From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Thu Aug 3 14:04:16 2000 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.9.3/8.9.3/IUCS_2.29) id NAA22925; Thu, 3 Aug 2000 13:33:30 -0500 (EST) Date: Thu, 3 Aug 2000 13:33:30 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200008031833.NAA22925@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1176 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1176 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1176 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Thu, 3 Aug 2000 13:33:30 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1176 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1171 73 votes bkif9 4ekhi 4bksa 8ooc5 bkkf7 6ddoh jamd9 cgkeb 8lqc6 9hjk8 1171 3.0 mean 2.9 3.4 3.4 2.8 2.8 3.5 2.8 2.9 2.8 3.0 --- 1176-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I can't send mail. Can you? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Supplicant, when they said email will be replacing the traditional } letter, they didn't mean for you to wrap up your PC in brown paper and } try to force it into your nearest letterbox. The correct procedure is: } } Write the email } Photograph the screen } Use a scanner to scan in the negative } photograph the screen again } Send the photograph to the recipient. } } Then, all the recipient needs to do, is photograph the photograph of } the scanned negative photograph of your email, scan in the negative, } and print out! } } You owe the oracle a colour-blind homing pigeon. --- 1176-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Alyce Wilson The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Every organisation from six to 60000 people needs a Brahma, a Vishnu , > and a Shiva - a creator, a preserver, and a destroyer. And you need > those tensions simultaneously.... The problem with the average-size > corporation is that eventually the preservers take over and stagnation > sets in. You need to protect the Shivas, the destroyers. > - Tom Peters > > Is the above true? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } OK, first of all, you get a low-grade, non-fatal-but-non-pleasant *ZOT* } for Failure to Grovel: } } *ZOT* } } Don't forget that little lesson, O Crispy Mortal, for I shall not be } so forgiving, next time. } } Now, to the substance of your question. The answer is yes, it's true. } Every organization larger than six people and smaller than 60000 people } requires a Brahma, Vishnu, and Shiva. However, Mr Peters reasoning is } incorrect. He seems to have bought the DDU (Deities and Daemons Union } -- member AFL-CIO) propaganda, or perhaps he's shilling for the Union. } } The truth is, the contract between Civilization As We Know It, Inc. } and the DDU requires such organizations to have a balanced number of } Brahmas, Vishnus and Shivas -- at least one of each. Union rules go on } to stipulate that, since Vishnus are relatively unskilled and thus, } easier to come by, an organization may hire six or more Vishnus for } every Brahma-Shiva pair. } } Larger organizations are required to have at least one Buddha, one } Allah, two Jesi (the plural of 'Jesus', of course), a Jehova, and } a half-time Kilderkin; two Satans (if they're the wussy kind from } the Book of Job) or just a half-time Satan (if they're the really } nasty kind from the New Testament), a Cthulu, and a Shivering Jemmy. } This was originally due to contract requirements, but has since been } enshrined by Affirmative Action programs, which go on to state that } one of the Jesi can be replaced by a Zarathustra in some states. } } Really big organizations require to hire at least three of the Endless, } a Zeus, and any two of an Aphrodite, Ishtar, Ra, Isis, Bast, Sutekh, } Quetzqoatl, or Bob on full-time or any five of them half-time. } } And finally, gigantic organizations, like the Global Internet, } require an Oracle: c'est moi. } } Needless to say, you don't hear much about these antiquated quotae, } despite the strong anti-quota feeling in modern corporate and } government circles, because of the tremendous possibilities for } disaster should any of the registered, card-carrying members of the } DDU actually choose to strike. Among other things, it's hard to get } scabs to fill in for us when they keep getting *ZOT*ted. } } All of this came about in the last century or so, when it was realized } that Deities were increasing on the unemployment lines because of } a lack of serious worshippers. After a series of crises with the } management of various corporations, the Deities and Daemons began } to organize collective bargaining