From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Wed Jan 26 09:35:18 2000 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.9.3/8.9.3/IUCS_2.28) id JAA09483; Wed, 26 Jan 2000 09:02:48 -0500 (EST) Date: Wed, 26 Jan 2000 09:02:48 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200001261402.JAA09483@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1145 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1145 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1145 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Wed, 26 Jan 2000 09:02:48 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1145 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1140 60 votes 4cij7 28jn8 8gja7 aglb2 7dp87 59ph4 5doc6 beie3 pid40 bfj69 1140 2.9 mean 3.2 3.5 2.9 2.6 2.9 3.1 3.0 2.7 1.9 2.8 --- 1145-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Where did I put my copy of 'Clockwork orange'? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, me 'veckkie, parted from the dorogoy biblium? } Gloopy-gloop-bolshy-gloop. So you creech "govorett-me" to the Oracle, } and with a grolly-velly that's not a bit horrorshow. I haven't } viddied the sodding veshch, but here's my soviet: just crast another, } or kupet one if you're spoogy of the millicents. Pony? } } You owe the Oracle a bit of the old ultragrovel next time or I'll } tolchock your yarbles. If you have any yarbles. Then it's me and } the devotchka, brooko-a-brooko. --- 1145-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle most warm and fuzzy, > > Every now and then my cat will disappear for hours on end. I won't be > able to find her anywhere. Where does she go when this happens, and > what is she doing? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Don't worry, your cat is still around. She just isn't visible because, } well, your cat is regenerating. You see, after rigorous testing } and numerous government grants, modern science has discovered two } properties of cats: } } a) they are composed entirely of fur; } b) they shed regularly. } } It has been posited that cats occasionally shed themselves out of } existence. Luckily, they are capable of regenerating at phenomenal } rates and can usually grow themselves new furry bodies within a few } hours. So if you look under the bed and see a dustbunny or two, leave } it alone. In a few hours you should come back to a fully-reformed } feline dozing happily on the pillow. Ah, the wonders of nature. } } (Incidentally, this is another reason why, if you are a cat fancier, } you should never vacuum dust bunnies.) } } You owe the Oracle a Dustbuster. --- 1145-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, most 31337, who can break into L0PHT's servers... > > [8 lines of groveling removed - ed] > > ...I was recently working on some reverse engineering... > > [30 lines of irrelevant story removed - ed] > > ...and as I was walking by, this guy claimed to be from the NSA, and > want to hire me, and I asked him... > > [58 more lines of irrelevant story removed - ed] > > ...and I thought this guy was fake, so I checked via various channels > to see if he had shown up before... > > [281, yes, 281 lines of irrelevant digressions about various computer > failures and colorful personalities who hang out on IRC removed - ed] > > ...they said that yes, he was for real, but that he, in the words of > GuGler, "probly frm some gvmt. agncy that ain't NSA or US-bsd", and in > the words of PParKer... > > [10 lines of various opinions, followed by 23 lines of irrelevant > story removed - ed] > > ...so I checked official channels... > > [21 lines of irrelevant story removed - ed] > > ...and this guy *did* *not* *exist*... > > [26 lines of irrelevant story removed - ed] > > ...so, he claimed he wanted to hire me for my experience, and that he > needed somebody to... > > [7 lines of job description, followed by 47 lines of irrelevant story > removed - ed] > > ...and that's all I'm allowed to say. > > So, what I have to ask is, what should I do? Should I take the job? > Should... > > [20 lines of questions removed - ed] And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You can take the } } [14 lines of expletives removed] } } job, grab yourself by the } } [3 lines of phyiscal impossibilities removed] } } take a glass staff of zot and stick it } } [6 lines of painful autoeroticism removed] } } and you can tell Larry Niven to take a flying } } [15 lines of intergalactic sexual misconduct removed] } } and leave it in the mailbox for the police to find. } } You owe the Oracle oracularities that require less priestial editing. --- 1145-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dr. Noe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, I have a met a really nice guy and I want to know > whether it will work out. And if he feels the same way as I do. