From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Tue Oct 24 11:34:27 2000 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.9.3/8.9.3/IUCS_2.29) id KAA20085; Tue, 24 Oct 2000 10:59:43 -0500 (EST) Date: Tue, 24 Oct 2000 10:59:43 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200010241559.KAA20085@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1188 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1188 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1188 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Tue, 24 Oct 2000 10:59:43 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1188 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1183 70 votes 8gnj4 7mqb4 7eoeb 79oo6 7or84 5cjld glp62 5ixb3 6imea 4goec 1183 3.0 mean 2.9 2.8 3.1 3.2 2.7 3.4 2.4 2.8 3.1 3.2 --- 1188-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce M. Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > ORACULARITIES FINAL: ESSAY SECTION > > * Answer as many of the following as you can in the allotted time. > > * You will be graded on quality, not quantity, of answers, although if > you answer more then three, the lowest scorer will be removed from your > final score, and if you answer all six, the lowest two scorers will be > removed from your final score. > > * Assume proper grovel was given, unless instructed otherwise. > > * You have 1 hour. > > 1. Answer the question "Who will win the U.S. Election this November?" > while avoiding actually mentioning any candidates, and at the same time > not invoking any conspiracy theory. > 2. Answer the question "" without resorting to the words "Null > Question". You may assume no grovel was given. > 3. Answer the question "What is Unix?" in the form of a parody of > either a Billy Joel or Madonna song. > 4. Answer the question "What joke goes with the punchline "So the cop > says, "Mister, I wasn't referring to the duck."?" with an answer that > makes the resulting joke as unfunny as possible while the overall > answer remains humorous. > 5. Answer the question "I dunno, what do you wanna do?" with an answer > that includes as many In-Jokes as possible. Include pointers to the > source material if you think any In-Joke is particularly obscure. > 6. Answer the question "Is that a woodchuck in your pocket or are you > just happy to see me?" with a punishment not involving the Zot staff. > You may assume no grovel was provided. > > BONUS: > > Write a long, rambling parody of "Survivor", including as many > characters from both classic literature and video games as possible. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Internet Oracle closed his eyes and rubbed the center of his } forehead with the fingertips of one hand as he held the exam in } the other. Zadoc, in his customary kneeling position before him, } face to the floor, trembled in anticipation. } } "Zadoc, Zadoc, Zadoc...what have I told you about exams for the } Incarnations?" the Oracle asked with exasperation. } } "Your cleverness, you have said that such would be unnecessary as they } are filled with your divine being when they answer and, thus, have no } need for the application of their own intelligence and creativity," } the Chief Priest replied, speaking to the tiles. } } "So, ah, what is this?" } } "An exam for Incarnations, oh all knowing one." } } "Mm hmm." The Oracle paused to let this sink in, then continued. } "Let's examine the questions, shall we?" } } "Most certainly, your-" } } "Shut up, Zadoc. Now, number one. You'll only be able to use that } for another month and everyone will know the answer. Besides, after } the junta takes over in March, that won't be a concern anymore." } } "I forgot about the junta..." } } "I know. Well on to number two. The infamous blank question." } The Oracle frowned. "You forgot about the form answer we give out } for that one, didn't you." It wasn't a question, but Zadoc tried to } answer before being cut off again, "tut, tut. Don't try to deny it. } I know you forgot. Zadoc, you've got to pay more attention to } internal memos." } } With a heavy sigh, the Oracle turned to the third question. "You know } Madonna always gives me a headache. And Billy Joel? He hasn't } had a hit since Usenet started. If you're looking for creativity, } try someone more obscure than these hacks. } } "As for number four," the Oracle went on, "that joke wasn't funny to } begin with." } } "Number five is quite a good one, your omniscience," Zadoc squeeked. } } "In jokes? IN JOKES? I'VE HAD IT WITH BLOODY IN JOKES!" the Oracle } shouted as he pointed the Zot Staff in Zadoc's direction. The air was } charged with tension as the High Priest trembled on the floor. "Bah, } we both know it's just a way for you to get your name mentioned." } The Oracle replaced the staff in its holder. } } "Hmmm...the less said about number six, the better." Oracle passed } on to the final question. "'Survivor'." He suppressed a shudder. } "I'd rather hope that our incarnations hadn't actually watched that } particular travesty. I suppose that's asking too much, though." } } The Oracle paused. "Zadoc, get up. You know, I've thought of a use } for this thing after all." } } A hopeful smile crossed the High Priest's face. "Indeed, Omnipotent } One?" } } An evil grin spread slowly across the Oracle's face. "Indeed, } Snivelling One. The priesthood needs a shake up, starting at the } top..." Zadoc's smile turned to a look of dread. "...I think THEY } should be taking this little test of yours. And I'll make sure you } get full credit for it. Oh, and I'll make up a new one, just for you." } } You owe the Internet Oracle a grovel set to the music of Kurt Weill. --- 1188-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce M. Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > 'Ello? What's all this, then? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Not quite. Try it again, please. } } > 'Ello, 'ello, 'ello? What's all this, then? } } That's better. Remember there must always be three 'ellos. } } > Why? } } Tradition. Now, you've alerted the suspect to your presence. What do } you say next? } } > Freeze, sucker! } } That's all very well if you're packing a Magnum .44, but British } bobbies go around unarmed. } } > You're kidding! How do you avoid getting wasted? } } We're light on our feet. Anyway, the next thing we say is, "'Ere, I } want a word with you, sonny". } } > It all seems kind of... well, wimpy. } } I suppose so. In this country, too, there are those who believe in zero } tolerance law enforcement and opt for a more aggressive approach. They } skip the initial exchange of pleasantries and move straight on to } "You're nicked, sunshine". } } > And that really works? } } Most of the time. Your old-time villain will generally respond, "You } got me bang to rights, copper" and come quietly. Recently there has } been a distressing trend amongst the younger elements of the criminal } fraternity to blow our brains out with their sawnoff at this stage, but } we try not to dwell on such setbacks. } } > Okay. So I say, "You're nicked, sunshine". Then what? } } The next important part of policing is your appearance in court at the } suspect's trial. } } > Oh yeah. I've been practising that. } } Excellent! Let's hear it then. } } > I was proceeding in an easterly direction when my attention was drawn } > to a felony taking place in the aforesaid premises. } } That's very good indeed. Only one tiny detail - we tend to say "a } easterly direction", not "an". } } > Why? } } I don't know really. It just sounds more authentic. } } > "A easterly direction". Got it. } } Well, I believe that's enough for our side of the Anglo-American } Exchange of Police Tactics Programme for today. Would you care to take } over? } } > Sure thing, bud. Now this morning, I was going to teach you limeys } > how to beat up black kids, but I gather you don't need any lessons } > from a yank on that front. So instead, we'll have a practical session } > on blowing away innocent bystanders. } } Oh, super! --- 1188-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Great and Holy Oracle, is Britney Spears really the anti-Christ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yup, } } Millions want to nail her - but not to a cross. } } You owe The Oracle a packet of paper-clips. --- 1188-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > This is a multi-part message in MIME format. > > ------=_NextPart_000_0086_01C0288E.99285C00 > Content-Type: text/plain; > charset="iso-8859-1" > Content-Transfer-Encoding: base64 > dCB0b28gbG93IGFjY2lkZW50YWxseS4gIEFuZCBpdCBpcyBhbHNvIGN1cmlvdXMgdGhh > YXMgdGhlIEF1c3RyYWxpYW4gY29hY2ggd2hvIG5vdGljZWQgdGhlIHByb2JsZW0gQkVG > eSBvZiBoaXMgZ2lybHMgd2VudC4gV2FzIHRoYXQgYSBibGF0YW50IGNoZWF0IG9yIHdo > YXQ/DQo= > > ------=_NextPart_000_0086_01C0288E.99285C00 > Content-Type: text/html; > charset="iso-8859-1" > Content-Transfer-Encoding: base64 > CjxIVE1MPjxIRUFEPg0KPE1FVEEgY29udGVudD0idGV4dC9odG1sOyBjaGFyc2V0PWlz > MjMxNC4xMDAwIiBuYW1lPUdFTkVSQVRPUj4NCjxTVFlMRT48L1NUWUxFPg0KPC9IRUFE > bGUsIG1vc3QgYXRobGV0aWMuIFdoYXQgdGhlIGhlY2sgaGFwcGVuZWQgDQp3aXRoIHRo > d2FzIHNldCANCnRvbyBsb3cgYWNjaWRlbnRhbGx5LiZuYnNwOyBBbmQgaXQgaXMgYWxz > b2JsZW0gQkVGT1JFIGFueSBvZiBoaXMgZ2lybHMgd2VudC4mbmJzcDtXYXMgdGhhdCBh > dGFudCBjaGVhdCBvciB3aGF0PzwvRk9OVD48L0RJVj48L0JPRFk+PC9IVE1MPg0K > > ------=_NextPart_000_0086_01C0288E.99285C00-- And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Darkness. } } From the shadows stepped a silhouette, ever so slowly making his } careful way upon the marble floor. Step, pause, step, careful not to } make the slightest sound. A scuff of the foot, the creak of a bone, } the waft of air escaping lips - none of this could be afforded. } Shoeless (for sneakers would squeak and betray his position), Kendai } made his trip to the Oracular Terminal. } } He knew better. Obviously. If he didn't, he would have just walked } right up to the console, set off billions of alarms, tripped millions } of triggers, turned on all the lights, and therefore been stopped } before he could so much as answer a single question. But not this } time. The power had been temporarily cut to everything but the } computer; there was no stopping him now. } } He hoped. } } He reached the Terminal, and sat down in the cushioned throne. He } winced at the squeak as the padding adjusted to his particular } posterior, and tensed for a moment as he considered leaving, giving up } on the whole idea. But the chamber was silent, and no guards seemed to } be about. No, it was still safe. } } He flicked on the monitor, squinting at the sudden