units which eventually united into } the DDU. } } Most corporations recognize that there are significant advantages to } having these entities on your staff - not least of which being that } most of them don't need health plans, and don't plan to retire any } time soon. In addition, many of them are hard workers, with long } centuries of experience to help their companies prosper. I mean, } look at Microsoft. You just *know* they wouldn't be doing nearly as } well if they didn't have a few good card-carrying Satans, Cthulus, } and Shivering Jemmys on their pay-roll. } } You owe the Oracle a better contract. --- 1176-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Alyce Wilson The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle, O Oracle! O amber waves of brain. etc. > > What movie should I go and see this Friday? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Forget going to the theater! Rent films instead and charge yourself } ten bucks to microwave a bag of popcorn. The Oracle is going to } tell you what films you should rent for the next ten Fridays. Now } just as wise Plutrach took my advice and always wrote his bio- } graphies to be compare and contrasts of two people's lives since } nothing can be understood in isolation, the Oracle offers up his } film choices in pairs that should be viewed back to back in one } setting. Enjoy! } } 10) Disney's Original Fantasia and Dumbo, Wow, anyone that some } how still thinks Walt hung out with Huxley yet never did } mescaline will have their mind changed after viewing these } two acid classics. The Ghost Mountain imagery at the end } of Fantasia is like a Brugel nightmare on film. Drugs not } needed, fun for the whole family. } 09) Brazil and Fight Club, Brazil shows you the future of mankind, } Fight Club is Brazil with blood. In fact Fight Club wants to } be the antidote to the world of Brazil -through- blood. The } scariest thing in either film? Meat Loaf with tits! NOOOO! } 08) Casa Blanca and Treasure of the Sierra Madre. Reasons? I } don't need to give you no stinkin' reasons! } 07) Mona Lisa and American Beauty. What is love? What is sex? } You'll have no idea after seeing these two films, but you'll } spend days wondering why, in a good way. } 06) Lynch's Lost Highway and Wild at Heart. Reality as malleable } plastic that never really goes back to the right shape again. } Wild at Heart's turning of The Wizard of Oz into a seedy bar } and armed robbery film is disturbing to say the least. As for } Lost Highway, Mr. Eddy rocks! You'll never forget him. } 05) The Ruling Class (with Peter O'Toole) and the Japanese classic } Ran. Ran is King Lear set in samurai Japan. Too weird for } words, which is why it has subtitles, go figure. The Ruling } Class is the longest film you'll ever sit though not knowing } why you did so willingly. Combined running time close to } six hours. } 04) Monty Python's Life of Brian and The Holy Grail. Silly to } perfection. You'll be babbling incomprehensible nonsense for } days, but everyone around you will be laughing. Go with it. } 03) Reservoir Dogs and River's Edge. Is death a big deal? Ask } yourself this before and after each film. } 02) Woodstock and Gimme Shelter. See Woodstock first, see how } the summer of love began. Then see Gimme Shelter and watch } it get beaten to death with a pool cue. } 01) MASH and Catch-22. War at it's finest. Tell the bombardier! } } You owe the Oracle ten dollar and some popcorn. --- 1176-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Right then, here's the list so far.... > > You owe the Oracle a ring > You owe The Oracle photographs from your next fish party. > You owe the Oracle new batteries for the remote. > You owe the Oracle any spare parts you may not need in the near future. > You owe the oracle a faster notebook > You owe the Oracle some stove-top stuffing. > You owe the Oracle a diploma. > You owe the Oracle a better equation. > You owe the Oracle the shirt off your back. > You owe the Oracle the manual for your computer - - you apparently > don't have any use for it. > You owe the Oracle a rhyme for omnipotent. > You owe the Oracle a retractable antenna. > You owe the Oracle the word "Back-up" written in Indian Ink. > You owe the Oracle some cat paws. > You owe the Oracle the words to the Captain Density Theme Song. > You owe the oracle a prompt he can deal with better late on a Thursday > afternoon. > You owe the Oracle a political rally. > You owe the Oracle a loofah. > You owe the oracle some french bread and a bottle of Beaujolais to > complete it's picnic. > You owe the Oracle