From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Wed Oct 31 17:27:17 2001 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.11.6/8.11.6/IUCS_2.43) id f9VLicZ04846; Wed, 31 Oct 2001 16:44:38 -0500 (EST) Date: Wed, 31 Oct 2001 16:44:38 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200110312144.f9VLicZ04846@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1234 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1234 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1234 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Wed, 31 Oct 2001 16:44:25 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1234 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1229 70 votes 5clgg bon93 6ulb2 68jmf 47jsc aeoca 35pt8 7anic 4blnb 4dsh8 1229 3.2 mean 3.4 2.6 2.6 3.5 3.5 3.0 3.5 3.3 3.4 3.2 --- 1234-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "BJ" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle So Wise, > Please bestow upon your unworthy supplicant a proof of Fermat's Last > Theorem that will fit in the margin. > Thank you. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } a^n + b^n != c^n for n greater than 2, and a, b, c are whole numbers. } } If a is a shirt, b is pants, it is impossible no matter how many } suggestions n that I make that my lady will think I am telling her } the truth and that she looks good enough to meet the expectation } c that is inside her head. Only when it so happens that there is } not enough time for the number of inquiries to go beyond two is } it possible she will be satisfied with what I choose. } } As repayment for your inquiry, please give a hug to the next human } being to walk within range of your arms. } } Cheers. --- 1234-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > So you have roosters, chickens, and hens. Who's having sex with who? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I don't see what the livestock has to do with anything, but Who is } going to lose his job as First Baseman if he doesn't learn to be more } discreet when pleasuring himself. --- 1234-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Are you going to disemvowel him? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Y_s, _ _m g__ng t_ t_k_ _w_y _v_ry l_st v_w_l th_t h_ h_s. } _nf_rt_n_t_ly, _t _s _ _n_v_rs_l s_tt_ng, wh_ch c__ld c__s_ h_v_c f_r } _v_ry_n_ _ls_. } } Y__ _w_ th_ _r_cl_ _ w_y t_ _s_ th_ l_tt_r 'y' _nst__d _f _ny v_w_l. --- 1234-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, whose imagination makes imaginary numbers real, > > How many ways can you cut a pi? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Really you can cut pi as many ways as you would ever want to, and more. } Just don't be too picky about all the pieces being the same size...that } would be irrational. } } You owe the Oracle more puns involving natural logarithms. --- 1234-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Great and Humunguous Oracle, you are Oh So Smart. > You are multitudinous, and even your Own Mother has > trouble telling you apart, because of your clever > disguises. > > How can I discover the Real Me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Reality was banged out in the three seconds after the biggest bang. } (quiet Lisa) In normal everyday life, the real "me" is obvious, but in } the bathroom, it can be easy to lose track of it. } } 1) While shaving: When applying the shaving cream, the real me is the } one that is three dimensional. Cool, flat me's are not normally real. } } 2) While singing in the shower: Go thee past Ray, but stoppest thou } before Fa. So is right out. } } 3) When using the "facilities": Depending on the person, this can be } hard to determine. The surest method is to wait until after flushing. } The real you is almost always the one that doesn't dissapear at this } point. } } 4) After a big party: The REAL you is the one with it's head resting } on the toilet rim. Many wish that this weren't true, but it } unfortunately is. The flush test works here as well, and should be } applied often. } } Normally, merely asking this question is a symptom that you have too } much of the material the "false" me is made up of (in items 3 and 4) } inside of you, and it needs to be purged. A careful #3 or #4 session } is desperately needed to cleanse these impurities, because if you're } asking questions like this, you're full of them. } } You owe the Oracle the writings of Descarte and a laxative. --- 1234-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and stable Oracle, who never needs debugging, never > blue-screens, and can serve many thousands of users without the > slightest hint of a GPF... > > Is there an incantation that can defeat the unholy daemon of Microsoft, > the evil lord Baghwan Bill, the false gateway to wisdom Gates? > > Or are we forever doomed to suff press any key to reboot, and send us $350 to renew your license> And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Don't be silly, supplicant. } Of course there's an incantation to fix all the bugs out of Windows, } remove all the easter eggs from Office, and render Outlook and IE both } stable and secure. It goes like so: } } First, you must cleanse the space. You do this by sweeping the area } with an O'Reilly book while focussing your mind on purity of code and } compile. Now, you must ground. With care, connect your anti-static } wrist band to the ground point on your workb^H^H^H altar. } Next, place your computer on the altar. Cast a circle around the } machine by tracing around it seven times with your ritual hex-nut } driver. } } Now, you must invoke the elements of computing. This can vary quite a } bit - think grovel, and you'll about have it. The elements of computing } are, in this order: North - Machine language and binary } East - Compiling and linking } South - Rebooting and POSTing } West - Stability and security } } Now you must invoke the deities of computing. The favored ones for this } are Woczniak of the hardware, and Lovelave of the software. } } Once you have completed this, you are ready to begin. Raise a cone of } power and charge up the capacitor attached to your electromagnet. Take } your ritual hex-nut driver and remove the hard drive from the possessed } computer. Use your ritual electromagnet on the harddrive. You have } cleansed it of demons now, but it is vulnerable. you must complete the } ritual. } } Reinstall the hard drive. Take up the sacred linux install media, and } raise up your new linux box. } } Once this is complete, it is traditional to share cakes and ale, or at } the least pizza and dew, within the circle. } } Be sure to devoke the deities, uncast the circle and discharge the } capacitor after you are done. } } You owe the Oracle a ritual hex-nut driver. --- 1234-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh bountiful Oracle, whom I am unworthy to fathom the dew that forms on > grass in the same ZIP code as he... > > How are you feeling today? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Mainly with my hands, as usual. --- 1234-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Mr. Insanely Big Cheese type entity, the CEO and President of the Board > of all knowledge.... > > One day, I strive to be CEO of a really big computer company that > already has a very ingenious, enigmatic, and charismatic leader. What > can I do to best ensure my proper place in history? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You know, you don't have to become CEO of Microsoft to be universally } hated for eternity. Just invent a TV remote which scurries away and } hides in the rosebushes once a month and replaces itself on the table 3 } days later. Making it the industry standard should be easy, TV } companies always want more obnoxious remotes. } } Good luck! } } You owe the Oracle a Monopoly. The game or Microsoft, it doesn't } matter. --- 1234-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is it that the principal identifying ingredient of German chocolate > cake is coconut? As far as I am aware, coconut is not a particularly > well-known or significant portion of the German gross national product. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } While coconut may not be a particularly well known portion of the } German gross national product, that's primarily because hardly anyone } is interested in inspecting that product. If they were, they'd find } that coconut features quite noticeably since the Germans are rather } fond of chocolate cake. } } And in answer to your question, the coconut is the principal } identifying ingredient because the flour, milk, sugar, chocolate, } butter and eggs all are all digested much more completely than the } coconut--this makes them much harder to identify in the resulting } product. } } You owe the Oracle a report on your upcoming trip to the Berlin sewers } and your subsequent analysis of the German's gross product. --- 1234-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle, so wise in the ways of stuff, > > Why can't we just have peace in the world? Why does there have to be > fighting and arguments and bickering over who got the biggest doughnut, > and then puerile name-calling like "you fat pig", I mean why? > > Not that it was even such a great doughnut anyway. I think someone > sucked out all the jelly beforehand. > > Thanks, > A.N. Supplicant. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The human being passes through three phases, all of which contribute to } war in the world. The "ME" "US" and "THEM." phases. } } During the first, or "ME" phase, each think only of ourselves. You try } to get exactly what you want however you can. You wheedle, cajole, } lie, cheat, steal, what have you. For most this phase lasts just a bit } longer than it takes your parents to throw you out. But for some, it } lasts indefinitely, possibly your whole life. These are the people you } choose as leaders. Not because you particularly want them to be } leaders, just to get them out of the way. Better they're lying to, } cheating, and stealing from other groups than from yours. And maybe, } they might throw you a few scraps along the way. Probably not, but you } never know. } } Which brings us to "US." After your parents throw you out, you } realise that everyone else is only after the same thing you are. Some } of you form groups. Cliques, Gangs, Fraternities, Sororities, } Political Parties, Factions, Ethnic groups, Countries, what have you. } You form these groups on the principle that it's easier for a group of } fifty to steal fifty portions of food from fifty individuals than it is } for one individual to steal one portion of food from another. However, } this life is a little tough, and you eventually get old. As do the } people you're stealing from. Eventually you realise you need to come } to a more formal arrangement. } } Which brings us to the "THEM" phase. This is the phase where you rely } on others to do your fighting for you. The groups that have done well } in the "US" phase will have built up a lot of "stuff," money, drugs, } power, muscle, children, connections, what have you. Whereas the } groups that have done poorly in the "US" phase will have built up a lot } of emotions: anger, resentment, jealosy, pride, mistrust. You then } pass these things on...ideally to your children, but really, to anyone } else you can get your hands on. Anyone young, strong, idealistic, } stupid, brave, compassionate, greedy, generous, what have you. Just as } they're realising they would be smarter to be part of a group, you } provide them a group to join. And then you sit back and watch them. } And go all misty (or if you're Jewish, get all verklempt) as they } follow exactly in your footsteps. And so the cycle continues. } } There are rumours of a forth phase, called "NOONE" or "ENLIGHTENMENT." } This is the phase where you realise this is all a load of bollox, that } people really could live in peace if the WANTED to, they just DON'T } WANT TO. Most of you know little about this phase, because people who } achieve it don't seem to last very long. For some reason it tends to } lead to apathy, failure, disllusionment, depression, treatment, drugs, } debt, suicide, what have you. Most of you steer well clear of this } phase. It just sounds like one big downer. } } And that's it, really. You're afraid. Afraid of apathy, failure, what } have you. You're afraid that if you stop fighting first, you'll lose, } and the other guy will win. Or worse yet, that when you stop fighting } there will be nothing left to do. Plain and simple. } } Almost makes you want to give it all up as a load of crap doesn't it? } } But that doughnut really does look good doesn't it? } And don't worry about the jelly. I left plent of it for you. } } You owe the Oracle a Master's Degree in Philosophy.