From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Mon Mar 20 10:14:05 2000 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.9.3/8.9.3/IUCS_2.28) id JAA06814; Mon, 20 Mar 2000 09:45:22 -0500 (EST) Date: Mon, 20 Mar 2000 09:45:22 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200003201445.JAA06814@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1155 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1155 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1155 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Mon, 20 Mar 2000 09:45:22 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1155 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1150 70 votes 5jol1 8frh3 2noe7 bjjd8 3crp3 3ctk6 7jfja 8dnl5 2dtj7 bjkc8 1150 3.0 mean 2.9 2.9 3.0 2.8 3.2 3.2 3.1 3.0 3.2 2.8 --- 1155-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Most timely Oracle, you are in possession of vast quantities of > wisdom and are at the same instance both jovial and frightening, > > How will we known when the rule of carbon-based organisms has > been supplanted by those of silicon? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } When Pamela Anderson becomes president. } } You owe the Oracle a password to download her latest "political } infomercial." --- 1155-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, what are the b0rk? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } They're a major plot element in one of the new _Star Trek_ series } currently undergoing test marketing by Paramount. You see, in an } attempt to continue Trek's control of the coveted "geek demographic" } (and to cut production costs), they're considering setting this new } Trek in the present-day Usenet, and having it involve the exploration } of newsgroups, not planets. Here, I'll give you the plot summaries } for some of the upcoming episodes: } } #001 "New Group" } } The newly commissioned U.S.S. SLRN, under the command of Captain Kibo, } is intercepted by a powerful being identifying itself as "David } Lawrence", who attempts to hold the crew responsible for the whole } rec.music.white-power fiasco. } } #002 "Holy War" } } The SLRN encounters a poster who has been isolated from the net for } many years, and must prevent him from unwittingly restarting the Big } Endian vs. Little Endian flamewar. } } #003 "Memetics" } } A signature virus infects Captain Kibo, causing his posts to become } dangerously unstable and provoking a Warlord attack. } } #004 "Archimedes" } } Science Officer McElwaine REPRODUCES and DISSEMINATES some IMPORTANT } Information that may help the crew acquire some much-needed Plutonium. } } #005 "Lurker" } } The SLRN must study a race of primitive W4R3Z D00DZ without } interfering with their cultural development. } } #006 "Make Money Fast" } } During a routine upgrade of the SLRN's filters, the Spammers attack, } and trap the crew inside a giant, bandwidth-draining pyramid. } } #007 "Turkey" } } Lieutenant Commander Argic attempts discover his inner humanity. } } #008 "Infinitive" } } Soon after the admittance of alt.usage.english into the United } Federation of Geeks, the SLRN receives new orders: The crew is no } longer to boldly go where no one has gone before, but is now to go } boldly. } } #009 "In the Pale CRT-Light" } } The new AOL-Time Warner alliance threatens the stability of the ALT } Quadrant, and Kibo must consider bringing the Microsofties onto the } Federation's side. } } #010 "The b0rk" } } alt.swedish.chef.encounter.fight.lose } alt.captain.kibo.kidnap.implant.modify } alt.helpless.federation.attack.destroy.control } alt.powerful.chef.win.win.win } alt.correct.everyone.talk.speak.post } } alt.no.joke.is.is.is } alt.oracular.knowledge.obtain.have.use } alt.puny.supplicant.assimilate.assimilate.assimilate } alt.futile.resistance.is.is.is } alt.irrelevant.strength.is.is.is } alt.current.life.gone.gone.gone } } alt.b0rk.service.owe.owe.owe --- 1155-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Julianna Avedon" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, > > Are corporate bodies really alive? > And are they now our dominant species? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Let's see now... I know those notes are round here somewhere... Ah, } here they are! These take me back to when God and I were just sitting } around his apartment brainstorming on just what Life was going to be } anyway. Exciting days! But anyway, there should be a checklist... Here } it is. } } 1. Respiration. } Corporate Bodies inhale graduates with no experience and exhale... } well, the same graduates, but now with a thin patina of experience } to conceal their incompetence. } } 2. Reproduction. } This occurs through a process akin to amoebic division, but termed } "re-organization" or sometimes "Department of Justice } Investigation". A corporate body will, once it gets too large and } sluggish, split into several smaller companies. Often the weakest of } these, the "marginal" businesses, will be snapped up by the circling } packs of other companies - see