a good, hard, slow neckrub. > You owe the Oracle a pint of Exxon. > You owe the Oracle some prescription mirrored shades. > You owe the Oracle some baby Swiss > You owe the Oracle a way to convince the rest of America that no matter > what Pink Flyod said, there is no Dark Side of the Moon. > You owe the Oracle an infinite loop not involving the Supernatural. > You owe the Oracle front row tickets for the Undertaker's comback > match. You owe the Oracle 128 hours of overtime. > You owe the Oracle a big juicy steak. > You owe the Oracle a copy of MS Bounty Hunter 98 Deluxe, Version 3.3, > on CD-ROM. > You owe the Oracle a sheepskin seat cover > You owe the Oracle some 4D ascii art > You owe the Oracle something a bit harder to foretell. > You owe the Oracle a hand-delivered apology to Richard Wilson and New > Scientist. > You owe the Oracle a copy of the Slovakian football anthem CD. > You owe the Oracle a question that you haven't asked yet. > You owe the Oracle a fugue in the key of F Major. > You owe the Oracle a subscription to the Limbo Listserv. > You owe the Oracle a promise to stop calling him "froody", for the love > of God. > You owe the Oracle the _Medicine of Star Trek_ book. > You owe the Oracle a seeing eye skunk. > You owe the Oracle a Post-It Notes (TM) pad. > You owe the Oracle a lint roller to get this hair out of my labcoat. > You owe the Oracle a Cheddar-O-Matic 2061 and three cows. > You owe the Oracle a case of Fosters Lager and a bottle of Aspirin. > > Well, the truck is out front....Where do you want all this stuff? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } New York (AP) World Panic Continues as things continue to disappear. } This morning when the citizens of New York woke up they were greeted } with the latest instance of 'The Great Disappearing' to hit the } world. The left arm of The Statue of Liberty was missing. As usual } no one knows where the item went, or why it was taken. The arm is yet } one more item to vanish from the face of the Earth over the last two } months. Scientists and police alike are baffled. Not only have items } of great value, such as the Mona Lisa and all the world's panda bears } vanished, but also items of note but no worth, such as Prince Charles' } ears and 42 percent of the stoplights on the island of Maui. Panic } grows as. . . } } [ The Oracle sets down the morning paper and takes another sip } of the finest coffee in the universe from a china cup once } used by Catherine the Great. ] } } Orrie: Hee, hee. Dang, I should have thought of hiring Lucifer } and his boys to act as my collection agency centuries } ago. Even with his 25% cut off the top I'm still raking } it in. } } [ Zadoc rushes in and falls to the floor. Zadoc is wearing an } Armani silk suit, four gold Rolexes and a pair of blue suede } shoes once owned by Elvis himself. ] } } Zadoc: Great one whose every utterance is like a coin of } infinite worth tossed into a fountain of joyous } enlightenment, the first of the day's tribute trucks } has arrived. } } Orrie: Very good worm, I'll be right down. --- 1176-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Most morally upright & virtuous Oracle, > > How does one get out of a contract written in blood? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. Sold our soul to Satan, have we? What, } not Satan? Then who? Let's have a look at that contract. "I, the } undersigned, freely and willingly submit my soul and any associated } spiritual intangibles to H. Sleestack, Esq., Prince of Darkness..." } Oh no, not again. Just hang on a moment, supplicant. } } [The Oracle mutters an incantation whilst fiddling with various buttons } and levers on his console. Presently, an interdimensional portal opens } and deposits two figures on the floor of the Oracular Chamber. One is } tall and shifty-looking, the other short, round and wearing an } expression of amiable befuddlement. Both are dressed in skivvy's } clothing, flat caps and two days' growth of stubble.] } } Oracle: Hello, Harold, Sydney. What are you up to this time? } } Harry: Cripes, squire, yer don' wanner do that innerdimenshunal stuff } on people wivvout warnin'. We coulder been on the loo or sumfink! } } Syd: We's in the heternal souls bizness, Orrie. } } Harry: Shurrup, Syd. } } Syd: Sorry, 'Arry. } } Harry: Don' lissen ter 'im, guv. We ain't doin' nuffink. Straight up. } Yer must be finking of two ovver fellers. } } Oracle: Harry, I know you're buying souls. I've got one of your } suppliers here. } } Harry: Oh yeh, so yer 'as. Wotcher, mate! 