From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Thu Apr 20 10:09:24 2000 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.9.3/8.9.3/IUCS_2.29) id JAA26043; Thu, 20 Apr 2000 09:49:18 -0500 (EST) Date: Thu, 20 Apr 2000 09:49:18 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200004201449.JAA26043@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1161 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1161 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1161 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Thu, 20 Apr 2000 09:49:18 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1161 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1156 73 votes 3evl4 0fto5 1dftf 3hsk5 4cign 0gona 8mpg2 4iko7 35fsm 3ghji 1156 3.3 mean 3.1 3.3 3.6 3.1 3.6 3.4 2.8 3.2 3.8 3.5 --- 1161-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "BJ Backitis" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > {}{}{}{}{} > {}{}{}{}{} > {}{}{}{}{} > {}{}{}{}{} And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I looked up at the Oracle with apprehension. I had to concentrate } not to look at the bundle of dead roses which he had received just } this morning. He was looking at me quizzically. } } "Another one, master. Another empty box of chocolates." } } "Yes, I can see that, Zadoc", he said. "But don't you understand?" } } I didn't. I decided that the best course to take was to hang my } head in shame. I hung my head in shame. I heard the Oracle rise. } He approached, and took the box out of my hands. He started to speak. } } "The last time, Zadoc, the last time I received one of these, do you } remember what happened?" } } "Yes master", I said "You answered that you would appreciate it if } there had been at least some left in the box." } } "And what happened, Zadoc?" he said. "I'm making it easy for you, } you know." } } I ventured: "You received another empty box of chocolates, master." } } "Now," he said, "what can we infer about the nature of the person } who did this, Zadoc?" } } I would have said that this supplicant was just asking for a good } zotting, but mentioning zots in front of the master tended to have } adverse effects on my ability to follow the imperative I received from } the ravishing young thing I got my coffee from at the drive-through } each morning. "Have a nice day", she had said. I hesitated... } } "This person is asking for a good zotting," he said, in a sepulchral } voice "wouldn't you think?" } } Zot. The word had been spoken. Oh me, oh my, and I was _so_ hard } trying to have a nice day. Had she said "now" at the end? I couldn't } remember whether she had said "now" or not. I broke out in sweat. } } The Oracle's lips brushed touched my ear. I flinched. } } "And you know what we're going to do, Zadoc," he said with a voice } of gravel "don't you?" } } Hesitation is not the word for what I was doing then. Hesitation is } coffee in the morning. I was sweating blood! "Er... We give them } a goo..." I ventured. } } Suddenly I found myself flat on my face. I had received a hearty slap } on the shoulder. } } "We *don't* zot them!" he cried "We don't. We don't! It's so easy, } Zadoc! Don't you see?" } } Ah. Now I did see. Zots is zots, but this was something other. } } "Next!" The Oracle was back on his throne. } } He spoke again. "And ...er Zadoc?" } } "Yes, master?" I said. } } "Don't mention this to Lisa" he said. } } "No, master". } } You owe the Oracle nothing. Nothing whatsoever. Go away. --- 1161-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > "'Tis some script kidd3z," I muttered, > "Tapping at my server port- > Only this, and nothing more." And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } logon: kidd3z password: nevermoqx invalid password } logon: kidd3z password: nevermoqy invalid password } logon: kidd3z password: nevermoqz invalid password } logon: kidd3z password: nevermora invalid password } logon: kidd3z password: nevermorb invalid password } logon: kidd3z password: nevermorc invalid password } logon: kidd3z password: nevermord invalid password } logon: kidd3z password: nevermore } User kidd3z logged on } Last invalid logon attempt 0.07 seconds ago } Last valid logon Fri Mar 31 19:03:55 2000 } > } } You owe the Oracle nothing, this is going to be fun. --- 1161-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What are the answers to the test? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 1. Yogi. A mystic. One of great and holy concentrations, capable of } completely controlling the heart rate, blood pressure, respirations, } and cash flow of his/her adherents. See also Anna Nicole Smith. } } 2. Ostracize. The one cize that fits all. } } 3. University. A limited secondary where professionals are instructed } in pathological lying. } } 4. Analytic. From the Latin, 'anal' - of the brain. } Human thought. Compare: } Egolytic: human conversation } Gallolytic: human commerce } Biliolytic: human discussion } Podialytic: human speech } Spleenolytic: an editorial } } 5. Ransom. Money paid to a crook for the redemption of a hostage. } Ransoms are due April 15, or 105 days after the beginning of a } fiscal year. } } 6. Erudite, a three-syllable word restricted to the use of a boob. } } 