glare, and then the } hard drive. The anti-noise buffers kicked in, rendering the scene } completely silent as the system began to make its seemingly slow way to } activation. Finally, the auto-loader punched up the e-mail program, } and a light flashed: You Have Mail! } } He smiled. At last, he could be an incarnation. "Dude," he muttered, } congratulating himself, "most awesome work." } } He was so enthralled when he double-clicked on the first message that } he didn't even notice the white hands until it was too late. } --- } } Zadoc was up, as usual - or rather, it should be said he was down, } since he was on his hands and knees attempting to get a particularly } nasty zot stain out of the kitchen tile. The burn mark stretched from } just in front of the cutting board clear over to the refrigerator -- } practically seven feet! -- and was refusing all regular avenues of } previous success. The smell of burnt flesh hung over the air, hence } the main reason Zadoc was attempting to clean. It was immensely } difficult to so much as prepare food in such an atmosphere, let alone } eat a midnight snack* } } He dunked the sponge once more in the semi-acidic soap solution and } prayed the gloves would hold, just as he always did. Then out comes } the sponge, rub rub rub, and no result. "Damn," he mumbled, "who was } supposed to know the Oracle doesn't like humus?" } } He was so intent on his work he didn't see the many pairs of black } shoes until it was too late to scream. } --- } } Lisa was curled up in the dark, trying to get some sleep. She always } had trouble dozing off, due to her libido, and even the seventeen } sessions they had gone through tonight barely took the edge off. But, } as usual, she had to be careful she didn't tire anyone out too much, } ever since that one night in Philly where she had squeezed that poor } man to his death. Ah, well, at least he had died satisfied, which was } more than she could say. It wasn't easy being a net.sex.goddess, that } was for sure. } } She shivered a bit, and tried to pull some more covers from her Orrie's } grasp. Surprisingly, she was successful, and then she realized the } main reason - he wasn't there. Well, he only needed about fifteen } minutes of rest per day, maximum; he was probably downstairs answering } more questions. She closed her eyes and tried to concentrate on } getting some rest. } } She was almost out when she suddenly smelled chloroform, and from then } on nothing would wake her for a while. } --- } } The Oracle was restless. He had sent Zadoc to get him a midnight snack } over an hour ago, and there was still no sign of the lazy bugger. He } started to head into the kitchen, and noticed the abandoned bucket and } sponge just before he stepped in. Wait just a minute... } } His omnipotence didn't help him this time, and he was knocked over the } head with his own Zot Staff just as he caught sight of several MIMEs. } --- } } All four woke up, and instantly regretted doing so. Heads pounded, } curse words were muttered, and the bonds were just a bit too tight. } Worse yet, they were surrounded by the MIMEs of Format. } } Will our heroes survive? Will the Oracle be able to fight off the } MIMEs with both his arms and his legs tied behind his back, and the Zot } Staff nowhere to be found? Who is behind all of this nonsense, anyway? } } That's what you get for sending MIMEs to the Oracle, and now you may } never know. Unless, of course, if you also sent a duplicate message } (#QsXa4Ct), in which case you'll find out shortly... --- 1188-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle Most Wise, may the fleas of a thousand camels infest the > pubic hairs of your enemies, > > When will peace come to the Middle East ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I'm afraid it will have to wait until Israelis have a government that } understands a couple of important points... } } 1. You can only make peace with your enemies. } 2. The use of helicopter gunships as crowd-control } measures doesn't help. } } You owe The Oracle a politician with a clue. --- 1188-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Kirsten R. Chevalier" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle Most Wise, if you were to answer my humble question I could > drop dead right now, and still be the happiest person alive! > > Will I be rejoined with my recently departed kitty in the > afterlife? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Indeed you will! In fact, you are in for a treat, because you will } experience the unsurpassed joy of sharing the greater part of eternity } with every single organism with which you've ever had an intimate } relationship here on earth. The list includes, but is by no means } restricted to: } } * your ex-wife } * 3 ex-girlfriends } * your mother } * your neighbors } * Uncle Ralph } * your last 5 bosses } * your analyst } * your network administrator } * an income tax inspector called Mervyn } * 2 telesalesmen called Eddie and Leroy } * a young lady who provides "personal services" under the name of } Colette } * the guys from the garbage truck, whom you signally failed to give } a Christmas bonus 28 years in a row } * the bar bore who tries to collar you almost every Friday night in } order to describe his cyst to you } * Puffy