below. } } 3. Ingestion. } Corporate bodies are most often found ingesting other corporate } bodies, but when those are thin on the ground they have been known } to consume reputations, dreams and - occasionally - marriages. } } 4. Excretion. } I don't think I need to say anything here, do I? I think we can all } leverage our core synergies to move forwards with a humour-positive } mission statement. } } Hmmm... There's a whole load of other things here, mostly stuck in to } exclude things we didn't like. None are really relevant, though. In } conclusion, corporate bodies _are_ really alive, but they are not the } dominant species. Nor is the Body Politic, surprisingly. Not even Jesse } "The Body" Ventura. No, that honour lies elsewhere, and soon all of you } will know who your true masters are... } } You owe the Oracle a holy offering of something tasty, pushed under the } cooker. And get rid of those Evil Roach Motels, sinner. --- 1155-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: krc@erythrea.wellesley.edu The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How would the world be different if humans had evolved from clams? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } They would be asking "How many stars would a starfish fish if a } starfish could fish stars." } } You owe the Oracle a big bowl of chowder. --- 1155-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, > > Where will the bunny hide the eggs this year? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } In the bushes around the Playboy mansion. } } You owe the Oracle a playmate. --- 1155-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, > > Is it true that worldwide there are only 34 people who > read and use USENET? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, supplicant, it is indeed true. Here is a list of the 34 people } that are the readers and writers of USENET: } } 1. Harold Gertmeyer, 40 year old male. Cruises alt.bondage.personals in } the serach of a 20-some year old girl to play "Cops" with. } } 2. Peter Zeffel, 15 year old male. Posts message to } alt.bondage.personals, pretending to be a 20-some year old girl } interested in handcuffs. } } 3. Neil Browski, 32 year old male. Instigator of all of the pyramid } get-rich-quick schemes found throughout USENET. } } 4. Jeremy Urep, 28 year old male. Responds to all of the pyramid } schemes, using many aliases. Neil Browski has earned $60,000+ from him. } Jeremy doesn't realize he's also been sending money to himself under an } alias of his own creation. } } 5. Ruth Yowell, 33 year old female. Reads and posts to } alt.bondage.personals, posing as a 21 year old male into parafin } candles. } } 6. Paul Yowell, 31 year old male. Also reads and posts to } alt.bondage.personals, posing as a 22 year old female into parafin } candles. Paul is Ruth's brother. They will set up a time to meet each } other, and discover the horrible truth. } } 7. Capt. Zack Krusco, 39 year old male. Trying to crack down on pyramid } schemes found on USENET, is currently tracking 17 of Jeremy Urep's } aliases, with no positive leads. } } 8. Aaron Myles, 20 year old male. Frequents rec.anime.trading, buying, } selling, and swapping Japanese animation films with the other 2 anime } fans in America. } } 9. Alan Quincy, 29 year old male. Along with rec.anime.trading, also } checks alt.anime.nude.sailormoon in the hopes of scoring some new porno } shots of Queen Beryl. } } 10. Tanya Pleban, 23 year old female. Trades tapes with Aaron and Alan, } occasional dips into the alt.bondage.personals group as a curiosity. } } 11. Sgt. Willie Fame, 27 year old male. Trying to press charges against } Harold Gertmeyer. Likes to go to alt.cooking.recipes. } } 12. Regina Waltman, 51 year old female. CEO of Pillsbury Inc., posts to } alt.cooking.recipes in an attempt to lure in more customers and put } Betty Crocker out of business. } } 13. Mike Taylorhouse, 20 year old male. Posts brags and flames to } alt.games.quake, keeps asking for more multiplayer servers to play on. } } 14. Liam Priddy, 43 year old male. In a flamewar with some upstart kid } in alt.games.quake. } } 15. Rip Saylan, 30 year old male. Has subscribed to only one newsgroup: } alt.sex.stories. Never posts. Types with one hand. } } 16. Eddie Vanmeyer, 29 year old male. Has subscribed to only one } newsgroup: alt.sex.pictures. Never posts. Types with one hand. } } 17. Yahara Sikuya, 24 year old male. A super-multi-millionaire. Posts } the same stories to alt.sex.stories, simply changing the names and } throwing in "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" when needed. Posts the same } pictures to alt.sex.pictures, simply attaching a different model's head } to the body. Links to his website posted to the newsgroups provide } giant money for him. } } 18. Xavier Paulino, 17 year old male. alt.2600 regular, owns a Cap'n } Crunch whistle. Tells Capt. Zack Krusco he's also a police officer, } then bleeds info from him for hacking purposes. } } 19. Tina Roose, 26 year old female. Crusader on