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dearest supplicant, allow me to give you a little quiz that will } help you find the solutions to all your relationship problems: } } 1. When you speak to him on the telephone, he... } (a) ...does nothing but breathe heavily. } (b) ...baby talks. } (c) ...asks if you'd like to join him for lunch. } (d) ...asks if you'd like to speak to his wife. } (e) ...threatens to file a sexual harassment suit. } } 2. When you run into to him on the street, he... } (a) ...swears he wasn't following you. } (b) ...takes your arm and requests the honor of walking you } home. } (c) ...smiles, greets you, and engages you in conversation. } (d) ...covers his face with a newspaper and crosses to the } other side. } (e) ...puts one hand on his holster. } } 3. When you make eye-contact with him from across a crowded room, he... } (a) ...stares blankly and drools. } (b) ...blushes, shyly smiles, and then gazes longingly into } your eyes. } (c) ...nods and mouths the word "Hello". } (d) ...rolls his eyes and turns away. } (e) ...spits his drink on the person standing next to him. } } 4. On your birthday, he... } (a) ...has your name tattooed onto a very delicate part of } his anatomy. } (b) ...prepares a romantic candlelight dinner just for the } two of you. } (c) ...buys you a CD by your favorite musical group. } (d) ...buys you a self-help book. } (e) ...swears you look much older than that. } } 5. The letters he sends to you... } (a) ...are written with words cut and pasted from newspapers } and magazines. } (b) ...are written in sonnet form. } (c) ...are written on company stationery. } (d) ...are delivered postage-due. } (e) ...are delivered by process servers. } } 6. He shows his concern for your welfare by... } (a) ...standing outside your house all night and peeking in } your windows to just make sure you're okay. } (b) ...nursing you back to health when you get sick. } (c) ...sending you a get-well card when you get sick. } (d) ...half-heartedly depressing the brake pedal when you } walk out in front of his car. } (e) ...seeking to have you committed. } } 7. When you hint that you'd like spend the holidays with him, he... } (a) ...says he'd love to, but Mother might be jealous. } (b) ...suggests a romantic hideaway in the tropics. } (c) ...politely says he has other plans. } (d) ...slaps his thighs and guffaws. } (e) ...calls the police. } } 8. When you show him your cat, he... } (a) ...asks if you have a stew pot big enough for it. } (b) ...says, "Awww, wook at dee cutesy-wutesy wittle kitten." } (c) ...tries to be polite and pretend he likes cats. } (d) ...says, "So that explains the way your house smells." } (e) ...asks if you have a stew pot big enough for it. } } 9. He tells you he thinks of you whenever... } (a) ...he makes threatening calls to your old boyfriends. } (b) ...he sees the sun rising over the ocean. } (c) ...he needs a babysitter at the last minute. } (d) ...he gets the urge to report someone for tax evasion. } (e) ...wakes up screaming in the middle of the night. } } 10. The last present he bought you was... } (a) ...his-and-her cemetery plots. } (b) ...encrusted with precious gems. } (c) ...dispensed from the office vending machine. } (d) ...purchased at a novelty store and placed under your } seat cushion. } (e) ...set on fire and left on your doorstep. } } Now calculate your score: give yourself 4 points for each time you } answered (a), 3 points for each (b), 2 points for each (c), 1 point for } each (d), and 0 points for each (e). } } If your total is... } } 0 thru 7: He will succeed in getting a restraining order. Learn to } live with it. Ask your doctor for more medication. } } 8 thru 15: He despises you. There's nothing you can do to change his } mind, so you might as well be as petty as possible about } it and devote your life to making him miserable. } } 16 thru 23: He likes you, but not well enough to build a lasting } relationship. However, don't despair: if your score is 20 } or more, he might be willing occasionally to help you move } furniture, or to pick you up at the airport -- if you'll } just encourage him by flirting a bit. } } 24 thru 31: Your deep feelings for one another will lead to a } treacherous, unrelenting cycle of co-dependency, which in } turn will result in years of mental anguish and deep, } abiding bitterness. In other words: buy the ring, set the } date, and send out the invitations! } } 32 thru 40: Be afraid. Be very afraid. } } 41 or above: I don't know whether he likes you or not, but if you can } convince him to get you a