leave a message after the tone. > > But the supplicant is not asking you a question. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The oracle is not answering a question. } } The oracle plays nethack better than the supplicant. } The oracle is reading two books simultaneously. } The oracle is the life of a party. } The oracle is eating a pineapple and ham pizza with double cheese. } The oracle is seducing Jenny because he knows that Lisa was a man until } last October. } The oracle is not kidding about the Jenny part. } The oracle already wrote a 128-bit OS, but he deleted the source code } from his hard drive to make space for copies of his fan mail. } The oracle invented table soccer. } The oracle is drinking coffee brewed from Blue Mountain beans picked at } his plantation in Jamaica. } The oracle secretly writes poetry under the name "Robert Frost." } The oracle is at play (see aforementioned "Jenny" section). } The oracle has personally designed several revolutionary torture } chambers, and is a contractor for dictatorships in Myanmar and North } Korea. } The oracle has asked the w**dch*ck question and survived. } The oracle has determined that the chances of surviving a ZOT! is not } exactly zero; the supplicant has ignored the margin of error of +- .3% } points. } The oracle knows that the chances of his finals surviving him is } exactly zero. } The oracle is on a date with a *female* model. } The oracle is being visited by London for the afternoon. } The oracle owns half the land in downtown St. Louis, USA. } The oracle won a Nobel Prize for his research on marmots. } The oracle is drinking draft beer with Kendai. } The oracle is always on break, except when supplicants present him with } questions, or have the audacity to tell them about how pitiful their } lives are in comparision to that of the oracle. } The oracle can go for years without sleep. } The oracle is worshipped by the ZOT! staff, and the queue drainer } automatically ZOTs for him. He found and ZOTted the other incarnations } before the supplicant got a chance. } The oracle ZOTs MIMES blindfolded, with both hands tied behind his } back. The oracle has declined Academy Awards three times, out of } principle. The oracle is constantly grovelled at, until he gives } everyone notice to stop. } *BEEP* Hi, this is the Oracle. I found your lost teddy bear. Give me } a call. } } But the oracle is not answering a question. } } You owe the oracle a question mark. --- 1134-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Rich McGee The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most standfast, > when would you cry uncle? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } If I saw him stuck in the wrong aunt hole. } } You owe the Oracle the sound of an anteater's tongue in action. --- 1134-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "bjbackitis" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, who would never dare harm a fly unless it was really, truly, > genuinely, obnoxiously within several miles of him, please answer this > minor query.... > > Why is the pain generated by hearing a bad pun so strangely > pleasurable? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } > > ZOT!!! < < } } Oh, no, not you, supplicant. Please - come out - no, there was a } fly buzzing about your head. } } Little known to most people, the Oracle is an avowed Paranomasiast. } No, that is not some perversion, you twisted little maggot. Well, } not some sexual perversion anyway. That is a fancy term for one who } enjoys, and makes, puns. I have no doubt improved your knowledge as } it stands now by providing you with an increase to your vocabulary, } but *sigh* I suppose that does not answer your question... } } The New Encylopedia Brittanica says that a pun is "Two disparate } strings of thought tied together by an acoustic knot." The oracle } likes that definition, as it strikes a pleasant cord, er, chord. } Actually, I should move along from that - as I have a virtual punorama } of plays on words, it could make your answer tedious. } } Actually, the Oracle has never considered this subject,but I must } confess that omniscience does not require that the answer to each } question be at the forefront of one's mind. There are several theories } regarding this phenomena. } } The