alt.tv.foreverknight, } trying desperately to get the show back on the air. She's the only one } left on the newsgroup. } } 20. Serena Mack, 23 year old female. Once a crusader to get Forever } Knight back on the air, switched to alt.tv.sliders in 1998. } } 21. Nick Guilara, 25 year old male. Once a crusader for Forever Knight } and Sliders, now hangs out at alt.tv.familyguy and repeats jokes } mentioned on the previous night's episode. } } 22. Lieu. Isaac Harris, 34 year old male. Told by Xavier Paulino that } Sgt. Willie Fame is an internet stalker, and is now persuing the } sergeant via alt.cooking.recipes. } } 23. Ben Stickler, 13 year old male. Resident genius on comp.linux, } assists the other 2 Linux users in America. } } 24. Freddy Branch, 30 year old male. Wiped his harddrive of all } Microsoft products, now trying to install Linux. Asks a 13 year old for } help on comp.linux. } } 25. Ted Herns, 28 year old male. Occasionally asks 13 year olds for } help on comp.linux. Also has his sights set on a couple of 20-some year } olds on alt.bondage.personals. } } 26. Kelli Myer, 19 year old female. Wanner be hacker, whines on } alt.2600 for some VMB codes. Friends with a cop on alt.cooking.recipes. } } 27. Jenni Squib, 24 year old female. Confused about her sexuality, } visits alt.lesbian for guidance. } } 28. Berry Guinan, 31 year old male. Attempting to help a confused girl } on alt.lesbian into experimentation, and into sending him pictures of } it. } } 29. Vica Beroli, 18 year old female. Gothgirl poster to alt.vampyres, } trying to start a discussion about how death is beautiful. No takers. } } 30. Guy Ferrel, 24 year old male. Attempting to get out of USENET, he } is using alt.irc to springboard him from newsgroup addiction to chat } addiciton. } } 31. Carl Trone, 28 year old male. Trying to become a contestant on } Jeopardy!, is posting repeatedly to alt.tv.gameshows in a failing } attempt to get assistance. } } 32. Michael Leau, 41 year old male. Classic lurker. Posts once or twice } a year when something on alt.bondage.personals catches his eye. } } 33. Vince Swaggle, 30 year old. Runs a bot that collects e-mail } addresses, sells them to big companies. Big companies then pay him to } spam newsgroups with their ads. } } 34. The Oracle, millions of years old. The only sensible one on USENET. } Answers questions from the masses. Intelligent. Poised. Homebase in } rec.humor.oracle. On rare occasions, will browse messages on } alt.bondage.personals. } } You owe the Oracle a decent news client, and maybe the e-mail address } to the hottie from the bondage personals group. --- 1155-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: krc@erythrea.wellesley.edu The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, most wise, who is very well read, and (hopefully) is willing to > write more then six lines, > > What would the short story "Flowers for Thagernon" be like? And how > would the TV movie compare? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It would be a lot like reading rec.humor.oracle.d in reverse date order } with large dragonflies occasionally buzzing in and out of your line of } sight. It would be like watching Larry King interview a kitchen } appliance (stay tuned, next Monday at 9 eastern on CNN). It would be } like reading the first five words in a two thousand word essay } repeatedly. Like getting a phone call from Alanis's hips. } } As for the TV movie, it would seem that Jerry Bruckheimer is directing } so not only will it not be as interesting as the book, but Tom Arnold } will play the hero. It should be explosive. } } You owe the Oracle a thousand-five on why Tom Arnold is still } considered a celebrity and what we can do to slip him back into the } envelope of obscurity, seal that sucker and mail it off to the dead } letter office. --- 1155-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > #!/usr/bin/perl -w > until(0) { $_="tsT.rho i.nsdn g i. se. tetvhhs.eae n";$_.=$1,print$2 > while s/(..)(.)//; } And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This is a reply that never really starts... --- 1155-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: krc@erythrea.wellesley.edu The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Most Pub-crawling Oracle who never has to pay the cover because > he knows all the bouncer's first names; > > Why do they put umbrellas in some drinks? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } In case it rains while you're having Sex on the Beach. } } You owe the Oracle a bartender's dictionary. --- 1155-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Orrie! Orrie! Orrie! The woodchucks, they're flooding > the queue! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Now, now Chicken Little, just yesterday you had your feathers all } in a bunch that the queue was being drained. } } It's the natural ebb and flow of the queue. } } Find the queue empty? Ask -new- questions. } } Find the queue flooded? Answer the one's you feel you can do just } to. } } You owe the Oracle the Colonel's secret recipe.