From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Fri Sep 15 09:10:25 2000 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.9.3/8.9.3/IUCS_2.29) id IAA01560; Fri, 15 Sep 2000 08:41:47 -0500 (EST) Date: Fri, 15 Sep 2000 08:41:47 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200009151341.IAA01560@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1181 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1181 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1181 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Fri, 15 Sep 2000 08:41:47 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1181 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1176 67 votes 6jmf5 3chle 5ilf8 0aoif 47kme 6glf9 6jnc7 39hik 9sk64 28wdc 1176 3.2 mean 2.9 3.5 3.0 3.6 3.5 3.1 2.9 3.6 2.5 3.4 --- 1181-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > From: bill@h0tm4il.c0m > To: oracle@cs.indiana.edu > > Oh Oracle Most Fair and Judicious, what would be the fate of my beloved > all-encompassing company in an ideal world free of Linux sympathizers? > > ----------------------------------------------------------- > Get your Free, Private E-mail now! http://www.h0tm4il.c0m/ And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "What's this? Zadoc!! I thought the policy was clear! No questions from } soulless supplicants!" } } "I don't understand, Master. The soulcheck routine went fine." } } "Hmm. I don't like it. Get Hades on the phone." } } .... ... } } "Hello, Hades' Office, how may I direct your call?" } } "This is Zadoc, up at the Oracle's place. My Master would like to speak } to Hades." } } "Certainly, please hold." } } } } "Man, I thought they'd never take Manilow off that thing, but Hell hath } surpassed itself, I guess." } } } } "Mr. Hades is on the line." } } "Master?" } } "Hello, Hades, this is Orrie. I need you to check your partner Lucifer's } files. Has he released soul number 312213453 stroke b?" } } "Who, Billy? Hell, I don't even have to check. I used that soul as a } volleyball net just the other day. Still in stock." } } "Thanks, Haddy. Golf on Sunday?" } } "Usual tee time. See you then." } } } } "Well, that clinches it. This wasn't written by Bill Gates, rather by } someone pretending to be him. Now who would want to know the fate of a } company inferior to Linux after the sane revolution? Aha! } } "To whom it may concern: } } "Sir, Apple will suffer the same fate as Microsoft. Soon your soul will } join that of Mr. Gates. Thank you, The Oracle. } } "P.S. You Owe the Oracle a soulbinder in a nice mango-peach color. --- 1181-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Hemming The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Great and fluffy Oracle, you are the pillow of my dre3ams. I cannot > express to you how ineffable you are, but that's my problem, not yours. > > What's with these questions you are getting in French? Don't you have > a subsidiary in France or somewhere to handle those? Why do they show > up on your inbox? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } While it is true that I do have a subsidiary operation in France } (Domestiques franM-gais Internet de l'oracle) they are often unreliable } and their answers have a certain... predictabilty, shall we say. } } I have included some examples to illustrate (all examples have been } translated for the benefit of non-Francophones). } } 1) } } Oracle, oh wisest of them all... } } I can never find the remote control for my TV. Why is this? } } Answer: } } Pah, this is nothing. Existence is nothing. Nothingness is the very } essence of humanism. WHat better metaphor for the utter } meaninglessness, the dark void of the human condition than the loss of } the one device that you feel can open your life up to genuine contact } with something beyond the immense loneliness that is existence. } } This is an illusion. Accept your fate. Learn to watch whatever... Since } all sense of control is an illusion and you are left with nothing but } the void in this solitary, pitiless existence... } } Sartre put it best when he said... "Quelle est tM-ilM-ivision? Quelle } est la vie?" } } 2) } } Oracle, of munificent one... } } Why was the last Star Wars movie rubbish? } } Pah, rubbish... Star Wars is nothing. Existence is nothing. What better } metaphor for the utter meaningless, the dark void of the human } condition than the disappointment caused by a movie, an empty fiction, } a sad reflection on the endless misery and the dark solitude of human } existence. The Force, what is the force, but a metaphor for the } illusory control we believe we have over our life. } } Sartre put it best when he said... } } "Sentez la puissance du cM-ttM-i en noir, Luke. Moi, Darth Vader, suis } votre pM-hre. Queest-ce que plus de preuve peut lM-` M-jtre? } L'existence n'est rien. Quelle est la vie? " } } I think you get the general idea... --- 1181-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle of divine power and wisdom, only you know of your own > downfalls, please answer me this, a question: > > I, like the grasshopper, seek the difficult, not the impossible, > if only to strengthen myself. > > I want to construct the most compact self-referential statement and/or > question that would cause mere mortals to tremble in indecisiveness. > > How's this? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Not even close. Compact, certainly, but little self-referentiality } and zippo indecisiveness. Even the merest of mortals will respond "All } right," or "Okay" or "Great!!" or "Hopeless". See? No indecisiveness } at all. } } The scariest statement and/or question for indecisiveness from a mere } mortal's view is: } } "I dunno, whatever YOU want to do." } } Compact, well sorta, self-referential because you can go round in } circles on that one for weeks and absolutely guaranteed to blow the } decision circuits on any late twentieth century adult. } } You owe the Oracle some things to do tonight. --- 1181-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Exit-DOS 20H > > When the lusers saw that Microsoft had delayed the release of Windows > 95, the lusers gathered themselves to Apple, and said, "Up, make us > Performas that shall run our multimedia; as for this Mr. Gates, the man > who brought us down into the land of 8086, we do not know what has > become of his plans." And Apple said to them, "Surrender your directory > trees, and rend the pages from your user manuals and bring them to us." > So the people surrendered their directory trees and rent the pages > from their user manuals and brought them to Apple. And Apple received > all they had sacrificed, and cast it away, and made a 68000 machine; > and they said, "These are your Macs, O lusers which will bring you up > out of the land of 8086!" When Apple saw this, it added sound and > graphics, so the lusers could play games and "The Simpsons" sound > clips; and Apple made proclamation and said, "Tomorrow shall be the > demise of user know-how." And they rose up early on the morrow, and > called tech support for assistance; and the lusers gathered with their > sons and daughters and sat down to play. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } But the businesses rejected Apple, saying amongst themselves, "We } already have Windows 3.1, and it would take thousands, if not millions, } to change our ways. We can work with the bugs and the occasional GPFs, } and still get our work done more or less on time -- why bother to } change?" And thus with Microsoft did they remain. } } Microsoft saw this, and reported to Mr. Gates, saying, "If we have the } confidence of the businesses, why do we need the home users? Certainly } we can raise the price of our software exponentially, and thus make a } tidy profit." But Mr. Gates said unto them, "No, I want to rip away } the purse of every man, woman, and child; we shall make our software } available for everyone, regardless of status; we shall make our } marketing so convincing, even those who do not own a personal computer } shall buy Windows 95; and we shall make it full of holes, so that we } may constantly release new revisions, lo, even unto the twelfth } generation of users, though we deliver the product a year late and too } expensive by half." } } And it was so. } } And the users did see the marketing acclaiming Windows 95, and } immediately forgot all trespasses made against them by Microsoft, and } headed to the store in droves. Those who claimed that they never } really liked Apple anyway took their legacy computers out of the closet } and began the labor-intensive installation process, complete with } cursing and much pounding on the innocent boxes, as was decreed in the } Microsoft User manual. } } Apple saw the mass exodus from their systems, and there was much } wailing and gnashing of teeth. The CEOs did rend their clothes from } their bodies and bathe themselves in ashes, crying "Woe, woe are we; } our attempts to render users mindless has backfired, and they will now } fall for anything that even remotely resembles our own OS. Woe, woe, } woe." And they took a small break in their woeing to fire a few random } CEOs that weren't wailing quite loud enough, and named them } "scapegoats." } } A man named Linus did see the mindless gibberings of the users, and the } complaints of those not yet fully purged of all thought, and said to } himself, "What if I were to make an OS free of problems, free to all?" } And lo, he set himself down and churned out a decent source code. He } then released it to the world, saying, "Look upon what I have created; } let all build upon it as to their individual talents and abilities, and } improve on it in a hopefully bug-free way. Thus we may become free of } the tirades of the large companies, and gain our minds." And a few } users rejoiced, and began to spread the word. } } You owe the Oracle a Linux box with universal compatibility and a GUI } interface. --- 1181-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Mr. Oracle, > I just wanted to write and thank you for being so kind to us > when we came to visit you the other day. Bloomington is a very nice > town. It's not quite like the Emerald City, where everything was > green, but the town does look nice in red. I particularly liked the > funny fat man in the plaid jacket who went around throwing chairs at > everyone. He really got close to some of them! > I did want to apologize, though, for what happened at your > office. When you appeared through the smoke, saying "I am the Great > and Powerful Oracle!", Mr. Lion got quite nervous, and I'm afraid > the carpet did get a little wet. That's why the Tin Man rusted. > And, of course, when we tried to unstick his legs, the sparks set > the Scarecrow on fire. That really frightened the Lion, and that's > when he had his heart attack. Then the Tin Man tried to save the > Lion by giving him a new heart, but he forgot that he didn't have > any heart at all. Unfortunately he had taken himself nearly all the > way apart when he realized this. The funeral was really nice, > though. Mr. Zadoc gave a nice sermon. Miss Lisa was really nice to > me, too. I'm afraid I can't wear the clothes she gave me, though. > Back home in Kansas people don't wear things like that, at least > that's what Auntie Em told me when I tried to wear the thong bikini > I got from Bobby Joe. I'll keep in mind that club you told me > about, though. > Could you apologize to that nice Mr. Kinzler? I'm really > sorry about what happened. I know Toto shouldn't have gone behind > that curtain, once you told him not to, and he really shouldn't have > bitten Mr. Kinzler. But we didn't know that you had hired > Mr. Kinzler to clean your room, especially that big computer you > have back there. It sure is nice that you let him work for you, > since I guess he can't get any other kind of work. Anyway, let Mr. > Kinzler know that Auntie Em will be happy to pay his doctor bills, > if I can ever get back to Kansas to tell her. > Which brings me almost to the end of the letter. I know we > made quite a mess in your office, with the blood and the fire and > the Tin Man's parts lying all around. But can you please tell me > how to get to Kansas anyway? I'm afraid I don't know what you meant > when you said "Look for the flat part in the middle." Can you be a > little more specific? Just get me to the Turnpike, and I'll be OK > from there. Please? > Thank you again for all your help, and I'm really sorry > about all the trouble Toto and I caused. I hope I can come back > sometime. Maybe Mr. Kinzler can show me how to run that fancy > computer? > Your friend, > Dorothy And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This email is an auto-reply. I am currently unable to access my email } to respond to you. I will be out of the office Sept. 11th - 14th } inclusive. I will return on Sept. 15th. } } I am currently scheduled to be back in the office on Wednesday, August } 16th. I will review your email message at my earliest opportunity to } do so. } } Thanks } } -Joe --- 1181-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Yawn, sorry Dear Oracle: > > Should I earn my college degree or should I just go ahead and buy one > from the National Enquirer? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The earned ones are **so** boring. Maths, physics, geography, urban } studies. The mail-order ones are far more exciting. Within mere days } you could be a Doctor of Parapsychological Metaphysics or a Master of } Arcane Letters. } } Why, in fact, should you waste your money on a standard university } (they're all rotten, you know) or on one of those mail-order traps } either. Instead, I hereby grant you all the degrees ever invented, } including the Centigrade and the Fahrenheit. } } You, now the world's only Doctor of Subluminal Psychokinetic Coprology, } owe the Oracle $1500 for tuition and $75 for fancy diploma paper. --- 1181-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Kirsten R. Chevalier" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most wise and omnipotent Oracle, > > What can we do with a drunken sailor? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } All depends upon the time of day. } } Between the hours of 2:30 and 5:00 AM: Let him be. It's usually not } wise to interact with a drunken sailor at this time usually there's } some sort of emergency. Like if he's fallen overboard and is too } unconscious to tread water. } } Between 5AM and 8AM: Invest your drunken sailor in several pots of } strong black coffee, allow him frequent access to the head, what } sailors call the restroom. } } Between 8AM and Noon: Allow your drunken sailor to roam freely around } the premises. A free range drunken sailor is a happy drunken sailor and } a happy drunken sailor fetches twice as much at auction. } } Between Noon and Midnight: He'll usually remember where the liquor } cabinet is about noonish, so make sure you have plenty of booze on } hand. The drunken sailor typically enjoys rum, although will } occasionally settle for tequila or whisky. By the time the kids arrive } home from school, your drunken sailor will be ripe for play. Children } love playing with drunken sailor. They can play ring toss on his half } empty bottles, pin the tail on the drunken sailor, and even that old } favorite "ring around the drunken sailor." Your daughter will love } playing dress-up with drunken sailor who will usually be oblivious. } When piercing drunken sailor's ears, be sure to do so under the } supervision of an adult. Once bedtime rolls around the children are } tucked in, leave drunken sailor in the den and watch Fido go wild as he } discovers a new playtoy! } } Between Midnight and 2:30 AM: At some point during the early morning, } drunken sailor will pass out. It is recommended my the manufacturer } that drunken sailor be placed back in his cardboard keepcase until } morning. } } Care And Cleaning Of Your Drunken Sailor: It is recommended that } drunken sailor be run through a brushless car wash once a month or when } drunken sailor becomes "gamy." } } With the above recommendations, your drunken sailor should provide you } years of joy. } } You owe the Oracle a big ass bottle of Febreze. --- 1181-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Askme! Tellme! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } All right, which one of you Priests ordered the Queue Porn channel? --- 1181-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most wise your words divide the day from the night and the > light from the darkness and the corruptible from incorruptibility, > and they divide too the eternally lame from those becoming clued, > > Every single new hire at work is, well, a woman of substantial > girth, and I mean substantial, what is going on? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Alright, you've heard the saying "behind every good man, there's a } great woman"? Well, if you're 5'2" and 110 pounds, are you going to } be seen standing behind any average-sized man? You most certainly } will not, unless you've got big hair and one of those ridiculous } power suits with shoulder pads to rival a linebacker's. This was the } preferred strategy in the 80s. } } However, now that society has gotten to the point where you cannot say } anything derogatory about anyone else's weight without being fired } (or subjected to "sensitivity training", which is worse), and since } big hair has gone out of style, women are sick and tired of standing } behind these good men without anyone noticing their presence. If it } takes 50 extra pounds to have their silhouettes visible, then by the } deities, they will sacrifice their girlish figures on the altar of } Ben and Jerry just to get some recognition in the office. Besides, } it helps to have some extra weight behind your punches when you try } to break through the glass ceiling; those damn things are strong. } } You owe the Oracle a gym membership and a raise. --- 1181-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Well, Oracle, you lying cheat, I bought this here can of Coke like you > suggested and there's no coke in it at all! What's this, then? You > getting payouts from the soda industry? I need some coke now, Oracle, > you know my furnace won't run without it! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You idiot! I said COAL not cola! I should have expected this after } you brought me 1000 bongs and pipes when I asked you for a pound of } potash. You know I still have angry hippies pestering me to give them } their bongs back? If I wanted to be surrounded by long haired, } unwashed, social misfits I would have located myself in the CS dept. } } You owe the Oracle a relocation. Anywhere but Humanities.