first is based on the fact that though the pun is often referred } to as the lowest form of humor, it is one to which most people almost } universally appreciate. This theory states that it is not the pain } of hearing the pun itself that hurts, but the instant of thinking } "Why didn't I come up with that first?" Medically speaking, this } phenomena is known by the name of "Punus Envy." However, as even } people who eschew puns often find themselves suffering this, this } theory is not all encompassing enough to be a complete answer. } } The second theory states that most humor is had at the expense of } someone else's embarassment or suffering, hence, a pun is humor based } on one's own embarassment or suffering. To test and demonstrate this } theory, I'll need some help..... hmmmm } } O: Hoi, ZADOC!!!! } } Z: (Crawling through doorway prostrate, banging head on floor) } Yes, your illustriousness! Oh, provider of Wisdom to the universe! } Sagacious keeper of the secrets of ages! He who knows the unknown } passages in the Necronomicon! You whose sweaty socks I am unfit to } gag upon! } } O: Silence, Zadoc, you snivelling Worm! It took you a full half } second to crawl in here! How dare you keep me waiting? } } Z: (wailing) Mercy, you pusullaminous Pontificance! (rends robe) } I stand before you, Mighty One, an abject ball of slime! I am as } W**dch*ck snot beneath your gaze! } } O: (aside) He's in rare form today... } } Z: (continuing) Rend me with your talons of wit, that I may better } serve you! Blast me, Lord of The Library of Olympus, that I might } glow and be a small sliver of light by which you may read! Squash me } like the w...... } } O: Enough, Zadoc! } } Z: Master? } } O: Just proving a point. (flips hand negligently) You may go now... } } Z: (Wailing louder, crawling backwards, and beating head harder } against floor) Oh, I have been found even more unworthy! To be } denied the Penance of the Holy *ZOT!* Woe! Woe is m.... (mercifully, } this is cut off by the shutting of the door) } } You see, supplicant, even the anticipation of pain inflicted, in this } case Zadoc's pain, proves humorous. It is however, the emotional } pain which the pun is concerned with, so this theory, I am afraid, } finds itself incomplete, though moving towards the right track. } } Okay, so I just wanted to torment Zadoc..... } } All in all, the answer lies in simple chemistry. A true pun, when } correctly used, momentarily stuns the hearers, producing a brief } instant of pain. The body, in reaction, pours out seratonin and other } such chemicals almost instantly to dull the pain, leaving a warm and } fuzzy feeling, and occasionally producing euphoria. (Hence the stifled } giggles that often follow the groans of pain when a pun is uttered). } } You owe the Oracle some Monet, because he's Baroque. --- 1134-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: surfbaud@waverider.co.uk (Dave Hemming) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Should I trust him this time? > > Hillary And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh, absolutely. Tenzing Norgay is the best sherpa you've ever worked } with, and, while you've had your troubles in the past, I'm quite } confident that you two will reach the summit this time. } } By the way, old chap... About 600 metres from the summit you'll } probably come across what's left of that Mallory bloke. I recommend } taking his camera, if you plan on getting an credit whatsoever for } this little expedition. And don't forget the letter he's got in his } pocket. } } You know what you owe the Oracle? You owe the Oracle ONE HUMBLE } READER who'll know what I'm talking about and think it's funny. JUST } ONE!! Damn, I laughed myself silly writing this, and nobody is going } to get the joke. Rats. } } Oh, and renew my subscription to National Geographic. } } <> --- 1134-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: surfbaud@waverider.co.uk (Dave Hemming) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise,what is behind the human race? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Beer companies, Cigarette companies, Athletic Shoe companies, Tire } companies, Snack Food companines, Automobile companies, Search } engines, HMOs, and Dairy Farmers, judging by the endorsements. } } The thing to remember is that the Human Race is just like NASCAR, only } without the weight limitations, apparantly. } } You owe the Oracle a swoosh. --- 1134-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: surfbaud@waverider.co.uk (Dave Hemming) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great oracle, who is beyond time and computer bugs, please tell me: > > What will really happen on New Year 2000? Will everything crash and > water and electricity not work? Or will everything be all right? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hush young supplicant; don't say a word } Orrie's gonna cite a poetic blurb } And if that blurb don't rest your fear } The Y2K will soon be here. } } Fire balls falling from the sky } Plagues of locusts, too, will fly } Boiling seas and blood to drink } Every fright and the kitchen sink } } When the power systems fail } Close your eyes and face your hell } No more Internet to surf } No more artificial turf } } Molten lava from the seas } Deep enough to reach your knees } Screaming children from next door } Spilling milk upon your floor } } If you agonize o'er the raze } Remember you've got another seventy days } Sleep now supplicant; rest your eyes } You owe the Oracle a pack of lies --- 1134-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why does she act that way? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's hard to say, really. Maybe she was hit by a stray bolt of } lightning as a child; maybe she just really, really wants attention. } But any way you slice it, Scary Spice has got to go. } } You owe the Oracle a list of what you want, what you really really } want. --- 1134-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > The Internet Oracle has no questions to ask. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "No questions? Whaddaya mean, 'no questions?' Zadoc! Hoi, Zadoc!" } } Zadoc failed to shuffle in backwards on his knees. } } "Hmm, I wonder where he could have gotten off to. Hey Lisa, have you } seen Zadoc? Lisa?" } } There was no response. I wandered out of the Oracular chamber and in to } the bedroom. Lisa wasn't there. In fact, not only was Lisa not there, } but none of her stuff was there. Her walk-in closet was even missing, } which was a neat trick, since it was built into the wall. I returned to } the Oracular chamber. } } "Hmm... This is odd. I'll bet the woodchucks are behind it. I'll give } them such a ZOT..." That's when I noticed the Staff of Zot was missing. } Something weird was happening. } } Fighting down the sinking feeling I was beginning to have, I went out } into the supplicant's area. No one was there. Taking the steps three at } a time, I ran down into the priests' quarters. Not a soul. } } "Okay, think. You're omniscient, after all, aren't you? So why don't } you know what's happening?" } } I started back towards the chamber, then had a thought and veered off } towards the research lab. Or rather, where the research lab used to be. } Instead of finding rows of cages filled with woodchucks, I found an } empty room. It wasn't empty as if someone had cleared out the contents. } It was empty as if there never had been anything in there. } } As I was running back to the chamber, I skidded to a halt at the door } to the priests' quarters, except now it wasn't there anymore. } Considering I had just come from there, it was a bit unsettling that it } was now missing. I needed to get to the bottom of this fast. } } I went back upstairs into the Oracular Chamber, which I immediately } realized was odd because there was supposed to be a long supplicants' } hall in between the stairs and the chamber. The world was closing in on } me, and I didn't have a clue as to why. } } I leaned over the terminal that was still there, thank gods, and } started typing furiously. The rest of the chamber was rather empty. The } Throne of Command was gone. The vast array of advanced computers and } other bizarre machinery, gone. The fancy tilework and mosaics were gone } too, as was the door to my bedroom. I caught a flicker of motion out of } the corner of my eye, and turned just in time to fail to see the door I } had just used vanish. It was just me, in an empty room with no exits, } and a computer terminal. } } I turned back to the terminal, and saw nothing but the text of the } message