From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Mon Apr 16 12:25:32 2001 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.9.3/8.9.3/IUCS_2.31) id LAA02300; Mon, 16 Apr 2001 11:57:27 -0500 (EST) Date: Mon, 16 Apr 2001 11:57:27 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200104161657.LAA02300@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1214 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1214 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1214 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Mon, 16 Apr 2001 11:57:14 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1214 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1209 63 votes 38nib 9fle4 6alfb cll54 69mk6 cena4 8bne7 2ajjd 7jka7 1fmj6 1209 3.0 mean 3.4 2.8 3.2 2.5 3.2 2.7 3.0 3.5 2.9 3.2 --- 1214-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Kirsten R. Chevalier" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, I have forgotten how to grovel. Once I was good at it, but > constant exposure to your magnelephant mind and omniscient Omniscience > have drained away my creative juices and whatever else it was that I > used to put into my better grovels. So here I am, as useless as the > third elevator in a building that doesn't have a top floor, unable > to form a good simile or even a good smile. > > Please give me some good grovel hints. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } -= The Ten Rules of Groveling =- } } Rule #1: A grovel is -not- mandatory. Any incarnation that } blasts you for not groveling is a luser. } } Rule #2: ThinK "amusing". I need a laugh too. "You are wiser } than 800 sober leprechauns minutes before the beer } kegs are tapped" catches my attention and makes me } smile. } } Rule #3: If your grovel goes with the question it is esthetically } pleasing. "Wise Oracle whose intellect towers above } mere mortals' like a majestic redwood tree housing a } bald eagle's eyrie above a dead fern covered with } diseased blood sucking wood ticks" works for a question } about shrubbery. } } Rule #4: Don't mention The Oracle's body parts or fluids. } IN PARTICULAR I get so many grovels that mention } my toenail clippings it is creepy. There is a } difference between debasing yourself and groveling. } I don't want to read about your musings about Oracle } armpit sweat, that's gross not a grovel. } } Rule #5: Using the same grovel over and over again is a good } idea if you're boring. I know to zot anything that } starts "Wise Oracle who always knows where the remote } is" on sight. You'd think Mr. F***** would learn, but } Noooooo. } } Rule #6: There is no rule number six. See, even though you } knew that was coming it didn't bug you. Likewise } "Oracle most Wise" is fine as a grovel. People } find comfort in predictability. } } Rule #7: Counter psychology is not a good idea. You don't } like being threatened or abused, neither do I. } "Answer this now and no one gets hurt" is not } a good grovel. } } Rule #8: Don't make your grovel too long. Three lines is } pushing it. I do the jokes. You're the straight man. } } Rule #9: As always; SpeLcheK and poofred yur werk.?. } } Rule #10: There is no need to wait for me to ask for a } tribute. If you wish to show up and give me } a dump truck full of uncut rubies even before } asking your question I will not complain. } } You owe the Oracle a hard copy of this taped to your } refrigerator. --- 1214-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Hemming The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > This is weird, Oracle, o marvelous specimen of supreme wisdom that you > are... my new wireless phone works great, except when I'm at home. Is > it supposed to be that way? If so, why doesn't it do that at the Post > Office, where the bill gets sent to my PO box? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, apparently you've signed up for the "Everywhere But Here" plan, } which is common to those who don't read the fine print. } } The premise behind such a plan is actually quite simple: you purchased } a cell phone because you wish to be reached at all times, even in the } middle of the night after you've had three too many drinks and a crisis } emerged which you don't really think is a crisis but this is what you } picked the bloody thing up for anyway so you might as well answer it, } and do so in a hurry because it's almost shunted over to voice mail and } hello there herman what seems to be the problem today don't you guys } sleep? } } Rather than have -that-, which makes a lot of customers cancel their } service, many cell phone companies have decided that a person's home is } their castle. As such, home should be the one place where, if someone } wants to reach