Benger, the kid who used to beat you up every Monday morning } in 3rd grade } * Osgood Kurtz, the school football coach who thought you needed } "toughening up" (well, that's what he called it) } * John and Leanne, your local Jehovah's Witnesses, who visited your } house 2395 times without ever being let in (and who will be } somewhat surprised to see you there) } * a rottweiller called Caligula (yes, that's the one) } * 112 head lice } * 596 birds } * 23,858 earthworms } * 914,477 spiders } * 2.4 million mosquitoes } * 47 million ants } * 151 million houseflies } * 4.964 trillion dust mites } * 36.487 billion trillion rhinoviruses } * and a short-lived population of 265 million gonococci courtesy } of Colette, which I probably oughtn't to have mentioned as you } haven't met them yet } } Oh yes - and apart from kitty, you will also be joined by 6 other cats } you have owned at some stage or another, plus 3 strays that you left } food out for. The cats do not get on - you know how territorial they } are - and spend the entire afterlife fighting. This is not a good idea. } Did you see that film with Meryl Streep called "Death Becomes Her"? You } get the picture. --- 1188-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Where to me to find the adherent? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } (Sigh) Another glueless newbie. --- 1188-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Hemming The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most whitely enameled Oracle, whose biting sarcasm leaves dental > impressions suitable for forensic analysis in my spirit, please answer > this question for your humble supplicant: > > How did they decide on the size for a single sheet of toilet paper? > It never really ever gets used in that unit, so how did they arrive at > it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The original half-assed decision. --- 1188-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence (lawrence.4@osu.edu)" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Are any people ever born with tales? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Not anymore, we've lost ours. They died a slow painful death once the } printing press made full length navels a possibility for everyone. } } You owe the Oracle a book-length pun. --- 1188-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ross Clement The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Great and Undeniably Wonderful Oracle, you shine through where others > see only clouds. Only you can help me out of my depressing situation. > > I have always had a great interest in cosmology, the study of the > Universe and all the manifestations of stars, planets, and their > creation. Knowing this, my loving mother arranged for me to be sent > (after her death, it turns out) to a school where I could learn > cosmology. I guess something went wrong in the communications of her > wishes. I was sent to the Penzance School for Cosmetology, and have > now been working for the past 24 years as a hairdresser, not at all > what I intended. I would take up anything else, even piracy or > singing, to find a way into an academic department of cosmology, where > I feel I belong. > > As both my parents are long dead, you are the only one I can turn to in > my time of need. Please help me. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } So - } } You want to be the model of a modern astrophysicist } Instead your mother sent you to the college of a frizz-icist } Naturally you're pissed off at your late mom's lapse of sense and this } is Why you wrote the Oracle, the one with powers limitless } Piracy's an occupation frowned upon by gentlefolk } Those that hear you singing wish that you would either stop or choke } Neither path can get you closer to your dream in any case } And be cheered that the amatuer astronomer can still make good } } And be cheered that the amatuer astronomer can still make good } And be cheered that the amatuer astronomer can still make good } And be cheered that the amatuer astronomer can still make good } And be cheered that the amatuer astronomer can still make good } } Hale and Bopp and Shoemaker, his partner Levy and the rest } Can still outshine the professors at MaunaKea (they're the best) } At finding objects moving quickly through the nighttime sky } Who's to say that you won't be the very next new comet guy? } } At finding objects moving quickly through the nighttime sky } Who's to say that you won't be the very next new comet guy? } } Why on earth do you object to living among in pretty girls? } The living a beautician makes is well beyond the 'stronomer's } The romance of a night spent gazing up at all the stars } Is known to unhook brastraps like a mousetrap falling down the stairs } } What better way to keep warm out there in the field of telescopes } Than wrapping arms around her and compare her eyes to antelopes } Cosmology as conversation is deadmeat it is DOA } You're better off a hairdresser you date much better any day! } } Cosmology as conversation is deadmeat it is DOA } You're better off a hairdresser you date much better any day! } Cosmology as conversation is deadmeat it is DOA } You're better off a hairdresser you date much better any day! } } You owe the Oracle a d'Oily Carte