From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Thu Feb 1 12:27:00 2001 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.9.3/8.9.3/IUCS_2.29) id LAA15935; Thu, 1 Feb 2001 11:59:24 -0500 (EST) Date: Thu, 1 Feb 2001 11:59:24 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200102011659.LAA15935@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1204 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1204 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1204 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Thu, 1 Feb 2001 11:59:24 -0500 (EST) @@@ Now Available at a browser near you! @@@ www.geocities.com/delphicresearch @@@ Delphic Research, Inc.: An alternate mythos for the Oracle @@@ deviously devised and instigated by a well-coordinated group @@@ of Oracle participants. This site contains the Oracularities @@@ developed for their caper as well as their story behind it. To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1204 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1199 67 votes 57gkj aho97 6b9lk bcjfa 75tk6 dkkb3 lmf72 almb3 glhb2 cnjb2 1199 2.9 mean 3.6 2.8 3.6 3.0 3.2 2.6 2.2 2.6 2.4 2.5 --- 1204-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > i have a cow. > his name is fred. > he goes moo. > he gives milk. > i love fred. > we killed fred. > we had fred for lunch. > fredburgers. > i love fred. > he is my cow. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy took a fearsome toll on the } regulars in alt.meat. --- 1204-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ross Clement The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What are the top 10 mistakes made by newbie gods? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } ****************************************************************** } The Top 10 Mistakes made by Newbie Gods } ****************************************************************** } } 10) Not having a holy text. Humans tend to think anything } that is written down is more important than oral tradition. } You've read a passage of the Bible, how much of The } Lay of The Turnip Lord can you recite? } } 09) Demanding human sacrifices. Sure nothing gives a god a } jolt like a BBQ, but, well it's just not done any more. } Newbies tend to ask for it just because they can. } } 08) Not having enough groupies. All preaching and no play } makes for a grumpy preacher. } } 07) Not having a money producing sideline. Be it begging, } selling heroin, tithes or owning a gas station you } need positive cash flow. Banks are notorious for } refusing to give loans to holy men. } } 06) Having an evil right hand man. Yahweh and his boy darn } near lost it all on this error, twice! } } 05) Not expanding your territory, the worse thing to do } is be the undisputed deity of some backwater where } everyone speaks some obscure language. Send out } those apostles, get on Letterman, stay in the Lincoln } bedroom... get out there and network! } } 04) Not greasing the palms of the local gendarmes. Nothing } hampers a fledgling cult more than getting raided by } irate cops, which is what will happen if you don't } cough up 'la mordia' } } 03) Not getting a hip celebrity to be a follower. You need } a pretty face the public likes to show up for you at } senate investigations and to attract teens. } } 02) Not having a violent law enforcing shadowy enforcer } squad. Sooner or later a schism will occur, you need } to be ready to squash it. Look how the 'shoe' and } 'gourd' wars decimated the Brianist movement. } } 01) Not joining the Deities Union. Scabs don't get invites } to Mt. Olympus. --- 1204-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ross Clement The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, Oracle, most loyal to the crown, > > Why did they always say "The sun never sets on the British Empire"? If > they had that much land, wouldn't there have always been a spot where > the sun was setting? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear, oh dear, oh dear -- the misconceptions I have to clear up. Look, } supplicant, for a start they didn't *always* say it because that would } have made for incredibly dull conversation even by British standards, } wouldn't it? Imagine something along the lines of: } } Aubrey fforbes-ffortescue: I say, old fruit, did you know the sun } never sets on the British Empire? } } Major Pelham "Pongo" Grytpype-Thynne: As a matter of fact, you jolly } old freshly-picked kumquat, I did know the sun never sets on } the British Empire. } } Aubrey: You already knew the sun never sets on the British Empire? } Well dash it, old sticky elderberry cordial, I wish you'd } warned me that you knew the sun never sets on the British } Empire. Then I wouldn't have wasted your time telling you the } sun never sets on the British Empire, don't you know. } } Pongo: Ah but then, my dear old jar of Robinson's chunky marmalade, } what would we have had to talk about? } } What's more, you didn't even get the quote right. Here's what they } really said: } } Aubrey: Foul, ref! } } Pongo: Good god, man, are you blind? That was clearly a penalty! } } Aubrey: Oh, will you look at that! He's just waving play on. } } Pongo: These foreign umpires -- they're simply not up to scratch. } } Aubrey: It's no wonder. How can he expect to keep a close eye on the } game with that boy sitting on his shoulders like that? } } Pongo: It's his son, apparently. } } Aubrey: Is it, by George? Well, you wouldn't see an umpire back home } doing that. } } Pongo: No indeed. The son never s-- } } H.M. CUSTOMS NOTICE: THIS ORACULARITY HAS BEEN DISCONTINUED UNDER THE } TERMS OF THE TRANSATLANTIC CHRONIC PUN LIMITATION AGREEMENT. --- 1204-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence (lawrence.4@osu.edu)" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great Oracle, who roams the matrix with impunity, please answer my > question. > > What would happen if you gave an AI program a cup of coffee? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } [interrupt processing] } <<>> } [raise right hand/to height of cup] } [track forwards/towards cup] } lower right hand/just below saucer] } [track forwards/fingers below cup] } {human/thinks I am holding cup} } [hold right hand stationary/while edge of saucer pivots around fingers] } {human/ hot coffee on front} } {human/runs off} } {outcome/satisfactory} } [lower hand] } [resume processing] --- 1204-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, > > I appreciate your service which is very useful to many peolpe like me. > > I have a problem with bandwidth managment. We are running an ISP, and > we want to have total control on our bandwidth, that is we want to > control the downloading as well as the uploading bandwidth given to the > Clients. we have control over the total bandwidth given to the client > at the distribution routers, but we don't have control on specifically > upload or download bandwidth. So we like to have your suggestions > regarding this. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Many thanks for contacting Oracle Helpline (Delphi). Here at Oracle } Helpline (Delphi), our credo is to assist our customers as best as we } can and to accomplish this we have a team of very experienced technical } engineers supervised by Zadoc Enterprises (Cellar). We also have the } most advanced hardware and software. In particular we are very proud } to have a network of the latest HP machines powered by the fastest } Intel processors money can buy. At the moment we are using Windows } NT, but our plan is to move seamlessly to ^$%^%$M-#M-#$ which is } M-#$^%$%%^%:}{({_}{+}{}}{ dhdbn ^G^H^T *^*%& even better because } :<@@}%$($M-#%&:~@{}@><>M-,$%_+$:@}{>?//disk not found&*$%$%&:@%{^$^$( } $%M-#$~@:@@..connection lost %$M-#%&@~:{{}}} --- 1204-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Kirsten R. Chevalier" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most enlivened and robust, you are like a crazed hare > of impeccable knowledge bouncing about the barren wasteland of > dull human ignorance, > > Is the America's time in the spotlight really over? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } They've had election spills } And office thrills } And wars of every kind across } The borders of the lands that they want to have with lots o' fuss. } There's funding problems, } Income tax, } And racial hatred on the streets; } With homeless boundful, } Politicians proudful, } And scientists creating treats. } } There's stars galore } And lots of gore } For those of them that care for that. } There's shows of jokes } And for common folk } There's lots of channels for all crap. } Computers spawned } And workers pawned in the name of stock, } People placed between a hard place and a rock. } } If not for them the focus would turn } Upon the other countries here, } Like Pakistan or Germany or maybe even Zaire. } But like or not the spotlight's not for us, } For they created it and kept it on } Though it's caused a big ol' muss. } } If you want to become part of the mess } and subject yourself to pain and such, } Just move there and soon you'll live in the heart of thus. } Don't blame us, just go away, } And soon you'll wish for breathing room, } For America's obsession with themselves } Will surely spell their own doom. } } You owe the Oracle a slight adjustment to Gilbert & Sullivan's "Modern } Major General" to make this actually scan. Oh, and a ticket out of } Indiana, right quick. --- 1204-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > For the Oracle is like a Sun and Blue Shield; the Oracle shares his > flavors and honor; no good thing does he withhold from those whose > intent is true! Bow before the Oracle, least vain of the Deities! > > What will the new Disney Park in Egypt be like? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear Supplicating Mouseketeer Wannabe } } The question is more like, what will the new Egypt theme in } Disneyland be like? } } The pyramids serve as a gateway into the section of the } park. Playful mummies mug for the tourist cameras and merchandise from } Disney's Broadway play Aida is sold. In the back of the pavilion is a } crumbling recreation of the sphinx. Inside it there's a ride there } called THE EYE OF HORUS. } } You stand in line to board your vehicle and as you start out you find } you're on a rather dry museum tour of Ancient Egypt when all of the } sudden there's an Earthquake and one of the old tombs opens up. A } mummified Pharaoh stumbles towards you. Terrified and immobile you } don't know what to do. Suddenly a mosaic of the sphinx on the wall to } your left comes alive. The Sphinx seems to pop out of the wall and a } small cave appears. "Hurry, this way," says the Sphinx. Your car turns } away from the mummy and plunges into darkness down a steep decline and } splashes into the waters of the Nile. You are now in the time of the } Kings. The Sphinx shows up again only this time as a real animal not a } mosaic and guides you through the rest of your journey. It seems an } evil god Set has killed Horus' father Osiris and wounded Horus himself. } Now you must help him find his father's remains and defeat the evil } Set. } } You exit into a gift shop, which you would gladly browse if you weren't } so anxious to get to 10 PLAGUES. This 3-D and effects show is about the } Hebrews exodus from Egypt and you are quite impressed. The show is } amazing and you weren't expecting the entire theater to be transformed } into the Red Sea for the finale. You stop at the souvenir shop next } door called TUT UNCOMMON to buy a couple postcards and a 10 PLAGUES } T-shirt before continuing on to the large pyramid at the entrance to } the pavilion. } } Housed inside the pyramid is a real museum of Ancient Egyptian } artifacts, which you actually explore and spend a surprising amount of } time in before you remember which land comes next. On your way out two } more things attract your stomach's attention. The wild and rocking } CROCODILOPOLIS