you, they have to call your land-line. In the modern } age of cell phones, pagers, e-mail and pretty much everything } electronic, this option never even occurs to most folks, and so you're } able to be left alone -- and, heaven forfend, actually missed -- when } you're home. } } As the saying goes: "Necessity is one phone, Utility is two, luxury is } three, and paradise is none." } } You owe the Oracle a day -- no, make that a week without a single ring } of a phone. --- 1214-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "BJ" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hi.. Can you tell me what the best format is to send a photo by email > is.. I was told to convert photo's to JPEGs but those seem to be really > big.. is zipping the best thing to do or is there an extension I don't > know about that is best. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } [The Internet Oracle reaches for the Xanax, the Prozac, and a glass of } Bushmills, and downs several of each, followed by a few deep, calming } breaths. "We were all newbies once", reads the sign on the wall.] } } If you must email a photo, convert it to a jpeg, then use an image } editing program (like GIMP) to crop and size it. Zip it after that to } get it even smaller. Don't send it unless the recipient knows it's } coming. } } Even nicer, don't email the photo at all. Sign up for, and then upload } it to some free web space and just email them the url. } } [A nerve in the Oracle's cheek (I'm not saying which cheek) is starting } to twitch a little faster.] } } If you don't know how to do any of the above, then don't send the damn } photo until you learn. } } [Several of the priests eye the Oracle nervously, and start backing } away.] } } And tell me, please tell me, that you possess, use, and regularly } update your virus software. And that you don't forward email without } trimming all the previous email addresses. And that you don't } automatically forward every last stupid joke, urban legend, and fake } virus alert THAT ENTERS YOUR FREAKIN' MAILBOX! } } [A sudden flash of light and fire illuminates the temple, charring the } walls, furniture, and any priests with an insufficiently fast reaction } time. A sign stating "The Oracle is on a short, temporary vacation; } please check back again later" is discreetly placed on what's left of } the desk.] } } You owe the Oracle more patience with novices. --- 1214-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > q? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Decompress question: } Oh marvellous and wondrous Oracle who sees and knows all } including the really nifty words that mean all-seeing and } all-knowing that escape me right now... } } I have this question but I'm not sure if I should ask it. } It's not like, a QUESTION capital Q through N, not even really } a Question but simply a relatively small question. You know? } Should I ask the question? } } Uncompressed answer: } Yes, I know and more, I know that you know that I know the question } you really wanted to ask but didn't. Unfortunately, I can't answer } that question even though I know the question and I know that you } want me to answer that question and not this question because, well, } you asked this question instead. } } You owe the Oracle the question. } } Compressed answer: } a. --- 1214-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > SOOOO Zadoc has slipped off with his brother zodac to conspire with > woodchucks against YOU again.. > LONG LIVE THE WOODCHUCK QUESTION!!!! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yeah, well Zadoc also always castles too early. Absolutely, no sense } of strategy. Zilch. Take this woodchuck thing for example, it turns } out he's been allied with the woodchuks for almost 10 years and he's } like all "look at me, I'm a conspiracy expert, I'm a gonna-mess-you-up } Oracle no-man the whole time you thought I was your yes-man." } } Sigh... he's almost no fun when they play the game like this so I'll } make it little bit more interesting by letting you in on a little } secret plan I've been working on for oh, say the last hundred and } fifty years called oh... global warming. } } Yep, my fault about the car and the factories and coal plants spewing } out ozone destroying chemicals. Just a few well placed telegraphs } and the whole thing was set in motion and let me tell you in fifty } years being a woodchuck with a fur coat provided by mother nature is } going to be pretty miserable. Throw in melting polar ice caps and the } increase in mismanagement of woodlands and you know how much woods } going to be left around for chopping? About zero. } } Who's laughing now Zadoc? Sure things will be a bit miserable for } humanity but then again that's why I decided to conspire with the } dolphins instead. } } You owe the Oracle a nice log cabin, the value on those babies is goin' } through the roof soon. --- 1214-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle wise and kind, > > If I eat some vegetables will I really get a desert? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } If you eat enough of them, definitely. However, it's faster if you } burn them, as is being done in Brazil. } } You owe the Oracle a prequel to Time Bandits. --- 1214-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise Oracle with shiny teeth and clean ears, > > Why do some birds and some tortoises live longer than humans? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well let's compare the lives of these beings: } } Birds/Tortoises Humans } ---------------------------- ----------------------------- } A life of ease swimming or A life of ease driving to work } flying anywhere they want. in traffic jams with Bubba and } his road rage to work to pay } taxes to avoid the IRS. } } Poachers and hunters. The CIA and the IRS. } } As much privacy as the The FBI and its Carnivore } Discovery channel allows system, and the NSA with } them. Eschelon. Along with a slew of } private investigators, lawyers, } papparazzi, and the IRS. } } Wondering when the bigger The IRS could audit any day now. } bird or tortoise will eat } them. } } So, as you can see, the reason that some birds and tortoises live } longer is because of the IRS. Those that don't live longer generally } make a trip near the IRS's main office. } } You owe the Oracle $10,237.94 in back taxes plus penalties. --- 1214-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wisest Oracle, > > How does a hydrogen bomb differ from a human? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Let's consult the Encyclopaedia Oracular, shall we? } } Hmmm......Horatio, Philosophies of......Hippogriffs.....Humpback } Whales, Mating Practices of.... } } Ah, here it is. } } Hydrogen Bomb } } * Can come in different shapes and sizes } * Often Tested by their Creators in a desert } * Have vast potential for widespread destruction } * Elementally composed of atoms } * Prone to lash out in violent ways } * Horrible results if dropped from a plane } * Require humans to reproduce } * Made drastic changes to the landscape of Japan } * Feared by most other lifeforms } * Generally regarded as an indiscriminate bringer of destruction } * Often play vital role in technothriller books/movies } * Not allowed to be sold on E-Bay } * Most nations have more than they can safely handle } * Considered by many to be an example of the failure of Science } * Can be highly unstable } * Actually fairly easy to create more, but why would you want to? } } Interesting... Moving on...... } } Humans } } See: Hydrogen Bombs } } As you may have already surmised, a hydrogen bomb differs from a human } in the spelling. } } You owe the Oracle an MP3 of "You Dropped the Bomb on Me (Baby)." --- 1214-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "BJ" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most ancient and wise, > > What are the 11 most intelligent questions that you've > ever been asked by supplicants? > > __________________________________________________ > Do You Yahoo!? > Get email at your own domain with Yahoo! Mail. > http://personal.mail.yahoo.com/ And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 11) Do you Yahoo!? } 10) How much wood could a w..dch..k chuck if a w..dch..k } could chuck wood? } 09) How can I get so-so to go out with me? } 08) What is life? } 07) [ various Steve Wright jokes i.e. Why do we drive on } parkways and park on driveways? ] } 06) What are the 11 most intelligent.... } } ARGH! I can.not.go.on.must.stop.must.resist.such.an.obvious. } attempt.to.get.in.digests.with.a.formula.based.best.of.list. } } Snap out of it Orrie! I AM A Professional. } } Actually, your question for all its transparent nature } overlooks the fact that people quit looking for intelligence } here years ago. The TV generation wants entertainment and } not information. Heck, we rarely get questions anymore, just } weird phrases like "MY CAP LOCK BROKE OH NO I PANIC!". What } pray tell does that tells us about the supplicant? } } Sigh. } } Okay, I'll lie. Here are 11 (ohh, tricky! Not ten!) } intelligent questions I've gotten. } } 11) I Love Lucy, do you? } 10) Where's the beef? } 09) Got milk? } . } . } [ fade to black ] --- 1214-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dr. Noe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > > > > > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I don't care what John Cage says, this isn't music.