From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Fri Jun 30 07:44:05 2000 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.9.3/8.9.3/IUCS_2.29) id HAA05607; Fri, 30 Jun 2000 07:20:01 -0500 (EST) Date: Fri, 30 Jun 2000 07:20:01 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200006301220.HAA05607@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1170 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1170 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1170 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Fri, 30 Jun 2000 07:20:01 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1170 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1165 81 votes msid0 8wsb2 bchmj 38xra 4ktia cmsc7 5fto8 4imne 2amzc 8ord9 1165 3.0 mean 2.3 2.6 3.3 3.4 3.1 2.8 3.2 3.3 3.6 2.9 --- 1170-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh supplicant most incomplete... --- 1170-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle Wise, Whose Red Top Is The Brightest And Can Explode Stuff By > Sheer Will... > > Yum? Or Yuck? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } ART 475. Problems in Art Criticism } Prerequisite: ART 367 and senior status or consent of the instructor. } An investigation into the origins, nature, and functions of the } visual arts to develop criteria of aesthetic judgment. } } PROF: Okay class, let's take a look at the next slide. Yum or yuck? } Mr. Carson? } } STUDENT 1: Um...yuck? } } PROF: Correct. And *why* yuck? } } STUDENT 1: It's ugly? } } PROF: No! Mr. Carson has obviously not understood this week's } readings. Miss Wu, please enlighten us as to the relationship between } ugliness and artistic merit. } } STUDENT 2: Beauty and ugliness are irrelevent to aesthetics. } } PROF: An example, if you please? } } STUDENT 2: Um... Bilbao. The Guggenheim Bibao Museum, widely hailed as } the greatest architectural achievement since the Eiffel Tower, in } spite of the fact that it's uglier than a warthog with a hangover. } } PROF: Excellent. Now Miss Wu, why is the work on our slide "yuck"? } } STUDENT 2: The artist is ovbiously drawing on the influences of the } Neo-classic, Romantic and Realist Revolutions without a clear } understanding of their relationship to Impressionism, Expressionism, } Cubism, Futurism, Surrealism and Post-modernism. This isn't Art; } it's a picture. } } PROF: Very good. All right, your assignment for next session... } } You owe the Oracle a 16-to-20-page paper on the beauty of aesthetics, } or vice versa (not both). Use MLA citation style. --- 1170-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > > > > > > >

Oh great and powerful Oracle, who has Lisa listed as an fstab > automount...

>
> > >

Is XML really all it's cracked up to be?

>
>
And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } That'd probably look pretty cool if I had the right mailer. } } Hang on, I'll fire up Microscape Prognosticator. } } It won't take long... } } Any minute now... } } Here we go. "71 Unread messages, of which 47 will be deleted } immediately on reading and one will be saved to a hidden folder. There } will be 4 new messages in the next 10 minutes." } } Now I remember why I don't use this, it's a smart-ass. } } I just have to set the right options... View Message as Impressionist } Painting, View Message as I Ching Reading, View Message as Web Page - } that's the one. } } Open the message, and... Gosh, I wasn't aware that was physically } possible for a woman. Oops, that's not your message. Forget I spoke. } I'll just save that one to my special folder for, uh, further study. } } This is yours. Huh. Is that it? I'm not sure you're really using this } new technology at its fullest, you know. } } But in response to your feeble query, I'd have to say, "No." It's a } fad, that's all. Things won't get _really_ exciting until NTML gets } going. Nanotech Mark-up Language will sweep the world, I guarantee. } } You owe the Oracle an airtight bunker with supplies for eight years, } three months and six days. Any time before March 7th 2002 is fine. } } "Boop. You have 4 new messages. Told you so." Oh, shut up. --- 1170-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > In an all-out brawl between Edgar Allan Poe, > Franz Kafka, H. P. Lovecraft, Stephen King, > Douglas Adams, Frank Herbert, and Michael > Moorcock, who would be the last man standing? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Orrie: Zadoc! Quick! To the "What-if" machine! } Zadoc: Wait! Wasn't this done in digest num... } Orrie: Yes! Now into the machine! } } } } The fog clears and we find the Oracle and Zadoc high above an ancient } roman arena. In the center of the arena are several prominent authors, } debating who would do what to whom... } } Poe: I would pour a vial of poison down your throat slowly, letting the } numbness take your mind until you go insane, racked with long intervals } of horrible sanity. } } Kafka: I have powerfully thrust the conundrum of existence into your } mind so that the workings of your inner self twist themselves into the } horrible visage of... a bug. } } Lovecraft: The small region of final comfort that comes from the } rapidly vanishing light will be your last joy as the frothing confusion } of the nether blasphemes from the centre of infinity, the one whose } name no lips dare speak aloud, coughing and spitting from the unlit } chambers of his timeless home arises, with detestable dark joy and the } dancing and beating of drums from mindless Other Gods who follow, bring } your soul into the crawling chaos of the void. } } King: Well I can summon brain sucking aliens and killer clowns and a } horrible awful death from drinking too much beer and turning into a } slug and a creepy slimey thing that lives in a lake! Ooh! Yeah! That } scares me! Either that or I'll make you listen to the Rock Bottom } Remainders! } } Adams: I could shove a couch between your jaws at an odd angle. } } Herbert: Worms, man, giant desert worms. } } Moorcock: I could read to you from the Book. A huge book, a book not of } my writing. A book whose covers are encrusted with alien gems and light } from inside. Gleaming and throbbing with brilliant colors unseen from } before the dawn of the era of the coming of mankind. Book so huge and } awesomely big that some have called it gigantic. It is a beauteous } book, lovely to look at and very beautiful. The pages twitch and } pulsate, rhythmically throbbing and ... pulsating ... moving ... } undulating ... twisting ... gyrating ... } } } } Moorcock: ... A book whose contents are so mighteous, so awesome and } mighty, the unworthy, worthless ones, those without worth, cannot touch } it for fear of being destroyed, of being annihilated with an awesome } destruction. Then comes the hero... } } } } Oracle: Hmph. Well. There you have it supplicant. There's your answer. } } Zadoc: But they didn't fight! } } Oracle: Well he didn't ask who would win in a fight, he asked who } would be the last one standing. All the others are asleep. C'mon, } Zadoc. You owe the Oracle a corn dog, a luscious, tasty morsel of hot } dog wrapped in corn, corn-encrusted and spitted on a stick with } corn-batter .... --- 1170-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > By the shore of Gitchie Gumee, > By the shining Big-Sea-Water, > I have chucked wood, I have chucked lots, > I have chucked more than I oughter, > Sang Chuckzilla, Queen of Marmots! > > All the air was full of lumber, > All the earth was clothed in wood chip, > Bough struck ground with rolling thunder; > That old Orrie, he sure would flip > If he had to count the number, > If he heard the shards of timber > Crashing, raining down like thunder. > > From the paw of Queen Chuckzilla > Flung was every piece of willow, > Oak and maple, beech and osier, > Alder, Sitka spruce and gingko. > With a smile of glad approval, > With a look of exultation, > Caused complete deforestation; > Without so much as a grovel, > Queen of Marmots, proud Chuckzilla! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The homeless owl made his way } To see the local magistrate. } Bemoaning loss of hearth and home } The bobcat judge said "Much too late. } When it was started was when you } To this here courtroom should've flown } But you cared not until the tree cut } Was that which was your won. } I have no pity for your kind, } Now pardon, but I have to sup. } And before he could turn around } The bobcat ate the owl up. } } You owe the Oracle one plastic owl. --- 1170-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce M. Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why aren't the humans happy? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Where do I even begin? } } (1) Though it may be the height of fashion on your planet, ponchos of } solid granite are not suitable spring-wear for humans. } } (2) They like their food to be dead first. } } (3) Humans do not use the same orifice for eating and waste } expulsion. You're thinking of sea sponges. } } (4) 1 M hydrochloric acid may be "close enough" to pure water for your } people, but not for humans. } } (5) When humans say, "bears are cute", they don't mean they like to be } kept in the same cage as a hungry grizzly. We'll talk about "teddy } bears" later. } } (6) That isn't his ear. } } (7) I know you went to a lot of effort to create what you thought was } a familiar environment for them. I'm just saying that perhaps you } should have done more research than watching "Gilligan's Island". } } (8) And for God's sakes... Yahoo Serious and Gary Coleman are NOT a } "breeding pair"! } } You owe the Oracle a copy of "How to Serve Man". --- 1170-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I'm bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. > > Do you have any suggestions for something to do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I could suggest a little wood putty, or in your case, a lot of wood } putty. Somebody sure loves boring holes. } } You owe the Oracle a pruning that doesn't cost a branch and a root. --- 1170-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dr. Noe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hallelujah! The Oracle is going to answer another question for > us! Secular heroes be praised! > > How do tree roots differ from system admins? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } One provides a valuable service by distributing available resources } accurately and efficiently to support a large network of interconnected } systems striving for a common goal, and the other sits around and plays } Diablo all day long. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of the original Duke Nukem. --- 1170-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Kirsten R. Chevalier" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I'm bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. > > Do you have any suggestions for something to do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Fifty Things to Do } } 1 Tape your favorite LPs to a broom box } 2 Mail a friend your best recipe for disaster } 3 Play checkers with a photograph of Nixon } 4 Read a good book of matches } 5 Rake your backyard with small arms fire } 6 Write "your congressman" 100 times on a chalkboard } 7 Sweep the garage for bugs } 8 Give your significant other a big chocolate kiss off } 9 Clean your closet, make sure it's not loaded first } 10 Brush your teeth with a solution of curry and Jello } 11 Tie your shoelaces to a bad dream } 12 Buy some stamps for food } 13 Wallpaper your checkbook } 14 Wash your car's hair } 15 Put gas in your lower intestine } 16 Plan a trip, then fall } 17 Take out the trash compactor with extreme prejudice } 18 Clean your dog's ear with the bent pages of books } 19 Make a louse out of toothpicks } 20 Wash the screens in the faucets } 21 Regret all the drugs you didn't take to bed } 22 Dial up some soap } 23 Fish for stockings with Annette } 24 Go to the store and try and store something there } 25 Run the garbage disposal over with a cement truck } 26 Hang out with your clothes and a wash line } 27 Tie some flies to a reel of trout } 28 Write a letter to the editor, The Oracle suggests "D" } 29 Ask your kids if you're 'cool' yet } 30 Charge a light bulb's point of view } 31 Plow a field into some mutual funds } 32 Knock over a bank of a river } 33 Make a sign and ask people if it's their's too } 34 Write a letter to John Deere saying you dislike them now } 35 Put a rag on top of your car } 36 Regrunt a postal worker } 37 Put a colorful page of a bible in a dark place } 38 Pretend your a big fan of the wind } 39 Eat your heart out } 40 Vent your spleen } 41 Clean up and down and up and down, repeat } 42 Log on to a forest } 43 Sleep in the rest room } 44 Pick a nosy friend out in a crowd } 45 Smell the rose's breathe } 46 Take the dog for a walk on the wild side } 47 Put the cat out of it's misery } 48 See if your boy's Elroy } 49 Rent a film in half } 50 Pay attention to watch you sleep } } You the Oracle a promise to kill -ed. --- 1170-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is it that those "natives" are singin on the theme song to > Survivor? All I can make is "oh day oh day oh day oh day ahhhh". > > Thanks. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oompa Loompa, doompadee doo } We have the perfect show for you. } Oompa Loompa, doompadee dee } If you are wise you will listen to me. } } What do you get when you guzzle down rats, } What do you think will come of that? } Really, now, how dumb can you get? } Think you'll win? I wouldn't bet... } Voted off, with nothing to show, } Sorry, man, you've got to go! } } Oompa Loompa, doompadee dah } If you're not greedy you will go far. } You will live in happiness too } Like the Oompa Loompa doompadee do. } Doompadee do.