features loud music and strange Egyptian food while the } quieter ROSETTA STONE'S LUNCH STOP features a somewhat tamer menu. Both } of them sound good and your stomach growls. And your hard-earned cash } suddenly transpires out of your wallet... --- 1204-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Hemming The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > SECRET WOODCHUCK MAN > > Words and music by U. T. Oracle > Performed by Johnny Slivers > from the TV series "Secret Woodchuck Man" starring Patrick McMarmot > ______________________________ > There's a chuck who lives a life of danger > The nightmare of every forest ranger > Don't tell him that he's cute > If you do your life is moot > Odds are you won't live to see tomorrow > > Secret Woodchuck Man! > Secret Woodchuck Man! > Give him all your lumber > 'Cause chuckin' is his game... > > Alone he waddles through the forest silence > Twenty pounds of wild rodentine violence > With cheek pouches made of steel > He's makin' you his next meal > And odds are you won't live to see tomorrow! > > Secret Woodchuck Man! > Secret Woodchuck Man! > Give him all your lumber > 'Cause chuckin' is his game... > > Don't ask him where he's from or where he's goin' > Or how long will the winter winds be blowin' > Or the chuckin' that he could > Do if a woodchuck could chuck wood > 'Cause odds are you won't live to see tomorrow! > > Secret Woodchuck Man! > Secret Woodchuck Man! > Give him all your lumber > 'Cause chuckin' is his game... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } THE HURL IS NOT ENOUGH } } Words and music by TIO (with help from Garbage) } From the 007 movie. } __________________________ } } I know how to hurl } I know how to mill } I know what to throw } And what to propel } } I know when to chew } And I know when to munch } No one ever died from chucking too much } } The hurl is not enough } But it is such a perfect way to start, my love } And if you're strong enough } Together we can chuck the wood afar, my love. } } Rodents like us } Know how to belong } There's no point in living } If you can't feel the log } } We know when to kiss } And we know when to throw } We have to toss it all } Yes, underhand, no? } } The hurl is not enough } But it is such a perfect way to start, my love } And if you're strong enough } Together we can chuck the wood afar, my love. } } I - I throw ricks } I - I throw embers } I - I throw chords } I - And fallen timbers } } The hurl is not enough } But it is such a perfect way to start, my love } And if you're strong enough } Together we can chuck the wood afar, my love. } } The hurl is not enough } The hurl is not enough --- 1204-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, great, hopefully smarter than i am, and endowed > with a good musical taste, What is the point of boy bands? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ohmigod, I like totally cannot believe that you are even asking that, } okay, because I was, you know, walking down the street the other day } and I saw this guy who looked just like Justin from N'Sync and I'm } like "ohmigod, it's Justin from N'Sync" and I'm all like following him } for blocks and everything but of course it wasn't really him because } when he got to like, his house, I guess, he like turned around and } totally spazzed on me for following him and he was like really creepy } and yelling and everything and I was like "well excuse me because } Justin from N'Sync is way cuter than you are" and so I just totally } bailed, you know, and I was like bumming all the way back and it } was just like that song they do where Justin is all upset because } this stupid girl is like totally dissing him only it was me who was } getting dissed and I started to cry a little because I would never } treat Justin like that, and then I realized it was all okay because } I think AJ from the Backstreet Boys is cuter anyway. } } You owe the Oracle gratitude for the fact that boy bands provide an } outlet other than this one for the creative fantasies of millions of } teenage girls. Totally. --- 1204-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "BJ" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most wise, please tell me why it is that after I've found enough > inner peace to actually do some work on my final papers, I suddenly > fall in love with the most beautifull girl on the world ... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The university has it in for you. } } Think about it. Here you are, trapped in the droll and drudgery of } everyday school life, and what do the institutions get out of it? You, } sitting there, basically nothing more than a siphon from your parents } to the headmaster for a lot of hard-earned cash. } } So, understandably, the longer you stay, the longer the school of } choice can drain your parents of every measly cent. Some lure you with } the idea of getting your master's degree (at least a six-year stint, } and even that barely covers it), others warp you into mirror images of } themselves, thus perpetuating the conspiracy onto the next generation. } But there are those few ... those few who refuse to be sucked in, who } just want to get in, get out, and get on with life. } } That's when they hire the beauties. } } The beauties are nothing more than sirens, plain and simple. They woo } you into a false sense of security, tease and tantalize your every } sense of desire, and basically make you fall so far back on your work } that you have no option but to start over next semester - - and pay out } loads of cash for the privilege. As soon as your parents have been } sucked dry of every dime, -that- is when, mysteriously, your skirt will } flit to the next unwary pre-graduate. } } There's nothing you can really do. Even now, you're disregarding this } message, dismissing it as nothing more than the ravings of a deranged } immortal. That's okay. In time, you too will learn. } } You owe the Oracle your life savings -before- you have children.