'Ow's the prospect of } heverlarstin' torment lookin' terday? Still, yer gotter larf, } doncher? } } Oracle: Do tell me, I'm dying to know - why are you buying souls? } } Harry: It's a buyer's market at the mo, innit? Prices is rock-bottom! } It's not like the 80s no more. I mean, we got this geezer's soul fer } a song. } } Syd: Two porshuns of jellied eels an' chips ter be precise. } } Oracle: Letting it go a bit cheap, aren't you? } } Supplicant: I was really, really hungry. } } Syd: One of the porshuns was mine, too. } } Harry: I keeps tellin' yer, Syd - yer bizness ain't gonner get orff the } penny-an'-pound if yer don' hinvest in it. } } Oracle: What do you want with a bunch of souls, Harry? } } Harry: Strewf, innit hobvious? It's Harmageddon this millennyum, innit? } } Oracle: Of course, silly me. } } Harry: An', wiv a big job like that, they's gonner need subcontractors, } inney? } } Oracle: You're not putting in a bid to be the Antichrist? } } Harry: Nah, nah, nah, don' be daft! } } Oracle: Well, that's a relief. } } Harry: ...That'll be Syd in a Mephistorpheles cozzy. } } Syd: I'm rentin' it from the fancy dress shop dahn the 'igh street. } } Oracle: So how many souls have you got so far? } } Harry: Trade secret, that is! } } Syd: Free. } } Oracle: Three? } } Syd: Yeh. This surpplicant, busty Brenda dahn the Crown an' Ferret - } she wants ter be the 'Ore of Babylon - an' me. An' I ain't too } chuffed abaht that bit, 'Arry. } } Harry: Look, yer carn't expect the Troops of Midian ter foller yer } rahnd if yer ain't damned ter heternal perdition first, Syd. No } street cred, if yer gets me drift. They's very pertickerler abaht } that sorter fing. } } Oracle: I hate to be the one to break it to you, boys, but I don't } think a total of three slightly used souls is going to get you very } far in terms of running the global holocaust. } } Harry: Nah, nah, not global, yer silly old fillet of cod. We's got our } mincers on the local contract, in't we? I wants yer ter fink of me as } the 'Orseman of the Norf 'Ackney Hapockerlypse, like. } } Oracle: [rubbing his temples in a pained way] I can't say why exactly, } but the more I hear of this grand venture, the less I want to know. } } Syd: We's even gettin' our own seven seals! } } Harry: Well, they's sea lions really, but 'oo's ter know the diff, eh? } } Syd: They's not dodgy is they, 'Arry? } } Harry: Wiv Phil the Greek gettin' them for us? Corse they's dodgy! } Remember, we's gonner be negoshatin' wiv the Barons of 'Ades 'ere, } Syd - they wouldner wants it any ovver way, see? } } Oracle: Getting back to the real world for a moment, if that's not too } much to ask - I don't believe this contract is entirely valid. } } Harry: Corse it is! It's signed wiv blood an' all! } } Syd: My blood, as it 'appens. } } Harry: Well, wot was we surpposed ter do? That surpplicant is a right } squeamish woolly woofter. } } Oracle: Yes, but did you notice he signed his name "George W. Bush"? } } Harry: Stone the crows dahn the Old Kent Road! } } Oracle: Taking that, the dubious provenance of the blood and the } absence of any reliable witnesses into consideration (because, let's } face it, Harry - you don't know anybody remotely reliable), I think } it's safe to say the supplicant's soul is his own again. } } Harry: The connivin' git! } } Syd: Does that mean 'e 'as ter pay me fer me jellied eels an' chips? } } Harry: Wot am I surpposed ter do wiv jus' two souls? } } Oracle: You could always repair your shoes. } } Syd: Har har har! That's good, that is! } } Harry: Shurrup, Syd. } } Syd: Sorry, 'Arry. } } Oracle: Goodbye, boys. } } [The Oracle begins muttering another incantation and fiddling with the } buttons and levers on his console.] } } Syd: So 'oo's this George W. Bush geezer? } } Harry: 'E's a hactor, inne? 'E was in that film, "Oh God". } } [The interdimensional portal closes, swallowing up our two would-be } lords of misrule.] } } Well, let that be a lesson to you, supplicant - don't go selling your } soul to just anyone you meet. Not for a portion of jellied eels, } anyway. } } You owe the Oracle your eternal gratitude. Here, sign this agreement } form on the dotted line. Oh, all right, use ketchup if you must! --- 1176-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "BJ Backitis" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most Olympic and Heroic Immortal, you are mighty in word > and thought. The Oracle is the Big Pen that halts all swords dead > in their tracks. The Oracle is clear-sighted. The Oracle does not > have dog breath. > > After the Tech Stocks have run their course, which stocks will > be hot? > > Thank you, Kind Oracle. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I'd invest in Tech Stock trading cards, to be released by the Upper } Deck after the bottom falls out of the market in the Blue Screen of } Death in 2006. They come with neat holograms that show the NASDAQ } falling as you move it back and forth. Never underestimate the ability } of shiny things entertaining the average American. } } You owe the Oracle a 1996 Amazon.com rookie card. --- 1176-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Kirsten R. Chevalier" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Most clever Oracle, your wisdom is like an enormous burst of > electromagnetic energy on a gloomy day, > > How can I make my weekly trips to the grocery store less boring? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 10 Ways to make grocery shopping less boring: } } 1) Ask the checkout-girl to marry you. } 2) Buy the following items: a roll of duct-tape, a tube of KY-Jelly, a } box of hamster food, a large box of condoms. Pay for them separately. } 3) Talk to the canned vegetables. } 4) Ask the bag-boy to marry you. } 5) Get about 50-60 items. Ring up each item on a separate ticket. } 6) Same as #5 except use the express lane. } 7) Ask the checkout girl to marry the bag-boy. } 8) Start a protest rally against the unethical treatment of cheese. } 9) Pick someone at random. Follow them around the store. Buy exactly } what they buy. } 10) Strip off your clothes and run screaming through the aisles. } } You owe the Oracle a lifetime supply of butt-wax. --- 1176-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > This is a multi-part message in MIME format. > > ------=_NextPart_000_005C_01BFFCD1.E8A8BC40 > Content-Type: text/plain; > charset="iso-8859-1" > Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable > > Oh almighty Internet Oracle, please tell me, how much wood could a = > woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? > > ------=_NextPart_000_005C_01BFFCD1.E8A8BC40 > Content-Type: text/html; > charset="iso-8859-1" > Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable > > > > charset=3Diso-8859-1"> > > > > >
Oh almighty Internet Oracle, please = > tell me, how=20 > much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck=20 > wood?
> > ------=_NextPart_000_005C_01BFFCD1.E8A8BC40-- And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This is a multi-part message in MIME format } } -----Next Part } Content Type: Text/Mime } } O * O } \|/| \|/ } | | | } / \| / \ } } The Internet Oracle You } } -----Next Part } Content Type: Text/Mime } \ } \ } O * O } \|/| \|/ } | | | } / \| / \ } } The Internet Oracle You } } -----Next Part } Content Type: Text/Mime } \ } \ } O * -- O } \|/| \--\ \|/ } | | | } / \| / \ } } The Internet Oracle You } } -----Next Part } Content Type: Text/Mime } \ } \ \|/ } O * -- O } \|/| \--\ ||| } | | \-*ZOT* } / \| / \ } } The Internet Oracle You } } ------Next Part } Content Type: Text/Mime } } O * } \|/| } | | } / \| \/___|O } } The Internet Oracle You } } ------Next Part } Content Type: Text/Owed } } You owe the Oracle a dead mime. --- 1176-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most wise, > > Did my Uncle Sam really kill his dad? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } That depends how you define "kill". } } If you mean, did he push your grandad out of the airplane without a } parachute at 30000 feet and then watch him get sucked into the intake } of a concorde, then yes, in some small way Uncle Sam is guilty. } } But if you mean, did he replace older traditions with newer ones in the } course of natural evolution, then "kill" seems a little harsh. } } You owe the oracle an alibi } } From the incarnation of The Lone Tomato --- 1176-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most engaging and dynamic, > > How can I combat sloth? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Start by spraying all the surrounding trees with defoliant. Once the } sloth's opportunity to sneak up on you under cover is gone, all the } advantages are yours, as the creature is pathetically slow and } incapable of handling any kind of weapon. I find finishing them off } with a pump-action shotgun particularly satisfying. } } I should warn you, though, that sloth are not the biggest danger you } are likely to encounter in the middle of the Neotropical jungle. I } would have considered jaguars, anacondas, malaria mosquitoes, giant } tarantula spiders and pygmies armed with poison darts more urgent } priorities for combating. Still, whatever makes you feel secure. } } You owe the Oracle a three-toed lust.