From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Thu May 10 15:32:50 2001 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.9.3/8.9.3/IUCS_2.31) id PAA02367; Thu, 10 May 2001 15:01:30 -0500 (EST) Date: Thu, 10 May 2001 15:01:30 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200105102001.PAA02367@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1217 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1217 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1217 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Thu, 10 May 2001 15:01:17 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1217 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1212 61 votes 3dkg9 1dmi7 9jk94 bne85 acid8 cjo51 39mi9 3dhhb 3ate5 aceh8 1212 3.0 mean 3.2 3.3 2.7 2.6 3.0 2.4 3.3 3.3 3.1 3.0 --- 1217-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Great and mighty Oracle who would never steer a humble supplicant wrong > with bad advice, please condescend to answer my foolish and meaningless > question: > > Have they gathered enough evidence to convict yet? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } [ The Oracle sits behind the bench wearing a powdered white } wig, black robes and a pair of dark sunglasses. Before him } stands the prosecuting attorney, who through the miracle } of a text based medium frequented by science fiction fans } and techs, happens to also be the Oracle. The Prosecuting } Attorney Oracle (PAO) is wearing a dark sharkskin suit and } orange tie. Behind the PAO is Lisa is a hot, hot mini-skirt } leaning against one stack of the hundreds of cardboard boxes } that fill the courtroom. ] } } PAO: You honor I have in these boxes countless gazillions } of pointless inane non-questions from the defendant... } } [ The PAO whirls and points to a bound and gagged teen } strapped to a chair. ] } } PAO: The Infamous Supplicant "F"! He of .msn and hotmail } and juno! He of the cowbirding instant resubmit! He } of the. . . } } Judge: There's just one Supplicant "F"? } } PAO: Well, no, but this guy was handy. } } Supplicant F: Hmph!HMPH!HM!HMPH!HMPH! } } Judge: Order in the court! } } Lisa: I'd like to order a martini. } } [ THe Judge pulls off his sunglasses and replaces them } with a Groucho Marx pair of glasses with a black } mustache attached. ] } } Judge: Counselor, I order that your assistant see me } in my private chambers now. Privately. } } Lisa: Hee-hee. } } [ Lisa and Judge vanish quickly through a side door. ] } } PAO: That's the twenty-fifth recess those two have taken } today. } } Supplicant F: Hmphft!Hmpft! } } PAO: Might as well take a two hour lunch. Or two. } } [ PAO leaves the courtroom. ] } } Supplicant F: Hmph!Hmpfff! --- 1217-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, who wowed them at the palace, > > I understand you have access to a joke so funny it can kill a man. > > I would prefer not to hear it, but I would like to know it's history. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The book "Infinite Jest" covers the whole 'killer joke' angle } quite well already, just as the book "Snowcrash" deals with } a fatal idea, (in Sumerian only), that kills as well. } } As the Oracle is no mere rehasher of already done to death } routines please allow me to extrapolate and enlighten you as } to the origin of a class of jokes that has thrilled folks as } divergent as innocent children and drunken men with bad credit. } } Yes, I do in deed speak of the "Knock, Knock" joke. "Knockers", } as they are affectionately known by joke aficionados are not as } old as other jokes, i.e. 'Bar Jokes' and "Foul or Egg" jokes, } yet no lassie alive will deny that "Knockers" have pleased many } a man. } } Few people realize the entire "Knock, knock" genre of jokes is } base on Act II, Scene III of MacBeth in which a Porter attempts } to cheer up MacBeth with a series of impromptu "Knock Knock" } jokes. [0] } } %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% } } [knocking within. Enter a Porter] } } Porter: } } Knock, knock! Beelzebub? Beelzebub who? } Beelzebub your lord of the flies is open! } Bwhahahahahahhahaha? } No my Lord? Oh thou shall like this one then. } } Knock, knock! Who's there? Faith, here's an equivocator! } Faith, here's an equivocator who? Equivocator? Why } I hardly even knew her my gracious lordship! } Bwhahahahahahaha.... } No? Fear not, I have millions of them! } } Knock, knock! Who's there? An English tailor. } An English tailor who? An English tailor, } can this be the one whose hose I used today } to warm the three weird sisters' cold ol' chests? } For naught is colder, save a well digger's... } No my lord? To the punch not got had I, Oh. } Well I go, you were a singularly } lovely audience, happy hour is next! } Anon, anon! I pray you, remember the porter. } } %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% } } [0] Check it out via an online copy, this is a true fact, } well just sort of, but it oughta be totally true. } } Note: Some folios have here the line; "Who's there?" shouted } from below the stage after the second "knock" in the first } line of the above passage. While it seems to us moderns that } a 'Who's there?' is needed, it is debatable if Shakespeare } would have felt so too. On the other hand the call of } 'Who's there?' from 'below', so to speak, is an ironic } twist considering the topic that The Bard would have no } doubt smiled at its inclusion. } } You owe the Oracle a familiar cat. --- 1217-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If I were a carpenter, and you were a lady, would you marry me > anyway?? Would you have my baby?? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, you really nailed me with that one. } I'll have to take it up with the board first. } Mind, I don't say I don't want to screw you. } I know you are a real stud. } I'm old, that is why I don't simply bolt at this. } I saw it coming for a long time, you know. } Still, this could also simply be a drill. } Take two aspirin and axe me again tomorrow, eh? --- 1217-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > what class will Kesten! be teaching? > > your humble supplicant And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } That is an excellent question, supplicant. Kesten has a number of } classes that he'll be teaching for the summer quarter. Here's a few } samples. } } HOT-110: Dealing with Horny Otters in the Wild and at Home. (5 credits, } not transferable. Extra lab fee of 425 Quatloos to cover chemical } supplies and video camera rental). } } COURSE DESCRIPTION: Otter mating season is almost at hand, and a lot of } the little fuzzy buggers will hump anything they can get their } hindquarters around. This class will cover methods of dealing with the } problem, especially when traveling through otter-infested forests. } Students will gain proficiency in interception, redirection, and } deception techniques that are guaranteed to work, and provide loads of } free entertainment besides. } } The special lab sessions will show you how to synthesize otter } pheromones, and will also cover the best places and people to apply } them to. Delivery methods taught include paintbrush, fake 'NicoDerm' } patch, and paintball gun for those longer-range targets. } (Prerequisites: A perverse desire to frustrate otters, and embarass } public figures in the process, or instructor permission). } } PEP-212: Advanced Performing Elephant Herd (with diarrhea) Direction } and Usenet Server Administration. (5 credits, transferable only to the } BOFH's College of System Administration and Beer Hall. Lab fee of 500 } Quatloos covers biohazard suit, decontamination services, and shovel } rental). } } COURSE DESCRIPTION: You too can be a Usenet Systems Administrator, and } learn to direct performing elephants in the process! Join Kesten, and } Special Guest Instructor Gene 'Spaf' Spafford for this advanced course } that continues where PEP-112 (Inducing Diarrhea in Large Mammals } through Exposure to Politics) left off. } } You'll spend an exciting eight weeks learning the ins and outs of } Usenet server administration and, in the process, will learn how to } handle situations that are very large, noisy, awe-inspiring, difficult } to redirect, and the source of mind-boggling amounts of excrement when } you least expect it! Just the thing to take the boredom out of those } warm, clear, summer days! } } (Prerequisites: PEP-112. You Must Be At Least THIS Tall to take this } course. Otherwise, one or more elephants may not see you when stepping } backwards, and that would be most unfortunate. Ipecac syrup is NOT } permitted in this course! All attendees will be searched. Those found } carrying ipecac will be required to carry the entirety of Usenet on an } 80386-25 system with 100 megabytes of disk space for three days } straight). } } ORG-110: A Beginner's Guide to Effective Groveling. (5 credits, } transferable only to Indiana University. Additional lab fee of 250 } Quatloos). } } COURSE DESCRIPTION: Take this course, and you'll never have to worry } about getting ZOTted again! (Well... as long as you avoid the W**dchuck } question anyway...) Join Kesten and Special Guest Instructors Zadoc T. } Worm and Chuck Jones for a thrilling eight weeks worth of every grovel } imaginable (and a few more that we thought looked good, if a bit } painful). Perfect for regular supplicants of the Internet Oracle, and } any other cheap imitations that you may find. Amaze your Friends! Stun } your Wife!! Scare the Blazes out of a Wombat!!! Make yourself } irresistable to a horny otter!!!! } } Lab sessions include the use of room-sized "Twister" game pads to help } you find just the right position to deliver that special grovel, an } anti-hernia belt, special kneepads to give you full traction on the } glossiest of hardwood floors, and up to two free ambulance rides to } Jay's Memorial Emergency Room and Pagan Fertility Clinic. } } (Prerequisites: Be a glutton for punishment. Having been brought up as } a contortionist is a plus, but not required. We'll HELP you into that } box!) } } You owe the Oracle an advanced course in Artificial Insemination of } Large Cetaceans. --- 1217-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Imposing Oracle who can pull strings and get things done, > > How much longer until I get a life? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle has considered your supplication and offers the following: } } Hmmmm ... I know I have those formulas around here somewhere. Ahhh, } yes ... here they are. } } If you have not developed a life at this point, here is how you can } determine when you will actually get one. } } Take your current age and divide it by 10 ... } } Add one year for every TV series you can't do without. Add an extra } six months for every "reality-based" series (Survivor, Temptation } Island, etc. This is because of the 'vicarious living' factor that } must be accounted for. Don't even ask me about daily soaps.) } } What is your TV reception like: } No TV - Subtract two years } Antenna / tower - No change } Cable - Add six months } Satellite / home theater - Add one year } } Add an extra year if you have a satellite / home theater setup and } brag about it. } } For every day in the last month when you decided to try a new } activity: } - Subtract three months if your friends had to drag you into it, } kicking and screaming } - Subtract six months if you showed any amount of enthusiasm when } your friends invited you } - Subtract one year if it was your idea and an extra six months } for every couch-potato friend you convinced to join you. } } For every time you've agreed to work overtime on the weekend or more } than one hour of overtime during the week: } - Add three months if it was for the money } - Add six months if it was to kiss up to the boss } - Add one year if it was because you enjoyed it } } Subtract one year for every friend with whom you regularly spend time } (away from work). } } In the past year, for every time you've used a cell phone: } In a restaurant - Add six months } In a movie theater - Add a year } While driving - Add two years and hope you live that long } } Add one year for every Internet newsgroup you participate in, add one } year. (Two years for regular RHOD participation.) } Add an extra six months for every time you've been AHBOU'd. (One } year for every Oracle Digest entry published) } } Subtract six months if you don't understand anything in the above } paragraph. } } Describe your current status: } Happily married / happily single - Subtract one year } Not happy but trying to change - Subtract six months } Just wishing - Add one year } } For every promise you've made to yourself in the past year: } - Subtract six months for every one you've kept } - Add one year for every one you haven't } } For every promise you've made to someone else in the past year: } - Subtract six months for every one you've kept } - Add one year for every one you haven't } } There you have it ... the short version, anyway. If you came out to } less than two years, you're doing good. Anything over five and some } serious work is needed. } } You owe the oracle a Caribbean cruise and a mallet specially designed } for smashing cell phones .... --- 1217-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wise and generally benevolent Oracle, please help me. > > I can't seem to get motivated to do actual work while I am in my > cubicle. My boss seems to think this is a problem. How can I correct > this situation? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle has never meet some one that does actual work in a } cubicle, nor I bet has you boss of coworkers. What are you } trying to do? Get everyone fired? } } Look, the idea at any cubicle farm is to -look- like you're } working. Not to do actual work. You are merely there so the } boss can walk through from time to time with dignitaries in tow } so they can both glance at you and your peers and nod sagely. } } Here's some things you should be doing instead of actual } work: } } * Email everyone you know two to three times a day. Don't } just forward joke lists. But send them graphs depicting } your daily coffee consumption rates and disposal of same } broken down into ten minute increments. The chart looks } real good to people walking by. } } * Xerox all pieces of paper you get and staple them together. } Two hours later pull them apart and throw the copy away. } } * Get CNN running muted in a window in the corner of your } screen, but be listening over your phone headset to "on-hold" } muzak from some "too busy to deal with people" company, phone } companies themselves are good for hours of such music. Every- } time the music and CNN seem to be on a similar wavelength } quickly type up a short memo about it & post it to alt.test. } } * Always look at web pages' source code for two minutes before } foraging on. Even the most unwork related pornography site } looks like work when you're perusing the source code. } } * Any questions you get asked over the phone or in email, you } should forward to The Oracle. } } * You can kill many an hour by pulling the cover off of your } computer and taking the video card out and putting it back } again. Just be sure and look angry as you do this or others } will stop and ask you to come do the same for their computers. } Never volunteer to go do so. Those slackers need do their own } work instead of expecting you to bail them out all the time. } } You owe the Oracle an "Oracle of the Month" plaque. --- 1217-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Hemming The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle most magnificent, who gets up before the early bird has a > chance at the worm, who sees into the darkest tunnel, tell me: > > We know what they did in Sodom, but what did they do in Gomorrah? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Top Ten Reasons Gomorrah got the fire and brimstone treatment: } } 10. Bactrian camels have two humps. Dromedary camels have one hump. } Gomorran camels were just humped. Constantly. } 9. It is a little known fact that the largest law school in } existence in those days was built in Gomorrah. } 8. Their traffic lights were timed just perfectly to go red just as } you got to each intersection. } 7. Four words: Supplemental city income tax. } 6. Inhabitants always telling God, "Sodom's your favorite city! } Just because that snotty kid nephew of Abraham's lives there! When } are we going to get the same kind of attention you give Sodom? I } mean, we're reprobates and whoremongers too, you know! Why } doesn't anyone care if *we* have 10 righteous people within our } borders? EQUALITY WITH SODOM NOW!" } 5. Experimenting with first sanitary sewer system before discovering } combustible properties of methane. } 4. Had cold-war program of MAD-TP (Mutually Assured Destruction by } Total Perversion) that got out of hand. } 3. Cheated on their bid to host the 2004 BC Olympiad. } 2. Freak time/space continuum accident resulted in 89% of Scuds Irag } launched during Desert Storm landing in downtown Gomorrah. } } AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON Gomorrah is a smoldering ruin unknown to } modern civilization but by the tale of its downfall? } } 1. In ancient times, was host city for Annual Woodchuck Wood } Chucking Convention. --- 1217-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "BJ" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Do you Yahoo? > > __________________________________________________ > Do You Yahoo!? > Yahoo! Auctions - buy the things you want at great prices > http://auctions.yahoo.com/ And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, only idiots and other yahoos do that. Lisa, being enlightened, } uses Google. I, being omniscient, don't need a search engine. } } You owe the Oracle a catchy advertising slogan that will make people } want to be associated with idiots.com. --- 1217-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > why do buses allways come in threes? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Scene 1 } A misty moore, somewhere in the british isles. } } Bus 1: Hubble Bubble, toil and trouble } Bus 2: Services slashed, fares double, } Bus 3: Schedules change, deliveries muddle ... } } etc ... etc... } } Bus 3: When shall we three meet again ? } Bus 1: At the basingstoke roundabout, in peak hour, and all three will } get flat tyres. } } (maniacal laughter.....) } } You owe The Oracle some eye of newt. --- 1217-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle Most Wise, > > Why does my cat spend so much time studying detailed maps of Stonehenge And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because your cat is an alien life form. Don't be alarmed! All felines } are of alien origin. They arrived on earth after their spaceship } crashed while chasing intergalactic field mice from Stavromula Beta. } } As most cat owners are aware, the ancient Egyptians used to revere cats } as deities, and in fact the cats used Egypt for their first major } attempt at returning to the stars. This explains the purpose of the } Great Pyramids, although their exact function in returning cats to } space is still known only to cats and the Oracle. And since you didn't } ask about *that*, I don't have to tell you. So nyah. At any rate, } when it became clear that the Pyramid Scheme, as it came to be called, } was not going to work out, the cat leadership decided to look for } another tribe of primitive humans to serve as cheap labor. } } In the British Isles, they found a group of nature-worshipping druids } and in true feline fashion set to work ingratiating themselves. They } rubbed up against the druid's legs, batted balls of yarn about, and } climbed up on the druids laps and purred loudly and affectionately. In } no time at all, the druids were completely in thrall to the powerful } aliens. The cats then instructed the druids to build Stonehenge, again } for the purpose of returning the cats to their home on Stavromula Beta. } } The project was nearing completion, and we might be a cat-less society } today, had it not been for the actions of one unknown druid. She } introduced cats to the wild mint known as "Nepeta Cataria," or more } commonly, "catnip." The cats in charge of the project promptly went on } a bender that lasted four months, and by then the whole idea of } returning to Stavromula Beta, which *definitely* does not have catnip, } seemed rather silly. The cats split up, spreading across the globe and } insinuating themselves into the private residences of humans } everywhere. } } To answer your question specifically, your cat is poring over the } detailed maps of Stonehenge in an attempt to see if the ancient device } could be completed and used to send all of Earth's dogs somewhere } else--perhaps to the center of the star Betelgeuse. Hey, it may be } your cuddly fuzzy-wuzzy kittykins on the outside, but hidden inside } that furry exterior is the crafty, calculating mind of an alien. Think } about *that* next time the cat is staring at you in the shower. } } You owe the oracle a collar with a little bell on it. Lisa loves those } things.