present, I'd suggest a } calculator. } } You owe the Oracle dinner and a movie. --- 1145-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > REGIS: Welcome back to "Who Wants to Be a Millionare?". Our contestant > has just won $500,000 and is ready to try for the big million bucks. > Are you ready? > > SUPPLICANT: Yes, I am, Regis. > > REGIS: Is that your final answer? > > SUPPLICANT: You're not supposed to say that until you ask the > question. > > REGIS: Oh, right. Ok, for one million dollars, here's your question: > > How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could > chuck would? > > SUPPLICANT: Wow. I have absolutely no idea. What lifelines do I > have left? > > REGIS: Well, you've already polled the audience and used your 50:50. > You can phone a friend if you like. > > SUPPLICANT: Hm. I think I'd like to phone a friend, Regis. > > REGIS: Ok, that's fine. Who would you like to call? > > SUPPLICANT: The Oracle. > > REGIS: Is he a friend of yours? > > SUPPLICANT: I wouldn't presume to call him a friend. But he does know > just about everything. He's just about wisest guy in the world. > > REGIS: All right, we'll see if AT&T can get The Oracle on the line > for you. > > editing> > > REGIS: Here we go, I think we're about to make the connection ... > > > > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, I would not like to buy any encyclopedias, and it's three in the } morning here! } } > > Uh, hi Orrie. } } Who the hell is this? } } > > This is a supplicant, and um... } } > > REGIS: This is Regis Philbin on "Who Wants to Be--" } } REGIS PHILBIN?! You are easily the most annoying person on the } planet... well, no, almost the most annoying, John Tesh still edges you } out. I oughtta Z0T you just out of principle. } } > > REGIS: Uh... that would be foolish, Mr. Oracle, when this } > > Supplicant here is about to use his Lifeline to ask you the } > > million-dollar question! } } It had better not be what I know it is, being omniscient and having } read the question and all. } } > > Uh, Orrie, how much woo-- } } --==****==-- } } Ahhh. That was easily the most satisfying Z0T I've performed in a long } time. Even took out the studio audience. What a benefit to humanity. } } You owe the Oracle a slightly singed million-dollar check. --- 1145-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is the cash in the middle of a poker game called a "kitty"? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, considering where *you*'re coming from, it's not surprising that } you asked it that way, but in fact, as you should (but don't) know, } &any* pool of small contributions is called a "kitty". Why is this so, } you ask? } } Well, it all started when people were betting on cricket, and a player } hit a.... You don't want to know the rest. } } You owe the Oracle an appeal from 1995 FED App. 0254P (6th Cir.). --- 1145-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > BUY 100 SHARES IO > WAIT 360 > SELL 100 SHARES IO And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } NEW YORK (Reuters) - The Internet Oracle Co. (NYSE:IO - prophecies), } the top prophet and seer in the United States, with global dealings in } the trillions of dollars, said Monday morning that it's fourth-quarter } earnings per share rose 1237 percent after their hostile take-over } of Microsoft. } } Shares of the Indiana-based IOC jumped from 13 to 1250 Monday on the } New York Stock Exchange. } } ``It was a pretty good quarter for IOC,'' said Herman Galooly, } an analyst with Goldman Sachs. ``They beat consensus by dollars. } Their cost cutting was better than expected, what with most of the } supplicants being moved to off-shore camps. Question answering was } at an all-time high, with digests being produced at the highest rate } in history. And they managed to double their investments in their } digital portfolio.'' } } ``We expect continued top-line growth momentum in 2000,'' said Daniel } Drebble, an IOC representative. ``Microsoft is in fiscal jeopardy } at the moment, but we expect to work it as hard as we can before } it croaks." } } ``This is a good indication that the Internet Oracle is not just } another fly-by-night, billion dollar IPO, doomed to crash by the end of } the year, like Amazon," said Goldman Sachs' Galooly. "It could help } Microsoft's case before the courts if they're going to be treated } like a red-headed step-child." } } The IOC, which in addition to it's question-answering busines, raked } in $132 million with it's candy sales, $2.4 billion in sales of "MAKE } CASH FAST" messages, and $437 million in off-shore "entertainments," } says it plans to "beat Microsoft into a froth before liquidating } it's assets, disassembling