7. Time. The apparent interval between wastes, means, and sorrows. } Time is divided as follows: } 1 week = 7 days } 1 month = 4 weeks } 1 year = 12 payments } } 8. Hollywood. So would Trixie, Liz, Victoria and Susan. } } 9. Element. There are four elements left: earth, air, bourbon, } and water. } } 10. Absolute zero. The prospect of magnanimity, on a scale of 1 } to 273. } } 11. Verbal. Audible, guttural, overstated. } } 12. Ain't. The contraction of 'ain not,' from the language of the } savage tribe of Aine, of Oolong-Pootong, the members of which society } are commonly referred to Ainuses. The contraction has no meaning, } and Ainuses use it when they do not intend to say anything, ...or } when they do. } } 13, Totally committed. Said of those inmates sporting the 3-piece } straitjackets. } } 14. Advice. Any dispensation of misinformation inducing a sense } of worthiness in oneself and abjection in another. } } 15. Rewarding. Remunerative of everything except a living wage. } } 16. Orgasm. Disappointment in proportion to expectation. A paroxysm } of groans. } } 17. Fanatic. A misguided infidel who murders in the name of Religion } rather than in the holy cause of Off-Shore Oil Leases. } } 18. Assizes. British seats of law. Official bodies whose domain } is the privy, or court. In America assizes are Superior and Supreme. } } 19. Lockjaw. An insufficiently frequent example of God's grace } toward ears. } } 20. Low-sodium. Of an insipidness prescribed for those who will } die by being nagged. } } 21. Privacy. The fantasy of Republicans. Insufficient exposure } to gregarians and other pernicious tedia. } } 22. Augury. The ancient science of predicting political trends by } consulting the intestines of a sheep. Currently it is called the } New Hampshire primary, and entails the gut-reaction of a jackass. } } 23. The wages of sin. About $200 an hour. } } 24. Holy Land. an area near the Dead Sea, in the Mideast, whose } monuments are held sacred by Christian, Jew, and Moslem alike. } These include the Barrels of Arabia, the Pipelines of Persia, and } the Tankers of Kuwait. } } 25. Evil. The evening clothes of foolishness. } } 26. Tip of the iceberg. 1/8 of my ex-wife. } } 27. Ithyphallic. Pertaining to a hymn to Bacchus, written in } lines of three trochees, an amphibrach, four tercets, a distich, } two chancres, and a spirochete. } } 28. Cubicle. An office designed in the shape of an executive. } } 29. Sauntering. One method by which a wise man makes correct use } of his feet. The other is by kicking a congressman in the pants. } } 30. Omen. A sign from God of an impending obscurity. } } 31. Deregulate. To promote the spirit of free competition by } dividing a large monopoly (i.e....Microsoft) into several smaller } ones, in order to benefit the public by raising prices and eliminating } technical support. } } 32. Syrup. Stock-in-trade of politicians. It is prepared by boiling } one-syllable words until they run together. } } 33. Ax. To propose a query, in a specialized urban environment. } Retorts are hackneyed and incoherent. } } 34. Narcoleptic. One who dozes while you talk, but for an improper } reason. } } 35. Dicotylyzitofylerazonous. Having two cotylyzitofylerazons. } } 36. Natural. Pure; wholesome; healthful, ...inedible. } } 37. Elope. A congenitaly blind burrowing animal, sometimes nocturnal } in its habits. Distinguished from an antelope, a wise being of much } better vision, and fleeter of foot. } } 38. Entertain. To elevate from boredom to disgust. } } 39. Dignity. The Tree of Life, cut down by Civilization and bulldozed } to the Mill of Society, where it is whittled to the Toothpick of } Despair. } } 40. Tone deaf. In accord with popular music. } } 41. Oversexed. Addicted to penicilin. } } 42. Group therapy. An orgy of confessionals. } } 43. Exuberance. A defect of character in those prone to exhibitions } of salesmanship, fits of social-awareness, or other excesses, } dissipation, theme parties, pre-theatre suppers, career opportunities, } and fund-raisers. The foible is correctible by banning brunch } hostesses and motivation seminars for a period of seven years. } } 44. Transsexual. One seeking a second disappointment. } } 45. Assist. To increase the factor of incompetency by one. } } 46. Larceny. A sturdy fiber of which, according to medical opinion, } the human heart is more or less composed. } } 47. Intuition. The immediate knowing of something unencumbered by } the process of thought. } } 48. Full bore. DMP, on the subject of his penis. } } 49. Eyes. The windows of the sold. } } These are the answers for the Omnipotent's and Oracle's Exam. } You'll need to work out for yourself exactly where and how to submit } it and with whom to apply. } } You owe the Oracle a case of hangover remedy...stat. --- 1161-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tremendously wise Oracle who never fails to not overlook > any crucial nor non-crucial points, > > What will the next Civil War in the USA be about? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Montana and Wyoming will attempt to secede from the union on the } grounds that no one was paying attention. When Washington DC finds } out they immediately bomb North Dakota by accident, which still has a } large number of nuclear warheads from the cold war. North Dakota then } nukes Texas on the grounds that it can. Idaho citizens, outraged, } will invade Montana with potato guns for trying to leave without } taking them with. } } The first offensive: } Wisconsin attacks upper Michigan because they feel they have more } right to that land that Michigan ever did. Florida sends an } army of alligator riding warriors into Alabama. They continue } west until they reach Mississippi, where the surviving Texans are } currently residing. In a battle that lasts 33.24 seconds, the Texan's } armored trucks annihilate that alligator riders my running over them. } While its citizens are in Mississippi, Texas is reclaimed by Mexico. } The surviving Florida fighters return to find the lower half of the } state has been conquered by Cuba. } } The second offensive: } Utah sweeps through Nevada pushing people, casinos, and large } mountain ranges into California. Unable to support the weight, } California breaks off of the continent. Within seconds they declare } independence and form the Independent State of Secluded Separation. } } The third offensive: } With California gone, Maryland makes a sneak offensive to attempt } to reclaim the land it gave for Washington DC, while DC is still } sorting through former Californian Social Security numbers. Driven by } the success of Maryland, New Jersey attempts to take over New York } City, but gets lost before they get more than a mile in city limits } and are never heard from again. Delaware and Pennsylvania fight over } New Jersey. Pennsylvania wins, but while it is fighting Delaware, } Ohio sneaks in behind it and conques 3/4ths of the state. } } The final push: } To finance their final offensive the U.S. Government sells Alaska } to China and, unbeknownst to its citizens or government, sells } Canada to Japan. They use the money to buy expensive toilet seats } and lob them at the renegade states. Fearful that the war may end, } every state north of Interstate 70 concurently attacks Nashville, } forever silencing country music. } } The resolution: } With the elimination of country music, the nation finds itself } far less irritable. States make peace with each other, except for } Indiana, which signs itself over to Illinois because no one bothered } to read the treaty first. So the United States government issues new } flags with 45 and one half stars, and the nation is at peace again. } } You owe the oracle a reinforced concrete bunker with 3 years of } supplies and a better design for the new flag. --- 1161-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O most literally-minded Oracle, whose intentions never were a path to > hell, whose ZOT is worse than his frown, whose power encloses all worms > late or early: > > Did your curiosity ever kill the cat ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Killed mine. } And I never did get to find out how the cannon worked. --- 1161-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "BJ Backitis" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > "'ere the other side you see, you must answer these questions three." > > "Ask away, Bridgekeeper." > > "What is your name?" > > "The Internet Oracle" > > "What is your quest?" > > "To seek the Lost Monty Python Skit" > > "How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck would chuck > wood?" > ... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "Stop that! It's silly!" the Colonel ordered stepping out from } off screen. "Here we had a fine little skit about lost Monty Python } skits, when you start blathering about woodchucks. Now we're going to } show you something proper and military, some precision ZOTing. Oracle, } on the command ZOT, ZOT. Oracle!" } } ZOT! } } Thank goodness, he's gone. Now what was that last question, } bridgekeeper? } } You owe the Oracle an African and European swallow. --- 1161-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I draw people smiling, dogs running, rainbows. They don't have meetings > about rainbows. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah! You are so right, supplicant... but they SHOULD. } } That is why I formed the Committee for Rainbow User Discussion (CRUD). } } You too can join CRUD. Simply send $24.95 plus $5.95 S&H to: } } CRUD } c/o Roy G. Biv } PO Box 9 } Spectrum, AR 64738 } } They will send you a membership card, schedule of meeting times, and a } genuine crystal prism, so you too can make your own rainbows! } } Here are the minutes from the last meeting, so you can catch up with } the latest happenings. } } CRUD Minutes } Apr. 18, 2000 } } 8:00 Meeting called to order } } 8:01 Issue 1: Pot of Gold } Motion: Due to inflation, the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow } shall be increased in size by 15%. } Motion seconded, voted for 14-1. Only objection coming from Darby } O'Sullivan. } } 8:06 Issue 2: The Indigo Debate } Discussion: Once again, the argument that indigo should not be a } recognized spectrum color is brought up. A strong argument is raised } that in a box of 8 Crayola crayons, each of the other 6 spectrum } colors are recognized, with indigo not present. Discussion continued, } with no vote. } } 8:28 Issue 3: Kermit the Frog Tribute } Break: Sing-along of "The Rainbow Connection" } } 8:32 Issue 4: Rainbow Sprinkle Marshmallows } Discussion: Lucky Charms recently introduced totally white, arc } shaped marshmallows to their cereal, with said marshmallows covered in } rainbow colored sprinkles. Everyone agreed that non-uniform sprinkles } do not constitute a rainbow. A strong letter shall be written to } General Mills, stating that these pseudo-rainbows make the cereal } significantly less "magically delicious". } } 8:39 Issue 5: Meeting closing } Voting is re-capped, any open motions resolved. Next meeting scheduled } for April 29, 2000. Meeting adjourned. } ======================================================================== } } You owe the Oracle a pair of ruby slippers. --- 1161-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, Oracle, most wise, who can run an ELF binary by hand... > > Can you give me a summary and review of the recent O'Reilly book, > "Setting Up A Tolkien Ring Network"? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The long awaited O'Reilly book, "Setting Up A Tolkien Ring Network" } is the product of many of the Greatest Minds of Middle Earth (ME). } } The text would have been released earlier, but one collaborator is } working at a notoriously slow pace and, well, no one has the heart } to prod him along. } } Below are the many sections and an excerpt from the foreword } for each of those sections. } ()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()() } } Table of Contents } } 1. Dire Warnings and other Jazz } by Mandos ( The Doomsman of the Valar ) } } Whilst others have gone this way, of no guarantee can I } speak for you. Here within are listed Legal Mumbo Jumbo } absolving us of any doom you bring unto yourself! } } 2. Hardware requirements } by Duirn (Father of the Dwarves) } } Cold sheet steel encases the feverish mind of the box } before you. What contraptions will you need to place where } to make it work? I, the eldest craftsman, student of none } other than Aule the Smith will be your guide through the } dark twisty passages inside. And together we will craft } a thing of beauty. And strength. And vengeance! Baruk } Khazad! Khazad aimenu! } } 3. Which Valar should I evoke? } Gandalf (Most Successful of the Maiar) } } Sit, sit little one. Smoke if that's your pleasure, a } bit of stout if it's not. Ah, it's great to be alive is } it not? But beware. A cold dark empty screen can be fall } you if you stray from the path. But fear not, well, at } least not right now. I am here to guide you. Unless of } course I have to dash off on some errand. So steel yourself. } Let me help you pick a Vala to whom you can look in } such times. } } 4. Installation and Setup } The Ring Makers of Eregion } } A complication of articles on each step of ring construction } by those acknowledged by all of ME to be -the- masters of } this skill. Not to be missed. This no-nonsense section is } worth the price of the text alone. } NOTE: O'Reilly does not condone nor advocate fabrication } of Rings of Power. } } 5. Known problems } Wormtounge (Former advisor to The House of Theoden) } } A pretty little mess you've decided to delve into here. I } wouldn't have even bothered, there are easier, more, how } to put it, more profitable ways of doing this. I can help } you if you wish. But it's of no never mind to me. } } 6. Questions and comments } Bilbo (noted chronicler of events at Rivendale) } } { Note: this section will contain many fascinating } discussions and rare and precious tidbits of lore. } } ()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()() } } You owe the Oracle a meal at the Prancing Pony. --- 1161-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > [Question removed due to lack of space - ed.] And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hi, Ed. I know what you mean. I question that "removed due to lack of } space" crap myself. You sit there, you spend DAYS, WEEKS maybe, } writing that perfect question for the Oracle. You get it formatted } just so in HTML, just the right fonts, a couple of hefty bitmaps, your } best 418-line .sig. And when it comes back, you get nothing. Just the } snotty little "removed due to lack of space". So you know what? I'm } sick of it! Are you with me, man? We don't have to take this! Here's } what we do: First, we tell the Oracle where he can put his lack of } space! Ha ha! Then w[;. The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Do people really care so much about money and power that they are > willing to throw their ethics down the toilet and exploit their > fellow man? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hell yes! } } And that's usually getting off fairly easy. At least that way you } have a small chance of just barely getting into Heaven due to some } random acts of kindness performed at accidental times all throughout } your life. } For most, reversal of ethics and complete exploitation are _still_ not } enough to claim money and power, and are forced to either sell their } soul (good negotiators can come away from this one with a win-win; } others die the following morning) and/or resort to politics. } } You owe the Oracle a campaign for senator.