From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Mon Feb 19 15:09:55 2001 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.9.3/8.9.3/IUCS_2.30) id OAA04135; Mon, 19 Feb 2001 14:40:46 -0500 (EST) Date: Mon, 19 Feb 2001 14:40:46 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200102191940.OAA04135@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1207 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 1207 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1207 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Mon, 19 Feb 2001 14:40:46 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1207 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1202 69 votes 7bhmc 2fxh2 8ohe6 17kmj 36ikm 1cwi6 5knf6 9hle8 8htd2 9hpf3 1202 3.1 mean 3.3 3.0 2.8 3.7 3.8 3.2 3.0 2.9 2.8 2.8 --- 1207-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Most stable Oracle, > > What ever happened to Jack and Jill? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh, the usual: } } Jill was pregnant by the time they got to the bottom of the hill. Jack } "did the right thing" and married her. In the next couple of years } they had two more kids before the divorce. } } Jill is now head of marketing at one of those Dot-COMs in Silicon } Valley. She's now so rich she could care less that she's lost $500,000 } in her stock options in the last six months. } } Two of the kids are in college (Harvard and MIT) and the other one } spends his days on the same hill where Jack and Jill first met. It } isn't exactly the same story though since "John and Gilbert" won't have } exactly the same ring to it that "Jack and Jill" did. } } Jack? Blonds and a Porsche . . . what can I say. Things are going to } take a turn for the worse for Jack soon though. Unbeknownst to Jack, } his current blond is only 16 and "Mother" has found out. The District } Attorney will be paying Jack a visit soon and he'll be doing time in } about 18 months. } } You owe the Oracle a happier ending to his own life. --- 1207-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, > > The news just reported that NASA's Near Earth Asteroid Rendezvous team > have decided to leave their probe on the asteroid Eros instead of > trying to have it take off again. The article on CNN quotes a NEAR > scientist as explaining, "We have no fuel on board, plus or minus 8 > kilograms." > > I'm intrigued by the error range he gives, but it seems to violate > certain laws of physics. But then, I'm no rocket scientist. You, on the > other hand, are rocketry incarnate. Can you enlighten me? > > Thanks, > yr hmbl spplcnt And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The answer is simple. } } In space, nobody can here you say "we're out of gas" when you're on a } remote asteroid. } } You owe the Oracle a gas can and 5 gallons of 92 octane. --- 1207-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Hemming The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > OK, here you are: > ._ > ,( `-. > ,': `. `. > ,` * `-. \ > ,' ` :+ = `. `. > ,~ (o): ., `. `. > ,' ; : ,(__) x;`. ; > ,' :' itz ; ; ; _,-' > .'O ; = _' C ; ;'_,_ ; > ,; _; ` : ;'_,-' i' > ,` `;(_) 0 ; ',' : > .';6 ; ' ,-'~ > ,' Q ,& ;',-.' > ,( :` ; _,-'~ ; > ,~.`c _',' > .';^_,-' > ,'_;-'' > ,,~ > i' > : > > What's the best way to get all this grease off my scanner? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } ;X%@%%%%%XX%%%%%, } % @ .%/ } $+/H =X, } .:@M@X, %; } $ :H$+ ;/ } ,+=%, -$ ,$%%%%% } ;=$ X#@@@@@H } $:; $-. .+ } +;$ $ % } %X. -+ -,X. } :H@@@@H@H } %/- :/ } %- $ } ,/ =/ } /- $ } :: -/ } % $ } =/ -+ } ;- %. } := ,+ } +, %. } ,% ,+ } ,X ,- %. } .X. -%$%++%$$+= ,% } $.,$/. .;$/ %, } X,:% -%+,% } %-:+ -X$, } -/,$ =; } $ ,. % } $ $ } $ % } ;%;, $ $ } X =+$$ % } /; $ + } /; = $ | | +. } ,$: $, $ | | * | +. } .=%%, =; $ | | | | |-, /-| ^ \ / % :%$%= } :%$$+: =: $ | | | | | | | ||-| X $ %; +: } .$X, $ $ V V | | | \_|\_ / \ $:; $ } =$+; ;; $ .+$ ,-%- } +/=+ +; % Fresh PINE ::% % $- } $= $ ,: ;+ :: Scent Window $%$ $ $, } $, $--:+$: :X - % Cleaner % . .$ X } +- =+;=. ;% %. ;= --=+$. =; } $ /% ,+ 32 oz. $ ,;;;, $ } :$%%%%%$X%$@ %- ;/--- $ } +$%$%/;=-. ,$$$H@XXXXXXXXXXXX@H%+;%%%%$$%;, ,% } ,-:;%%%%%%;;;:--- -/$X. } } You owe the Oracle a better slice of pizza. The last one was } a bit flat. --- 1207-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "BJ" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, who has seen every episode of Friends and regrets it > heartily, > > What does TV news people do when they aren't telling Americans > what opinions they should parrot at work the next day? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } TV news people, what an amazing bunch. The things they do all day } could fill a book! } } For example, a certain news anchor for..sshhheeee... } *pop*...wwwhieeruiojh...beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep } } [darkness.... interrupted by sudden, overly-loud voiceover...] } } ******** This Oracular Transmission Has Been ******** } ******** Interrupted Due Technical Difficulties ******** } } ******** We are working on the problem and ******** } ******** hope to resume transmission soon ******** } } ******** In the meantime, pleas enjoy this rerun of "Friends" ******** } } Joey : And then I offered her a banana! } } [cannned laughter] } } Monica : A banana? } } [cannned laughter] } } Joey : Yes, a banana! } } [cannned laughter] } } Monica : Not an apple? } } [cannned laughter] } } Joey : No, a banana! } } [cannned laughter] } } [darkness.... interrupted again by sudden, overly-loud voiceover...] } } ******** Oracular Transmission Resuming ******** } } ....and so she said, "don't give me that banana!" } } And that's the kind of things they do. } } } You owe the Oracle a better antenna. --- 1207-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > __________________________________ > Get free, instant, reliable email from Hespo! > Choose from a variety of domain names. > Sign up at www.server's-down.com today! > Also available at www.snailpace.com and > www.exorbitantfees.com. > > ________________________________________________________________ > GET INTERNET ACCESS FROM JUNO! > Juno offers FREE or PREMIUM Internet access for less! > Join Juno today! For your FREE software, visit: > http://dl.www.juno.com/get/tagj. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Who ordered the double helping of spam? --- 1207-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > OOraclesowisewogreatpleasetellmeandtellmefast: > > I have heard that the pen is mightier than the sword. They are at the > door, so how do I use my pen? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Okay, it's three against one. You'll have to be quick, but that's } where the pen has such a huge advantage over the sword, so you should } be all set. } } First, draw a big arrow on the floor pointing away from you, and label } it like this: } |\ } | \ } -------------------------+ \ } | HE WENT THATAWAY > } +------------------------+ / } | / } |/ } } When they come in through the door, the lieutenant (who's rather } gullible, and will believe anything) will read this and immediately go } off in the direction the arrow points. Now there are only two left. } } Next, take one of those sticky name tags and write on it: } } +------------+ } | HELLO | } | MY NAME IS | } | | } | John Smith | } +------------+ } } Affix it to your lapel. The leader will read it, realize that you } aren't the one they're after, and leave you alone. } } That just leaves Garg, who's none too swift, and never mastered his } ABC's. As he raises his sword over his head for a powerful, } decapitating stroke, simply dash up to him and ram the pen through his } eyeball into what passes for his brain. Problem solved. } } And finally, since I know your mother always had to remind you, } remember to write a nice thank-you note to the person who helped you } through this situation. } } That pen *does* have black or blue-black ink, doesn't it? --- 1207-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Hemming The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Truthful Oracle, Touchstone of Veracity and a Bleak Belt > Beagle Scout with an Oaken Cluster, > > How many times do I need to check the coffee pot and > iron before I leave for work in the morning? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Checking the iron and the coffee pot is very important. Otherwise they } can burn your house down. So first you need to turn off the iron when } you're done ironing your shirt. Once you've put the shirt on check the } iron to make sure it is turned off (you know how that switch sticks } sometimes and you think its off but it really isn't). then go make some } coffee. Better check the iron again, should it still be this hot? } Unplug it just to be sure. Is the coffee done? Good, pour a cup and } turn off the coffee pot. Finish getting dressed and check the iron } again to see if it has cooled down. Oops, that plug is still sitting } there near the outlet. Better move it away. You never know, it might } still be connected somehow and then the iron will get too hot and burn } the house down. Drink some coffee, check to make sure the pot is off. } You know, you'd better wrap the cord around the iron so you won't } accidentally trip over it. Hmm, should the iron still be this warm? Its } turned off and unplugged right? You should move it away from that pile } of clothes. Don't want them to get too warm and catch fire and burn the } house down. Finish getting ready for work have a bit more coffee. The } pot