staring me in the face. I sat down and continued to stare in a } state of shock. Everything I had, everything I was, seemed to have just } vanished. Everything except this one terminal. I could not puzzle it } out. } } Suddenly, the new mail message popped up. I touched the keyboard } cautiously, but it seemed solid enough. I opened the new message and } read: } } Return-Path: } Date: Fri, 12 Nov 1999 02:16:25 -0500 (EST) } Subject: In-Joke Cache. } To: The Internet Oracle } } Just to let you know, I've cleared the In-Joke cache. The } priests have been complaining for an age, so I finally decided } to fix it. I was planning to just reduce it a bit, but I don't } think it's ever been properly maintained, so the easiest thing } to do was just wipe it out and start fresh. } } You can finally say good-bye to all those hoary old references } to woodchucks, Lisa, Zadoc, Kendai, Siamese Fighting Fishes, } Og, the Midnight Queue Drainer, all of it. You have a clean } slate. You don't have to worry about back history, or any of } that stuff that was tying you down. You can just get right to } the point of answering questions. No need to thank me. It's } something that's been long overdue. -sk } } Oh. That explained it pretty well then. Without all the back-story and } in-jokes, my world is pretty much reduced to sitting in front of a } terminal, answering questions. } } "Well, then! It's what I've always wanted, right? No distractions from } the job at hand! It's what all the priests and rhoddites have wanted } too! It's the answer to all our prayers!" } } I brought the original message back up: } } > The Internet Oracle has no questions to ask. } } "A bit of a puzzler, but it shouldn't be any problem with all those } annoying side characters out of the way. Let's see... Can't be cheap } and give a one-line response. Should be something funny and relevant... } Hmmm... } } "Zadoc! Ho... oh, yeah. No cop-outs. This time, it's all original. All } I have to do is give a funny response of decent length to a rather } open-ended supplication without resorting to any of the old stand-bys." } } You owe the Oracle some new in-jokes really fast! --- 1134-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: krc@erythrea.wellesley.edu The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > There's no way you're going to get me to ask some "Oracle" a question! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } What do you see in the picture below? } } &&& } &&%% @#$@ )-0---- } )))))))))))))))))@@@ } L__________________| } | } +++ | } } If you just said "What the hell was that?" then I win. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of "Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead" --- 1134-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dr. Noe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > ACTGC ATGAT CTACC ATGGC AATAG CCGCT ACTCA TGTAC GTAGC TGCTA GCATC GCGCT > ATGCT CATGC ATCGT ACGTA CGACT GCATC GATCG ATCGA TCGAC TGCTA GCATC GATCG > ATCGA TCGTA GCATC GATCG ATCGA CTAAA CACCG GCATG CTGCC GGCCG CGCTA TATAC > GATCG CCTAT GCTCA GCTAG CGGCT GCGCA TATAT TCGCG GCGCG CGCGC GATAT ATATA > TAAAT TACGC GAGTC GTCAG CTAGC TAGCT ACGAC TTGCA TGCAG TCGCA TGACC TGGTC > CATCA TGTCG TCCTG CGTTC GGTCT GCTGC TGCGT CGACC CCCTA ATTAG GTTAG CCTGA > TGCTC GCCGG CATGC GATCG ATCGA CTAAA CACCG GCATG CTGCC GGCCG CGCTA TATAC > GATCG CCTAT GCTCA GCTAG CGGCT GCGCA TATAT CATGC ATCGT ACGTA CGACT GCATC > GATCG ATCGA TCGAC TGCTA GCATC GATCG ATCGA TCGTA GCATC GATCG ATCGA CTAAA > CACCG GCATG CTGCC GGCCT CATGC ATCGT ACGTA CGACT GCATC GATAT TACGC GAGTC > GTCAG CTAGC TAGCT ACGAC TTGCA TGCAG TCGCA TGACC TGGTC CATCA TGTCG TCCTG > CGTTC GGTCT GCTGC TGCGT CGACC CCCTA ATTAG GTTAG CCTGA TGCTC GCCGG CATGC > GATCG ATCGA CTAAA CACCG GCATG CTGCC GGCCG CGCTA TATAC GATCG CCTAT GCTCA > GCTAG CGGCT GCGCA TATAT CATGC ATCGT ACGTA CGACT GCATC GATCG ATCGA TCGAC > TGCTA GCATC GATCG ATCGA TCGCT GCGCA TATAT CATGC ATCGT ACGTA CGACT GCATC > GATCG ATCGA TCGAC TGCTA GCATC GATCG ATCGA TCGGC ATGAT CTACC ATGGC AATAG > CCGCT ACTCA TGTAC GTAGC TGCTA GCATC GCGCT ATGCT CATGC ATCGT ACGTA CGACT > GCATC GATAT TACGC GAGTC And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmm, let's see. } } The first sequence controls the ability to chuck lumber and the... } } Hey, wait just one cotton pickin' minute here! } }