it, and transferring it's management to } the janitorial staff at Sun." --- 1145-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oraculus beatus est: > > Veritas: Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "Your most deliciousness! Could you spare me a moment of your hectic } schedule to help your lowly servant?" } } With a faint goan I cracked open an eyelid. It would be Zadoc, wouldn't } it? With a wave of my hand I silenced the sound system and sat up on my } deckchair. There he was, grovelling in the sand between the two plastic } palm trees I'd had put up. I was giving serious thought to this } tropical look. Huge stone mansions are fine, but a little cold in the } winter. } } "What is it? This better be good. I don't appreciate sitting through } that trippy seagull bit if I can't listen to the build up back into the } final verse. I'll have to rewind it now." } } "Sorry, oh greatly masterful great one. Your choice in music always } echoes the music of the sph..." } } "Oh get on with it, you meddlesome fool!" } } "What does this say? I can't read it." } } >> Oraculus beatus est: } >> } >> Veritas: Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur? } } I glanced at the scrap of paper. I knew what it meant, of course, and } as for an answer, well if I'd wanted to I could have thought up one on } the spot. But the worm would never learn that way, would he? } } "What do *you* think it says?" quoth I. } } "Ummm... ummm.. Oraculus.... that'd be you? right?" } } "Yes." } } "good... umm... beatus..... beatus... beat us? well... the other night } Lisa had that leather whi..." } } "Yes, well, I don't think it means THAT, does it now, Zadoc?" } } "No, of course not... I burnt the videotape just as you ordered, so } no-one could ever find out..." } } "I think we can safely assume it's talking about my greatness." } } "Of course it is... that was exactly what I was going to say." } } "Of course you were." } } "Couldn't you just tell me what it says?" } } With a masterfully acted heavy sigh, I said "All right. It's obviously } a question about security cameras in pay toilets - Quidquid being much } money, latine being the descendant of latrine, (Quidquid Latine } therefore being a pay toilet) sit being what you generally do in there, } and viditur referring to the video being taken. Now can you answer it?" } } "Oh yes, most useful master, most cunning lingui" } } "Yes, yes, the old ones aren't always the best. Go!" } } "Oh, perfect one?" } } "You've got 5 seconds... 4..." } } "What does the supplicant owe us?" } } ".. 3... Oh... an empty toliet paper roll." --- 1145-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce M. Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, who can count high enough to calculate the number of > people killed this century by oppressive governments, pray tell me the > answer to my question. > > Have you noticed that the most oppressive regimes have the most > democratic names? Off the top of my head I can think of: > * Democratic People's Republic of North Korea > * People's Republic of China > * complete with the People's Liberation Army > * The Union of Soviet Socialist Republic, (old, but it was really big) > * Peoples Republic of the Congo > * People's Republic of Bangladesh > > On the other hand, the more liberal countries in the world have > innocent name like "Australia" or "Canada". > > Can you explain to me why this is? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Doublespeak. Nothing cheers the peasants more than a government } message that begins, "Hail, citizens and comrades! Welcome to another } day in this great and glorious workers' paradise!" and then proceeds to } tell them they have to give their houses to The State or risk a very } painful headache brought on by small-caliber bullets applied to the } skull. } } Dodge this. } } You owe the Oracle a government, anywhere, that really tells it like it } is. --- 1145-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > The queue is almost empty. > Consider sending stupid questions instead of inane answers. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You mean like you did? Ha, ha, ha. } } But seriously, you're right. We need more questions in the queue, } even if they are stupid ones. Here are some suggestions: } } - Why did the Oracle cross the road? } } - How many Oracular priests does it take to change a lightbulb? } } - How many Oracular priests does it take to cross the road? } } - Can I give a vote of zero to some piece of garbage I find in } one of the Oracularities digests? } } - Can I use an abrasive cleanser to clean a SCSI card? } } You owe the Oracle the submission of each of these questions into } the queue.