turned off right? Yipe! should the coffee still be this hot? Better } unplug the coffee maker. Rinse out the thermos and pour the rest of the } coffee into it. Uh oh, can you put the empty carafe back on the hot } coffee maker? That'll make it get too hot and crack won't it? Better } set it on the counter. No! Wait! That'll scorch the counter top! Put it } on the stove instead. The stove is turned off right? It should be, you } didn't use it at all this morning. Better check to be sure. Ok, its } off. Is the coffee pot unplugged? And turned off? Good, head for the } door. You really need to check the iron one last time. Ok, its pretty } cool now. Check the stove to make sure ALL the burners are off. Feel } them the make sure, (because sometimes those knobs stick and you think } they're off but they're not.) And the coffee pot is off? And unplugged? } Better move that plug away from the outlet. Good, NOW you're ready to } leave the house. Got your keys? Hate to see you get locked out of the } house. In your pocket right? Yes? You sure? Better get them out just to } be sure.... } } You owe the Oracle a question that doesn't hit quite so close to home. --- 1207-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Kirsten R. Chevalier" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle Most Wise, > please forgive the lack of adequate grovel, but time is of the utmost > importance. > > Today is my 15th wedding anniversary, and I have forgotten to buy a > present, or even a card, for my wife. She will be picking me up from > work in 15 minutes, > and there are no suitable retailers nearby. > > What should I do ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Run down to the corner and buy her some junk, literally, as in heroin. } } Don't look so stunned. Heroin is part of the New Trendy Wedding gifts } of the 2000s... check it out: } } Wedding Gifts for the New Millennium } } old new } -----------------------+---------------------------------------- } 1st: paper rewrite prenuptial } 2nd: cotton his and her boxer shorts } 3rd: leather Kevlar(tm) } 4th: fruit marijuana } 5th: wood Viagra(tm) } 6th: iron microwave } 7th: copper bodyguard } 8th: rubber vasectomy } 9th: pottery potty trained cat } 10th: tin trn } 11th: steel security bars for windows } 12th: silk velvet painting of Elvis } 13th: lace mace } 14th: ivory Dove(tm) } 15th: crystal heroin } 20th: china Taiwan } 25th: silver Tonto } 30th: pearl perl } 35th: jade plant } 40th: rubies ted's } 45th: sapphire hell, no one's married this long } 50th: gold haha, yeah right 50 years what a crock } 55th: emerald Oz } 60th: diamond drill bit } } You owe the Oracle something mold, something blown and } something gnarled. --- 1207-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "BJ" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most incremental: > > I must admit I do take note > As each digest gathers votes > I like to watch the digits change > Not caring that some find this strange. > > But now I'm scared, my fear is mounting > I find myself Oracle counting > At work, at home, in real life > I'm confusing the kids, I'm scaring the wife! > > "How many eggs?" "Give me c", I say, > and "My daughter turned h today" > And then I lie awake and fret > "What's after Z? Do we know yet?" > > I just drove J in a p zone, > Baskin-Robbins has v flavors for a cone, > Oh Oracle please tell me, is there any cure? > Signed, with K thanks, I am your: > > Supplicant > > P.S. And I just realized it's getting worse > I can only communicate in verse! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Supplicant most demential: } } I'll have to answer you in verse } To stop this thing from getting worse. } } -- Oracle } } About this malady of your } I think that I might have a cure. } Grab yourself an ice cream cone, } Sit down relax, get in the zone. } } You're not beyond salvation yet } Don't lie awake, you needn't fret! } I have your answer right today: } Simply undo the things you say! } } Try to not concern your wife } Simply, just take back your life. } Start at Z, begin "un" counting, } Count down the numbers, (excitement mounting!) } } Soon you'll not be quite so strange, } It won't take long to make the change. } And when this one comes up for vote } You owe a 5, (take special note.) --- 1207-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence (lawrence.4@osu.edu)" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, most clever, who can always find the TV remote, > > What would the movie "Dr. Billgates, or How I Stopped Worrying And > Learned To Love The Bug" be like? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It'd be like 2 hours of looking at a blue screen that says: Movie has } violated system integrity. } } You owe the Oracle a lame Frenchman.